Edouard Julien Reverts To Original Canadian Factory Settings After Trip To Toronto

[Lou Hennessy]

The Twins’ second baseman was looking for a reset after a recent cold stretch, but not like this. Now he and the team have a new set of problems to figure “oot” as they return to American soil. 

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics

O Canada! Here we go again. 

As the Twins completed a series win over the Toronto Blue Jays on Sunday afternoon, something started to change within second baseman Edouard Julien. Teammates started to notice his infield chatter getting more and more - how you say? - French-Canadian with each passing moment. 

“Something is definitely up with Ed. He’s acting weirder than normal, and that’s saying something,” said infielder Kyle Farmer with concern in his voice. “We got the last out on Sunday and he shouted ‘sacre bleu!’ and got on his knee like he was doing a hockey goal celebration.”

As the team completed their postgame high-fives and moved the party to the clubhouse, Julien changed from his game-torn baseball uniform to a full Red Serge and Stetson hat as if he were about to go on patrol as a Canadian Mountie. 

The Quebecois then went to the clubhouse kitchenette and poured an entire bottle of maple syrup into his Tim Horton’s coffee cup, saluted the Canadian flag and promptly left without so much as bidding his teammates adieu.

“Look, he’s a quirky guy, but this is taking things to a whole new level, “ said manager Rocco Baldelli with the exhaustion of an abashed parent. “When we got back to the Twin Cities, we all went out to eat at Fogo de Chao and he tried to order poutine. Have some shame, man!”

Over the last few years, Julien has taken on the role of lovable little brother in the Twins’ clubhouse, mostly due to his good-hearted yet goofy demeanor. It has come with a fair share of ribbing, but he’s mostly taken it in stride. But how will his teammates respond now that he’s reverted to his original factory settings that have him spouting Canadian buzzwords and blasting Bryan Adams over the stadium speakers during every round of batting practice?

“I’m pretty sure he called me a hoser the other day,” said a flabbergasted Byron Buxton. “And even worse - he keeps insisting Drake won when it came to his beef with Kendrick Lamar. That ain’t right, man. Ed’s not like us anymore.”

According to a team spokesperson, the training staff is already working on strategies to help restore the Americanized data that was lost during the Toronto road trip. But if the club is forced to start from scratch, they’ll have extreme measures at their disposal. This would include having Julien spend a few hours in one of their cold tubs filled with Bud Light, while simultaneously watching reruns of King of the Hill and gorging on cheese fries.

“I really do not want it to come down to that, but I need to get back to where I was before I made the trip to the true North,” Julien said backhandedly through an interpreter. “And what do you mean we have a game on Victoria Day?!?”

As long as Julien keeps producing on the field with his red-hot ball club, the team may just have to put up with the shenanigans for the time being. Even if it’s to the chagrin of his manager. 

“If he keeps hitting like he did last season, I don’t care if he goes up to bat wearing hockey skates and an ‘I Love Trudeau’ shirt,” said a defeated Baldelli. “Congrats, Canada. Looks like you have one more canuckle-head standing on guard for thee.”

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[John Bonnes]

This story is a beaut! 

[Doctor Gast]

Julien can't forget who he is or where he came from (I think that it influences how he wears his cap). Nor should he, yet he's good enough-natured to take the ribbing. Very amusing piece. Aye.

[RetractableProof]

God how I wish I could return to factory settings.

[DJL44]

Buck is right. Kendrick pwnd Drake.