Lou Hennessy

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics MINNEAPOLIS - As the club welcomed the Athletics to Target Field on Tuesday night, an ongoing battle between two factions of Twins fans continued to ring out in the streets of downtown. On one side, a group of Twins fans that are fed up with the state of the team, especially in light of the owners recent decision to pull the organization off of the market. Opposing them, fans who have grown tired of the constant bellyaching and childish tantrums being thrown.. “What, I’m just supposed to be happy with how things have shaken out and pretend like nothing happened?” questioned Bryan Douglas of Burnsville. “That’s it! I’m done spending my hard-earned money that I got from my Hardee’s settlement on a team owned by such cheepskates.” Douglas’ frustration is understandable given the Twins’ disappointing season that has come on the heels of an epic collapse in 2024, and dwindling payroll support from ownership. And while most can acknowledge that fact, there is still a large portion of the fanbase that has simply grown tired of constant complaints. “Look, I get it. I would also like to see my favorite team get more support from ownership,” said Carl Miller of Robbinsdale before rolling a smoke bomb down the stairs by Target Field Station. “And guess what, I understand why a baby cries on an airplane. It doesn’t mean I can’t find it annoying as hell.” The battle between the two sides came to blows a few weeks ago when a group of radical Twins’ apologists captured one of the protesters calling for a coup of the team, and hung him from the flag pole in right field by his underwear. It took three days to get the imprisoned man down, as all of the Pohlad detractors had already vowed to not enter the stadium until the team was sold, leaving him isolated behind enemy lines. “If I could talk to Joe Pohlad right now, I’d tell him the exact same thing I told Hardee’s,” Douglas said while painting a fake mustache on the statue of Eloise Pohlad. “If you don’t want to hear me whine about your overpriced, luke-warm food, you shouldn’t have put a liquor store right next to the building.” It’s unclear how that applies to the current conflict, especially given the fact that there isn’t a registered liquor store within a half mile of Target Field. Nevertheless, Douglas’ passion for fighting for his beliefs would be commendable if he weren’t so downright unpleasant on a constant basis. “Oh no, poor little baby is sad because the team he watches once in a blue moon doesn’t sign enough free agents,” Miller said mockingly in a baby voice while paying $27 for one (1) hot dog and one (1) small Pepsi. “Just be an adult and accept mediocrity for your entire life like the rest of us.” It’s unclear what will end this brutal battle between these two factions of Twins fans, but the club is planning to take advantage of the conflict with a new ticket promotion. Fans from either side can purchase a package for $84 that includes a ticket to the game (standing room only, of course), a hat that displays their chosen side (but the anti-ownership hats will mysteriously go missing on the day of the game) and a BOGO Biscuit and Gravy bucket at the nearest Hardee’s. View full article

Sweet Lou is joined by his fellow Zone Coverage writer and friend of the show, Theo Tollefson, to talk about what we've learned about the Twins over the last few weeks, what we still hope to learn in the coming months, and which national broadcaster took their sweet time in a pregame media session. Ol' Gregg was MIA, as was Comrade Cody No-Schoenmann. Listen using Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-twins-off-daily-podcast/id1741266056 Listen using Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4tb78XlurcPTYYSsARdbD7 Listen using iHeartRadio: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/263-the-twins-off-daily-podcas-167548600/ Listen using Pocket Casts: https://pca.st/nvclbt0w Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@twinsdaily View full article

