BREAKING: Twins Name Rally Sausage As Team’s Third Hitting Coach

In an unprecedented move, the Minnesota Twins are adding a fourth hitting coach to their uniformed squad, making it the meatiest trio in Major League Baseball. The club announced that their beloved Rally Sausage is being promoted to this new role after inspiring the Twins’ hitters over their recent hot stretch.

“Coaching isn’t just about the depth of information that’s in your brain, but how you inspire others with your everyday routines,” said an emotional Twins’ President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey as a single teardrop slowly traversed the ridge of his cheek. “We owe everything to Rall'. He’s not just another guy in the room. He’s our muse.”

It’s a meteoric rise for the one-pound package of summer sausage, who has yet to comment on his promotion. He just made his debut in the Twins’ dugout last week, when the Twins were just starting the 10-game winning streak that propelled them back into contention. 

For Twins’ hitters, seeing their beloved Rally Sausage finally don a team uniform for every game is going to be a welcome development, and one that is well-deserved. 

“I can’t wait to see him repping our squad and looking the part – a vital part of what we’re trying to do,” said manager Rocco Baldelli as he bowed his head in reverence, almost to genuflect at the sight of his new hitting coach. “In my many years in baseball, I don’t know if I’ve ever met someone who can be so effective at inspiring a group of men while being completely inanimate.”

Baldelli paused and leaned in as if he was going to whisper discretely. 

“I am a little bit afraid of how these new uniforms are going to fit him,” he said, with world-weary skepticism. “Let’s be real – these things are practically see-through. We’re going to be able to see the sausage through those pants clear as day.

While many have fallen in love with the Rally Sausage in his short time sweating in the spotlight, this new development is bound to rub some people the wrong way. Critics will point to his lack of experience, his fat content and the fact that he’s never possessed the capability to have a cogent thought and likely never will. 

“I get it. Sure, Rally Sausage is just a big tube of gross, smelly meat. That’s going to be something that a lot of people can’t get over,” said star catcher Ryan Jeffers, as he put the finishing touch on his homemade oil painting of his new mentor. “But at the end of the day, aren’t we all just big tubes of gross, smelly meat? Pretty sure I read that in the bible.”

The Twins are hoping that the quartet of David Popkins, Rudy Hernandez, Derek Shomon, and Rally Sausage will come together to form a knowledgeable, insightful and naturally hardwood slow-smoked cohort, capable of keeping their bats as tangy as they have been in recent weeks. 
If all goes well, the current crop of surging Twins hitters could earn the moniker The Boys of Summer Sausage.