RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of reddit r/coins Major League Baseball’s annual General Manager Meetings mark the kickoff of the hot stove season, when trade and acquisition rumors first start percolating before beginning in earnest at December’s Winter Meetings. The 2025 edition is this week in Las Vegas, and the Minnesota Twins came in with a plan. “We sent (Twins GM) Derek Falvey to Vegas with two things: An open mind and a Ziploc bag full of pennies,” said a source close to the Pohlad family, who’ve owned the Twins since 1982. While the former makes sense for a team that may be continuing a major roster teardown, why the pennies? “There are some great joints off-Strip or in north Vegas where the penny slots are loose as heck,” said the source. “If Derek wants a platoon outfielder or a bullpen arm, here’s one way of getting there.” The meetings themselves were held at The Cosmopolitan, right in the heart of the Las Vegas Strip. “Yeah, you’re not getting any bargain action at a place like that,” said the source. “That’s where the Dodgers stay. No thanks. Derek likes to get creative anyway.” Multiple media sources covering the meetings tell Twins Daily that Falvey was spotted lugging the coin bag into multiple off-strip locations, including a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell by Nellis Air Force Base, the Cowabunga Bay Waterslide Experience, and what local authorities and community leaders say is the deadliest strip mall in Henderson. At press time, there was no indication that Falvey had won big or that the Twins had made any roster moves. Still, the source was confident that it would pay off in the long run. “The Pohlads had their faithful manservants clean out all the coins from their fleet of Land Rovers and Bentleys,” said the source. “We didn’t even touch the Rolls (Royces) or Porsches. There are at least the beginnings of a utility infielder in there.” View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Andy Witchger When the Minnesota Twins introduced Derek Shelton as their new manager on Tuesday, all the questions centered around roster construction, coaching hires, and other baseball ephemera. In another case of the media failing to ask the truly tough questions, at no point did anyone ask, “Derek, are you also the lead singer of The National?” Allegedly, Matt Berninger is the vocalist for the New York-based alt-rock band. But the resemblance between Berninger and Shelton demands answers, one that only an independent outlet like Twins Daily is brave enough to uncover. Here’s what we know so far: They both have graying hair and full beards. They both wear chunky black glasses, which really heightens the resemblance. Shelton appears burlier than Berninger, but with the rise of Ozempic and other weight-loss drugs, that's hardly negative proof. Shelton has never denied being in The National. Berninger has never denied being the former bench coach for the Minnesota Twins. They both, when dressed in street clothes, look like they have opinions on bourbon, cologne, and red wine. Shelton is a baseball lifer. Berninger writes his songs on baseballs. The National is known for Berninger’s dark, enigmatic lyrics, which have earned them the tag of “Sad Dad” music. Derek Shelton managed the Pittsburgh Pirates, who have made Pennsylvania dads incredibly sad for the last few decades. This last connection (or lack thereof) is why I think there’s something to the story. The National is perhaps best known for collaborating with Taylor Swift. Shelton has never made his opinion on Taylor Swift publicly known, which frankly raises more questions than it answers. Even people who don’t listen to music have an opinion on Taylor Swift, usually about how seeing her during a football game makes them upset for some reason. What is he hiding? I have a pretty good idea. In conclusion, if you notice the National only touring from November (ok, October) through early February, or Shelton taking a leave of absence during the season for “a personal matter at an upstate New York recording studio,” you’re not alone. You're not crazy. You might just be seeing through the lies. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Chris Rycroft “Familiarity” was the buzzword as the Minnesota Twins narrowed the search for their next manager—not just with the team itself, but with the philosophy that ownership operates under. “Derek Shelton not only has experience with the team, but he also has experience with a team that’s completely starved for resources and a fan base that alternates between alienated and apathetic,” said a front office source. “He just gets it.” Shelton, Minnesota’s former bench coach and Pittsburgh’s manager from 2020-2025, will be the team’s next manager, they confirmed in a Thursday press release. “We don’t currently have what some of the advanced stat guys call ‘a bullpen,’” said the source. “Some of these new-school managers might demand we make some moves and improve our roster, at the expense of profitability. Shelton’s been beaten down for years. He knows better than to even ask.” Minnesota, which has drastically trimmed payroll since defeating current World Series favorite Toronto in the 2023 American League playoffs, is