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics “It's what he would've wanted,” said little Suzie Romero, a six-year-old from St. Paul who made the trek to Target Field after news broke of her favorite player being traded away from the Twins. “Wherever you are, Jhoan, I hope you can see this.” She then illuminated the flashlight on her iPhone 16 and placed it in a little plastic Dixie cup holder. Her mom picked her up, and the two held their lights toward the smoky night sky. Those lights joined a few hundred more as a tribute to former Twins closer Jhoan Duran, who was traded to the Philadelphia Phillies on Wednesday afternoon for two prospects. The Twins haven't announced if they've included his riveting entrance music and accompanying light show in the deal. Rumor has it they were hoping to recoup some monetary value for that as a throw-in. “She’s never going to be able to listen to Guaracha music without thinking of him again,” said Maria, Suzie's mother, with a single tear running down her cheek. “She must feel Incomprendido, indeed.” The Twins opened the doors for this vigil out of the goodness of their hearts during their fanbase’s time of emotional need, and some clever marketing allowed them to reap that ever-important extra concession and merchandise sales. They offered beer at a rate of $5.90 per ounce (a reference to Duran’s jersey number with the Twins), and they even had a BOGO relief pitcher deal (buy one get one free pitchers of best-selling taps, also a reference to the fact that multiple other bullpen pieces will be gone via trade within the next 24 hours). The tribute concluded with a 21-gun T-shirt cannon salute and TC Bear’s massive red Twins flag being flown at half-staff. View full article

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Sweet Lou and Comrade Cody are joined by friend of the show Brock Beauchamp, and they let out some steam after yet another heartbreaking loss. They outline some potential blockbuster deals that could happen by next week's trade deadline, and they play a round of 20 questions. Oh, and they try to estimate Ol' Gregg's trade value on the open market. Listen using Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-twins-off-daily-podcast/id1741266056 Listen using Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4tb78XlurcPTYYSsARdbD7 Listen using iHeartRadio: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/263-the-twins-off-daily-podcas-167548600/ Listen using Pocket Casts: https://pca.st/nvclbt0w Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@twinsdaily View full article

Walker JenkinsLuke KeaschallEmmanuel RodriguezKaelen CulpepperBrandon WinokurConnor PrielippCharlee SotoDasan HillGabriel GonzalezMarek HoustonQuentin YoungMarco RayaAndrew MorrisRiley QuickKyle DeBargeCJ CulpepperBilly AmickEduardo BeltreKhadim DiawRicardo Olivar

Walker JenkinsLuke KeaschallEmmanuel RodriguezKaelen CulpepperBrandon WinokurConnor PrielippCharlee SotoDasan HillGabriel GonzalezMarek HoustonQuentin YoungMarco RayaAndrew MorrisRiley QuickKyle DeBargeCJ CulpepperBilly AmickEduardo BeltreKhadim DiawRicardo Olivar

