Hello, fellow humans! My name is William Malone IV. Son of William Malone III. And I come with great news! Regular season baseball is getting closer and closer every day.

The Minnesota Twins played a spring training baseball game against the Atlanta Braves today. The Braves were not able to get revenge from the 1991 World Series, as they failed to defeat the Twins. However, Minnesota failed to win as well. It was a 0-0 tie. The bats were not doing anything for either side.

Speaking of bats, there is a position in the wonderful sport of baseball known to many as the designated hitter. All this guy does is bat. He does not play defense. This position was invented in 1973, and the Twins have started 36 different men on Opening Day at this spot in the years since. Let's rank them all! Please note that we are ranking their entire careers. Not just their time as designated hitter for the Twins. Don't for get to call your ole pal William Malone IV a big stupid dum dum in the comments when you don't like where your favorite DH is ranked.

36. Mike Stenhouse (1985)
He hit .190 with a .598 OPS over 207 big league games with the Expos, Twins and Red Sox. But don't feel bad for the guy. He graduated from Harvard before getting drafted. Not too shabby!

35. ByungHo Park (2016)
Terry Ryan 1.0 was a great general manager who was rightfully inducted into the Twins Hall of Fame. His second stint in that role didn't go as well, and the signing of ByungHo Park was one of the final nails in his coffin. Park batted .191 with a .684 OPS in what was his only Major League season.

34. Danny Goodwin (1980)
Goodwin never played more than 60 games in any of his seven big league seasons, and his career OPS+ is only 84. But despite his lackluster numbers, he was the Twins designed hitter on Opening Day in 1980.

33. Chris Colabello (2014)
This was a low point for Twins lineup construction. Colabello struggled to the tune of a .631 OPS as a 29-year old rookie in 2013, and that was good enough to start him on Opening Day the next season. To be fair, he raked for the first month or so. But it was a flash in the pan.

32. Glenn Adams (1978-79, 1981)
Adams might be one of the worst players in League history who can call himself a "career DH." 78.7% of his career appearances were either as a designated hitter or pinch hitter, as he only made 114 starts in the field during his eight year Major League career. Adams never hit double digit home runs in any of those seasons, and his career OPS+ was just 96.

31. Craig Kusick (1977)
This guy actually wound up having a pretty nice season in 1977 after starting as the designated hitter on Opening Day. Kusick played 115 games with a 120 OPS+, but that was about as good as it got during his seven years in the big leagues.

30. Kennys Vargas (2015)
Vargas crushed the ball for two months after the Twins called him up on August 1, 2014. This made him an easy choice to be the Opening Day designated hitter and five hole hitter in 2015. But perhaps those two months in 2014 were a flash in the pan. He was never flat out bad, but just not good enough to keep around as a hitting only player with little to no defensive value.

29. Pedro Munoz (1995)
Munoz spent most of his career as a backup outfielder, posting a 98 OPS+ across 517 big league games. Some years were better than others, but he was out of the Majors by age 28.

28. Matthew LeCroy (2003-04)
LeCroy was a pretty solid platoon option. He hit lefties really well during his time in the Majors. It's just a bit silly to be platooning your DH slot, and the Twins cut bait on the wrong guy from their early-2000's DH platoon of David Ortiz and LeCroy.

27. Butch Husky (2000)
Husky had a few decent seasons with the New York Mets in the mid-90's when his career was just beginning, but things fell off fast as he bounced around with several teams in the late-90's and early 2000's. This included 64 games with the Twins in 2000.

26. Craig Monroe (2008)
It would be more than fair to move some guys on this list up or down a few sports, because a lot of these careers were more or less the same. That goes Craig Monroe and Butch Husky. A solid few years early on, Monroe's coming with the Detroit Tigers, followed by a quick fall off later on. Monroe hit .202 over 58 games for the Twins in 2008.

25. Logan Morrison (2018)
Morrison was having himself a decent career as a first baseman and corner outfielder for the Marlins, Mariners and Rays. Then he really found it in 2017, launching 38 home runs for Tampa Bay. This turned out to be a flash in the pan, and Morrison had a disappointing season with Minnesota in 2018.

24. Gene Larkin (1989-90)
Larkin was a steady bench bat for the Twins between 1987 and 1993. He brought the ability to fill in at corner outfield and first base, helping them win the World Series in 1987 and 1991. Larkin appeared in 13 combined playoff games during those title runs, but none of them were starts.

23. Lew Ford (2005)
Fan favorite Lew Ford had quite the run for Minnesota during the early stages of his career. He even got MVP votes in 2004, but was out of the league after just five seasons...until making a brief 25 game cameo for the Baltimore Orioles in 2012. That was five years after his final game for the Twins.

22. Manuel Margot (2024)
Margot has had a solid nine year career as a platoon bat. This includes his 2023 season with the Twins, where he hit .331 with an .846 OPS across 165 plate appearances against left handed starting pitchers. Miserable numbers against righties and bench appearances sunk his overall statistics.

21. Randy Bush (1983-84, 1988)
The Twins had Bush in several roles during his 12-year run with the club. He had runs as the starting right fielder, left fielder and designated hitter. Bush also had runs as a bench bat, starting just 82 games from 1991-93 while appearing 228 times over those three seasons.

