RandBalls Stu

'Oh, this happens all the time for everyone, I bet,' said a team spokesperson. Cleveland’s surprise surge to the top of the AL Central has left both fans and media types grasping for an explanation. A weak division with the projected winner struggling. A farm system that’s been exceptional at identifying and developing talent. MVP work from Jose Ramirez. And finding another remarkable talent in the couch cushions. “Terry (Francona, Cleveland Manager) was looking for the TV remote in the clubhouse couch during Spring Training,” said a team source. “He was rummaging and rummaging and then just like that, here’s (Cleveland closer) Emmanuel Clase. We ran him out there and now he’s helping us steal a game from the Twins.” As competitors like Minnesota have struggled for decades to develop pitchers, Cleveland’s success stands in stark contrast. “We found Zach Plesac wandering around Cedar Point, playing carnival games,” said a team spokesperson. “One of our scouts was reaching in his pocket for his keys and pulled out Shane Bieber. A clubhouse attendant bought a hope chest at an estate sale and Corey Kluber was inside.” When told this string of obscene fortune was beyond comprehension, the spokesperson disagreed. “I think a lot of major league teams have strapping young farmhands stop by the stadium to see if they can help with the harvest, like we did with Jim Thome,” said the spokesperson.” This happens all the time for everyone, I bet.” Sources close to the Minnesota Twins confirmed that this has never happened to the franchise, except for when New Prague hobby farmer Junior Ortiz got lost on his way to Frattalone’s Hardware and played catcher for the 1990 and 1991 Twins. Ortiz won a World Series title before realizing the Metrodome did not have potting soil and Ron Gardenhire was not a lawn gnome. View full article

With fans demanding the prospect’s return to the majors, many wonder what season-ending injury comes next. Royce Lewis showed incredible promise when he finally got the call to join an injury-ravaged Minnesota Twins squad this spring. He played so well there was an almost universal demand to bring him back from Triple-A St. Paul when he got sent down, regardless of what position he would play. The result: the outcry worked, Lewis was recalled, and the shortstop immediately ran into a wall and partially tore his ACL while playing center field. With that in mind, Twins outfield prospect Alex Kirilloff is tearing up Triple-A pitching after a year and change of battling a wrist injury. Supporters are wondering when he’ll return to the bigs and in what manner he’ll smoothly transition to the IL the rest of the season. “I think it’ll be something weird,” said Trev Homan, a season ticket holder from Burnsville. “Remember when Marty Cordova got sunburned in the tanning booth? Something like that. The escalator he’s on stops moving suddenly, he falls and breaks three ribs. He gets scurvy or some disease that only pirates used to get." Others say the wrist will flare up again. “I just assume he’ll step into the box for his first at-bat back with Minnesota and a fastball is gonna run up on him and hit him square in the wrist,” said Dan Hayes, who writes about the Twins and Target Field neighborhood bar culture for The Athletic. “Feels inevitable. That or he slices a tendon on Aaron (Gleeman, fellow Athletic writer)’s neck fan.” Kirilloff’s oncoming setback is also providing valuable teaching moments for local families. “My son Cale came home crying from a playdate yesterday,” said Kristin Prager, a Minneapolis-based accountant and lifelong Minnesotan. “I asked him what was wrong, and he said that an older kid was making fun of him for being excited about Alex Kirilloff coming back. I told Cale that sometimes bullies have a point. Don’t be excited. Let your soul wither and die. Optimism is your enemy. Misery is your birthright as a Minnesotan. Expect nothing and then expect it to get worse. “He’s only 8, but he understood. He put down his Gatorade and asked if he could have some black coffee, no cream, no sugar. I could almost see some bags starting to form beneath his eyes. My little man is growing up.” View full article