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics Below is a rundown of six different trade offers that the Twins have received for their rotation superstar, Joe Ryan. It was leaked when Sweet Lou Hennessy was accidentally included in a Signal group chat with top decision makers within the Twins’ baseball operations department. The Twins have declined to comment on the record, but they assured the public that Hennessy would not be welcomed back to the Target Field press box unless he starts bringing treats again. Jon Morosi of MLB.com insists the Twins would need to be blown away with an offer if they were to part with Ryan. And while the offers that were leaked certainly blow, the Twins appear wise in their decision to hold off on trading their best starting pitcher (for the time being, at least). Here are the potential deals that they left on the table: New York Yankees - The Bronx bombers were one of the first teams to call on Ryan, and their offer reportedly centered on Clint Frazier and Miguel Andujar. It’s a bizarre proposition, as neither of these two sluggers are still in their organization. and one is out of professional ball altogether. Rationale for Rejection: The Twins were enticed, but ultimately felt like making this trade would send their organization back to 2017, when this trade package was first floated by New York rubes on Twitter. Plus, the mere thought of Ryan donning Yankee pinstripes is enough to make Twins Territory’s randiest fans collapse into themselves like a dying star. Oh, and acquiring Frazier would go against the Twins’ strict “no redheads” rule that was implemented after the S*m Dys*n fiasco. Boston Red Sox - The Sox’ interest in Ryan has been well-documented since a handful of their scouts descended upon Target Field over the last few weeks. Their presence hasn’t exactly been a secret, as they’ve left a trail of Dunkin’ Donuts cups and wrappers in their wake. Their offer centered on a couple B-level prospects and a promise to stop making fun of the Twins for cutting David Ortiz more than two decades ago. Rationale: The Twins declined this offer, mostly to get the loud, obnoxious "chowda heads" to finally leave them alone. Like, seriously, we all love Bill Burr. Stop trying to be Bill Burr. Cincinnati Reds - Their initial offer for Ryan has to go down as one of the biggest trades in professional sports history. Knowing that the Reds and Twins have linked up on multiple occasions and have an affinity for similar player types, the Redlegs offered an unprecedented full-team swap for the two clubs. Yes, Ryan would be the centerpiece of a deal that includes 51 other players. Rationale: The Twins balked at this offer, not only because the Reds only find themselves a couple games ahead of the Twins anyway, but because it would be a logistical nightmare trying to make travel arrangements for so many players. Mike Herman, the Twins’ Director of Team Travel, threatened to push TC Bear off of the Truly On Deck balcony if this offer had been accepted. Tampa Bay Rays - Ryan’s former club made a late offer that included Nelson Cruz along with former Twin Zack Littell. However, the Twins turned that down. Rationale: “No backsies!” - Derek Falvey Chicago White Sox - The pale hose made the first trade offer of its kind just before the break, offering new owner Justin Ishbia in exchange for Joe Ryan. Loyal KFAN zombies were licking their chops at the thought of new ownership, as the Pohlad family has seemingly plagued their every waking moment for the last 30-plus years, but the Twins ultimately declined. Rationale: The Twins did a lot of introspection and self-analysis when their fling with Ishbia ended in heartbreak back in March. They were ready to jump head-first into a real relationship, but instead they were forced to watch as their biggest suitor rekindled things with his ex down in Chicago. Declining to revisit that part of their past wasn’t the decision that the Twins wanted, but it was the one they needed, and now they can move on after accepting that closure. Chicago Cubs - The Cubbies offered the Twins Minnesota-natives Michael Busch and Caleb Thielbar, along with their top pitching prospect coming into the year, Cade Horton, who currently sports a 4.45 ERA across ten big league starts. It’s by far the most realistic offer on this list, but the Twins still turned them down. Rationale: It’s a very strong offer, certainly, but the Twins didn’t like the idea of making the Cubs any better. Pretty much everything in the world has sucked since the last time they won the World Series in the fall of 2016, and the world would be a better place if the Cubs were cursed again. View full article

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics It’s the dog days of summer. Just ask John Bonnes and his family. “Adding our new dog Rosa to our household has been such a treat. It’s so fulfilling to be able to provide a home to such a tender soul,” said Bonnes while cleaning his kitchen floor for the third time today. “And that’s part of the reason why we decided to do it all over again with sweet Eddie. Don’t get used to that name though, we’re mulling a few other ideas.” He’s referring to Twins slugger Edouard Julien, who the Bonnes family rescued from the local pound in Lowertown St. Paul over the weekend. He was once a budding cornerstone to the Major League lineup, but it’s almost as if the club decided to give him up when his training went off the rails. His aloof demeanor was also cited as a reason for his abandonment, as well as his penchant for rolling around in the grass on a near-daily basis. “Look, we liked Edouard a lot. Edouard is a good boy. But at the end of the day, he’s not the breed of competitor that we were looking for,” said Twins president Derek Falvey as he painted over Julien’s name on a water dish - now showing the name Kody crudely scribbled on top. “We have a few young pups that have frankly lapped him when it comes to situational hitting, fielding at the keystone position and even potty training.” To his credit, Julien has started to turn it on at the Triple-A level, and he currently sports an .837 OPS with the Saints. He’s showing that he’s very good with commands like “walk” (19.8% walk rate), and he’s even reining in on “chase” (a six percent drop in swings on pitches outside of the strikezone). Despite that solid production, the Twins just don’t seem to have confidence in this French-Canadian Poodle, instead opting to leave him behind in St. Paul at multiple opportunities. For now, the Bonnes family has set up a laundry basket with a few old blankets in their linen closet for Julien to sleep in overnight. They’re hoping to find more space for him in the near future, but Rosa the dog will get first dibs on any new sleeping arrangements. As far as what he’ll eat, the shelter suggested a diet of grain-free kibble and steamed veggies - a clear upgrade over what minor league players are fed in today’s economy. “When I saw those big droopy eyes staring back at me through his shaggy mop head at the shelter, I knew the decision was already made. That jawn was coming home with us,” said Chrissie Bonnes, the matriarch of House Bonnes, and John’s full-time handler. “We’ll definitely want to give him a bath right when we get home due to the fleas, but we have Aaron Gleeman over like three times a week so we’re used to spraying the place down on a regular basis as is.” As far as what comes next for the Bonnes family making additions to their family, it’ll depend on how Rosa and Eddie react to their new home, as well as how long the current Twins skid goes on. With some tough opponents on the horizon, there could be a few other young sluggers looking for new homes sooner rather than later. “I have a big heart. Sue me,” said John as he loaded Julien into the trunk of his hatchback. “Who knows, we might need to make room at the condo for some of the other pooches struggling to establish a home at Target Field. Does DaShawn Bonnes have a nice ring to it?” View full article

