Anonymous Player in Tears After Being Moved from Eighth to Seventh in Lineup

[Greggory Masterson]

Image courtesy of Rhona Wise-Imagn Images

A Twins hitter, who has requested anonymity, was seen crying at his locker in the home clubhouse. Although there’s no crying in baseball, this was understandable. He’d been moved from the 8-hole the day prior up to the seventh spot.

Nerds and people who have never played the game beyond their Strat-o-Matic are probably confused, but those of us who understand how baseball works know just what’s happened here.

“H-h-he can’t keep doing this to us,” the player said of manager Derek Shelton between sobs. “W-w-we’re h-human beings, n-n-n-not robots! The Poindexters in the front office don’t understand that we’re creatures of habit.”

You simply can’t move a ballplayer around in the batting order. They get confused. They can’t settle into a rhythm unless they know every day where they’ll hit. There’s a massive difference between hitting fourth, where you might have your first plate appearance in the first or second inning, or batting seventh, where it might also be in the third inning.

“Write this up in the paper, media man,” an onlooking player started. “For the suits up in the front office, imagine if you were told on a day-to-day basis whether your day started at 8 or 8:15. Bet you couldn’t do any spreadsheets for the rest of the day with that uncertainty.”

At this point, a third player joined in.

“I used to play in Biloxi. They traded me. For three straight days, I kept showing up to the ballpark, because it was a habit. Manager kept writing me in the lineup out of habit, too. There’s something that would never happen in the big leagues, since none of the managers here ever played baseball. Only realized I was on the wrong team when I tried to get on the team bus and the pencil-neck travel coordinator told me I couldn’t get on.”

He went on to tell me that the team’s GM was upset with him, but he’s clearly not a creature of habit like a real ballplayer is. Glorified pencil pusher.

As professional baseball players, they’re expected to be adaptable. The only thing they can control is their effort and their attitude, and they need to be ready to contribute any time. “Put me in coach, I’m ready to play,” as John Fogerty said. But sometimes hitting fourth and sometimes hitting sixth? No one could possibly be expected to perform under those conditions.

While I was standing there, some dweeb coach who probably came straight from Driveline told the player that he might hit fifth tomorrow. The player immediately called his therapist.

“I mean, what’s next? I have to choose the jerseys for tonight’s game?”

A nearby pitcher snickered.

A former Twins manager, who also asked to remain nameless, was quoted saying, “No, they’re absolutely right. Second basemen hit second and catchers hit third, whether it’s Mauer or Redmond. Chrysler, these guys aren’t rocket surgeons.”

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[Greg Prokott]

I don’t buy this.  Is it a parity?  
 

Found the satire reference.  I get it now.  

Edited 3 hours ago by Greg Prokott
New info

[Autist75]

     There's no crying in baseball.

[ashbury]

I take my satire only from RandBalls Stu.  It's just not worth the mental anguish to switch gears like that.