RandBalls Stu

The downsizing AL Central contender is looking to make money and fast.Cleveland finalized a massive deal on Thursday, sending superstars Francisco Lindor and Carlos Carrasco to the New York Mets. The trade brought back a haul of young prospects and more importantly trimmed $44 million off the team’s 2021 payroll. And team cornerstones aren’t the only thing priced to move. According to a Marketplace listing on the team’s Facebook page, you can be the owner of a shoebox full of 41 “good to very good” pens from the Progressive Field supply closet. The asking price is $20, but the team appears willing to negotiate: DETAILS Condition: Good to Very Good Brand: Bic Specs: Blue ink, clear body, blue cap. Mild chew marks on some caps. The kind you get at Target. No Cleveland or MLB branding, but it was next to some Gatorade and staples on the shelf. Someone famous might have held one? We really don’t know, but if we find out we’d let the purchaser know. There was no indication that the offer had been met as this article went to press. This box of pens is just one way the 2020 playoff team is looking to reduce overhead and get more liquid. A team source said they’re also looking at getting cash now from structured settlements, selling their Beanie Babies, starting a podcast, and putting their press releases behind a paywall. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Regionally liked Twins Daily writer offers his resolutions for the 2021 season.Some might call these New Year's resolutions. I prefer to think of it as one person's manifesto for better fandom in 2021. I resolve to find the executives who make the decisions to pull Twins (and Wild and Timberwolves) games off the air as they resolve and/or exploit carriage disputes and give them wedgies. Powerful, unrelenting wedgies. The kind you walk funny from for a good day or two. Yes, violence begets violence, but I see no other option. I resolve to give my calf to Josh Donaldson if he needs it. I’m much older than him, but my calves are in working order. I’ll take his bum one if it’s a one-for-one thing. I resolve to never take for granted enjoying a beer and a bratwurst at a baseball stadium again. I resolve to never take for granted finding a bar or taproom before the game starts to save money on the beers and talk to a guy in a Jason Kubel jersey who’s in town from Pipestone or something. I resolve to find my bone-deep hatred for the Chicago White Sox again. I had my doubts, but the hiring of the galactically unlikeable Tony La Russa will help this so much. I resolve to not get my hopes up that this will be the season that the Twins will win a playoff game, and instead be pleasantly dumbstruck if and/or when it happens. I resolve to walk to a St. Paul Saints game and enjoy recognizing the veteran major leaguer rehabbing/hanging on for dear life for the other AAA team. If I’m within eight blocks of, like, Brad Hawpe, I’m not going to miss my shot. I resolve to not rely on tired tropes about Rocco Baldelli being handsome and Joe Mauer being kind of boring for my Twins Daily content this year. LOL that’s a lie I’m going to beat those dead horses until Bonnes trades me to a Rockies blog for someone who understands xFIP. I resolve to find the guys who throw back the opposing team’s home run ball rather than give it to a nearby kid and tell them I’m glad their third wife is cheating on them. Finally, I resolve to start a fruitless and juvenile social media rivalry with one of the local beat writers. Welcome to hell, Dan Hayes. Click here to view the article

