Team USA's Advice for Enjoying Opening Day

[RandBalls Stu]

Image courtesy of LiAnna Davis

Team USA, coming off a joyless silver medal finish in the World Baseball Classic where they had no fun of any kind, has some advice for fans on how to best enjoy MLB's Opening Day next week. Twins Daily got a sneak peek:

• First things first: On the way to the game, get in a fight with your son. Assert dominance. He'll appreciate it later in life.
• At the ticket gate, thank the ushers for their service. 
• During the National Anthem, scout the crowd for insufficient patriotism. That pregnant woman who's remaining seated? Get in her face. The youths that have their hands clasped instead of one over their hearts? An open-palmed headslap will set them straight. Box the ear.
• If you notice someone wearing the visiting team's gear, politely but firmly tell them you will fight them right now, in the concourse. Dump a beverage on them to encourage retaliation. You are in the right. They are human garbage. Treat them as such.
• At the concession stand, make a point to let everyone working and in line behind you know that you don't tip. They'll admire you for your principles.
• When the grounds crew drags the infield between innings, loudly critique their methods. They appreciate your feedback and the opportunity to be better.
• This is a tough one. Umpires are technically troops, so you must respect them. However, they also miss a call that goes against your team on occasion. It's important for accountability that, because you respect them, they must fight you right now. Unless they're soft.
• During the 7th-inning stretch, the stadium often plays God Bless America. If they do, the same National Anthem rules apply. If you see a father and son in line for Dippin' Dots instead of paying their respects, shove the father. His son will respect you and call you dad instead. If the stadium doesn't play God Bless America, find the organist and rain blows upon them unless/until the song is played.
• If the game ends in victory, make sure that no one congratulates the visiting team or fans on a good game. They must be humiliated.
• If the game ends in a loss, remove your shirt and just begin whaling on the nearest person. God has abandoned us. Virtue is a myth meant to weaken you. Draw blood. If you paid for your ticket, they technically can't arrest you.

Enjoy the 2026 season! But not too much. We will find out.

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[ashbury]

The Twins lack an honest to goodness fight song.  This article points up the need.