TC Bear Elected Mayor of Owatonna

RandBalls Stu · November 8, 2024

Fearsome man/beast hybrid to split time between mayoral, Twins duties

Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Bielawa

In a stunning result on Tuesday night, Twins mascot TC Bear was elected mayor of Owatonna, Minn.

“I’m grateful to the people of Owatonna for putting their trust in me,” said Bear. “I look forward to rolling up my sleeves and getting to work.”

The unnerving man/beast hybrid ran as an independent and promised to “improve our roads and schools and absolutely smoke your dumb kids in home run contests, anytime, anywhere.” The accident of God and nature received 78% of the vote.

Owatonna residents we spoke with say they are excited about the new leadership.

“Hell yeah I voted for him,” said Owen Brady, 56, a lifelong resident of the town of 26,000. “You maybe get one chance in a lifetime to vote for a dude in a bear costume who has his own t-shirt cannon. He shares my values.”

“I was at Target Field a few summers ago and TC just put a beating on [93X Morning Show shock jock] Dana Wessel in the home run contest,” said Megan Yang, 32. “He’d do a little dance, launch another bomb, and taunt Wessel over and over. It was humiliating. I can’t wait to see what he does for our city and its out-of-control disc jockeys.”

Minnesota political experts say that while it’s unusual for a fake bear with blank, lifeless eyes to become mayor, unconventional candidates have succeeded in our state before.

“We had a pro wrestler become governor,” said David Schultz, a professor of political science at Hamline University. “There’s a resort town up north where there’s a dog mayor. I will say, though, that this is the first time a godless beast, red in tooth and paw, has ascended to the mayor’s office. I fear him like I fear death.”

Bear says his first act as mayor will be to work with the Chamber of Commerce on attracting new businesses to the city, followed closely by finding and hunting heretics.

“There will be no mercy,” he said.

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