The cable network that carries the Twins is getting a name change. Will these proposed holiday specials finally see the light of day?The recent announcement that the regional Fox Sports networks would be rebranded under the Bally’s name (and allow you and the other degenerates in your family to bet on a Mariners game) has led to a lot of speculation. Most of it is centered on non-cable subscribers trying and failing to access the station. A more important question, though, regards the fate of proposed holiday programming that previous ownership rejected. This list, obtained by Twins Daily sources and confirmed by departed executives familiar with the situation, might yet come to fruition. A Totally Randy Christmas. Twins pitcher Randy Dobnak celebrates the holiday in song with other famous Randys. His duet with Randy Travis on “What Child Is This?” will bring a tear to your eye.Marney Gellner’s Winter Wonderland. The FSN studio host and sideline reporter steps out of the arena and into the season with this winter-themed variety show. Join her and sidekick Paul “Meatsauce” Lambert as she visits Santa's workshop, creates her favorite holiday drinks, and follows her true passion of mixed martial arts as she chokes out all comers in the Renters Warehouse Octagon.Christmas With Dick. Twins play-by-play legend Dick Bremer narrates “The Night Before Christmas” in front of a roaring fireplace. (NOTE FROM MGMT: Might want to change name to be more inclusive of other traditions. Dick for the Holidays a better call? Let’s table this and reach out to stakeholders.)Die Hard Watch Party with Joe Mauer. The 1988 Bruce Willis classic has become a counterintuitive holiday favorite over the years. Follow along with Twins legend Joe Mauer as he views an edited-for-television version of the film as his mom “doesn’t much care for swears and boobies.”Tom Kelly Criticizes Todd Walker’s Christmas Lights. (NOTE FROM MGMT: This started as a project for the former Twins manager to visit the homes of retired players for the holidays but it just ended up with him mocking Todd Walker’s Christmas lights in front of his wife and kids for over three hours. It's already filmed but the sheer scale of the emotional violence may not be seasonally appropriate.)Image license here. Click here to view the article

"We’re hideous,” said one unlovable writer.As Rocco Baldelli celebrated the tongue-in-cheek honor of being named MLB’s Most Handsome Manager this week, another title went unclaimed locally, as the Minnesota Twins Diamond Awards failed to name a Most Handsome Twins Blogger for a 22nd consecutive year. “No one even submitted a name,” said a Diamond Awards spokesperson. “OK, correction, someone nominated The Babadook, but it does not appear to have written about the Twins in 2020 and was therefore ineligible.” Bloggers, often unfairly criticized by their mainstream counterparts at the dawn of the internet era for being basement-dwelling ogres, still have a long way to go, it seems. “I thought as more bloggers gained acceptance and got traditional media gigs or even front-office jobs, the stigma would go away,” said longtime Twins blogger Aaron Gleeman. “But I went to Target Field last year, and a beat writer yelled ‘Nice shirt, didn’t know the clown college had a rummage sale.’ A beat writer!” Gleeman, now with The Athletic, confirmed that he has a girlfriend and does not have a basement. John Bonnes, Gleeman’s co-host on a popular lifestyle podcast and founder of Twins Daily, isn’t quite sold on this narrative. “If we’re all trolls who frighten children before their growth spurts and are bullied by them after, explain the rugged sensuality of (Twins Daily’s) Parker Hageman,” reasoned Bonnes. “Explain the fact that (Twins Daily’s) Nick Nelson has a gym membership that he actually uses. Do bloggers still get pelted with rocks and garbage by an ungrateful, disgusted public? Does the cruel sun avoid us, leaving us pale and drawn? Yes, no one denies this. I’m just saying it’s better than before.” If the not-exactly-hunky world of managing can have room for a Baldelli, is that a sign that the world of baseball blogging can produce a reasonably good-looking dude? Some aren’t so sure. “Oh god no,” said Steve “RandBall’s Stu” Neuman (Twins Daily, Twinkie Town). “We’re monsters. If we try to enter a church a lightning bolt will strike us where we stand. The grave will be unmarked and the grass will not grow. Animals will know to avoid it. We’re hideous.” (Image license here.) Click here to view the article