20. Steve Braun (1976)
A chunk of his 15-year career was spent as a pinch hitting specialist and a defensive replacement in the National League, winning the 1982 World Series as a member of the Cardinals. Braun did play for the Twins for six seasons in the early-to-mid 1970's though, sending a lot of time in left field and at third base. He was the Opening Day designated hitter in 1976.

19. Ryan Doumit (2013)
His versatile glove wasn't needed on Opening Day in 2013, but Doumit brought the ability to regularly play catcher and corner outfield. Doumit had a .756 OPS over a decade long career. His best offensive season might've come in 2012 with the Twins.

18. Jason Kubel (2009-11)
Kubel was a top 20 league wide prospect, and made the Twins playoff roster as a 22-year old rookie in 2004. They sent him to the Arizona Fall League to get some more at-bats after the team was eliminated, and he proceeded to tear his ACL. He still had a pretty good career, but you have to wonder if it could've been even better.

17. Robbie Grossman (2017)
For as dark as the Twins season was in 2016, one bright spot was Robbie Grossman. He was signed to a minor league contract in May 2016 after getting released by the Cleveland Indians, and was instantly able to give his struggling career a spark. Today, he's a career ten WAR player who has been to the playoffs with five different franchises. 

16. Marty Cordova (1999)
The 1995 AL Rookie of the Year hit .277 with a .799 OPS over his five seasons with the Twins. Cordova became a bit of a journeyman after leaving Minnesota, but still had a solid season or two.

15. Dan Gladden (1987)
1987 marked the Twins debut for Dan Gladden, who was expected to be a bench bat for the club after coming over from the San Francisco Giants. He started just eight of the team's first 25 games that season, before settling in as their starting left fielder. Gladden kept that role for several years, and he's now in the Twins Hall of Fame.

14. Rondell White (2006)
The former All-Star didn't fare too well with the Twins in his mid-30's, sporting a 62 OPS+ during his two seasons with the club. If there is a silver lining, he was 5-for-12 (.417) with a home run and a double during the 2006 ALDS. Minnesota got swept. But it wasn't because of Rondell White.

13. Gary Sanchez (2022)
It's easy to clown some of his issues with passed balls. There were a lot of really bad ones with the Yankees during some of their playoff runs. But Sanchez is still a two time All-Star who won a Silver Slugger in 2017. He also had a solid season with the San Diego Padres in 2023, and is currently with the Baltimore Orioles.

12. Gary Ward (1982)
Ward was named an All-Star twice during his 12 seasons in the big leagues, once with the Twins in 1983 and again with the Rangers in 1985. But despite this, 1982 might've been a career year for Ward. His 28 homers and 91 RBI that season were career highs.

11. Roy Smalley (1986)
Smalley was an All-Star who got MVP voters during a career year in 1979. He was a decent starting shortstop for the front part of his career, and a capable backup infielder in the back half. 1986 marked his second stint with the Twins, as his 13-year career was getting towards the end.

10. Jeff Cirillo (2007)
Before coming to Minnesota towards the end of his 14-year career, Cirillo was a two time All-Star third baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers. He hit over .300 five times, including four consecutive seasons from 1998-01.

9. Byron Buxton (2023)
The all-world defensive center fielder had to play designated hitter in 2023 due to knee issues, but he was back out on defense in 2024. Buxton was an All-Star in 2022. He also received MVP votes in 2017 and 2020.

8. Chili Davis (1991-92)
This three time All-Star with 350 home runs to his name put up an .862 OPS over his two seasons in Minnesota, helping them win the 1991 World Series. Davis also closed his career by winning two more rings with the Yankees in 1998 and 1999.

7. Justin Morneau (2012)
He doesn't quite have the longevity that Chili Davis did, but Morneau can be just a head of him on this rankings list due to his MVP peak. The Canadian slugger was AL MVP in 2006, and was MVP runner-up in 2008. He also won the NL batting title in 2014 while playing for the Colorado Rockies.

6. Nelson Cruz (2019-20)
Cruz raked to the tune of 464 career home runs, winning a Silver Slugger four times. Two of those came as a member of the Twins. His decorated career didn't include any World Series rings, but he still sported a .979 postseason OPS and was named 2011 ALCS MVP.

5. Tony Oliva (1973, 1975)
The American League adopted the designated hitter rule at the perfect time for Tony Oliva. Knee injuries had taken away his ability to play defense, but the DH was added in 1973. This helped extend his Hall of Fame career for a few extra seasons.

4. David Ortiz (2001-02)
This one might hurt Twins fans a bit, but David Ortiz was their starting designated hitter on Opening Day in 2000 and 2001. He slugged 541 career home runs, and led the American League in RBI three times. Sadly, the Twins were not the team primarily benefiting from all this success.

3. Paul Molitor (1996-98)
The list of accolades here is very long! Molitor is a member of the 3,000 hit club and was an All-Star seven times. He also won World Series MVP for the Toronto Blue Jays in 1993.

2. Dave Winfield (1993-94)
After winning a World Series with Toronto in 1992, the Minnesota native came home and got his 3,000th career hit in a Twins uniform. Winfield was a 12 time All-Star who won seven Gold Gloves and six Silver Sluggers.

1. Harmon Killebew (1974)
Killebrew led the league in home runs six times, and paced the league in RBI four times. While his career .256 batting average isn't much to write home about, his ability to draw walks gives him the same on-base percentage as career .305 hitter Henry Aaron.