An event rare enough to challenge Halley’s Comet or a Superwolf Blood Moon occurred Wednesday evening. The Minnesota Twins beat the brakes off the New York Yankees 8-1, in a game so lopsided that normally superstitious Twins fans were seen smiling as they left the game in the 7th inning to beat traffic out of Ramp B on a weeknight. Twins Daily spoke with local citizens and tastemakers about the experience. Jimmy Trueheart, Young Child with Fear and Distant Wonder in His Eyes: Papa told me that sometimes good things happen to bad people. When we beat the Yankees to death and left them screaming on the side of a gravel road on Wednesday night, I asked Papa, “Are we the bad people now?” Papa said, “No, son. Some folks deserve to scream on the side of a gravel road on a Wednesday night. The sinner reaps that which he sows. A great culling awaits. Mostly for (The Athletic’s Aaron) Gleeman.” I like chocolate. Fred Marsters, Frequent Internet Commenter: Why are people happy? They’ve lost one million games to the Yankees. Enjoying one victory, much less anything ever, betrays an obvious lack of critical thinking or needed context. My wife left me. Collin Roberts, Usher: Watching Yankees fans file out of the stadium, reeking of imported cologne and $14 domestic lagers, has convinced me to return to church this Sunday. Rocco Baldelli, Manager: So everyone talks about the Phish Halloween shows as being for newbies to the whole Phish experience, but I always say the more the merrier. It’s a communal vibe. They’re for everyone. Listen to the 1994 show where they do the White Album. Glen Falls. It’s a whole ‘nother level, brother. ‘Glass Onion’ alone is price of admission stuff. What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah, Yankees. Good win, guys did great. Dana Wessel, FM Radio Personality: Remember when the lawyer in Jurassic Park got ate? My dude was on the toilet! Chompjection, your honor! Terry Nelson, Suburban Hockey Fan from Blaine or Woodbury: I heard thugs check your ID at the Target Field gate to make sure you’re woke enough to attend a game and if they don’t mug you on the spot, they let you in, but still burn your car and make your daughters listen to hip-hop. My penis doesn’t work, and it has never worked. Winston, a Black Lab Dog: My owners were high-fiving the entire night and killed an entire box of wine. I saw a squirrel outside the bay window in the 6th inning who was clearly an immediate threat, and the owners chose to kennel me and continue watching the game. Humans are a mystery to me. Squirrels must die. Glenn Hauer, Longtime Twins Fan: I enjoyed it 100% because if history is any guide, the Yankees will resume crushing our hopes and dreams on Thursday. View full article

‘The jury is still out on this vaccine,' he said, wobbling over the putt on 17. Multiple unvaccinated Twins players must sit out this weekend’s series in Toronto due to Canada’s COVID policies. While the medical community almost universally hails the efficacy of the vaccines, the worst doctor we could find thinks the Twins are getting a raw deal. Dr. Gary Van Lowe, a retired family physician from Chanhassen, says the players (Max Kepler, Caleb Thielbar, Emilio Pagan, and Trevor Megill) are probably in better shape than their vaccinated teammates. “I was doing my own research just this morning,” said Van Lowe, “And realvaccinetruth.biz said the vaccines have little microchips in them that allows the government to turn you into a human microwave. I got right up off the toilet to see if any of that was in the newspaper. Not a word.” The 61-year-old, whose frequent malpractice settlements earned him the nickname “Mal” from Fairview Southdale's attorneys, said the lack of further media coverage points to a larger conspiracy. “I don’t think they’re doing this just to screw over the Twins in a critical road series,” said Van Lowe, nursing his “seventh or eighth” Mich Golden Light on the 17th tee box at Deer Run in Victoria. “Could it be to mess with the Vikings and Wild, too? Good luck finding that out in the Red Star (sic) from Michael Bland (sic).” Van Lowe, who left medicine in 2015 after a series of lurid sexual harassment accusations from fellow doctors, nurses, and the entire front of house staff at the Eden Prairie Buca di Beppo, now runs a medical consultancy firm for insurance companies looking to deny benefits. “The jury is still out on this vaccine,” he said, wobbling over a putt on 17. “All I know is that Betty White was perfectly healthy before she got the jab. Makes you think.” Van Lowe ended the interview in order to ask the beer cart driver if she needed a ride home. View full article