The home of Minnesota’s new minor-league affiliate surprises some with its alleged proximity to the state’s largest city.Wednesday’s confirmation of the St. Paul Saints as the new Triple-A home for the Minnesota Twins was welcome news to many across the Twin Cities. For Minneapolis resident and lifelong Twins fan Devin Burkhardt, it also led to a surprising discovery. “St. Paul is literally five minutes that way,” said Burkhardt, 32. “Wow.” The Twins ended their partnership with the Rochester (NY) Red Wings earlier this fall and are moving their Triple-A organization to CHS Field in St. Paul’s Lowertown neighborhood. They’re also changing their Double-A base of operations from Pensacola to Wichita. “So, if you keep going past the U of M and the Fairgrounds, that’s where St. Paul is,” asked Burkhardt. “I just thought it was farms and the airport. This is pretty surprising.” The team expressed excitement that fans could watch up-and-coming prospects and rehabbing veterans at one of the country’s best minor-league facilities, just a short distance from Target Field. “It says here that St. Paul is the capital of Minnesota,” said Burkhardt as he read the city’s Wikipedia entry. “How come no one talks about this? I always thought it was Duluth, but there’s nothing on their Instagram about it, so it checks out. Totally explains the whole 'Twin Cities' thing too.There's two cities! Wild.” Twins President Dave St. Peter told The Athletic’s Dan Hayes that the team was “ecstatic. We couldn’t be more thrilled from a player development perspective of the way things turned out.” “Do they have coffee shops or elevated pub fare in St. Paul,” asked Burkhardt. “Do they use money or is it like a barter system? Are there roads? I’ll be honest, this really threw me for a loop.” The team expressed hope that fans would be able to attend Saints games in person this season, depending on progress being made against the COVID-19 pandemic. “This could be a prank, like a Borat thing,” speculated Burkhardt, referencing the Sacha Baron Cohen character. “I’ve lived in Minneapolis my whole life. Someone should have brought up St. Paul by now. It’s a brilliant bit. They've got me fooled.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

With the looming departure of Eddie Rosario, Twins Daily looks back at the storied history of Eds, Eduardos, and Eddies on the Minnesota Twins.Eddie Rosario marks the last of the Eds in what was inarguably the greatest stretch of Eds in Minnesota Twins history. You’ll one day tell your grandchildren about how you could go to Target Field and watch Rosario, Eduardo Escobar, and Eduardo Nunez on the same damn day. They’ll stare at you in slackjawed disbelief. It’s like finding out college used to cost fifty bucks. No one will believe you. With this in mind, Twins Daily is going to rank all eight Eds in Minnesota Twins history. There is absolutely zero sabermetric analysis going into this, so please know that your complaints, while mathematically sound and displaying care, rigor, and intelligence, will go unheeded. 8. Ed Palmquist. Played in Minnesota’s inaugural 1961 season. Not a lot of info out there on the middle reliever, but he was a longtime resident of Grants Pass, Oregon, which was named for Ulysses Grant after he beat the hell out of Civil War participation trophy recipients The Confederacy at Vicksburg. 7. Edwar Colina. Pitched in one game last season. Recorded one out and has an ERA of 81.00. We hope it goes down. 6. Ed Hodge. Played for the Twins in 1984. I don’t remember him at all, and I remember a lot about the 1984 Twins. Ron Davis blew a save in all 162 games, a record that will never be topped given how relievers are currently used. 5. Eddie Bane. Bonus baby who went straight from Arizona State to the Twins in the '70s but never panned out. Later became a major league scout. Two things of note: 1) Knocked Dave Winfield and the Gophers out of the College World Series. 2) Drafted Mike Trout for the Angels. We should all never pan out like that. Nice Reusse column if you’re a Strib subscriber here. 4. Eduardo Nunez. This is where the going gets tough, but life is about making difficult choices. An All-Star in 2016, Nunez is perhaps best known for working at the Krusty Krab alongside Spongebob Squarepants. 3. Eddie Rosario. Like I said, this is really hard! I think Gleeman’s assessment of him in The Athletic is definitive, but you can tell me I’m a stupid idiot in the comments. But it’s really Aaron’s fault, so keep that top of mind and maybe yell at him instead. Definitely yell at him instead. 2. Eduardo Escobar. I can’t tell you that Escobar is a better player than Rosario or even Nunez. What I can tell you is that I can’t find any pictures of those two gifted athletes milking a cow at his job. What I can tell you is that their farewells to Minnesota didn’t involve a crude, wonderful Photoshop rainbow. What I can tell you is that Eduardo Escobar is a hero to all of us, in ways big and small, every day. I love you, Eduardo Escobar. 1. Eddie Guardado. A closer who throws 87 mph with not a terrific amount of movement feels like a prank now, but I swear on Ron Gant’s forward momentum it happened. Gets the number one spot due to giving the entire state of Minnesota a heart attack in Game 5 of the 2002 ALDS but still getting the final out. To wit: Single, groundout, double, THREE-RUN HOMER, pop-up, single, foul pop-up, Twins knock out the Moneyball A’s 5-4. Right up there with Game 7 and Game 163 for pure misery before absolute, boundless joy. And he did this FOR YEARS. He’s the top Ed. Click here to view the article

