scottz

There are many things in Nick's article that are incorrect, and some that I agree with. This isn't meant to attack but to show a different viewpoint that he might not see.
 
"Our community is broken. Our country is broken."
We live in the greatest country on earth. Our community/country is not broken. You are stating your opinion as fact. A tragic death lead to a protest which lead to planned riots and anarchists coming to Mpls and many large cities throughout the nation. There are problems with bad police. There are problems with bad media that spreads divide. There are problems with bad plumbers, electricians, bankers, etc... that believe the divide and buy into the hate and anger. Go to most communities and you'll see blacks, whites, brown, you name the color, all get along.People that live in the same community or neighborhood will defend those they associate with regardless of color because of their shared interests or shared sense of community.
"To shy away from this conversation is to contribute to the widespread apathy and complacency that has brought us to this tragic state." "Unaware of what the mask meant."
Why does he need to get involved in the conversation? There isn't one person I've seen in social media whether they be on the left or right that has condoned the former cops horrible actions. He's been condemned in every corner. Believe it or not he doesn't have to post his every thought on social issues. He already got harassed by wearing a blue lives matter face mask. (To those people that shamed him, shame on you. Those officers protect your freedoms and risk their lives every day. A cop in Waseca is learning to walk again because he was shot by meth dealer/addict). There's nothing wrong with supporting the police because 99% of them are good and want to uphold the law. What does the mask mean? It means that police lives matter, too. By saying that police lives don't matter you create the divide that was mentioned earlier.
 
"Racism has no place in our world and I do not in any way support the actions that we all witnessed that led to George Floyd’s passing.”
Max denounced racism. He denounced the murder. He doesn't need to part of a demonstration to make a change. He can do that by backing his friends in his own private way. Because you don't see him out on the streets carrying a sign or screaming at the police doesn't make his statements any less important.
"Not into politics [peace sign]." This is the attitude that has gotten our society to this point: comfortable white people choosing to excuse themselves from the conversation, because it doesn't affect them personally."
Do you actually believe we have a more civil society with the combination of social media and politics? He doesn't need to be into politics...at least no publicly. He can have Walter Mondale buttons or Barry Goldwater signs in his garage for all we know. This murder is not political and murder never should be. "comfortable white" people? Seriously??? If a person isn't interested in politics it doesn't make them a comfortable white person. Would you say the same about someone that's black and not involved in political discourse? You are making a group think statement that everyone must think and act as you.
 
"Kepler's comments come as a slap in the face to a grieving and enraged community where he's supposed to be a leader."
I've spent a lot of time on social media lately and I haven't seen one person clamoring to hear Max Keplers take on the protests/riots. As a matter of fact I haven't seen anyone wondering what any of the MN Twins, Vikings, or any other professional organization is saying. It's not a slap in the face to the community at all. The community doesn't need Max Kepler to say anything. Who appointed him as a leader and what is he a leader of? Most people that I know don't look to baseball players as leaders. They look to him to make plays on the field.
I personally don't care what Chris Cuomo says. I had to get that in only because your news source quote pegs you as left of center. If you had quoted people on both sides of the aisle it adds credibility. That's more of a journalism critique than anything else.
"precisely what perpetuates a lack of change that is destroying us."
Kepler on the sidelines isn't the problem. What's the underlying problem? Is it the people in the city or the people running it. If it's the people in the city then the problem was there long before Max got here. If it's the people running the city you have to look at who has been running the city for decades. The problem isn't new so you're going to have to go back. If people won't vote for a change then the problem will continue.
 
"Kepler and the Twins aren't playing baseball due to a global health crisis that has sadly been framed as "political" by some".
It is sad that a health crisis is political. 80% of the deaths in MN have been in Long term care facilities. A new study out of Max's home country shows that a majority of the people would have eventually died this year regardless. When all the info doesn't come out and people are left in the dark it's going to become political.
"our site's audience is predominately white, and relatively affluent. We are the voices needed most in this fight."
Soft bigotry at it's finest. Our voices our no more important than the poorest minority in the poorest area of Minneapolis/St Paul. I can't speak to their plight, any injustice (real or perceived), or relate to what it's like to get pulled over because of color. I can only advocate for justice for every human being that walks the earth.
 
"a meaningless platitude, copping out with a "not into politics" comment is not an option...."We need to confront these issues seriously,"
It's meaningless to you if you view it that way. To me it means he wants peace and you see, not into politics is an option. I believe what bothers you is he's not into your politics and you want him to be. Politics is a touchy issue. The blue lives matter mask proved it. He plays for 100% of Minnesotans, not just the ones who want him to be politically active.
Everyone - at least caring, logical people, want injustice to end. What really needs to happen right now is justice for George Floyd.

Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes
Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out
Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball
Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it
Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot
Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear
Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast
Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat
Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here
Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019
Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40
Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39
Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas
Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz
Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated
Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much
Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states
Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors
Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here
Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him
Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly
Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs
Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska
Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh
Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits
Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have
Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes
Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes
Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish
Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible
Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"
Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here
C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here
Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent
Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him
Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much
Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York
Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible
Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left
Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long
Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?
Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta
Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible
Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?
Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?
Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.
Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over
Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over
C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over
Eric Thames RF 33 -
Steve Cishek RP 34 -
Steven Pearce 1B 37
Jedd Gyorko 3B 31
Pedro Strop RP 35
Kevin Pillar CF 31
Collin McHugh RP 33
Tyson Ross SP 33
Robinson Chirinos C 36
Arodys Vizcaino RP 29
Juan Lagares CF 31
Travis Shaw 3B 30
Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28
Danny Salazar SP 30
Justin Smoak 1B 33
Hector Rondon RP 32
Wilmer Flores 2B 28
Will Harris RP 35
Steven Souza RF 31
Jon Jay RF 35
Matt Adams 1B 31
Jarrod Dyson CF 35
Jimmy Nelson RP 31
Brock Holt 2B 32
Brian Duensing RP 37
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34
Addison Russell SS 26
Chad Bettis SP 31
Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36
Clay Buchholz SP 35
Wade LeBlanc RP 35
Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31
Shawn Kelley RP 36
Matt Duffy 3B 29
Nate Jones RP 34
Tony Cingrani RP 30
Hernan Perez 2B 29
David Phelps RP 33
Matt Albers RP 37
Justin Bour 1B 32
Matt Moore SP 31
Jose Iglesias SS 30
Martin Maldonado C 33
Jonny Venters RP 35
Craig Stammen RP 36
Jared Hughes RP 34
Edinson Volquez RP 36
Logan Forsythe 2B 33
Derek Dietrich 2B 30
Brian McCann C 36
Hunter Pence RF 37
Neil Walker 2B 34
Gio Gonzalez SP 34
Domingo Santana RF 27
Devon Travis 2B 29
J.C. Ramirez SP 31
Kazuhisa Makita RP
Francisco Liriano RP 36
Devin Mesoraco C 32
Tim Beckham 3B 30
Curtis Granderson LF 39
Kyle Barraclough RP 30
Chris Rusin RP 33
Luis Garcia RP 33
John Axford RP 37
Luis Avilan RP 30
Brandon Guyer LF 34
Ryan Tepera RP 32
Daniel Hudson RP 33
Matt Wieters C 34
Tyler Clippard RP 35
Brandon Maurer RP 29
Jerry Blevins RP 36
Robbie Erlin RP 29
Cory Gearrin RP 34
Ryan Buchter RP 33
Aaron Loup RP 32
Steven Wright RP 35
Jeremy Hellickson RP 33
Dominic Leone RP 28
Dan Otero RP 35
Bryan Hoay C 32
Cory Spangenberg 2B 29
Greg Bird 1B 27
Melky Cabrera LF 35
Kevin Plawecki C 29
Caleb Joseph C 34
Josh Phegley C 32
Nicholas Tropeano SP 29
Jose Lobaton C 35
Gorkys Hernandez LF 32
Adam Rosales 2B 37
Ervin Santana SP 37
Logan Morrison DH 32
Erasmo Ramirez SP 30
Matt Joyce LF 35
Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31
Josh Tomlin RP 35
Ryan Goins 2B 32
Jerad Eickhoff SP 29
Bryan Mitchell RP 29
John Ryan Murphy C 29
Xavier Cedeno RP 33
Tyler Saino SS 30
Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27
Jesus Sucre C 32
Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30
Andres Blanco 3B 36
Tom Koehler RP 34
Josh Fields RP 34
Javy Guerra RP 34
Fernando Abad RP 34
Ronald Torreyes 2B 27
Guillermo Heredia CF 29
Tony Barnette RP 36
Gordon Beckham 2B 33
J.B. Shuck LF 33
Allen Webster SP 30
Michael Blazek RP 31
Cody Anderson SP 29
Josh Thole C 33
Pat Venditte RP 35
Ryon Healy 1B 28
Elias Diaz C 29
Matt Grace RP 31
Jose Pirela 2B 30
Dan Straily SP 31
Jesse Biddle RP 28
Edubray Ramos RP 27
Kevan Smith C 32
Trevor Hildenberger RP 29
Joey Rickard LF 29
Jacob Barnes RP 30
John Hicks C 30
Daniel Stumpf RP 29
Tyler Olson RP 30
J.T. Riddle SS 28
Aaron Brooks SP 30
D.J. Johnson RP 30
Jacob Nix SP 24
Ryan Burr RP 26
Rajai Davis CF 39
Carlos Gomez RF 34
Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.
Kohl Stewart RP 25
Tim Peterson RP 29
Felipe Paulino SP 36
Hector Santiago RP 32
Eric Sogard 2B 34
Mike Morin RP 29
Homer Bailey SP 34
Blake Parker RP 35
Brian Schlitter RP 34
Brooks Pounders RP 29
Danny Hultzen RP 30
Caleb Frare RP 26
Thyago Vieira RP 27
Ryan Feierabend SP 34
Derek Law RP 29
Jim Adduci CF 35
Jason Adam RP 28
Rob Brantly C 30
Wilkin Castillo C 36
Rico Garcia P 26
Isaac Galloway RF 30
Humberto Arteaga SS 26
Oscar Hernandez C 26
Erick Mejia 2B 25
Deven Marrero SS 29
Ian Gibaut RP 26
Peter O'Brien RF 29
Jace Peterson 3B 30
Yadiel Rivera 2B 28
David Hale RP 32
Tom Milone SP 33
Josh Smith RP 32
Drew Gagnon RP 30
Fernando Salas RP 35
Joe Hudson C 29
Francisco Cervelli C 34
Austin Adams P 33
Joe Panik 2B 29
Ross Detwiler RP 34
Aaron Slegers SP 27
Zac Rosscup RP 32
Chris Owings 2B 28
Robby Scott RP 30
Juan Minaya RP 29
Brad Miller 2B 30
Charlie Tilson CF 27
Mike Gerber OF 27
Kris Negron RF 34
Edwin Jackson SP 36
Tyler Lyons RP 32
Buddy hers RP 32
Jonathan Lucroy C 34
Tim Federowicz C 33
Sean Gilmartin RP 30
Cameron Maybin RF 33
Rookie Davis SP 27
Donnie Hart RP 29
Sean Rodriguez 2B 35
Ricardo Pinto RP 26
Gabriel Ynoa SP 27
Yonder Alonso 1B 33
David Carpenter RP 34
Tayler Scott SP 28
Ryan Eades P 28
Matt Kemp LF 35
Pablo Sandoval 3B 33
Bobby Wilson C 37
Rene Rivera C 36
Nick Vincent RP 33
Juan Centeno C 30
Ryan LaMarre LF 31
Gregor Blanco RF 36
Chris Stewart C 38
Marcos Mateo RP 36
Erik Kratz C 40
Tim Collins RP 30
Jeff Bianchi 2B 33
Rubby De La Rosa SP 31
Josh Edgin RP 33
Jemile Weeks 2B 33
Travis Snider RF 32
Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36
Mike Zagurski RP 37
Shane Robinson CF 35
Cliff Pennington SS 36
Alex Wilson RP 33
Danny Espinosa SS 33
Ricky Nolasco SP 37
Logan Kensing RP 37
Dylan Axelrod RP 34
Johnny Giavotella 2B 32
Duane Below RP 34
J.C. can C 40
Chris Withrow RP 31
Nick Franklin LF 29
Rafael Lopez C 32
George Kontos RP 35
Seth Maness RP 31
Alcides Escobar SS 33
Grant Green LF 32
Neftali Feliz RP 32
J.J. Hoover RP 32
Wilin Rosario 1B 31
Chris Hatcher RP 35
Dan Runzler RP 35
Collin Balester RP 34
Brandon Beachy SP 33
Brandon Hicks 2B 34
Henderson Alvarez SP 30
Juan Jaime RP 32
Alex Torres RP 32
Robbie Ross RP 31
Drew Hutchison SP 29
Zach McAllister RP 32
Cole Gillespie LF 36
Stolmy Pimentel RP 30
Michael Martinez 2B 37
Dioner Navarro C 36
Logan Ondrusek RP 35
Stephen Pryor RP 30
Fernando Rodriguez RP 36
Ezequiel Carrera LF 33
Wilkin Ramirez LF 34
Emilio Bonifacio CF 35
Mark Rogers RP 34
B.J. Rosenberg RP 34
Justin Sellers SS 34
Moises Sierra RF 31
Scott Van Slyke LF 33
Josh Zeid RP 33
Zach Putnam RP 32
Shelby Miller SP 29
David Lough RF 34
Brad Boxberger RP 32
Hector Sanchez C 30

Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes
Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out
Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball
Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it
Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot
Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear
Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast
Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat
Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here
Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019
Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40
Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39
Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas
Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz
Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated
Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much
Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states
Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors
Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here
Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him
Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly
Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs
Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska
Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh
Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits
Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have
Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes
Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes
Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish
Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible
Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"
Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here
C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here
Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent
Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him
Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much
Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York
Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible
Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left
Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long
Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?
Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta
Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible
Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?
Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?
Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.
Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over
Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over
C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over
Eric Thames RF 33 -
Steve Cishek RP 34 -
Steven Pearce 1B 37
Jedd Gyorko 3B 31
Pedro Strop RP 35
Kevin Pillar CF 31
Collin McHugh RP 33
Tyson Ross SP 33
Robinson Chirinos C 36
Arodys Vizcaino RP 29
Juan Lagares CF 31
Travis Shaw 3B 30
Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28
Danny Salazar SP 30
Justin Smoak 1B 33
Hector Rondon RP 32
Wilmer Flores 2B 28
Will Harris RP 35
Steven Souza RF 31
Jon Jay RF 35
Matt Adams 1B 31
Jarrod Dyson CF 35
Jimmy Nelson RP 31
Brock Holt 2B 32
Brian Duensing RP 37
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34
Addison Russell SS 26
Chad Bettis SP 31
Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36
Clay Buchholz SP 35
Wade LeBlanc RP 35
Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31
Shawn Kelley RP 36
Matt Duffy 3B 29
Nate Jones RP 34
Tony Cingrani RP 30
Hernan Perez 2B 29
David Phelps RP 33
Matt Albers RP 37
Justin Bour 1B 32
Matt Moore SP 31
Jose Iglesias SS 30
Martin Maldonado C 33
Jonny Venters RP 35
Craig Stammen RP 36
Jared Hughes RP 34
Edinson Volquez RP 36
Logan Forsythe 2B 33
Derek Dietrich 2B 30
Brian McCann C 36
Hunter Pence RF 37
Neil Walker 2B 34
Gio Gonzalez SP 34
Domingo Santana RF 27
Devon Travis 2B 29
J.C. Ramirez SP 31
Kazuhisa Makita RP
Francisco Liriano RP 36
Devin Mesoraco C 32
Tim Beckham 3B 30
Curtis Granderson LF 39
Kyle Barraclough RP 30
Chris Rusin RP 33
Luis Garcia RP 33
John Axford RP 37
Luis Avilan RP 30
Brandon Guyer LF 34
Ryan Tepera RP 32
Daniel Hudson RP 33
Matt Wieters C 34
Tyler Clippard RP 35
Brandon Maurer RP 29
Jerry Blevins RP 36
Robbie Erlin RP 29
Cory Gearrin RP 34
Ryan Buchter RP 33
Aaron Loup RP 32
Steven Wright RP 35
Jeremy Hellickson RP 33
Dominic Leone RP 28
Dan Otero RP 35
Bryan Hoay C 32
Cory Spangenberg 2B 29
Greg Bird 1B 27
Melky Cabrera LF 35
Kevin Plawecki C 29
Caleb Joseph C 34
Josh Phegley C 32
Nicholas Tropeano SP 29
Jose Lobaton C 35
Gorkys Hernandez LF 32
Adam Rosales 2B 37
Ervin Santana SP 37
Logan Morrison DH 32
Erasmo Ramirez SP 30
Matt Joyce LF 35
Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31
Josh Tomlin RP 35
Ryan Goins 2B 32
Jerad Eickhoff SP 29
Bryan Mitchell RP 29
John Ryan Murphy C 29
Xavier Cedeno RP 33
Tyler Saino SS 30
Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27
Jesus Sucre C 32
Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30
Andres Blanco 3B 36
Tom Koehler RP 34
Josh Fields RP 34
Javy Guerra RP 34
Fernando Abad RP 34
Ronald Torreyes 2B 27
Guillermo Heredia CF 29
Tony Barnette RP 36
Gordon Beckham 2B 33
J.B. Shuck LF 33
Allen Webster SP 30
Michael Blazek RP 31
Cody Anderson SP 29
Josh Thole C 33
Pat Venditte RP 35
Ryon Healy 1B 28
Elias Diaz C 29
Matt Grace RP 31
Jose Pirela 2B 30
Dan Straily SP 31
Jesse Biddle RP 28
Edubray Ramos RP 27
Kevan Smith C 32
Trevor Hildenberger RP 29
Joey Rickard LF 29
Jacob Barnes RP 30
John Hicks C 30
Daniel Stumpf RP 29
Tyler Olson RP 30
J.T. Riddle SS 28
Aaron Brooks SP 30
D.J. Johnson RP 30
Jacob Nix SP 24
Ryan Burr RP 26
Rajai Davis CF 39
Carlos Gomez RF 34
Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.
Kohl Stewart RP 25
Tim Peterson RP 29
Felipe Paulino SP 36
Hector Santiago RP 32
Eric Sogard 2B 34
Mike Morin RP 29
Homer Bailey SP 34
Blake Parker RP 35
Brian Schlitter RP 34
Brooks Pounders RP 29
Danny Hultzen RP 30
Caleb Frare RP 26
Thyago Vieira RP 27
Ryan Feierabend SP 34
Derek Law RP 29
Jim Adduci CF 35
Jason Adam RP 28
Rob Brantly C 30
Wilkin Castillo C 36
Rico Garcia P 26
Isaac Galloway RF 30
Humberto Arteaga SS 26
Oscar Hernandez C 26
Erick Mejia 2B 25
Deven Marrero SS 29
Ian Gibaut RP 26
Peter O'Brien RF 29
Jace Peterson 3B 30
Yadiel Rivera 2B 28
David Hale RP 32
Tom Milone SP 33
Josh Smith RP 32
Drew Gagnon RP 30
Fernando Salas RP 35
Joe Hudson C 29
Francisco Cervelli C 34
Austin Adams P 33
Joe Panik 2B 29
Ross Detwiler RP 34
Aaron Slegers SP 27
Zac Rosscup RP 32
Chris Owings 2B 28
Robby Scott RP 30
Juan Minaya RP 29
Brad Miller 2B 30
Charlie Tilson CF 27
Mike Gerber OF 27
Kris Negron RF 34
Edwin Jackson SP 36
Tyler Lyons RP 32
Buddy hers RP 32
Jonathan Lucroy C 34
Tim Federowicz C 33
Sean Gilmartin RP 30
Cameron Maybin RF 33
Rookie Davis SP 27
Donnie Hart RP 29
Sean Rodriguez 2B 35
Ricardo Pinto RP 26
Gabriel Ynoa SP 27
Yonder Alonso 1B 33
David Carpenter RP 34
Tayler Scott SP 28
Ryan Eades P 28
Matt Kemp LF 35
Pablo Sandoval 3B 33
Bobby Wilson C 37
Rene Rivera C 36
Nick Vincent RP 33
Juan Centeno C 30
Ryan LaMarre LF 31
Gregor Blanco RF 36
Chris Stewart C 38
Marcos Mateo RP 36
Erik Kratz C 40
Tim Collins RP 30
Jeff Bianchi 2B 33
Rubby De La Rosa SP 31
Josh Edgin RP 33
Jemile Weeks 2B 33
Travis Snider RF 32
Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36
Mike Zagurski RP 37
Shane Robinson CF 35
Cliff Pennington SS 36
Alex Wilson RP 33
Danny Espinosa SS 33
Ricky Nolasco SP 37
Logan Kensing RP 37
Dylan Axelrod RP 34
Johnny Giavotella 2B 32
Duane Below RP 34
J.C. can C 40
Chris Withrow RP 31
Nick Franklin LF 29
Rafael Lopez C 32
George Kontos RP 35
Seth Maness RP 31
Alcides Escobar SS 33
Grant Green LF 32
Neftali Feliz RP 32
J.J. Hoover RP 32
Wilin Rosario 1B 31
Chris Hatcher RP 35
Dan Runzler RP 35
Collin Balester RP 34
Brandon Beachy SP 33
Brandon Hicks 2B 34
Henderson Alvarez SP 30
Juan Jaime RP 32
Alex Torres RP 32
Robbie Ross RP 31
Drew Hutchison SP 29
Zach McAllister RP 32
Cole Gillespie LF 36
Stolmy Pimentel RP 30
Michael Martinez 2B 37
Dioner Navarro C 36
Logan Ondrusek RP 35
Stephen Pryor RP 30
Fernando Rodriguez RP 36
Ezequiel Carrera LF 33
Wilkin Ramirez LF 34
Emilio Bonifacio CF 35
Mark Rogers RP 34
B.J. Rosenberg RP 34
Justin Sellers SS 34
Moises Sierra RF 31
Scott Van Slyke LF 33
Josh Zeid RP 33
Zach Putnam RP 32
Shelby Miller SP 29
David Lough RF 34
Brad Boxberger RP 32
Hector Sanchez C 30

They can't.

Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes
Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out
Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball
Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it
Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot
Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear
Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast
Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat
Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here
Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019
Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40
Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39
Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas
Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz
Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated
Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much
Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states
Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors
Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here
Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him
Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly
Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs
Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska
Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh
Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits
Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have
Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes
Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes
Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish
Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible
Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"
Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here
C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here
Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent
Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him
Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much
Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York
Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible
Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left
Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long
Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?
Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta
Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible
Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?
Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?
Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.
Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over
Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over
C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over
Eric Thames RF 33 -
Steve Cishek RP 34 -
Steven Pearce 1B 37
Jedd Gyorko 3B 31
Pedro Strop RP 35
Kevin Pillar CF 31
Collin McHugh RP 33
Tyson Ross SP 33
Robinson Chirinos C 36
Arodys Vizcaino RP 29
Juan Lagares CF 31
Travis Shaw 3B 30
Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28
Danny Salazar SP 30
Justin Smoak 1B 33
Hector Rondon RP 32
Wilmer Flores 2B 28
Will Harris RP 35
Steven Souza RF 31
Jon Jay RF 35
Matt Adams 1B 31
Jarrod Dyson CF 35
Jimmy Nelson RP 31
Brock Holt 2B 32
Brian Duensing RP 37
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34
Addison Russell SS 26
Chad Bettis SP 31
Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36
Clay Buchholz SP 35
Wade LeBlanc RP 35
Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31
Shawn Kelley RP 36
Matt Duffy 3B 29
Nate Jones RP 34
Tony Cingrani RP 30
Hernan Perez 2B 29
David Phelps RP 33
Matt Albers RP 37
Justin Bour 1B 32
Matt Moore SP 31
Jose Iglesias SS 30
Martin Maldonado C 33
Jonny Venters RP 35
Craig Stammen RP 36
Jared Hughes RP 34
Edinson Volquez RP 36
Logan Forsythe 2B 33
Derek Dietrich 2B 30
Brian McCann C 36
Hunter Pence RF 37
Neil Walker 2B 34
Gio Gonzalez SP 34
Domingo Santana RF 27
Devon Travis 2B 29
J.C. Ramirez SP 31
Kazuhisa Makita RP
Francisco Liriano RP 36
Devin Mesoraco C 32
Tim Beckham 3B 30
Curtis Granderson LF 39
Kyle Barraclough RP 30
Chris Rusin RP 33
Luis Garcia RP 33
John Axford RP 37
Luis Avilan RP 30
Brandon Guyer LF 34
Ryan Tepera RP 32
Daniel Hudson RP 33
Matt Wieters C 34
Tyler Clippard RP 35
Brandon Maurer RP 29
Jerry Blevins RP 36
Robbie Erlin RP 29
Cory Gearrin RP 34
Ryan Buchter RP 33
Aaron Loup RP 32
Steven Wright RP 35
Jeremy Hellickson RP 33
Dominic Leone RP 28
Dan Otero RP 35
Bryan Hoay C 32
Cory Spangenberg 2B 29
Greg Bird 1B 27
Melky Cabrera LF 35
Kevin Plawecki C 29
Caleb Joseph C 34
Josh Phegley C 32
Nicholas Tropeano SP 29
Jose Lobaton C 35
Gorkys Hernandez LF 32
Adam Rosales 2B 37
Ervin Santana SP 37
Logan Morrison DH 32
Erasmo Ramirez SP 30
Matt Joyce LF 35
Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31
Josh Tomlin RP 35
Ryan Goins 2B 32
Jerad Eickhoff SP 29
Bryan Mitchell RP 29
John Ryan Murphy C 29
Xavier Cedeno RP 33
Tyler Saino SS 30
Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27
Jesus Sucre C 32
Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30
Andres Blanco 3B 36
Tom Koehler RP 34
Josh Fields RP 34
Javy Guerra RP 34
Fernando Abad RP 34
Ronald Torreyes 2B 27
Guillermo Heredia CF 29
Tony Barnette RP 36
Gordon Beckham 2B 33
J.B. Shuck LF 33
Allen Webster SP 30
Michael Blazek RP 31
Cody Anderson SP 29
Josh Thole C 33
Pat Venditte RP 35
Ryon Healy 1B 28
Elias Diaz C 29
Matt Grace RP 31
Jose Pirela 2B 30
Dan Straily SP 31
Jesse Biddle RP 28
Edubray Ramos RP 27
Kevan Smith C 32
Trevor Hildenberger RP 29
Joey Rickard LF 29
Jacob Barnes RP 30
John Hicks C 30
Daniel Stumpf RP 29
Tyler Olson RP 30
J.T. Riddle SS 28
Aaron Brooks SP 30
D.J. Johnson RP 30
Jacob Nix SP 24
Ryan Burr RP 26
Rajai Davis CF 39
Carlos Gomez RF 34
Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.
Kohl Stewart RP 25
Tim Peterson RP 29
Felipe Paulino SP 36
Hector Santiago RP 32
Eric Sogard 2B 34
Mike Morin RP 29
Homer Bailey SP 34
Blake Parker RP 35
Brian Schlitter RP 34
Brooks Pounders RP 29
Danny Hultzen RP 30
Caleb Frare RP 26
Thyago Vieira RP 27
Ryan Feierabend SP 34
Derek Law RP 29
Jim Adduci CF 35
Jason Adam RP 28
Rob Brantly C 30
Wilkin Castillo C 36
Rico Garcia P 26
Isaac Galloway RF 30
Humberto Arteaga SS 26
Oscar Hernandez C 26
Erick Mejia 2B 25
Deven Marrero SS 29
Ian Gibaut RP 26
Peter O'Brien RF 29
Jace Peterson 3B 30
Yadiel Rivera 2B 28
David Hale RP 32
Tom Milone SP 33
Josh Smith RP 32
Drew Gagnon RP 30
Fernando Salas RP 35
Joe Hudson C 29
Francisco Cervelli C 34
Austin Adams P 33
Joe Panik 2B 29
Ross Detwiler RP 34
Aaron Slegers SP 27
Zac Rosscup RP 32
Chris Owings 2B 28
Robby Scott RP 30
Juan Minaya RP 29
Brad Miller 2B 30
Charlie Tilson CF 27
Mike Gerber OF 27
Kris Negron RF 34
Edwin Jackson SP 36
Tyler Lyons RP 32
Buddy hers RP 32
Jonathan Lucroy C 34
Tim Federowicz C 33
Sean Gilmartin RP 30
Cameron Maybin RF 33
Rookie Davis SP 27
Donnie Hart RP 29
Sean Rodriguez 2B 35
Ricardo Pinto RP 26
Gabriel Ynoa SP 27
Yonder Alonso 1B 33
David Carpenter RP 34
Tayler Scott SP 28
Ryan Eades P 28
Matt Kemp LF 35
Pablo Sandoval 3B 33
Bobby Wilson C 37
Rene Rivera C 36
Nick Vincent RP 33
Juan Centeno C 30
Ryan LaMarre LF 31
Gregor Blanco RF 36
Chris Stewart C 38
Marcos Mateo RP 36
Erik Kratz C 40
Tim Collins RP 30
Jeff Bianchi 2B 33
Rubby De La Rosa SP 31
Josh Edgin RP 33
Jemile Weeks 2B 33
Travis Snider RF 32
Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36
Mike Zagurski RP 37
Shane Robinson CF 35
Cliff Pennington SS 36
Alex Wilson RP 33
Danny Espinosa SS 33
Ricky Nolasco SP 37
Logan Kensing RP 37
Dylan Axelrod RP 34
Johnny Giavotella 2B 32
Duane Below RP 34
J.C. can C 40
Chris Withrow RP 31
Nick Franklin LF 29
Rafael Lopez C 32
George Kontos RP 35
Seth Maness RP 31
Alcides Escobar SS 33
Grant Green LF 32
Neftali Feliz RP 32
J.J. Hoover RP 32
Wilin Rosario 1B 31
Chris Hatcher RP 35
Dan Runzler RP 35
Collin Balester RP 34
Brandon Beachy SP 33
Brandon Hicks 2B 34
Henderson Alvarez SP 30
Juan Jaime RP 32
Alex Torres RP 32
Robbie Ross RP 31
Drew Hutchison SP 29
Zach McAllister RP 32
Cole Gillespie LF 36
Stolmy Pimentel RP 30
Michael Martinez 2B 37
Dioner Navarro C 36
Logan Ondrusek RP 35
Stephen Pryor RP 30
Fernando Rodriguez RP 36
Ezequiel Carrera LF 33
Wilkin Ramirez LF 34
Emilio Bonifacio CF 35
Mark Rogers RP 34
B.J. Rosenberg RP 34
Justin Sellers SS 34
Moises Sierra RF 31
Scott Van Slyke LF 33
Josh Zeid RP 33
Zach Putnam RP 32
Shelby Miller SP 29
David Lough RF 34
Brad Boxberger RP 32
Hector Sanchez C 30

Hello all. My name, as you could see from the byline, is Lucas Seehafer and I am a Doctor of Physical Therapy and strength and conditioning specialist working in the greater Minneapolis-St. Paul area. I've been a fan of the Twins since the early 2000's and figured the Twins Daily community may enjoy some insight into the field of sports rehabilitation and performance. If this is the type of content you enjoy, I can be found on Twitter at @sportkinematics and many other sites, including A Wolf Among Wolves, The Step Back, and (soon) Forbes, where I cover athlete health and performance.
 
In what can only be seen as encouraging news, Minnesota Twins centerfielder has been cleared to begin swinging again, according to The Minneapolis Star Tribunes' Phil Miller.
 
Miller reports, "[buxton] will be limited to hitting off a tee or doing other basic drills while his shoulder gains strength, but the Twins expect Buxton to progress to hitting off a pitching machine by early next month. He could be ready to hit live pitching when the Twins hold their first full-squad workout on Feb. 17."
 
Buxton has not been able to swing since undergoing surgery in early September to repair a torn labrum in his left shoulder, which he originally injured after crashing into the centerfield wall.
 
The labrum is a ring of cartilage found in the shoulder - also known as the glenohumeral joint - that serves to deepen the socket; the labrum improves the stability of the shoulder by increasing the surface contact area between the bones of the shoulder - the humerus and the scapula - as well as by creating a vacuum that keeps the head of the humerus in contact with the socket of the scapula.
 
The labrum is often torn in one of two areas: the superior - or top - aspect or the anteroinferior - or bottom front - aspect.
 
The first kind of tear is known as a SLAP lesion; SLAP is an acronym for superior labrum anterior to posterior. This type of labrum tear is commonly seen in the dominant shoulder of overhead athletes as the primary mechanism of injury is repeated, forceful throwing.
 
The second kind of labral tear is known as a Bankart lesion and these are most frequently seen after an anteroinferior dislocation of the shoulder, the most common type of shoulder dislocation. It is likely that Buxton suffered a Bankart tear as his injury was originally - and erroneously - reported to be a partial separation; a separation of the shoulder involves the acromioclavicular joint, whereas a dislocation involves the glenohumeral joint.
 
Overhead athletes are usually cleared to return to higher-level, sport-specific activities by about four months post-Bankart repair, regardless of which shoulder, their dominant or non-dominant, was operated on; Buxton is almost exactly four months post-op.
 
The reason for this is pretty simple: the repaired labrum needs to be protected as much as possible while it is healing and the strength of the rotator cuff - the group of four muscles near the shoulder that assist the labrum in stabilizing the shoulder, amongst other things - needs to be sufficiently built up.
 
Throwing a baseball places a great amount of stress on the labrum of the dominant arm and, depending on the players handedness while batting, so does swinging (see the main image of this article).
 
All of this is to say that Buxton is right on track in his recovery process, which is good news for the Twins and Twins fans alike. Buxton will be brought along further in his recover program as his rotator cuff strengthens further and the Twins along with Buxton are able to determine how increasing the intensity of his workouts impacts his shoulder. As Miller states, barring any setbacks, Buxton should be able to progress to swinging at full-speed by mid-February and partake in game action during Spring Training or, at the very least, the beginning of the regular season.

Slowly but surely, even the least observant among us will have noticed the precious minutes of daylight being added since the winter solstice, spreading good cheer to Druids everywhere. And with the countdown to pitchers and catchers reporting falling to a mere 23 days, our thoughts turn to baseball, opening day, the first game cancelled due to snow, the All-Star Game, the trade deadline, rosters expanding in September, the Arizona Fall League, the Wild Card game, the Divisional Series, the League Championship Series, the World Series, winter meetings, the hot stove league, and pitchers and catchers reporting in 2021.
 
