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  1. The Old Ones, praise their names, search for answers as Joe Ryan escapes injury scare unscathed. As entities that predate recorded history, it’s very hard to get something by the Injury Gods. Yet that’s exactly what happened on Tuesday afternoon, as a wicked comebacker found Joe Ryan’s pitching hand without causing lasting damage. “Ryan’s a big part of their future plans so it seems like that’s an ideal place to really put the screws to the player and the Twins,” said a source close to Znon the Wrathful, the unspeakable beast responsible for tweaking Minnesota’s ulnar collateral ligaments. “I can’t explain it. Nor can They. The entire nether world is buzzing. To be clear, that’s mostly because of the bees we’re sending to swarm Byron Buxton next Wednesday, but it’s also the talk of the realm.” It initially appeared that the Gods had done as they always have to the bedeviled franchise, with Ryan immediately storming off the mound and heading to the showers. “Oh yeah, I thought for sure we tagged and bagged him,” said another source who works in Damnations and Accounts Receivable for Langurr The Plague King. “I should have known something wasn’t right when the ball didn’t deflect and hit Jorge Polanco in the eye. Classic double play and we didn’t even get the one? You don’t get surprised around this office too often, but that one put us back on our hooves.” The resulting X-rays were negative, with Ryan diagnosed as having a mere bruise. He might not even miss a start. The lack of traumatic injury is leaving more questions than answers among Those who exist to harm and maraud. “It’s a real stumper,” said a source familiar with Znon’s thinking. “His name is Znon the Wrathful. He just loves Himself some wrath. Lots of speculation that He’s going to make up for it by dropping a house on Ryan’s pinky toe or putting a black bear in his car. No one ever expects the black bear. Bears can’t drive!” View full article
  2. As entities that predate recorded history, it’s very hard to get something by the Injury Gods. Yet that’s exactly what happened on Tuesday afternoon, as a wicked comebacker found Joe Ryan’s pitching hand without causing lasting damage. “Ryan’s a big part of their future plans so it seems like that’s an ideal place to really put the screws to the player and the Twins,” said a source close to Znon the Wrathful, the unspeakable beast responsible for tweaking Minnesota’s ulnar collateral ligaments. “I can’t explain it. Nor can They. The entire nether world is buzzing. To be clear, that’s mostly because of the bees we’re sending to swarm Byron Buxton next Wednesday, but it’s also the talk of the realm.” It initially appeared that the Gods had done as they always have to the bedeviled franchise, with Ryan immediately storming off the mound and heading to the showers. “Oh yeah, I thought for sure we tagged and bagged him,” said another source who works in Damnations and Accounts Receivable for Langurr The Plague King. “I should have known something wasn’t right when the ball didn’t deflect and hit Jorge Polanco in the eye. Classic double play and we didn’t even get the one? You don’t get surprised around this office too often, but that one put us back on our hooves.” The resulting X-rays were negative, with Ryan diagnosed as having a mere bruise. He might not even miss a start. The lack of traumatic injury is leaving more questions than answers among Those who exist to harm and maraud. “It’s a real stumper,” said a source familiar with Znon’s thinking. “His name is Znon the Wrathful. He just loves Himself some wrath. Lots of speculation that He’s going to make up for it by dropping a house on Ryan’s pinky toe or putting a black bear in his car. No one ever expects the black bear. Bears can’t drive!”
  3. Top Minnesota Twins prospect Royce Lewis slipped on some ice when a freak snowstorm hit his home state of Texas. When he got to Spring Training, he was diagnosed with a torn ACL. The Injury Gods took notice. “This took them by surprise too,” said a source close to the Gods, who requested anonymity in order to avoid being catapulted into the Swamp of Dread and Biting Things. “A snowstorm in Houston was not on their radar, and bear in mind they trapped Marty Cordova in a tanning bed because they were bored on a Thursday.” This bonus misfortune is said to be spurring the Injury Gods to inflict even greater anguish on long-suffering Twins fans. “When something like that falls in your lap you can really build an avalanche of pain and perfect grief,” said the source. “If They play this right, the agony promises to be even more exquisite than last year’s playoff exit. “You don’t expect to see Jontu of the Poison Wind smiling. He’s older than time itself. But He’s like a kid out there, just looking at Minnesota’s deep roster of young talent and noting how fragile their tendons and ligaments truly are.” While it’s impossible to know what the Old Ones have planned in specific, a second source tells Twins Daily to expect the unexpected. “Look, it’s not going to be a pulled hamstring running out a grounder,” said the source. “It’s not going to be a pitcher feeling something tighten when he throws a fastball. That is played out. This is Minnesota. They’re going to make it hurt and make it confusing. Why did a Dodge Charger just fall on Alex Kirilloff? He’s standing in the dugout. How’d a car even get in there? Why is the stereo playing ‘Butterfly’ by Crazy Town? You’ll go to your grave never knowing. Alex will retire at 28 to become a gardener and his left elbow will always hurt when it rains.” The source also speculated that They would not limit their attention to the state’s baseball team. “Oh, They’re quite aware of the Minnesota Vikings,” said the source. “Torvald the Bleak calls them His finest work. Who do you think guaranteed all that money to Kirk Cousins?”
  4. The Old Ones, praise their name, look to build on some unexpected preseason momentum.Top Minnesota Twins prospect Royce Lewis slipped on some ice when a freak snowstorm hit his home state of Texas. When he got to Spring Training, he was diagnosed with a torn ACL. The Injury Gods took notice. “This took them by surprise too,” said a source close to the Gods, who requested anonymity in order to avoid being catapulted into the Swamp of Dread and Biting Things. “A snowstorm in Houston was not on their radar, and bear in mind they trapped Marty Cordova in a tanning bed because they were bored on a Thursday.” This bonus misfortune is said to be spurring the Injury Gods to inflict even greater anguish on long-suffering Twins fans. “When something like that falls in your lap you can really build an avalanche of pain and perfect grief,” said the source. “If They play this right, the agony promises to be even more exquisite than last year’s playoff exit. “You don’t expect to see Jontu of the Poison Wind smiling. He’s older than time itself. But He’s like a kid out there, just looking at Minnesota’s deep roster of young talent and noting how fragile their tendons and ligaments truly are.” While it’s impossible to know what the Old Ones have planned in specific, a second source tells Twins Daily to expect the unexpected. “Look, it’s not going to be a pulled hamstring running out a grounder,” said the source. “It’s not going to be a pitcher feeling something tighten when he throws a fastball. That is played out. This is Minnesota. They’re going to make it hurt and make it confusing. Why did a Dodge Charger just fall on Alex Kirilloff? He’s standing in the dugout. How’d a car even get in there? Why is the stereo playing ‘Butterfly’ by Crazy Town? You’ll go to your grave never knowing. Alex will retire at 28 to become a gardener and his left elbow will always hurt when it rains.” The source also speculated that They would not limit their attention to the state’s baseball team. “Oh, They’re quite aware of the Minnesota Vikings,” said the source. “Torvald the Bleak calls them His finest work. Who do you think guaranteed all that money to Kirk Cousins?” Click here to view the article
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