As our nation undergoes the annual rite of smoldering garages and overwhelmed burn wards, it's more important than ever to understand it in the context of the Minnesota Twins and their playoff performances.Every year, the Minnesota Twins find a way to disappoint in the playoffs. Every year, America finds a way to keep insurers from enjoying their Thanksgiving dinner in peace. Are these two things connected? We're just asking questions. The silence that follows speaks for itself. An exhaustive Twins Daily investigation has determined that the following videos of what our nephew Travis calls "epic Thanksgiving fails" best reflect each postseason failure since 2004. It's science, and as we've seen this year, you can't argue with science. The 2006 ALDS (Torii Hunter dives; Torii Hunter misses) The 2010 ALDS (First year in Target Field, but it sure didn't feel any different.) The 2009 ALDS (PHIL EFF WORD CUZZI) The 2020 AL Wild Card (You remember this! It just happened!) The 2004 ALDS (This disappointment can get its license now. Just like you, Travis.) The 2017 AL Wild Card (We were so excited to be back in the playoffs! Then the playoffs started!) The 2019 ALDS (Just...man. I mean.) When you see it all laid out like this, it's a bracing reminder that history doesn't repeat, but if often rhymes. Then it burns down your outbuilding. Image license here. Click here to view the article

Beloved utility player considers an unorthodox approach to epidemiology.Sources close to former Minnesota Twins infielder Nick Punto say the retired major leaguer has taken an interest in public health and using his unique skill set to mitigate the COVID-19 outbreak. “He’s done the reading, he’s aware of the vaccine progress, and now he has one question,” said a source familiar with Punto’s thinking. “What if you slide headfirst into it?” Punto, long recognized for his scrappy, hustling style of play, became a folk hero for his tendency to slide headfirst into first base on close plays, despite it demonstrably being the worst thing you can do, both in efficacy and injury risk. “Nick recognizes the incredible work our brave medical professionals are doing to save lives, and he wants to do his part,” said a former teammate who is in the SHREDDERS group chat with Punto and other ex-Twins. “He’s proposing finding the virus, sizing it up, and sliding headfirst into it.” Punto made clear this was not a metaphor for social distancing or mask-wearing, but rather the physical act of sliding headfirst into the deadly virus. “He’s a firm believer in getting after it and want-to, and we all ‘want to’ crush this virus,” said a third source. “It’s right in Nick’s wheelhouse, which is wanting to slide headfirst into things.” Dr. Michael Osterholm, director of the University of Minnesota’s Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy, disputes the efficacy of Punto’s plan. “No, it won’t work,” said Osterholm. “It’s impossible. This is impossible. Why are you asking me about this?” For his part, Punto is characterized as remaining motivated to make a difference in the COVID battle. “He had a lot of people throughout his career tell him to stop sliding headfirst into first base,” said the former teammate. “All I know is he has a World Series ring now, and a lot of those guys don’t. Scoreboard.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