With such a plethora of events to keep us non-Druid baseball fans occupied, it's easy to overlook the complex machinations of who might start Game 3 of the 2021 American League Championship Series for your Minnesota Twins. But with the sun well shy of the 2020 vernal equinox, it's time to fire up our crystal balls and clear up the somewhat muddy waters of October 2021. Let's look at the candidates:
 
Trevor Bauer - Fresh off a World Championship season with the Cincinnati Reds, Bauer looks every bit the part of a #1 starter, so why include him here? Well remember, we're talking about 2021, and you can be darn sure that we won't be skating to the divisional championship with as much ease as we did in 2019 and 2020. Playing the division down to the wire means our rotation isn't exactly lined up how we'd prefer. Still, having Bauer settle in as our #3 for the rotation is not so bad, huh friends? I sure don't think so, and that's why he's my first choice here.
 
Robbie Ray - Sure, he hasn't pitched in a playoff game since 2017 and totally fell apart down the stretch for us in 2021, but when a guy has an alliterative name, you slot him in as the Third Thrower, amiright? Besides, he has an October birthday. He was practically born to pitch the third game in the series before next year's Fall Classic.
 
James Paxton - Yes, I know he's 32 in 2021. Yes, I know it isn't likely he'll even be on the Twins. But when every body else is looking to the right? The wise move is to look left. That's why I could see him making a lot of sense here.
 
Randy Dobnak - That mustache and glasses costume just doesn't get old. Still just 26 years old in 2021, Dobnak is ready to grab the spotlight and squeeze it in a way that normal people can't squeeze light. He's the kind of guy who seems ready-made to step into the folklore of Minnesota baseball. Are you ready for Legenddobnak?
 
Johan Santana - Hey, I don't think it'll happen either, but we're talking about 2021 here. Anything can happen, including Johan coming out of retirement with a brand new arm and the same ol' circle change. Would you want to face a brand-new-armed-Johan in Game 3 of the 2021 American League Championship Series? I didn't think so.
 
Now it's your turn to get real about the playoffs of next season. Who do you think should start Game 3 of the 2021 American League Championship Series for the Twins?

Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes
Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out
Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball
Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it
Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot
Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear
Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast
Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat
Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here
Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019
Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40
Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39
Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas
Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz
Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated
Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much
Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states
Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors
Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here
Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him
Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly
Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs
Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska
Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh
Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits
Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have
Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes
Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes
Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish
Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible
Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"
Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here
C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here
Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent
Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him
Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much
Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York
Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible
Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left
Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long
Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?
Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta
Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible
Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?
Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?
Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.
Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over
Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over
C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over
Eric Thames RF 33 -
Steve Cishek RP 34 -
Steven Pearce 1B 37
Jedd Gyorko 3B 31
Pedro Strop RP 35
Kevin Pillar CF 31
Collin McHugh RP 33
Tyson Ross SP 33
Robinson Chirinos C 36
Arodys Vizcaino RP 29
Juan Lagares CF 31
Travis Shaw 3B 30
Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28
Danny Salazar SP 30
Justin Smoak 1B 33
Hector Rondon RP 32
Wilmer Flores 2B 28
Will Harris RP 35
Steven Souza RF 31
Jon Jay RF 35
Matt Adams 1B 31
Jarrod Dyson CF 35
Jimmy Nelson RP 31
Brock Holt 2B 32
Brian Duensing RP 37
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34
Addison Russell SS 26
Chad Bettis SP 31
Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36
Clay Buchholz SP 35
Wade LeBlanc RP 35
Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31
Shawn Kelley RP 36
Matt Duffy 3B 29
Nate Jones RP 34
Tony Cingrani RP 30
Hernan Perez 2B 29
David Phelps RP 33
Matt Albers RP 37
Justin Bour 1B 32
Matt Moore SP 31
Jose Iglesias SS 30
Martin Maldonado C 33
Jonny Venters RP 35
Craig Stammen RP 36
Jared Hughes RP 34
Edinson Volquez RP 36
Logan Forsythe 2B 33
Derek Dietrich 2B 30
Brian McCann C 36
Hunter Pence RF 37
Neil Walker 2B 34
Gio Gonzalez SP 34
Domingo Santana RF 27
Devon Travis 2B 29
J.C. Ramirez SP 31
Kazuhisa Makita RP
Francisco Liriano RP 36
Devin Mesoraco C 32
Tim Beckham 3B 30
Curtis Granderson LF 39
Kyle Barraclough RP 30
Chris Rusin RP 33
Luis Garcia RP 33
John Axford RP 37
Luis Avilan RP 30
Brandon Guyer LF 34
Ryan Tepera RP 32
Daniel Hudson RP 33
Matt Wieters C 34
Tyler Clippard RP 35
Brandon Maurer RP 29
Jerry Blevins RP 36
Robbie Erlin RP 29
Cory Gearrin RP 34
Ryan Buchter RP 33
Aaron Loup RP 32
Steven Wright RP 35
Jeremy Hellickson RP 33
Dominic Leone RP 28
Dan Otero RP 35
Bryan Hoay C 32
Cory Spangenberg 2B 29
Greg Bird 1B 27
Melky Cabrera LF 35
Kevin Plawecki C 29
Caleb Joseph C 34
Josh Phegley C 32
Nicholas Tropeano SP 29
Jose Lobaton C 35
Gorkys Hernandez LF 32
Adam Rosales 2B 37
Ervin Santana SP 37
Logan Morrison DH 32
Erasmo Ramirez SP 30
Matt Joyce LF 35
Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31
Josh Tomlin RP 35
Ryan Goins 2B 32
Jerad Eickhoff SP 29
Bryan Mitchell RP 29
John Ryan Murphy C 29
Xavier Cedeno RP 33
Tyler Saino SS 30
Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27
Jesus Sucre C 32
Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30
Andres Blanco 3B 36
Tom Koehler RP 34
Josh Fields RP 34
Javy Guerra RP 34
Fernando Abad RP 34
Ronald Torreyes 2B 27
Guillermo Heredia CF 29
Tony Barnette RP 36
Gordon Beckham 2B 33
J.B. Shuck LF 33
Allen Webster SP 30
Michael Blazek RP 31
Cody Anderson SP 29
Josh Thole C 33
Pat Venditte RP 35
Ryon Healy 1B 28
Elias Diaz C 29
Matt Grace RP 31
Jose Pirela 2B 30
Dan Straily SP 31
Jesse Biddle RP 28
Edubray Ramos RP 27
Kevan Smith C 32
Trevor Hildenberger RP 29
Joey Rickard LF 29
Jacob Barnes RP 30
John Hicks C 30
Daniel Stumpf RP 29
Tyler Olson RP 30
J.T. Riddle SS 28
Aaron Brooks SP 30
D.J. Johnson RP 30
Jacob Nix SP 24
Ryan Burr RP 26
Rajai Davis CF 39
Carlos Gomez RF 34
Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.
Kohl Stewart RP 25
Tim Peterson RP 29
Felipe Paulino SP 36
Hector Santiago RP 32
Eric Sogard 2B 34
Mike Morin RP 29
Homer Bailey SP 34
Blake Parker RP 35
Brian Schlitter RP 34
Brooks Pounders RP 29
Danny Hultzen RP 30
Caleb Frare RP 26
Thyago Vieira RP 27
Ryan Feierabend SP 34
Derek Law RP 29
Jim Adduci CF 35
Jason Adam RP 28
Rob Brantly C 30
Wilkin Castillo C 36
Rico Garcia P 26
Isaac Galloway RF 30
Humberto Arteaga SS 26
Oscar Hernandez C 26
Erick Mejia 2B 25
Deven Marrero SS 29
Ian Gibaut RP 26
Peter O'Brien RF 29
Jace Peterson 3B 30
Yadiel Rivera 2B 28
David Hale RP 32
Tom Milone SP 33
Josh Smith RP 32
Drew Gagnon RP 30
Fernando Salas RP 35
Joe Hudson C 29
Francisco Cervelli C 34
Austin Adams P 33
Joe Panik 2B 29
Ross Detwiler RP 34
Aaron Slegers SP 27
Zac Rosscup RP 32
Chris Owings 2B 28
Robby Scott RP 30
Juan Minaya RP 29
Brad Miller 2B 30
Charlie Tilson CF 27
Mike Gerber OF 27
Kris Negron RF 34
Edwin Jackson SP 36
Tyler Lyons RP 32
Buddy hers RP 32
Jonathan Lucroy C 34
Tim Federowicz C 33
Sean Gilmartin RP 30
Cameron Maybin RF 33
Rookie Davis SP 27
Donnie Hart RP 29
Sean Rodriguez 2B 35
Ricardo Pinto RP 26
Gabriel Ynoa SP 27
Yonder Alonso 1B 33
David Carpenter RP 34
Tayler Scott SP 28
Ryan Eades P 28
Matt Kemp LF 35
Pablo Sandoval 3B 33
Bobby Wilson C 37
Rene Rivera C 36
Nick Vincent RP 33
Juan Centeno C 30
Ryan LaMarre LF 31
Gregor Blanco RF 36
Chris Stewart C 38
Marcos Mateo RP 36
Erik Kratz C 40
Tim Collins RP 30
Jeff Bianchi 2B 33
Rubby De La Rosa SP 31
Josh Edgin RP 33
Jemile Weeks 2B 33
Travis Snider RF 32
Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36
Mike Zagurski RP 37
Shane Robinson CF 35
Cliff Pennington SS 36
Alex Wilson RP 33
Danny Espinosa SS 33
Ricky Nolasco SP 37
Logan Kensing RP 37
Dylan Axelrod RP 34
Johnny Giavotella 2B 32
Duane Below RP 34
J.C. can C 40
Chris Withrow RP 31
Nick Franklin LF 29
Rafael Lopez C 32
George Kontos RP 35
Seth Maness RP 31
Alcides Escobar SS 33
Grant Green LF 32
Neftali Feliz RP 32
J.J. Hoover RP 32
Wilin Rosario 1B 31
Chris Hatcher RP 35
Dan Runzler RP 35
Collin Balester RP 34
Brandon Beachy SP 33
Brandon Hicks 2B 34
Henderson Alvarez SP 30
Juan Jaime RP 32
Alex Torres RP 32
Robbie Ross RP 31
Drew Hutchison SP 29
Zach McAllister RP 32
Cole Gillespie LF 36
Stolmy Pimentel RP 30
Michael Martinez 2B 37
Dioner Navarro C 36
Logan Ondrusek RP 35
Stephen Pryor RP 30
Fernando Rodriguez RP 36
Ezequiel Carrera LF 33
Wilkin Ramirez LF 34
Emilio Bonifacio CF 35
Mark Rogers RP 34
B.J. Rosenberg RP 34
Justin Sellers SS 34
Moises Sierra RF 31
Scott Van Slyke LF 33
Josh Zeid RP 33
Zach Putnam RP 32
Shelby Miller SP 29
David Lough RF 34
Brad Boxberger RP 32
Hector Sanchez C 30

They can't.

Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes
Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out
Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball
Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it
Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot
Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear
Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast
Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat
Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here
Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019
Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40
Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39
Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas
Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz
Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated
Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much
Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states
Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors
Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here
Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him
Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly
Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs
Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska
Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh
Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits
Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have
Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes
Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes
Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish
Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible
Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"
Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here
C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here
Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent
Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him
Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much
Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York
Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible
Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left
Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long
Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?
Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta
Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible
Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?
Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?
Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.
Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over
Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over
C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over
Eric Thames RF 33 -
Steve Cishek RP 34 -
Steven Pearce 1B 37
Jedd Gyorko 3B 31
Pedro Strop RP 35
Kevin Pillar CF 31
Collin McHugh RP 33
Tyson Ross SP 33
Robinson Chirinos C 36
Arodys Vizcaino RP 29
Juan Lagares CF 31
Travis Shaw 3B 30
Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28
Danny Salazar SP 30
Justin Smoak 1B 33
Hector Rondon RP 32
Wilmer Flores 2B 28
Will Harris RP 35
Steven Souza RF 31
Jon Jay RF 35
Matt Adams 1B 31
Jarrod Dyson CF 35
Jimmy Nelson RP 31
Brock Holt 2B 32
Brian Duensing RP 37
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34
Addison Russell SS 26
Chad Bettis SP 31
Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36
Clay Buchholz SP 35
Wade LeBlanc RP 35
Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31
Shawn Kelley RP 36
Matt Duffy 3B 29
Nate Jones RP 34
Tony Cingrani RP 30
Hernan Perez 2B 29
David Phelps RP 33
Matt Albers RP 37
Justin Bour 1B 32
Matt Moore SP 31
Jose Iglesias SS 30
Martin Maldonado C 33
Jonny Venters RP 35
Craig Stammen RP 36
Jared Hughes RP 34
Edinson Volquez RP 36
Logan Forsythe 2B 33
Derek Dietrich 2B 30
Brian McCann C 36
Hunter Pence RF 37
Neil Walker 2B 34
Gio Gonzalez SP 34
Domingo Santana RF 27
Devon Travis 2B 29
J.C. Ramirez SP 31
Kazuhisa Makita RP
Francisco Liriano RP 36
Devin Mesoraco C 32
Tim Beckham 3B 30
Curtis Granderson LF 39
Kyle Barraclough RP 30
Chris Rusin RP 33
Luis Garcia RP 33
John Axford RP 37
Luis Avilan RP 30
Brandon Guyer LF 34
Ryan Tepera RP 32
Daniel Hudson RP 33
Matt Wieters C 34
Tyler Clippard RP 35
Brandon Maurer RP 29
Jerry Blevins RP 36
Robbie Erlin RP 29
Cory Gearrin RP 34
Ryan Buchter RP 33
Aaron Loup RP 32
Steven Wright RP 35
Jeremy Hellickson RP 33
Dominic Leone RP 28
Dan Otero RP 35
Bryan Hoay C 32
Cory Spangenberg 2B 29
Greg Bird 1B 27
Melky Cabrera LF 35
Kevin Plawecki C 29
Caleb Joseph C 34
Josh Phegley C 32
Nicholas Tropeano SP 29
Jose Lobaton C 35
Gorkys Hernandez LF 32
Adam Rosales 2B 37
Ervin Santana SP 37
Logan Morrison DH 32
Erasmo Ramirez SP 30
Matt Joyce LF 35
Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31
Josh Tomlin RP 35
Ryan Goins 2B 32
Jerad Eickhoff SP 29
Bryan Mitchell RP 29
John Ryan Murphy C 29
Xavier Cedeno RP 33
Tyler Saino SS 30
Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27
Jesus Sucre C 32
Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30
Andres Blanco 3B 36
Tom Koehler RP 34
Josh Fields RP 34
Javy Guerra RP 34
Fernando Abad RP 34
Ronald Torreyes 2B 27
Guillermo Heredia CF 29
Tony Barnette RP 36
Gordon Beckham 2B 33
J.B. Shuck LF 33
Allen Webster SP 30
Michael Blazek RP 31
Cody Anderson SP 29
Josh Thole C 33
Pat Venditte RP 35
Ryon Healy 1B 28
Elias Diaz C 29
Matt Grace RP 31
Jose Pirela 2B 30
Dan Straily SP 31
Jesse Biddle RP 28
Edubray Ramos RP 27
Kevan Smith C 32
Trevor Hildenberger RP 29
Joey Rickard LF 29
Jacob Barnes RP 30
John Hicks C 30
Daniel Stumpf RP 29
Tyler Olson RP 30
J.T. Riddle SS 28
Aaron Brooks SP 30
D.J. Johnson RP 30
Jacob Nix SP 24
Ryan Burr RP 26
Rajai Davis CF 39
Carlos Gomez RF 34
Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.
Kohl Stewart RP 25
Tim Peterson RP 29
Felipe Paulino SP 36
Hector Santiago RP 32
Eric Sogard 2B 34
Mike Morin RP 29
Homer Bailey SP 34
Blake Parker RP 35
Brian Schlitter RP 34
Brooks Pounders RP 29
Danny Hultzen RP 30
Caleb Frare RP 26
Thyago Vieira RP 27
Ryan Feierabend SP 34
Derek Law RP 29
Jim Adduci CF 35
Jason Adam RP 28
Rob Brantly C 30
Wilkin Castillo C 36
Rico Garcia P 26
Isaac Galloway RF 30
Humberto Arteaga SS 26
Oscar Hernandez C 26
Erick Mejia 2B 25
Deven Marrero SS 29
Ian Gibaut RP 26
Peter O'Brien RF 29
Jace Peterson 3B 30
Yadiel Rivera 2B 28
David Hale RP 32
Tom Milone SP 33
Josh Smith RP 32
Drew Gagnon RP 30
Fernando Salas RP 35
Joe Hudson C 29
Francisco Cervelli C 34
Austin Adams P 33
Joe Panik 2B 29
Ross Detwiler RP 34
Aaron Slegers SP 27
Zac Rosscup RP 32
Chris Owings 2B 28
Robby Scott RP 30
Juan Minaya RP 29
Brad Miller 2B 30
Charlie Tilson CF 27
Mike Gerber OF 27
Kris Negron RF 34
Edwin Jackson SP 36
Tyler Lyons RP 32
Buddy hers RP 32
Jonathan Lucroy C 34
Tim Federowicz C 33
Sean Gilmartin RP 30
Cameron Maybin RF 33
Rookie Davis SP 27
Donnie Hart RP 29
Sean Rodriguez 2B 35
Ricardo Pinto RP 26
Gabriel Ynoa SP 27
Yonder Alonso 1B 33
David Carpenter RP 34
Tayler Scott SP 28
Ryan Eades P 28
Matt Kemp LF 35
Pablo Sandoval 3B 33
Bobby Wilson C 37
Rene Rivera C 36
Nick Vincent RP 33
Juan Centeno C 30
Ryan LaMarre LF 31
Gregor Blanco RF 36
Chris Stewart C 38
Marcos Mateo RP 36
Erik Kratz C 40
Tim Collins RP 30
Jeff Bianchi 2B 33
Rubby De La Rosa SP 31
Josh Edgin RP 33
Jemile Weeks 2B 33
Travis Snider RF 32
Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36
Mike Zagurski RP 37
Shane Robinson CF 35
Cliff Pennington SS 36
Alex Wilson RP 33
Danny Espinosa SS 33
Ricky Nolasco SP 37
Logan Kensing RP 37
Dylan Axelrod RP 34
Johnny Giavotella 2B 32
Duane Below RP 34
J.C. can C 40
Chris Withrow RP 31
Nick Franklin LF 29
Rafael Lopez C 32
George Kontos RP 35
Seth Maness RP 31
Alcides Escobar SS 33
Grant Green LF 32
Neftali Feliz RP 32
J.J. Hoover RP 32
Wilin Rosario 1B 31
Chris Hatcher RP 35
Dan Runzler RP 35
Collin Balester RP 34
Brandon Beachy SP 33
Brandon Hicks 2B 34
Henderson Alvarez SP 30
Juan Jaime RP 32
Alex Torres RP 32
Robbie Ross RP 31
Drew Hutchison SP 29
Zach McAllister RP 32
Cole Gillespie LF 36
Stolmy Pimentel RP 30
Michael Martinez 2B 37
Dioner Navarro C 36
Logan Ondrusek RP 35
Stephen Pryor RP 30
Fernando Rodriguez RP 36
Ezequiel Carrera LF 33
Wilkin Ramirez LF 34
Emilio Bonifacio CF 35
Mark Rogers RP 34
B.J. Rosenberg RP 34
Justin Sellers SS 34
Moises Sierra RF 31
Scott Van Slyke LF 33
Josh Zeid RP 33
Zach Putnam RP 32
Shelby Miller SP 29
David Lough RF 34
Brad Boxberger RP 32
Hector Sanchez C 30

Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes
Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out
Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball
Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it
Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot
Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear
Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast
Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat
Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here
Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019
Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40
Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39
Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas
Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz
Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated
Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much
Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states
Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors
Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here
Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him
Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly
Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs
Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska
Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh
Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits
Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have
Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes
Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes
Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish
Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible
Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"
Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here
C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here
Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent
Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him
Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much
Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York
Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible
Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left
Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long
Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?
Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta
Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible
Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?
Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?
Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.
Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over
Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over
C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over
Eric Thames RF 33 -
Steve Cishek RP 34 -
Steven Pearce 1B 37
Jedd Gyorko 3B 31
Pedro Strop RP 35
Kevin Pillar CF 31
Collin McHugh RP 33
Tyson Ross SP 33
Robinson Chirinos C 36
Arodys Vizcaino RP 29
Juan Lagares CF 31
Travis Shaw 3B 30
Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28
Danny Salazar SP 30
Justin Smoak 1B 33
Hector Rondon RP 32
Wilmer Flores 2B 28
Will Harris RP 35
Steven Souza RF 31
Jon Jay RF 35
Matt Adams 1B 31
Jarrod Dyson CF 35
Jimmy Nelson RP 31
Brock Holt 2B 32
Brian Duensing RP 37
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34
Addison Russell SS 26
Chad Bettis SP 31
Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36
Clay Buchholz SP 35
Wade LeBlanc RP 35
Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31
Shawn Kelley RP 36
Matt Duffy 3B 29
Nate Jones RP 34
Tony Cingrani RP 30
Hernan Perez 2B 29
David Phelps RP 33
Matt Albers RP 37
Justin Bour 1B 32
Matt Moore SP 31
Jose Iglesias SS 30
Martin Maldonado C 33
Jonny Venters RP 35
Craig Stammen RP 36
Jared Hughes RP 34
Edinson Volquez RP 36
Logan Forsythe 2B 33
Derek Dietrich 2B 30
Brian McCann C 36
Hunter Pence RF 37
Neil Walker 2B 34
Gio Gonzalez SP 34
Domingo Santana RF 27
Devon Travis 2B 29
J.C. Ramirez SP 31
Kazuhisa Makita RP
Francisco Liriano RP 36
Devin Mesoraco C 32
Tim Beckham 3B 30
Curtis Granderson LF 39
Kyle Barraclough RP 30
Chris Rusin RP 33
Luis Garcia RP 33
John Axford RP 37
Luis Avilan RP 30
Brandon Guyer LF 34
Ryan Tepera RP 32
Daniel Hudson RP 33
Matt Wieters C 34
Tyler Clippard RP 35
Brandon Maurer RP 29
Jerry Blevins RP 36
Robbie Erlin RP 29
Cory Gearrin RP 34
Ryan Buchter RP 33
Aaron Loup RP 32
Steven Wright RP 35
Jeremy Hellickson RP 33
Dominic Leone RP 28
Dan Otero RP 35
Bryan Hoay C 32
Cory Spangenberg 2B 29
Greg Bird 1B 27
Melky Cabrera LF 35
Kevin Plawecki C 29
Caleb Joseph C 34
Josh Phegley C 32
Nicholas Tropeano SP 29
Jose Lobaton C 35
Gorkys Hernandez LF 32
Adam Rosales 2B 37
Ervin Santana SP 37
Logan Morrison DH 32
Erasmo Ramirez SP 30
Matt Joyce LF 35
Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31
Josh Tomlin RP 35
Ryan Goins 2B 32
Jerad Eickhoff SP 29
Bryan Mitchell RP 29
John Ryan Murphy C 29
Xavier Cedeno RP 33
Tyler Saino SS 30
Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27
Jesus Sucre C 32
Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30
Andres Blanco 3B 36
Tom Koehler RP 34
Josh Fields RP 34
Javy Guerra RP 34
Fernando Abad RP 34
Ronald Torreyes 2B 27
Guillermo Heredia CF 29
Tony Barnette RP 36
Gordon Beckham 2B 33
J.B. Shuck LF 33
Allen Webster SP 30
Michael Blazek RP 31
Cody Anderson SP 29
Josh Thole C 33
Pat Venditte RP 35
Ryon Healy 1B 28
Elias Diaz C 29
Matt Grace RP 31
Jose Pirela 2B 30
Dan Straily SP 31
Jesse Biddle RP 28
Edubray Ramos RP 27
Kevan Smith C 32
Trevor Hildenberger RP 29
Joey Rickard LF 29
Jacob Barnes RP 30
John Hicks C 30
Daniel Stumpf RP 29
Tyler Olson RP 30
J.T. Riddle SS 28
Aaron Brooks SP 30
D.J. Johnson RP 30
Jacob Nix SP 24
Ryan Burr RP 26
Rajai Davis CF 39
Carlos Gomez RF 34
Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.
Kohl Stewart RP 25
Tim Peterson RP 29
Felipe Paulino SP 36
Hector Santiago RP 32
Eric Sogard 2B 34
Mike Morin RP 29
Homer Bailey SP 34
Blake Parker RP 35
Brian Schlitter RP 34
Brooks Pounders RP 29
Danny Hultzen RP 30
Caleb Frare RP 26
Thyago Vieira RP 27
Ryan Feierabend SP 34
Derek Law RP 29
Jim Adduci CF 35
Jason Adam RP 28
Rob Brantly C 30
Wilkin Castillo C 36
Rico Garcia P 26
Isaac Galloway RF 30
Humberto Arteaga SS 26
Oscar Hernandez C 26
Erick Mejia 2B 25
Deven Marrero SS 29
Ian Gibaut RP 26
Peter O'Brien RF 29
Jace Peterson 3B 30
Yadiel Rivera 2B 28
David Hale RP 32
Tom Milone SP 33
Josh Smith RP 32
Drew Gagnon RP 30
Fernando Salas RP 35
Joe Hudson C 29
Francisco Cervelli C 34
Austin Adams P 33
Joe Panik 2B 29
Ross Detwiler RP 34
Aaron Slegers SP 27
Zac Rosscup RP 32
Chris Owings 2B 28
Robby Scott RP 30
Juan Minaya RP 29
Brad Miller 2B 30
Charlie Tilson CF 27
Mike Gerber OF 27
Kris Negron RF 34
Edwin Jackson SP 36
Tyler Lyons RP 32
Buddy hers RP 32
Jonathan Lucroy C 34
Tim Federowicz C 33
Sean Gilmartin RP 30
Cameron Maybin RF 33
Rookie Davis SP 27
Donnie Hart RP 29
Sean Rodriguez 2B 35
Ricardo Pinto RP 26
Gabriel Ynoa SP 27
Yonder Alonso 1B 33
David Carpenter RP 34
Tayler Scott SP 28
Ryan Eades P 28
Matt Kemp LF 35
Pablo Sandoval 3B 33
Bobby Wilson C 37
Rene Rivera C 36
Nick Vincent RP 33
Juan Centeno C 30
Ryan LaMarre LF 31
Gregor Blanco RF 36
Chris Stewart C 38
Marcos Mateo RP 36
Erik Kratz C 40
Tim Collins RP 30
Jeff Bianchi 2B 33
Rubby De La Rosa SP 31
Josh Edgin RP 33
Jemile Weeks 2B 33
Travis Snider RF 32
Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36
Mike Zagurski RP 37
Shane Robinson CF 35
Cliff Pennington SS 36
Alex Wilson RP 33
Danny Espinosa SS 33
Ricky Nolasco SP 37
Logan Kensing RP 37
Dylan Axelrod RP 34
Johnny Giavotella 2B 32
Duane Below RP 34
J.C. can C 40
Chris Withrow RP 31
Nick Franklin LF 29
Rafael Lopez C 32
George Kontos RP 35
Seth Maness RP 31
Alcides Escobar SS 33
Grant Green LF 32
Neftali Feliz RP 32
J.J. Hoover RP 32
Wilin Rosario 1B 31
Chris Hatcher RP 35
Dan Runzler RP 35
Collin Balester RP 34
Brandon Beachy SP 33
Brandon Hicks 2B 34
Henderson Alvarez SP 30
Juan Jaime RP 32
Alex Torres RP 32
Robbie Ross RP 31
Drew Hutchison SP 29
Zach McAllister RP 32
Cole Gillespie LF 36
Stolmy Pimentel RP 30
Michael Martinez 2B 37
Dioner Navarro C 36
Logan Ondrusek RP 35
Stephen Pryor RP 30
Fernando Rodriguez RP 36
Ezequiel Carrera LF 33
Wilkin Ramirez LF 34
Emilio Bonifacio CF 35
Mark Rogers RP 34
B.J. Rosenberg RP 34
Justin Sellers SS 34
Moises Sierra RF 31
Scott Van Slyke LF 33
Josh Zeid RP 33
Zach Putnam RP 32
Shelby Miller SP 29
David Lough RF 34
Brad Boxberger RP 32
Hector Sanchez C 30

Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes
Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out
Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball
Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it
Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot
Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear
Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast
Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat
Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here
Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019
Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40
Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39
Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas
Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz
Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated
Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much
Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states
Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors
Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here
Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him
Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly
Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs
Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska
Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh
Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits
Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have
Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes
Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes
Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish
Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible
Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"
Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here
C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here
Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent
Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him
Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much
Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York
Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible
Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left
Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long
Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?
Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta
Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible
Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?
Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?
Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.
Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over
Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over
C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over
Eric Thames RF 33 -
Steve Cishek RP 34 -
Steven Pearce 1B 37
Jedd Gyorko 3B 31
Pedro Strop RP 35
Kevin Pillar CF 31
Collin McHugh RP 33
Tyson Ross SP 33
Robinson Chirinos C 36
Arodys Vizcaino RP 29
Juan Lagares CF 31
Travis Shaw 3B 30
Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28
Danny Salazar SP 30
Justin Smoak 1B 33
Hector Rondon RP 32
Wilmer Flores 2B 28
Will Harris RP 35
Steven Souza RF 31
Jon Jay RF 35
Matt Adams 1B 31
Jarrod Dyson CF 35
Jimmy Nelson RP 31
Brock Holt 2B 32
Brian Duensing RP 37
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34
Addison Russell SS 26
Chad Bettis SP 31
Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36
Clay Buchholz SP 35
Wade LeBlanc RP 35
Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31
Shawn Kelley RP 36
Matt Duffy 3B 29
Nate Jones RP 34
Tony Cingrani RP 30
Hernan Perez 2B 29
David Phelps RP 33
Matt Albers RP 37
Justin Bour 1B 32
Matt Moore SP 31
Jose Iglesias SS 30
Martin Maldonado C 33
Jonny Venters RP 35
Craig Stammen RP 36
Jared Hughes RP 34
Edinson Volquez RP 36
Logan Forsythe 2B 33
Derek Dietrich 2B 30
Brian McCann C 36
Hunter Pence RF 37
Neil Walker 2B 34
Gio Gonzalez SP 34
Domingo Santana RF 27
Devon Travis 2B 29
J.C. Ramirez SP 31
Kazuhisa Makita RP
Francisco Liriano RP 36
Devin Mesoraco C 32
Tim Beckham 3B 30
Curtis Granderson LF 39
Kyle Barraclough RP 30
Chris Rusin RP 33
Luis Garcia RP 33
John Axford RP 37
Luis Avilan RP 30
Brandon Guyer LF 34
Ryan Tepera RP 32
Daniel Hudson RP 33
Matt Wieters C 34
Tyler Clippard RP 35
Brandon Maurer RP 29
Jerry Blevins RP 36
Robbie Erlin RP 29
Cory Gearrin RP 34
Ryan Buchter RP 33
Aaron Loup RP 32
Steven Wright RP 35
Jeremy Hellickson RP 33
Dominic Leone RP 28
Dan Otero RP 35
Bryan Hoay C 32
Cory Spangenberg 2B 29
Greg Bird 1B 27
Melky Cabrera LF 35
Kevin Plawecki C 29
Caleb Joseph C 34
Josh Phegley C 32
Nicholas Tropeano SP 29
Jose Lobaton C 35
Gorkys Hernandez LF 32
Adam Rosales 2B 37
Ervin Santana SP 37
Logan Morrison DH 32
Erasmo Ramirez SP 30
Matt Joyce LF 35
Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31
Josh Tomlin RP 35
Ryan Goins 2B 32
Jerad Eickhoff SP 29
Bryan Mitchell RP 29
John Ryan Murphy C 29
Xavier Cedeno RP 33
Tyler Saino SS 30
Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27
Jesus Sucre C 32
Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30
Andres Blanco 3B 36
Tom Koehler RP 34
Josh Fields RP 34
Javy Guerra RP 34
Fernando Abad RP 34
Ronald Torreyes 2B 27
Guillermo Heredia CF 29
Tony Barnette RP 36
Gordon Beckham 2B 33
J.B. Shuck LF 33
Allen Webster SP 30
Michael Blazek RP 31
Cody Anderson SP 29
Josh Thole C 33
Pat Venditte RP 35
Ryon Healy 1B 28
Elias Diaz C 29
Matt Grace RP 31
Jose Pirela 2B 30
Dan Straily SP 31
Jesse Biddle RP 28
Edubray Ramos RP 27
Kevan Smith C 32
Trevor Hildenberger RP 29
Joey Rickard LF 29
Jacob Barnes RP 30
John Hicks C 30
Daniel Stumpf RP 29
Tyler Olson RP 30
J.T. Riddle SS 28
Aaron Brooks SP 30
D.J. Johnson RP 30
Jacob Nix SP 24
Ryan Burr RP 26
Rajai Davis CF 39
Carlos Gomez RF 34
Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.
Kohl Stewart RP 25
Tim Peterson RP 29
Felipe Paulino SP 36
Hector Santiago RP 32
Eric Sogard 2B 34
Mike Morin RP 29
Homer Bailey SP 34
Blake Parker RP 35
Brian Schlitter RP 34
Brooks Pounders RP 29
Danny Hultzen RP 30
Caleb Frare RP 26
Thyago Vieira RP 27
Ryan Feierabend SP 34
Derek Law RP 29
Jim Adduci CF 35
Jason Adam RP 28
Rob Brantly C 30
Wilkin Castillo C 36
Rico Garcia P 26
Isaac Galloway RF 30
Humberto Arteaga SS 26
Oscar Hernandez C 26
Erick Mejia 2B 25
Deven Marrero SS 29
Ian Gibaut RP 26
Peter O'Brien RF 29
Jace Peterson 3B 30
Yadiel Rivera 2B 28
David Hale RP 32
Tom Milone SP 33
Josh Smith RP 32
Drew Gagnon RP 30
Fernando Salas RP 35
Joe Hudson C 29
Francisco Cervelli C 34
Austin Adams P 33
Joe Panik 2B 29
Ross Detwiler RP 34
Aaron Slegers SP 27
Zac Rosscup RP 32
Chris Owings 2B 28
Robby Scott RP 30
Juan Minaya RP 29
Brad Miller 2B 30
Charlie Tilson CF 27
Mike Gerber OF 27
Kris Negron RF 34
Edwin Jackson SP 36
Tyler Lyons RP 32
Buddy hers RP 32
Jonathan Lucroy C 34
Tim Federowicz C 33
Sean Gilmartin RP 30
Cameron Maybin RF 33
Rookie Davis SP 27
Donnie Hart RP 29
Sean Rodriguez 2B 35
Ricardo Pinto RP 26
Gabriel Ynoa SP 27
Yonder Alonso 1B 33
David Carpenter RP 34
Tayler Scott SP 28
Ryan Eades P 28
Matt Kemp LF 35
Pablo Sandoval 3B 33
Bobby Wilson C 37
Rene Rivera C 36
Nick Vincent RP 33
Juan Centeno C 30
Ryan LaMarre LF 31
Gregor Blanco RF 36
Chris Stewart C 38
Marcos Mateo RP 36
Erik Kratz C 40
Tim Collins RP 30
Jeff Bianchi 2B 33
Rubby De La Rosa SP 31
Josh Edgin RP 33
Jemile Weeks 2B 33
Travis Snider RF 32
Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36
Mike Zagurski RP 37
Shane Robinson CF 35
Cliff Pennington SS 36
Alex Wilson RP 33
Danny Espinosa SS 33
Ricky Nolasco SP 37
Logan Kensing RP 37
Dylan Axelrod RP 34
Johnny Giavotella 2B 32
Duane Below RP 34
J.C. can C 40
Chris Withrow RP 31
Nick Franklin LF 29
Rafael Lopez C 32
George Kontos RP 35
Seth Maness RP 31
Alcides Escobar SS 33
Grant Green LF 32
Neftali Feliz RP 32
J.J. Hoover RP 32
Wilin Rosario 1B 31
Chris Hatcher RP 35
Dan Runzler RP 35
Collin Balester RP 34
Brandon Beachy SP 33
Brandon Hicks 2B 34
Henderson Alvarez SP 30
Juan Jaime RP 32
Alex Torres RP 32
Robbie Ross RP 31
Drew Hutchison SP 29
Zach McAllister RP 32
Cole Gillespie LF 36
Stolmy Pimentel RP 30
Michael Martinez 2B 37
Dioner Navarro C 36
Logan Ondrusek RP 35
Stephen Pryor RP 30
Fernando Rodriguez RP 36
Ezequiel Carrera LF 33
Wilkin Ramirez LF 34
Emilio Bonifacio CF 35
Mark Rogers RP 34
B.J. Rosenberg RP 34
Justin Sellers SS 34
Moises Sierra RF 31
Scott Van Slyke LF 33
Josh Zeid RP 33
Zach Putnam RP 32
Shelby Miller SP 29
David Lough RF 34
Brad Boxberger RP 32
Hector Sanchez C 30

Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes
Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out
Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball
Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it
Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot
Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear
Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast
Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat
Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here
Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019
Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40
Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39
Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas
Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz
Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated
Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much
Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states
Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors
Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here
Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him
Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly
Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs
Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska
Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh
Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits
Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have
Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes
Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes
Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish
Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible
Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"
Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here
C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here
Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent
Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him
Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much
Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York
Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible
Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left
Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long
Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?
Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta
Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible
Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?
Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?
Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.
Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over
Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over
C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over
Eric Thames RF 33 -
Steve Cishek RP 34 -
Steven Pearce 1B 37
Jedd Gyorko 3B 31
Pedro Strop RP 35
Kevin Pillar CF 31
Collin McHugh RP 33
Tyson Ross SP 33
Robinson Chirinos C 36
Arodys Vizcaino RP 29
Juan Lagares CF 31
Travis Shaw 3B 30
Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28
Danny Salazar SP 30
Justin Smoak 1B 33
Hector Rondon RP 32
Wilmer Flores 2B 28
Will Harris RP 35
Steven Souza RF 31
Jon Jay RF 35
Matt Adams 1B 31
Jarrod Dyson CF 35
Jimmy Nelson RP 31
Brock Holt 2B 32
Brian Duensing RP 37
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34
Addison Russell SS 26
Chad Bettis SP 31
Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36
Clay Buchholz SP 35
Wade LeBlanc RP 35
Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31
Shawn Kelley RP 36
Matt Duffy 3B 29
Nate Jones RP 34
Tony Cingrani RP 30
Hernan Perez 2B 29
David Phelps RP 33
Matt Albers RP 37
Justin Bour 1B 32
Matt Moore SP 31
Jose Iglesias SS 30
Martin Maldonado C 33
Jonny Venters RP 35
Craig Stammen RP 36
Jared Hughes RP 34
Edinson Volquez RP 36
Logan Forsythe 2B 33
Derek Dietrich 2B 30
Brian McCann C 36
Hunter Pence RF 37
Neil Walker 2B 34
Gio Gonzalez SP 34
Domingo Santana RF 27
Devon Travis 2B 29
J.C. Ramirez SP 31
Kazuhisa Makita RP
Francisco Liriano RP 36
Devin Mesoraco C 32
Tim Beckham 3B 30
Curtis Granderson LF 39
Kyle Barraclough RP 30
Chris Rusin RP 33
Luis Garcia RP 33
John Axford RP 37
Luis Avilan RP 30
Brandon Guyer LF 34
Ryan Tepera RP 32
Daniel Hudson RP 33
Matt Wieters C 34
Tyler Clippard RP 35
Brandon Maurer RP 29
Jerry Blevins RP 36
Robbie Erlin RP 29
Cory Gearrin RP 34
Ryan Buchter RP 33
Aaron Loup RP 32
Steven Wright RP 35
Jeremy Hellickson RP 33
Dominic Leone RP 28
Dan Otero RP 35
Bryan Hoay C 32
Cory Spangenberg 2B 29
Greg Bird 1B 27
Melky Cabrera LF 35
Kevin Plawecki C 29
Caleb Joseph C 34
Josh Phegley C 32
Nicholas Tropeano SP 29
Jose Lobaton C 35
Gorkys Hernandez LF 32
Adam Rosales 2B 37
Ervin Santana SP 37
Logan Morrison DH 32
Erasmo Ramirez SP 30
Matt Joyce LF 35
Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31
Josh Tomlin RP 35
Ryan Goins 2B 32
Jerad Eickhoff SP 29
Bryan Mitchell RP 29
John Ryan Murphy C 29
Xavier Cedeno RP 33
Tyler Saino SS 30
Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27
Jesus Sucre C 32
Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30
Andres Blanco 3B 36
Tom Koehler RP 34
Josh Fields RP 34
Javy Guerra RP 34
Fernando Abad RP 34
Ronald Torreyes 2B 27
Guillermo Heredia CF 29
Tony Barnette RP 36
Gordon Beckham 2B 33
J.B. Shuck LF 33
Allen Webster SP 30
Michael Blazek RP 31
Cody Anderson SP 29
Josh Thole C 33
Pat Venditte RP 35
Ryon Healy 1B 28
Elias Diaz C 29
Matt Grace RP 31
Jose Pirela 2B 30
Dan Straily SP 31
Jesse Biddle RP 28
Edubray Ramos RP 27
Kevan Smith C 32
Trevor Hildenberger RP 29
Joey Rickard LF 29
Jacob Barnes RP 30
John Hicks C 30
Daniel Stumpf RP 29
Tyler Olson RP 30
J.T. Riddle SS 28
Aaron Brooks SP 30
D.J. Johnson RP 30
Jacob Nix SP 24
Ryan Burr RP 26
Rajai Davis CF 39
Carlos Gomez RF 34
Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.
Kohl Stewart RP 25
Tim Peterson RP 29
Felipe Paulino SP 36
Hector Santiago RP 32
Eric Sogard 2B 34
Mike Morin RP 29
Homer Bailey SP 34
Blake Parker RP 35
Brian Schlitter RP 34
Brooks Pounders RP 29
Danny Hultzen RP 30
Caleb Frare RP 26
Thyago Vieira RP 27
Ryan Feierabend SP 34
Derek Law RP 29
Jim Adduci CF 35
Jason Adam RP 28
Rob Brantly C 30
Wilkin Castillo C 36
Rico Garcia P 26
Isaac Galloway RF 30
Humberto Arteaga SS 26
Oscar Hernandez C 26
Erick Mejia 2B 25
Deven Marrero SS 29
Ian Gibaut RP 26
Peter O'Brien RF 29
Jace Peterson 3B 30
Yadiel Rivera 2B 28
David Hale RP 32
Tom Milone SP 33
Josh Smith RP 32
Drew Gagnon RP 30
Fernando Salas RP 35
Joe Hudson C 29
Francisco Cervelli C 34
Austin Adams P 33
Joe Panik 2B 29
Ross Detwiler RP 34
Aaron Slegers SP 27
Zac Rosscup RP 32
Chris Owings 2B 28
Robby Scott RP 30
Juan Minaya RP 29
Brad Miller 2B 30
Charlie Tilson CF 27
Mike Gerber OF 27
Kris Negron RF 34
Edwin Jackson SP 36
Tyler Lyons RP 32
Buddy hers RP 32
Jonathan Lucroy C 34
Tim Federowicz C 33
Sean Gilmartin RP 30
Cameron Maybin RF 33
Rookie Davis SP 27
Donnie Hart RP 29
Sean Rodriguez 2B 35
Ricardo Pinto RP 26
Gabriel Ynoa SP 27
Yonder Alonso 1B 33
David Carpenter RP 34
Tayler Scott SP 28
Ryan Eades P 28
Matt Kemp LF 35
Pablo Sandoval 3B 33
Bobby Wilson C 37
Rene Rivera C 36
Nick Vincent RP 33
Juan Centeno C 30
Ryan LaMarre LF 31
Gregor Blanco RF 36
Chris Stewart C 38
Marcos Mateo RP 36
Erik Kratz C 40
Tim Collins RP 30
Jeff Bianchi 2B 33
Rubby De La Rosa SP 31
Josh Edgin RP 33
Jemile Weeks 2B 33
Travis Snider RF 32
Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36
Mike Zagurski RP 37
Shane Robinson CF 35
Cliff Pennington SS 36
Alex Wilson RP 33
Danny Espinosa SS 33
Ricky Nolasco SP 37
Logan Kensing RP 37
Dylan Axelrod RP 34
Johnny Giavotella 2B 32
Duane Below RP 34
J.C. can C 40
Chris Withrow RP 31
Nick Franklin LF 29
Rafael Lopez C 32
George Kontos RP 35
Seth Maness RP 31
Alcides Escobar SS 33
Grant Green LF 32
Neftali Feliz RP 32
J.J. Hoover RP 32
Wilin Rosario 1B 31
Chris Hatcher RP 35
Dan Runzler RP 35
Collin Balester RP 34
Brandon Beachy SP 33
Brandon Hicks 2B 34
Henderson Alvarez SP 30
Juan Jaime RP 32
Alex Torres RP 32
Robbie Ross RP 31
Drew Hutchison SP 29
Zach McAllister RP 32
Cole Gillespie LF 36
Stolmy Pimentel RP 30
Michael Martinez 2B 37
Dioner Navarro C 36
Logan Ondrusek RP 35
Stephen Pryor RP 30
Fernando Rodriguez RP 36
Ezequiel Carrera LF 33
Wilkin Ramirez LF 34
Emilio Bonifacio CF 35
Mark Rogers RP 34
B.J. Rosenberg RP 34
Justin Sellers SS 34
Moises Sierra RF 31
Scott Van Slyke LF 33
Josh Zeid RP 33
Zach Putnam RP 32
Shelby Miller SP 29
David Lough RF 34
Brad Boxberger RP 32
Hector Sanchez C 30

