Minnesota Sports Fan Unable to Choose Between Panic, Dread

Ted Harju, 48, spent the All-Star break like a lot of Twins fans: enjoying the midsummer classic, getting projects done on his free weeknights, and alternating between feelings of wall-climbing panic and mild, existential dread.

“I’ve been a Minnesota sports fan my entire life,” said Harju, who works for a local utility company. “I can feel the darkness at all times, but with all the injuries and Cleveland playing so well, I worry that my constant, low-grade anxiety isn’t enough. I should be full-blown terrified. Like, right now.”

Minnesota’s 2019 season has so far been marked by a lack of “here we go again” slumps, punishing indifference, and gutting defeats in crucial spots that are the lifeblood of their home state’s professional and college teams. Harju knows that past performance isn’t always indicative of future results. But he remains skeptical.

“I mean, the Lynx have had a great run, and the Olympic curling team guys are all from Hermantown or something,” said Harju. “It’s not impossible for a Minnesota team to rise to the occasion. But man. They lost half their division lead in two weeks without even playing all that bad, and if Cleveland sweeps them…” Harju’s voice trailed off and he began to pace.

“But I have to look at it rationally. They probably won’t get swept. Cleveland can’t stay this hot. The schedule gets so easy later in the season. None of the injuries were season-ending. They’ll shore up the bullpen and maybe get another starting pitcher.”

Harju sat down.

“If they’re going to break my heart, they’re going to do it in the postseason. I tell myself to remember that and just relax for now. But. But.”

Harju excused himself to mow the lawn for the fourth time in nine days.