AL Central contender adds more veteran leadership for young ballclub with all-time wins leader. Some critics disagree.The Chicago White Sox announced Thursday that they’re adding another Hall of Fame manager to DUI enthusiast Tony La Russa’s coaching staff. “We’re incredibly thrilled to announce that Connie Mack will be our bench coach for the 2020 season,” said White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf. Mack, who has been dead since 1956, holds the major league record for managerial wins, losses, and total games. “With so many exciting young players on our team, getting proven leaders on board to help guide this ship and take that next step in the playoffs is critical,” said Reinsdorf. “Connie fits this bill perhaps better than anyone.” Reaction to the hire was mixed. “He’s been dead since 1956,” said ESPN’s Jeff Passan. “I’d note that he also never managed a Black or Hispanic player and the inherent cultural differences that might entail, but the overriding concern from the sources I’ve spoken with is that he died many, many years ago. It’s a heavy lift.” “Tony La Russa is a Hall of Fame baseball guy,” said Reinsdorf. “And the critics had their knives out for him. I’m not surprised by this reaction by bloggers and so-called journalists chasing clicks. It’s disappointing.” Mack’s ancestors could not be reached for comment. His remains are interred at the Holy Sepulchre Cemetery in Glenside, Pennsylvania. “Between Tony and Connie, we added a century of baseball knowledge in one offseason,” said Reinsdorf. “Some teams are parting with their best players or are more worried about getting their financial house in order. We’re going for it. I think it says a lot about the Chicago White Sox organization.” “He’s dead. He’s been dead for a very long time,” noted Passan. Click here to view the article

Team hopes unconventional strategy will end postseason slump.The Houston Astros defeated the Minnesota Twins 4-1 in Game 1 of the 2020 AL Wild Card round. Or did they? Lawyers for the Minnesota Twins have asked Major League Baseball to stop the innings count of Game 1 after the fifth inning, with the Twins leading 1-0. “A game can be official after five innings of play,” said Byron Fredrickson, the team’s lead attorney. “It’s a foundational rule of baseball that goes back over a century. Our request is simple: the four subsequent innings unfairly changed the result of the first five innings. We ask the league to overturn this result, restore justice to Game 1, and allow the Twins and Astros to play a decisive Game 3.” Major League Baseball did not respond for multiple requests to comment. “The special circumstances of the short season, paired with the clear bias against the Twins that began with Phil Cuzzi robbing Joe Mauer of an obvious extra-base hit in the 2009 ALDS, makes it critical that the innings stop at five,” said Fredrickson. “It’s an official game. No one denies this. The silence of the commissioner’s office and the complicit media lapdogs is noticeable and it is shameful.” When asked if this would be unfair to the Astros, Fredrickson said the Twins welcomed them to join the proceedings. “We’ll provide a trash can and a wooden spoon for them to file their appeal if they so choose,” said Fredrickson. Legal experts and baseball historians have characterized the Twins’ petition as “insane,” “the product of emotionally damaged men,” and “funny, but not ha-ha funny.” Fredrickson brushed those criticisms aside. “At the end of the day, what matters isn’t the slings and arrows of compromised elites, what matters is the truth, and that truth is that games are official after the fifth inning. God bless the Minnesota Twins, and God bless America.” Click here to view the article

“Every season, there’s a guy who’s just a weapons-grade dink. He deserves recognition.”Last week, the Twin Cities chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America announced the winners of their end-of-year Diamond Awards. In addition to Minnesota Twins MVP, Rookie of the Year, and other honors, they also bequeath a Media Good Guy award. This year it was Twins reliever and union rep Taylor Rogers. Next year, he’ll have a counterpart. “In 2021, we’re looking to recognize the biggest horse’s ass in the Twins clubhouse,” said Star Tribune Twins beat writer LaVelle E. Neal III. “It’s why we’re rolling out the Media Bad Guy Award.” The 60-year-old Neal said the writers will weigh several factors in deciding the winner. “It’s not just going to be a way to get back at guys who don’t want to give a quote after a tough loss,” said Neal. “Does he also deliver two dozen pizzas to our hotel room, or send one of the clubhouse attendants to let the air out of our tires? We need a full suite of jerk-dom, a real bastard’s bastard.” “Every season, there’s a guy who’s just a weapons-grade dink,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “He deserves recognition. ‘No comment’ is amateur hour. Stealing my phone and texting ‘Save 50% on a one-year subscription to The Athletic using the code DANHAYESHEARTEMOJIBINLADEN’ to my family’s group chat is the dedication to being a complete jag that we’re looking for.” Hayes added that you can save 50% on a one-year subscription to The Athletic using the code HOTSTOVE2020. Neal said the only potential snag is the current roster. “Most of these guys are good dudes or at least respectful,” said Neal. “But there will be some turnover this winter, and you’ve gotta figure one of the new guys will be a total wad. Or maybe the short season prevented one of the current players from embracing his inner creep. It's the beauty of a long season. Boy scout in spring training, wearing a fedora in September.” (Hat tip to Jim Andrews for the inspiration on this. Not the ACL guy.) Click here to view the article