coming off a season wherein they also parted with 40% of their active roster at the trade deadline. Rumors abound that core starting pitchers Pablo López and Joe Ryan will be next to go, further reducing the team’s financial commitments. “If we part with López and/or Ryan, there will no doubt be some negative nellies who come to Target Field just to yell ‘Sell the Team’ at us,” said the source. “Shelton has been hearing that for years now. He won’t even flinch; he’ll just keep an unproven starter out there for another three innings of hot slop before bringing in a reliever who’s even worse. This is a man who understands the assignment. “We’re excited about the emotional and professional calluses he’s developed to withstand a total lack of spending and wobbly infrastructure.” While the source refused to speculate on any scenario where the Twins would spend money on improving the on-field product, he did allow that if the corporate real estate market turned around, a lumbering corner outfielder with a bad arm could be in play—if the price is right. “People say the two sweetest words in baseball are ‘Opening Day,’ but the seven sweetest are ‘minimum salary and an extensive injury history.’ It rolls off the tongue.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons When you part with 40% of your team at the trade deadline, it creates a substantial inventory of souvenir jerseys, shirts, hoodies, and other memorabilia that are immediately dead stock. The question of what to do with a warehouse full of these things is not easily solvable. You need experts. That’s where Spirit Halloween comes in. The spooky season retailer, which specializes in taking over abandoned storefronts and filling them with costumes, masks, and decorations, will assume control of the Minnesota Twins’ brick-and-mortar company store at Target Field through the rest of October. But it won’t be your typical Halloween outlet. “While there won’t be any Star Wars or Disney costumes, we will be your go-to source for dressing up as former members of the 2025 Minnesota Twins,” said Brynn Kowalczyk, a spokesperson for the retailer. “We think Spooky Griffin Jax will be a big hit among this year’s trick-or-treaters.” Kowalczyk dismissed those skeptical of a market for medium Harrison Bader shirseys and oversized Willi Castro hoodies. “What if it’s cold outside,” she asked. “Even if you’re Darth Vader or Moana, this long-sleeve Jhoan Duran base layer will protect you from the elements. And at 15% off suggested retail, it’s a great deal.” For objects that aren’t inherently scary, Kowalczyk says Spirit Halloween will amp up the spookiness. “Every piece of Carlos Correa merch comes with a rundown of how much money the Twins still owe him, and what those funds could be used for in a challenging and fluid corporate real estate market. It’s the kind of horror that sticks with you.” When asked why there were also Joe Ryan and Pablo López jerseys and pullovers available, Kowalcyzk winked and ended the interview. View full article

Image courtesy of Melissa Berman/Twins Daily Multiple names—some familiar, some not—surfaced this week in the Minnesota Twins’ managerial search, including Twins “Piranha” legend Nick Punto. Team President Derek Falvey says the ideal candidate will have a strong focus on fundamentals, baserunning, and other “small ball” traits, meaning this payroll-constricted team will not be spending its way back to contention. This includes the manager position itself, as multiple front office sources tell Twins Daily that any candidate willing to be “paid in exposure” versus a traditional salary has a leg up on the competition. “We’re already paying (former Twins manager Rocco) Baldelli not to manage next year,” said one source with knowledge of the hiring process. “That money’s not coming back, and we’re on a tight budget as is. If we can innovate in the cost-of-living space, that’s a plus.” The Twins are one of eight teams hiring a manager for 2026. Twins Daily was able to confirm that the other seven teams plan to pay their new hire a salary with competitive benefits, including dental. “Only 30 people in the world get to manage a major league team,” said another front office source. “In a vacuum, you’d pay for the privilege. What if the Los Angeles Dodgers are watching when you pull off a perfect double steal? How valuable is that potential opportunity? They might make you an advance scout in Korea or Saskatchewan, with a per diem and a Murphy bed! It’s priceless.” Potential obstacles to this plan include convincing adult men with mortgages and families to work without compensation. Team sources say they have a plan for that. “Our franchise has unfairly been tagged as cheap by smear merchants in the media, but the simple fact remains that sunflower seeds are free to all on-field employees, including the manager,” said the front office source. “That’s 30 grams of protein in a one-cup serving. Plus, there’s a cot in the manager’s office. There’s dinner and there’s room and board. Frankly, I’d describe that as overly generous, but you won’t read that in The Athletic.” Members of the Pohlad family were unavailable to comment on the team’s managerial search, as mid-October is their annual Fly Like a Bird Gala, in which they catapult their most defiant manservant into a haunted forest. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/incognito7nyc The New York Yankees fell to the Toronto Blue Jays 5-2 in the Bronx on Wednesday night, ending their season with a 3-1 Divisional Series loss. It also ensured they would fail to advance to the American League Championship Series, a failure they share with the Minnesota Twins. “Obviously, when you have a generational player like (Aaron) Judge and a huge payroll, anything less than a World Series feels like a disappointment,” said Greg O’Connor, a Yankees fan who lives in Minneapolis. “But to have the exact same amount of ALCS games as the 2025 Twins? Woof. That really knocks you off your feet. It’s disgusting.” The Yankees compiled an impressive 94-68 record, tied for the best in the American League with the Blue Jays. The Twins blew up their team at the trade deadline, dealt their entire bullpen, parted with Carlos Correa in a salary dump, compiled a post-deadline record that competed with the White Sox and Rockies for futility, and fired their manager. Both teams won the same amount of ALCS games. “I feel dirty,” said O’Connor. “It’s a stain that won’t wash off. This is the worst thing I’ve ever felt.” Judge, who turns 34 next season, had an incredible postseason, going 13-for-26, leading the team to a Wild Card victory over the hated Red Sox before belting a memorable 3-run homer in the Bombers’ only ALDS victory. The Twins wasted a healthy Byron Buxton, took on minority partners to pay off commercial real estate debt, and seem likely to continue trading off what remaining assets they have this winter. Both teams failed to advance to the World Series. “Help me,” said O’Connor. “I am in hell. This is hell.” Dane Williams, O’Connor’s friend and diehard Twins fan, said he enjoyed teasing him about this, but it did nothing to improve his feelings about his own favorite team. “I wouldn’t say it makes me feel any better,” said Williams. “But do I feel less shame? Yeah. I guess I do. The dark clouds of sadness that followed my every making moment parted for a little bit. I guess that’ll have to do.” Image license here. View full article

it was cut for space, but all the "G"s in Milbank's name are soft Gs.

Image courtesy of Flickr/Gary Todd When the Minnesota Twins relieved Rocco Baldelli of his managerial duties this week, the reaction was what you’d expect. While the Twins had missed the playoffs in four of the last five years, no reasonable observer could entirely blame Baldelli for ownership’s payroll malfeasance and the lack of player development or roster depth. Gregg G. Milbank is not a reasonable observer. “If Rockhead doesn’t have such a quick hook, maybe they make the playoffs the last two years. Let the pitchers pitch. Good riddance, I say.” Milbank, 34, claims to have created the “Rockhead” nickname for Baldelli, going so far as to file a copyright for it. He says that despite the patent office laughing and pointing at him when he made the request, he’s “pretty confident” it led to a series of romantic encounters and lucrative job opportunities. (Friends dispute Milbank’s assertion, saying that he lives alone with his cat, Pierzynski, and makes his living selling bootleg Labubus outside of South Dakota Dollar General stores.) With a new manager in the offing, Milbank is already gearing up for a short, sharp nickname to mock any potential hire. “I heard they might try to get (former Twins coach) James Rowson back from the Yankees,” said Milbank, carefully arranging the faux Labubus in the trunk of his Honda Civic. “There’s not a lot to work with there, but I think ‘Blowson’ might have legs. Look at Blowson blow another game because he blows. Could be something?” Milbank says he has a spreadsheet with all the potential candidates’ names and potential slurs, except for one. “Toby Gardenhire is an American hero,” said Milbank of the St. Paul Saints manager, stroking Pierzynski’s fur while emitting a substantial vape plume. “If they hire him, he has my 100 percent buy-in. Anyone slanders any Gardenhire in my presence, we’re gonna tangle.” Milbank, whose full name is Greggory Gregory Milbank, said he is happy to discuss Minnesota’s plan at manager with anyone this weekend outside the Flandreau Dollar General. “I’m in the Dollar General parking lot on weekends to do two things: Talk Twins and sell these authentic-looking Labubus,” Milbank said, putting his intricate vape rig down. “And I’m almost out of authentic-looking Labubus." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Ken Lund Mike Twilly was born in Hamtramck, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit. His family moved to the Minneapolis suburbs in 1987, when the then-9-year-old saw his beloved Tigers fall to the Minnesota Twins in a historic ALCS upset. His friends have never let him forget it. “Every time John Smoltz broadcasts a game, my buddy Anders will shoot me a text and ask if that was the Hall of Famer the Tigers traded so Doyle Alexander could get lit up by Gary Gaetti,” said Twilly. “I hate it. I hate it so much.” Now, with the Tigers in the middle of a record-setting freefall that might eliminate them from the playoffs entirely, you’d expect that Twilly would be racing to mute his notifications. “Nobody’s saying anything. It’s eerie. I’m already on a knife’s edge about this team, maybe they’ve matured beyond this kind of thing?” His friends say that isn’t the case at all. “When I saw that Detroit lost to Cleveland again on Wednesday, I was just about to send Mikey a GIF of (The Simpsons’) Nelson Muntz laughing and pointing,” said Matthew Zahn, one of Twilly’s high school friends. “But then I thought about the Twins. I put my phone down. I walked outside, sat on my front step, and just stared at the setting autumn sun. I welcomed the dark.” “I should be roasting his ass right now, not gonna lie,” said Gregg Cavan, the best man from Twilly’s first wedding. “Can you believe how Detroit is [EXPLETIVE] the bed? It should be so easy to make fun of him and his historically collapsing team. And yet, I suffer alone. I’m the one in pain. I bought a full Twins season ticket package this year. My wife says I cry in my sleep now. My sleep is dreamless. Hope is a lie.” At press time, Detroit had lost eight in a row, 11 of 12, and 20 of 27. They led the AL Central by 14 games on July 8. They are not only in danger of losing the division, but are a mere game clear of Houston for the final Wild Card spot. “It’s frankly alarming that none of my friends are reminding me of this constantly,” said Twilly. “There should be clips from ESPN about how historic this is clogging up the inbox. But it’s quiet.” “I have two sons,” said Anders Hoffman, Twilly’s college roommate. “Their favorite Twins were Jhoan Duran and Carlos Correa. My work was able to get us on-the-field passes for the first home game in August. They were so excited. They were going to see their heroes up close. When we got there, the only one working out was Pierson Ohl. I thought he was an intern. My boys said I was the worst Dad ever. They were right to do it. “So yeah, I haven’t texted Mikey about the fraudulent, loser Tigers. I don’t deserve joy.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Bruce Kluckhohn - Imagn Images Chris Shaw was confused. The Golden Valley man was enjoying a hazy IPA at Bricksworth Beer Co. in the North Loop neighborhood of Minneapolis on Wednesday afternoon with some co-workers, when a group of “roughly 8-10 people” in Minnesota Twins gear walked in. “We didn’t know what to make of it,” said Shaw. “The season’s been over for at least a month now, and they don’t do TwinsFest until January. Figured it was one of those lame themed office parties or something.” Although common sense would seem to indicate that Shaw is correct, while investigating this incident, Twins Daily was able to exclusively confirm that the Minnesota Twins are still playing baseball—including a home series against the Cleveland Guardians this weekend! Reporters and analysts who cover the Twins were stunned. “I was as surprised as anyone,” said Twins Daily founder John Bonnes. “But I used a variety of search engines and they all indicated that the regular season ends on Sunday, September 28. I called the Target Field front desk on my landline telephone and was told the same.” “My editor told me to go to the stadium on Tuesday,” said the Minnesota Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “I figured they wanted me to gauge the off-season temperature or see if there was any more downsizing. I get there, and there’s people in the stands. I just assumed it was another country music concert from someone named Kody or Keith or Kody Keith. But it was a Yankees game? Against the Twins? Who are still playing?” Twins Daily has confirmed that there are four more home games this year, all against Cleveland, on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. As if that wasn’t bizarre enough, multiple sources have told us the Twins will then head out on the road for an entire week of more baseball games. Perhaps even more remarkably, these results will count in the standings for both teams. “I’ll be honest, I just switched into Vikings and Lynx mode after the trade deadline,” said Fiona Barrington, Shaw’s co-worker. “I honestly assumed they didn’t have enough players left, anyway. This is pretty wild. Do their families know?” The final home series of the year, which, again, we have verified to be real, begins tonight, with Pablo López taking the mound versus the Guardians. There’s even a website where you can buy tickets. Huh. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Mac H With fan morale plummeting almost as fast as the team’s winning percentage, it’s an inopportune time for the Twins to be starting a 10-game homestand to close out the home portion of their 2025 season. Even with the Yankees coming to town next week, good seats are still available, to put it mildly. This makes the case of Ken Aamodt even more baffling. Aamodt, a Lakeville father of two, bought two tickets to Saturday evening’s game versus the Arizona Diamondbacks. Multiple sources say he bought them on purpose. “When I heard he did that, I thought maybe he had a connection to the D-Backs,” said James McTeer, Aamodt’s friend and co-worker. “He doesn’t. He’s never even been to Arizona. I don’t know what’s going on, but I shot him a text saying 'hey, you can always talk