This becomes somewhat of a catch-22 if you're unwilling to outbid other teams for a guy who thinks that way and can't lure guys who think some other way, and verges on Groucho Marx territory: "I would not want to belong to a club that would have me as a member."
Speaking of weak, looks like the Twins offense needs a rally avatar already in the 4th inning. In running through recent Onion issues, I ran across this graphic that serves well to explain the popularity of our favorite avatar.