“We’re incredibly proud of Dustin and the fearless team of puppeteers that controls his every move.”Although Dustin May’s appearance in Game 2 of the World Series didn’t go to plan, at least one group of fans was pleased with his performance. “Just taking the mound was a big moment for Dustin,” said Jeffrey Dunn, CEO of Children’s Television Workshop. “It was big moment for all of us here.” Dunn was referencing the fact that Children’s Television Workshop (CTW), home of Big Bird, Miss Piggy, and Elmo, created May in the late summer of 1997. He is the first Muppet to pitch in a World Series. “We’re incredibly proud of Dustin and the fearless team of puppeteers that controls his every move,” said Dunn. “We know they have the ability to bounce back if the Dodgers call his number again.” May, originally called Red Strummer, was originally slated to replace Floyd Pepper as the bassist for Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem when Pepper joined the Riverbottom Nightmare Band. When the latter broke up due to a dispute over songwriting credits, Pepper returned to the Mayhem and May was repurposed as a baseball Muppet. “We had this super athletic and lanky Muppet with electric stuff,” said one former CTW employee. “Word got out pretty damn quick. The Dodgers were scouting the Sesame Street set for months, just glad to see him and the seven people who control his arms, legs, and facial expressions get to baseball’s biggest stage.” May is not to be confused with the similar-looking Dodgers third baseman Justin Turner, who is an old-timey gold prospector trapped in an era not his own, per multiple MLB sources. “Yeah, we get asked about (Turner) a lot,” said Dodgers manager Dave Roberts. “He’s definitely not a Muppet. For one thing, he goes through more hardtack and pemmican than any ballplayer I’ve seen since Rich Hill. He also says ‘Gooold. Goooooold.’ He says it a lot.” Click here to view the article

The world of baseball is buzzing after a milestone debate took place in the comments of Greta Larson’s Facebook page Thursday night.It started simply enough. Greta Larson, a Minneapolis-based IT consultant, noted that she was “Bummed that the Twins weren’t in it, but she was pulling for the Rays to beat the Astros” on her Facebook page. This innocuous post led to a 116-comment debate between Mike Dwyer and Russ Gallatin, acquaintances of Larson from the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire. The subject? The merits of analytics vs. “playing the game.” The result? Meandering, occasionally heated, and entirely unsatisfactory. What makes this one different is that it’s believed to be the 100,000th debate on this shopworn topic. “We keep track of everything, and I mean everything, so when this came across the wire at HQ, it was hard to miss,” said Scott Bush, CEO of SABR. “This was 100,000. It’s a milestone of sorts. “I should emphasize it is not a good milestone. I hate it very much and it makes me yearn for the cold dark of the grave.” Gallatin thought he had a shot at convince Dwyer of his profound ignorance. “Any honest person knows that the analytics increase your odds for success, but they don’t guarantee it,” said the Duluth (MN) resident. “Then he asked me how many rings Billy Beane has. I mean, what do you do with that?” For his part, Dwyer was taken aback by how his unassailable logic was so casually disregarded. “Reggie Jackson didn’t hit three dingers in the Game 6 of the 1977 World Series because some Poindexter showed him a bar graph,” said the Wheaton (IL) native. “He just wanted it more than the opposing pitcher. It’s an open-and-shut case, but he refused to see it that way. I’m legitimately surprised.” Larson says she has unfriended both men. Image license here. Click here to view the article