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Or at least a glorified opener.

And the salt turns to hypertension and obesity?

Duck on the pond left by RBI Gordon...

Duck on the pond for RBI Gordon...

Beat me to it!

So convenient!

So, can I brush my teeth and scrub grout at the same time as long as I toss the brush after I'm done?

Baseball makes for good background noise for such things!

Good point! We don't want to crash the site. @Brock Beauchampwould be pissed!

Yes.

The Pope tried to ban it even before the European leaders did. Similar results.

Ssshhh. We don't ask that.

I'm sure he laughed till he cried at the crossbow ban! Yeah, like that'll work!

I remember that pretty well. I was in high school and just got off of work when those started coming in.

This seems like a reasonable excuse to bail on us. Congratulations!

Hello once again, Game Thread readers! I'm back for yet another adventure in type! Today's adventure on the baseball diamond features your Minnesota Twins taking on the Boston Red Sox. After last night's solid performance, hopefully we'll get a repeat of that tonight. Before we get to the lineups, those that know me a bit know that I enjoy me some history. Now and then, I like to look back at what's taken place on this day throughout history. And today has got some interesting stuff, both on the diamond and off. For instance, on this day in 1146, European leaders outlaw the crossbow with the intent to end war for all time. That worked splendidly, didn't it? On the more pleasant side, in 1993, the "Late Show with David Letterman" debuted on CBS after 11 years on NBC. Or, in 1926 Jack Hobbs scores 316 not out at Lord's. I don't have any idea what that means, but it sounds impressive! I should learn something about cricket, I guess. Something I know a bit more about, meat products, had a good day on this day in 1890 when President Benjamin Harrison signed the first US law requiring inspection of meat products. Seems like a good idea, no? On the diamond, a lot has occurred on this date. Ty Cobb made his big league debut in 1905, doubling off of the NY Highlanders' (there can be only one) Jack Chesbro. Staying with the Highlanders, the very next year, Joe Doyle makes his debut by tossing back-to-back shut outs! Imagine what the NY media would anoint him if he did that today? In 1910, the Yankees Tom Hughes tosses 9 no-hit innings yet still manages to lose to Cleveland 5-1. Ouch. 1913 saw a game between the Phillies and Giants forfeited to the Giants in the top of the 9th when fans in the bleachers try to distract the Giants. The Phillies were up 8-6 at the time. This was later overruled, but it still happened! @USAFChiefmight remember Atley Donald well because he threw a baseball a record 94.7mph on this date in 1939. I might be more impressed by the fact that they could clock it at all, let alone to the tenth of a mph. Others might be more impressed by Jack Fisher walking 12 Angels in a 9 inning game in 1961. Or Jim Rice hitting into his record 33rd double play, on his way to 36 in 1984. Casey Stengel died on this day in 1965. But what most of us here probably care about most is that on this day in 1987, a guy named Kirby Puckett went 6-for-6 with two long balls helping the Twins top the Brewers 10-6! Alright, enough of the history lesson. Wake up everyone! I SAID WAKE UP!!! Back to modern day, today. The Red Sox will send righty Kutter Crawford and his 5.30 ERA to the mound to try to better the Twins righty Chris Archer and his 4.34 ERA. I'd say this could be a high scoring affair, but that probably means that it'll be 2-1. So, I won't say it. To the lineups! Boston: LF - Pham RF - Verdugo SS - Bogaerts 3B - Devers DH - Martinez 2B - Story 1B - Cordero CF - Hernandez C - McGuire Minnesota: 1B - Arraez SS - Correa RF - Kepler DH - Miranda 2B - Gordon 3B - Urshela LF - Cave CF - Celestino C - Sanchez Enjoy the game everyone!

Don't go breakin my heart, Chief! Say it ain't so!

Motley Crue and Kiss opening for Elton John featuring Cher!

Which has been going on for about 3 years! I saw him the first last time he was going to be in Minneapolis and he's been back once already!

So he's due!

Sure, but that doesn't make them a good hitting team. They may be that particular day, but hard to argue they are on a daily basis. Which is what a good hitting team is.

But I left, so I'll never see this in time!

Then what's the connection between your first point and the second one?

Are the Twins a good hitting team?