Walker JenkinsLuke KeaschallEmmanuel RodriguezKaelen CulpepperBrandon WinokurCharlee SotoDasan HillConnor PrielippAndrew MorrisKyle DeBargeBilly AmickGabriel GonzalezEduardo BeltreCJ CulpepperCory LewisMarco RayaRicardo OlivarKhadim DiawDanny De AndradeNoah Cardenas

Walker JenkinsLuke KeaschallEmmanuel RodriguezKaelen CulpepperBrandon WinokurCharlee SotoDasan HillConnor PrielippAndrew MorrisKyle DeBargeBilly AmickGabriel GonzalezEduardo BeltreCJ CulpepperCory LewisMarco RayaRicardo OlivarKhadim DiawDanny De AndradeNoah Cardenas

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics With the tremendous box office success of Final Destination: Bloodlines, the newest installment of the popular horror-thriller franchise, it appears Hollywood is readying itself for another trip around the block. Warner Bros. is reportedly considering another chapter in the coming years, one that will focus around a handful of star players on the Minnesota Twins, who try to avoid succumbing to ridiculous, over-the-top, almost unbelievable injuries throughout their season. “When we saw some of the truly bonkers fan speculation regarding the real Twins injuries, we knew we had something,” said a spokesperson for the studio. “Sure, it’s scummy to make light of someone else’s health and wellbeing, but we need to make a profit somehow, and it sure ain’t coming from the rest of the slop on our release schedule.” The next FD installment is currently being called Final Destination: Foul Lines, and has a tentative release date of July 17th, 2029. They’re targeting a budget of roughly $135 million - a roughly 10% decrease from that of its predecessor despite being a smash hit. “We have to right-size our business,” said the spokesperson when asked to comment on the hit. “The added responsibility is going to fall on our genius writing team, who have blessed us with such monumental stunts as ‘man gets head run over by lawnmower’ or my beloved ‘man gets chopped in half the long way by falling elevator.’ We need to let them cook.” The Twins versions of these scenes will not be as violent as the older versions, but certainly just as unbelievable. Here are some of the leaked set-pieces being designed for Foul Lines: Byron Buxton chases after a fly ball that is just about to clear the wall, he climbs the fence and makes a fantastic catch, but falls onto DaShawn Keirsey Jr. Buxton’s earring then gets tangled in Keirsey’s nose ring, and the two injure themselves as they try to throw the ball back into the cutoff man. Brooks Lee accidentally leaves a ping pong ball on the ground beside the new table in the clubhouse. Carlos Correa slips on the ball and falls onto the ping pong table, which then folds in half, crushing the Twins’ slugger. Willi Castro tears his oblique as he tries to free Correa. Joe Ryan trips over the fallen Castro as he rushes to the nearest stall (he got another bout of the Chipotle flu). Carson McCusker's bat slips out of his hands during an at-bat again, this time soaring through the air and impaling TC Bear in the outfield bleachers. Jose Miranda somehow hurts his hand while catching a case of water bottles in the Target parking lot. Note: this concept was deemed to be comically unrealistic, but is still being floated as a farfetched reasoning behind his slow start to the season. Time will tell whether these scenes would present a notable enough draw for moviegoers and resident Twins sickos alike. “I’ll give them this, there’s nothing scarier than being a Twins fan,” said Twins Daily’s own Greggory Masterson while driving directly behind a rickety, overfilled logging truck. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to swerve right into this guy’s blind spot as we skid on the wet road that’s coming to a sharp curve up ahead. How much do you wanna bet this guy’s a Guardians fan?” View full article

