Who Will Be the Next First Pitch Legend?

Many have embarrassed themselves throwing the first pitch of a baseball game. Who’s got next? Twins Daily asks the hard questions.

Watching MMA superstar/whiskey pitchman/gross person Conor MacGregor fail gloriously at the task of heaving a ceremonial first pitch somewhere towards Schaumberg at Tuesday’s Twins/Cubs game led to two thoughts:

1. This guy who could choke me out in ten seconds has never, not ever, encountered a ball and I can throw it better than he does and I know I suck, and…

2. Who’s next?

Baseball has a rich tradition of celebrities and public figures eating it hard during the first pitch, from Dr. Anthony Fauci to 50 Cent to Carly Rae Jepsen. But it always seems to take us all by surprise, despite a guest often throwing this pitch before every MLB game. What we want to know is who will be the next to delight us by treating the 60 feet and 6 inches as a mere suggestion, knowing that true artistry exists when you paint not the corner, but the limits of our imagination. The following five people are most likely to inspire us with their interpretations of the art of pitching in the future:

• Willie Nelson. The country music legend is 80 years old. He clearly is not in the best shape of his life, but every time I’ve seen him perform, he’s been wearing New Balance sneakers, evidence of Dad tendencies that would get him to take a shot. Honestly, I just want to see if lights a j on the mound before hurling a 35-foot dribbler or waits until he gets back on the bus.
• Steve from Blue’s Clues. He recently returned to the public eye to give a little emotional pep talk to his now grown viewers. I really have no idea if he’d throw well, but there’s a good chance that he gets every adult in the stadium to cry when he looks at all of them and says, “I’m so proud of you. I love you and wish you the best,” while their children wonder why dad is bawling into his helmet nachos. Worth it.
• Magnus Ver Magnusson. The World’s Strongest Man. I’ve seen him heave trucks over other trucks. I think the lightness of the baseball might confuse him. Would he eat it or throw it? Only one way to find out.
• Machine Gun Kelly. I don’t know who this is, but I’ve seen pictures. Just seems like a good guess.
• Christian Ponder. Some are born to be doctors. Some are born to be storytellers. Some are born to land an object 20 feet in front of its intended target. Embrace your destiny, Christian.

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