Felix Hernandez RP 34 - Doesn't want to share crown with Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes
Josh Donaldson 3B 34 - Loons kinda freak him out
Jacoby Ellsbury CF 36 - No longer very good at baseball
Dallas Keuchel SP 32 - Concerned that North Stars fans still aren't over it
Edwin Encarnacion DH 37 - Weather too cold for imaginary parrot
Alex Gordon CF 36 - Retro baby blue uniforms clash just a little with all his Royal blue gear
Hyun-Jin Ryu SP 33 - Airport not close enough to the west coast
Ryan Zimmerman 1B - Feels like anyone who has been through Zimmerman, MN might not like him right off the bat
Russell Martin C 37 - Has heard a catcher is more likely to be concussed here
Wei-Yin Chen RP 35 - 6.59 ERA in 2019
Rich Hill SP 40 - He's 40
Ben Zobrist 2B 39 - He's 39
Martin Prado 3B 36 - Keeps alpacas in Texas
Mark Trumbo DH 34 - Isn't Nelson Cruz
Marcell Ozuna LF 29 - Sees how Rosario is treated
Nick Castellanos RF - Unbalanced schedule - doesn't want to have to go back to Detroit that much
Yasiel Puig RF 29 - Keeps fainting goats in 49 other states
Alex Wood SP 29 - Insufficient quantities of chiropractors
Trevor Cahill RP 32 - We've got a shot here
Brian Dozier 2B 33 - Never heard of him
Tommy Hunter RP 34 - Insists on being called Tommy, Lord of the North, and that just doesn't fly
Jason Kipnis 2B 33 - Doesn't like state fairs
Kole Calhoun RF 32 - Doesn't want to change his name to Kole Bde Maka Ska
Ivan Nova SP 33 - Longs to reunite with Pittsburgh
Starlin Castro 2B 30 - Likely to sign him and cash in when in gets to 2000 hits
Juan Nicasio RP 33 - Doesn't realize how many good restaurants we have
Todd Frazier 3B 34 - Would prefer not to be around so many lakes
Corey Dickerson LF 31 - Would prefer many more lakes
Jason Castro C 33 - Number of lakes is fine, but would like less fish
Pat Neshek RP 39 - Homecoming is possible
Andrew Cashner RP 33 - Friend of a friend has heard Minnesota "smells a little"
Jason Vargas SP 37 - Too many Jasons already here
C.C. Sabathia SP 39 - Too many C.C.s already here
Cesar Hernandez 2B 30 - Would never live up to Cesar Tovar's precedent
Jonathan Schoop 2B 28 - Never heard of him
Welington Castillo C 33 - Minnesotans would latch on to the "Beef" nickname too much
Dellin Betances RP 32 - Keeps ostriches in New York
Anthony Swarzak RP 34 - Homecoming is possible
Drew Smyly SP 31 - Look at all these free agents left
Derek Holland RP 33 - I honestly didn't think this bit would be this long
Mitch Moreland 1B 34 - Mitch Moreland? More like Mitch Lessland, huh?
Julio Teheran SP 29 - If he's not good enough for Atlanta
Fernando Rodney RP 43 - If he's still throwing, homecoming is possible
Jordy Mercer SS 33 - Is he related to Bobby Mercer?
Billy Hamilton CF 29 - Is he still fast?
Taijuan Walker SP 27 - Let's give it a try, Taijuan.
Sam Dyson RP 32 - I think this bit is over
Brandon Kintzler RP 35 - Yeah, it's over
C.J. Cron 1B 30 - Definitely over
Eric Thames RF 33 -
Steve Cishek RP 34 -
Steven Pearce 1B 37
Jedd Gyorko 3B 31
Pedro Strop RP 35
Kevin Pillar CF 31
Collin McHugh RP 33
Tyson Ross SP 33
Robinson Chirinos C 36
Arodys Vizcaino RP 29
Juan Lagares CF 31
Travis Shaw 3B 30
Yolmer Sanchez 3B 28
Danny Salazar SP 30
Justin Smoak 1B 33
Hector Rondon RP 32
Wilmer Flores 2B 28
Will Harris RP 35
Steven Souza RF 31
Jon Jay RF 35
Matt Adams 1B 31
Jarrod Dyson CF 35
Jimmy Nelson RP 31
Brock Holt 2B 32
Brian Duensing RP 37
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B 34
Addison Russell SS 26
Chad Bettis SP 31
Yoshihisa Hirano RP 36
Clay Buchholz SP 35
Wade LeBlanc RP 35
Lonnie Chisenhall RF 31
Shawn Kelley RP 36
Matt Duffy 3B 29
Nate Jones RP 34
Tony Cingrani RP 30
Hernan Perez 2B 29
David Phelps RP 33
Matt Albers RP 37
Justin Bour 1B 32
Matt Moore SP 31
Jose Iglesias SS 30
Martin Maldonado C 33
Jonny Venters RP 35
Craig Stammen RP 36
Jared Hughes RP 34
Edinson Volquez RP 36
Logan Forsythe 2B 33
Derek Dietrich 2B 30
Brian McCann C 36
Hunter Pence RF 37
Neil Walker 2B 34
Gio Gonzalez SP 34
Domingo Santana RF 27
Devon Travis 2B 29
J.C. Ramirez SP 31
Kazuhisa Makita RP
Francisco Liriano RP 36
Devin Mesoraco C 32
Tim Beckham 3B 30
Curtis Granderson LF 39
Kyle Barraclough RP 30
Chris Rusin RP 33
Luis Garcia RP 33
John Axford RP 37
Luis Avilan RP 30
Brandon Guyer LF 34
Ryan Tepera RP 32
Daniel Hudson RP 33
Matt Wieters C 34
Tyler Clippard RP 35
Brandon Maurer RP 29
Jerry Blevins RP 36
Robbie Erlin RP 29
Cory Gearrin RP 34
Ryan Buchter RP 33
Aaron Loup RP 32
Steven Wright RP 35
Jeremy Hellickson RP 33
Dominic Leone RP 28
Dan Otero RP 35
Bryan Hoay C 32
Cory Spangenberg 2B 29
Greg Bird 1B 27
Melky Cabrera LF 35
Kevin Plawecki C 29
Caleb Joseph C 34
Josh Phegley C 32
Nicholas Tropeano SP 29
Jose Lobaton C 35
Gorkys Hernandez LF 32
Adam Rosales 2B 37
Ervin Santana SP 37
Logan Morrison DH 32
Erasmo Ramirez SP 30
Matt Joyce LF 35
Adeiny Hechavarria SS 31
Josh Tomlin RP 35
Ryan Goins 2B 32
Jerad Eickhoff SP 29
Bryan Mitchell RP 29
John Ryan Murphy C 29
Xavier Cedeno RP 33
Tyler Saino SS 30
Cheslor Cuthbert 3B 27
Jesus Sucre C 32
Kelby Tomlinson 2B 30
Andres Blanco 3B 36
Tom Koehler RP 34
Josh Fields RP 34
Javy Guerra RP 34
Fernando Abad RP 34
Ronald Torreyes 2B 27
Guillermo Heredia CF 29
Tony Barnette RP 36
Gordon Beckham 2B 33
J.B. Shuck LF 33
Allen Webster SP 30
Michael Blazek RP 31
Cody Anderson SP 29
Josh Thole C 33
Pat Venditte RP 35
Ryon Healy 1B 28
Elias Diaz C 29
Matt Grace RP 31
Jose Pirela 2B 30
Dan Straily SP 31
Jesse Biddle RP 28
Edubray Ramos RP 27
Kevan Smith C 32
Trevor Hildenberger RP 29
Joey Rickard LF 29
Jacob Barnes RP 30
John Hicks C 30
Daniel Stumpf RP 29
Tyler Olson RP 30
J.T. Riddle SS 28
Aaron Brooks SP 30
D.J. Johnson RP 30
Jacob Nix SP 24
Ryan Burr RP 26
Rajai Davis CF 39
Carlos Gomez RF 34
Tyler Austin 1B 28 EDIT: I'm removing Tyler Austin from the list because dex8425 said he signed with a team in Japan, that it was a pretty good deal for Tyler Austin actually, and that dex8425 is taking any and all wagers that Tyler Austin will rake. Also, I read on mlbtraderumors or on a Doogie tweet that Tyler Austin's girlfriend preferred being near an airport in Japan, so we never had a shot anyway.
Kohl Stewart RP 25
Tim Peterson RP 29
Felipe Paulino SP 36
Hector Santiago RP 32
Eric Sogard 2B 34
Mike Morin RP 29
Homer Bailey SP 34
Blake Parker RP 35
Brian Schlitter RP 34
Brooks Pounders RP 29
Danny Hultzen RP 30
Caleb Frare RP 26
Thyago Vieira RP 27
Ryan Feierabend SP 34
Derek Law RP 29
Jim Adduci CF 35
Jason Adam RP 28
Rob Brantly C 30
Wilkin Castillo C 36
Rico Garcia P 26
Isaac Galloway RF 30
Humberto Arteaga SS 26
Oscar Hernandez C 26
Erick Mejia 2B 25
Deven Marrero SS 29
Ian Gibaut RP 26
Peter O'Brien RF 29
Jace Peterson 3B 30
Yadiel Rivera 2B 28
David Hale RP 32
Tom Milone SP 33
Josh Smith RP 32
Drew Gagnon RP 30
Fernando Salas RP 35
Joe Hudson C 29
Francisco Cervelli C 34
Austin Adams P 33
Joe Panik 2B 29
Ross Detwiler RP 34
Aaron Slegers SP 27
Zac Rosscup RP 32
Chris Owings 2B 28
Robby Scott RP 30
Juan Minaya RP 29
Brad Miller 2B 30
Charlie Tilson CF 27
Mike Gerber OF 27
Kris Negron RF 34
Edwin Jackson SP 36
Tyler Lyons RP 32
Buddy hers RP 32
Jonathan Lucroy C 34
Tim Federowicz C 33
Sean Gilmartin RP 30
Cameron Maybin RF 33
Rookie Davis SP 27
Donnie Hart RP 29
Sean Rodriguez 2B 35
Ricardo Pinto RP 26
Gabriel Ynoa SP 27
Yonder Alonso 1B 33
David Carpenter RP 34
Tayler Scott SP 28
Ryan Eades P 28
Matt Kemp LF 35
Pablo Sandoval 3B 33
Bobby Wilson C 37
Rene Rivera C 36
Nick Vincent RP 33
Juan Centeno C 30
Ryan LaMarre LF 31
Gregor Blanco RF 36
Chris Stewart C 38
Marcos Mateo RP 36
Erik Kratz C 40
Tim Collins RP 30
Jeff Bianchi 2B 33
Rubby De La Rosa SP 31
Josh Edgin RP 33
Jemile Weeks 2B 33
Travis Snider RF 32
Kila Ka'aihue 1B 36
Mike Zagurski RP 37
Shane Robinson CF 35
Cliff Pennington SS 36
Alex Wilson RP 33
Danny Espinosa SS 33
Ricky Nolasco SP 37
Logan Kensing RP 37
Dylan Axelrod RP 34
Johnny Giavotella 2B 32
Duane Below RP 34
J.C. can C 40
Chris Withrow RP 31
Nick Franklin LF 29
Rafael Lopez C 32
George Kontos RP 35
Seth Maness RP 31
Alcides Escobar SS 33
Grant Green LF 32
Neftali Feliz RP 32
J.J. Hoover RP 32
Wilin Rosario 1B 31
Chris Hatcher RP 35
Dan Runzler RP 35
Collin Balester RP 34
Brandon Beachy SP 33
Brandon Hicks 2B 34
Henderson Alvarez SP 30
Juan Jaime RP 32
Alex Torres RP 32
Robbie Ross RP 31
Drew Hutchison SP 29
Zach McAllister RP 32
Cole Gillespie LF 36
Stolmy Pimentel RP 30
Michael Martinez 2B 37
Dioner Navarro C 36
Logan Ondrusek RP 35
Stephen Pryor RP 30
Fernando Rodriguez RP 36
Ezequiel Carrera LF 33
Wilkin Ramirez LF 34
Emilio Bonifacio CF 35
Mark Rogers RP 34
B.J. Rosenberg RP 34
Justin Sellers SS 34
Moises Sierra RF 31
Scott Van Slyke LF 33
Josh Zeid RP 33
Zach Putnam RP 32
Shelby Miller SP 29
David Lough RF 34
Brad Boxberger RP 32
Hector Sanchez C 30

They can't.

They can't.

They can't.