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics The recent turnaround to the Twins’ season is turning heads, not only from their fans, but from the rubber-neckers passing by the site of a recent crash involving the team’s bandwagon. “There were just so many people jumping on that thing now that the club has found their groove,” said one of the longtime-riders who was ejected from the vehicle upon contact. “I don’t think the new riders understand that this thing ain’t got no brakes.” The jalopy was sparsely-ridden for much of the 2025 season as the Twins struggled to find their offensive stroke. But with the club riding a heater in recent weeks, a sizable amount of fair-weather fans have taken to jumping on the bandwagon while they still can. “I don’t think it’s fair to call me a fair-weather fan, I’m a lifelong fan who simply chooses to drop my fandom when the team isn’t making me immediately happy,” said Twitter user VikingsLover10251985 (whose birthday definitely isn’t October 25th, 1985). “Also, I only want to be a fan when the weather is nicer. That doesn’t mean I'm fair-weathered!” He, along with a slew of casuals have been piling on the Twins bandwagon for the last week or so, when the club’s offense started showing enough consistency to pull the club into a winning record. The club finally seemed to be living up to the pre-season expectation that was set for them to compete for another division crown. Things were running smoothly, until the driver of the bandwagon became distracted, and the momentum of such a full transport caused the whole vehicle to crash into a line of parked cars along Hennepin Avenue. That driver was none other than Twins Daily’s own Greggory Masterson, who was distracted by a pedestrian that he believed to be his favorite actress, Salma Hayek. “Look, I know I should take some ownership of this, but I’m not the one who decided to jump on this bucket of bolts once it was already firmly set in motion,” said Masterson as he kept looking around for the distracting pedestrian. “And please don’t tell my wife what happened. Tell her I only crashed in an effort to save a local kitten orphanage or something. I don’t know. Make something up.” It does not appear that any of the injured passengers will require too much medical treatment, but if the Twins return to their losing ways, look for many of them to start complaining almost immediately. View full article