“He should be playing every day, because otherwise he’s hurting the team. But he should be benched, because otherwise he’s hurting the team. I am in a real pickle here.” Unlikable Chaska man Barry Daniel is stumped. It seems like only yesterday that Daniel was irritating his co-workers and a Dunn Bros. barista by loudly proclaiming that Byron Buxton can’t be an MVP, because MVPs play every day. “He came in here, looked at someone reading the sports section, and said ‘Byron Buxton isn’t even the best outfielder on the team, much less baseball, if he isn't in the lineup every day,’” said Alicia Voss, shift supervisor at the Chaska Dunn Bros. outlet. “I don’t even watch sports, and the customer reading the paper had his AirPods in. There was no audience for this. None. "Also, he didn’t tip and made a point of holding up the line to tell me his philosophy about why.” A little more than a week later, Buxton is mired in a 0-for-26 slump and could probably stand a rest day or two to work on whatever’s malfunctioning. There is no such option for Daniel, who hasn’t been invited to the last seven Daniel family Christmases. “What am I supposed to do with this,” pleaded Daniel. “Clearly, he needs to be sent to the minors or benched for Zach Granite, but I just said he needs to be in the lineup every day. I don’t know him personally, but it’s hard not to think he’s doing this to his critics on purpose.” Daniel, who predicted the cryptocurrency crash by accident and is now urging other Star Tribune Facebook commenters to “buy the dip,” despite not knowing what cryptocurrency is or what “buy the dip” means, is left to find his own path out of this dilemma. “He should be playing every day, because otherwise he’s hurting the team. But he should be benched, because otherwise he’s hurting the team. I am in a real pickle here. It shows a lack of professionalism from both Buxton and the Twins.” View full article

'I’ve never been more angry,' said Bradford. With the Minnesota Twins holding a surprisingly sturdy lead in the American League Central, it’s no wonder that the team’s fans have some strong words about their unexpected success. “It is absurd to me that they treat Byron Buxton with kid gloves,” said Hank Winters, 67, a retired bank executive. “Harmon Killebrew played every day and he’s in the Hall of Fame. Buxton may as well just work for the government. Sick of this.” The Twins lead the heavily favored and godless Chicago White Sox by three games after a rocky 4-8 start. They're on pace to win a stunning 94 games. This playoff-worthy effort has given the fanbase plenty to talk about. “Royce Lewis hits the cover off the ball and you send him to Triple-A,” said Beck Bradford, 41, a youth volleyball coordinator from Castle Rock Township. “Miranda can’t hit a bull in the ass with a handful of sand and Correa won’t even be here next year. But the boy geniuses (Twins executives Derek Falvey and Thad Levine) looked at the algorithms and said, ‘Nope, Royce, you go over to St. Paul, grab a stool at Alary’s, get comfortable. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’ “I’ve never been more angry,” added Bradford. Minnesota’s 22-16 record can be chalked up to several factors, perhaps none more important than the bullpen, which has been asked to do a lot with the starters still rounding themselves into shape after the lockout-shortened spring. This has not gone unnoticed. “Chris Paddack is already going under the knife for Tommy John and we have no consistent closer,” said Tamara Kapsner, 49, a car salesperson in Robbinsdale. “Meanwhile, Taylor Rogers is going to the All-Star Game. If I made that kind of deal at my job they wouldn’t have to fire me, I’d just throw my [EXPLETIVE] in a box and go. Great call. Super.” With the team’s schedule remarkably soft over the next couple weeks, the chance for Minnesota to put some space between them and the rest of the Central has people talking. “I never took PTO in 27 years at TCF (Bank),” said Winters. “Because I had a work ethic. Did I miss birthdays and graduations and custody hearings and my third marriage? Yes. All of them. Cry more, Byron.” “Spreadsheet oughta be manager, not Rocco (Baldelli),” said Bradford. “Bleep boop, pivot table, bench Correa, he’s played one game in a row, might hurt himself again.” “May as well just trade (Jhoan) Duran for (retired former Twin) Mike Pelfrey,” said Kapsner. “Disgusting. Pohlads should’ve contracted them when they had the chance.” View full article