to me if ur ever going through something.'” Aamodt’s spouse, Kate, is also perplexed. “He said he had a surprise for Saturday night earlier this week, and I got excited,” said Aamodt. “We haven’t been on a date in a while, and the kids are staying with his grandparents all weekend. “Then he said he got home run deck seats for the Twins and Diamondbacks. I thought he was kidding. But no. He wasn’t. He even got paper tickets. Paper!” The Diamondbacks are on the fringe of the NL Wild Card race, but it’s not at all clear if Aamodt is aware of this, or if he even knows that they’re in the National League. “He paid face value for these tickets,” said McTeer. “Go to StubHub! They’re like $10!” Sports psychologists say they’re equally puzzled by Aamodt’s unprecedented behavior. “Diehard fans are obviously going to the games regardless of record or weather,” said Dr. Lorraine Clay, a fellow at the University of Nebraska’s Institute for Recreational Psychology. “Aamodt hasn’t been to any games this year. He doesn’t subscribe to the Twins’ TV package. There’s no indication that he likes baseball at all. I hate to diagnose from afar, but he’s clearly had a mental break and should be in jail.” Aamodt was unavailable for comment, though not in jail (for now), according to Dakota County Sheriff Department records. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Gillie There is a specially constructed room at Orfield Laboratories in south Minneapolis that has long been considered the quietest place in the world. This “anechoic chamber” absorbs all sound, making it so silent that you can hear your heartbeat, your joints, and even your lungs as they fill with air. It has a negative decibel reading. As of this week, there is some competition, and it’s just a few miles up the road. “I’m frankly stunned to say that Target Field may, in fact, be quieter,” said Mike Role, a spokesperson for Orfield. “It’s an open-air stadium in a large city. But the silence speaks for itself, I guess.” With attendance plummeting after the trade deadline fire sale, what few fans are left report conditions like those experienced by those spending prolonged time in the chamber, including dizziness, nausea, and disorientation. “When Simeon Woods Richardson gave up the lead on Tuesday, I heard two things: the crack of the bat and Rocco Baldelli’s world-weary sigh,” said Tim Franklin. “I was sitting in dead center field, by myself. I yelled at Glen Perkins in the press box. He waved. Then the hallucinations began.” “It’s eerie, there’s no getting around it,” said Tucker Krebsbach, an usher at the stadium. “You stand and you stand. The quiet gets so overwhelming that I need to sit down. When Sue Nelson (longtime Minnesota Twins organist) plays a note, it’s like the 4th of July.” NASA has used anechoic chambers like Orfield’s to help astronauts prepare for the silence of space. They say the current conditions for Minnesota home games share some similarities. “The mental dangers are often much more hazardous than the physical ones,” said Deborah Jenks, a NASA analyst. “That omnipresent isolation and profound silence can drive the most stable person to realms of pure madness and total fear. And that’s just Target Field. Space is dangerous, too." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Ethan Sykes Local cat owner Aaron Gleeman posted a survey on The Athletic, a sports website run by a leading smartphone gaming company, asking Minnesota Twins fans how they’re feeling right now. It’s a valid line of questioning, after the double whammy of a trade deadline fire sale and the announcement that the Pohlad family would retain control of the team. And the short survey covers the expected territory, asking for opinions on the front office, manager Rocco Baldelli, and ownership. However, some fans claim there are errors in the survey that may prevent the survey from giving an entirely accurate gauge of the fan base’s emotional well-being, or lack thereof. “At no point in this survey did they ask about my blank, baseline sadness,” said Julia Gibbons, 49, of Shoreview. “I don’t even watch the games anymore. I just look at the box score in the morning and stare at the kitchen wall. I forget to drink my coffee. It gets cold. I’m too numb to ache. Yet still, I ache.” “It asked me to give a letter grade to ownership, from A to F,” said Brady Thomasson, 37, of Northfield. “What’s the letter for ‘endless, anguished screaming,’ Aaron? I can’t find a letter for that. I scream, and neither Aaron nor God will listen.” “One question asked if I thought Pablo López and Joe Ryan would be traded,” said Ron Abbotsford, 71, of Ham Lake. “It didn’t ask if I thought they’d also trade (top prospect) Walker Jenkins before or after they manipulated his service time. It didn’t ask me if they’d come to my house, take my videocassettes of every 1991 World Series game, and urinate on them. It didn’t ask me why I’m crying all the time now.” The Athletic said they will release the results after the Labor Day holiday. The Twins open a 7-game homestand on Friday versus the San Diego Padres. The games will be started by a bunch of relievers you’ve never heard of in your life and will never hear of again. Image license here. View full article