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics “The truth is. . .” said Twins’ shortstop Carlos Correa in front of a packed media scrum on Wednesday morning. “I’m back.” The slugger was coming off of a dominant game the night before, where he smacked a 458-foot wallop over the left field wall for his first home run at Target Field this year. It put a crooked number on the board for the Twins, and left many wondering where this sudden power surge came from. “I went to see Thunderbolts* in the theater a couple times this weekend, and now I’m finally feeling how I want to feel,” Correa said while donning a custom-made Red Guardian mask. “It was just so refreshing to get one in the sweet spot after so many recent duds.” He was then asked to clarify if he was referring to the home run or to the studio’s new feature film that made $76 million at the domestic box office over the weekend. “Oh, yeah I guess the homer was nice. Cool moment. Felt good to help the team,” Correa said somewhat dully before springing back to giddy excitement. “And speaking about teams, how about that squad of lovable losers in Thunderbolts*? Have you seen it yet? Don’t talk to me again until you’ve seen it.” The gargantuan home run matched the longest of Correa’s Twins career. This happened after his seventh-longest Marvel movie marathon that started on Friday in Boston and wrapped up roughly 20 minutes before first pitch on Tuesday. Some of the numbers under the hood also reflect a pretty direct correlation between Correa’s on-field performance and his time spent watching Marvel content. His OPS+ in May of 2023 was the highest of his illustrious career, and just so happened to coincide with the theatrical release of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. III. Even last month, his average exit velocity improved with the release of each episode of Daredevil: Born Again. “It’s been a long and winding road, that’s for sure, and I trust that the people in charge are making the necessary calls to get everyone where they want to go. But at the same time, there’s always just so many moving pieces and that can really complicate things,” Correa said, once again referring to the Marvel Cinematic Universe and not his own team. “Like, where was Spider-Man during all this? Thor? Captain Marvel? Where is everyone?” Time will tell how long Correa’s PSE (Popeye-Spinach Effect) will last this time around, but his next opportunity for a boost will take place in late-July with the release of Fantastic Four: First Steps. View full article

“I was hacked!” exclaimed Sweet Lou Hennessy while being pelted with rotten tomatoes. Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics A recent parody article was released on Twins Daily this week, which ruffled many feathers due to its subject material and general tone-deafness. But the writer in the byline is trying to save face with an investigation into the matter, and he might just be justified in his qualms. An inquisition into the article has revealed that the perpetrator of such a senseless piece of half-baked writing was actually none other than TC Bear, the longtime mascot of the Minnesota Twins. “Of course I would never write anything so ill-timed and tasteless,” said Lou Hennessy while sitting in time out. “The world is obviously still mourning Pope Francis’s tragic passing. It would be idiotic to release something like this so soon after his death.” Hennessy is known for writing content for Twins Daily that is both unfunny and tacky, but this was a step too far according to many readers. “This guy is a hack and his sense of humor has always rubbed me the wrong way,” said a commenter with the username Forgive&Forget8791. “Now would be a perfect time for Twins Daily to cut ties with this loser. And the Twins should fire Rocco too, while we’re on the topic.” Hennessy was made aware of the article that went out with his name attached when nobody would sit with him in the Twins Daily cafeteria during the lunch hour on Thursday afternoon. So he did some digging into the matter, and discovered that the piece was posted while he was attending morning mass at the Basilica of St. Mary, as he does each and every day. Hennessy then checked the security footage from his St. Paul compound, and discovered the Twins’ mascot had snuck into his home office and posted the indelicate parody in his name. TC Bear’s decision to frame Hennessy likely stems from the ongoing feud between the mascot and the hosts of the equally tacky Twins Off-Daily Podcast, which has tragically gained considerable popularity in recent weeks. “Look, I’ve been known to say stupid things that leave me eating crow, but even I know this was tactless,” said Hennessy as he applied his sad clown makeup. “I’m really sorry that I was attached at all, and I hope those that were offended by this mishap can practice the forgiveness that Pope Francis demonstrated every day of his incredible and inspirational life. I’ll make sure nothing this stupid is ever posted on the site again.” As for TC Bear, authorities raided his den early on Friday and took him into custody. A substitute will don his backup costume for the series against the Angels while he awaits trial. “I thought I finally had Sweet Lou in a corner with this one,” said TC Bear as authorities took him away in comically oversized handcuffs. “And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling bloggers and your mangy Geek.” View full article

I wrote this as a Just For Fun article, but clearly it's not fun for a lot of folks. I'm sorry you didn't like it and I'll try to be more thoughtful in the future. I love that Twins Daily mostly let's us write whatever we want, and sometimes it's going to rub people the wrong way. My intention wasn't to poke fun at Pope Francis's expense (may he rest in peace) but rather at the expense of the White Sox. I hope you can put this one behind us and enjoy the rest of the great content on Twins Daily.