Teams hopes to make do with "the big kids" from local schools and playgrounds. Injuries are having a major impact across baseball, as teams scramble to field healthy rosters and make constant transactions with their minor league affiliates. No team has been more affected than the Minnesota Twins, who announced Thursday that they are placing their entire 40-man roster on the 10-day injured list. “We were almost halfway there already,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “And given how banged up our quote-unquote healthy guys are, it felt like the right move.” To take their place, the Twins are relying on a forgotten World War I-era rule that allowed teams to backfill rosters with “strapping farmhands, eccentrics, spinsters, and gifted children from the area as our stout young lads take it to the Kaiser” in an emergency. Sources say Major League Baseball leadership is furious, but their hands are tied. “It was only meant to apply when players got drafted or volunteered for military service,” said a source close to MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “We now realize the vague wording gives teams like Minnesota some wiggle room. Unfortunately, the rule is very specific about the only person who can nullify the rule: Woodrow Wilson, who has died.” The Twins are said to be scouting local high schools, rec centers, and playgrounds for “big kids” who could handle the physical rigors of professional baseball and give Minnesota a chance to compete in the wide-open AL Central. “One of our scouts saw a kid named Cotter playing pick-up basketball at a park in northeast Minneapolis,” said Baldelli. “He was a good 4-5 inches taller than all these rickety dad types he was playing against. Just dominating them. Long story short he’s playing first base Friday and Saturday. He has Confirmation at his church on Sunday so we might build in a rest day, we’ll see how things develop.” As for why the team is not using their own minor leaguers, Baldelli was uncharacteristically blunt. “Fuel costs make all these call-ups crazy expensive, and a lot of these kids already have bus passes or a parent with a Honda Odyssey for carpooling. Also, the rest of the month we play Cleveland, Oakland, Kansas City, and Detroit. If we fielded a team of dogs in people clothes, we might go .500.” View full article

'For $35/month, we envision a mix of live sports and all-new episodes of Tim Laudner’s Street Justice.' With news that Bally Sports North is close to finally offering a subscription service for local sports fans, rumors are swirling that a premium version will soon be available. “The outcry for a non-cable, non-satellite option for local sports fans is undeniable,” said a BSN executive who requested anonymity. “We also know that there’s an appetite for a premium experience. Our goal is to provide a bespoke product for every level of consumer.” Although details on the available tiers are unconfirmed, multiple sources say there are four options being discussed: BSN Basic: $20/month, Twins/Wolves/Wild/Lynx/United games available on tape delay no sooner than 72 hours after the live event; however, you must submit a written request to the Bally Sports North offices in Minneapolis to watch it. “Politeness will be a plus,” noted one source. BSN Basic Plus: $25/month, one live event per week. The event will not be telecast but rather described by a feral Kevin Lynch off his cell phone's Twitter feed. BSN Platinum: $35/month, all live events streamed as they happen unless there are blackout rules, conflicts with new episodes of Tim Laudner’s Street Justice, or BSN just calls it a weekend early and heads to the lake. BSN The Laudner Level: $40/month, all episodes of Tim Laudner's Street Justice available on demand, plus exclusive behind-the-scenes footage exclusive to BSN The Laudner Level subscribers. No live sports, but they will share all Athletic promo subscription offers they see online. “There’s a lot of noise out there about people wanting to watch the Twins or the Wild live, but our market research indicates the consumer really values choice,” said the BSN executive. “If they have the option to watch a World Series champ take the law into his own hands on an all-new episode of Tim Laudner’s Street Justice, then we think they’ll choose our Platinum or Laudner Level services. This week Tim busts some kids who are rearranging letters on the Lakeville Dairy Queen marquee to say 'PENIS.' Tough stuff, powerful.” When asked if they envision a streaming tier that would contain only live, local sports, the executive laughed for 17 minutes straight. View full article

'And then Grandpa said that if a batter gets a home run when the bases are loaded, they call it a grand slam. I love it when he tells me his stories.’ Rowan Landskog, 6, loves it when his grandfather Bill Landskog comes over to read him bedtime stories. He especially loves it when the stories are in the realm of the fantastic and unbelievable, with tales of monsters and Martians sending him to sleep. Lately, the stories have taken an even more outrageous turn, as “Grampa Billy” tells his baseball-crazy grandson about the legend of the Minnesota Twins offense. “Grampa Billy said the Minnesota Twins used to hit a bunch of dingers,” said the junior Landskog, who lives with his mother in Stillwater. “He says they would hit them all the time and score a bunch of points. Wow!” The elder Landskog usually starts his reading shift with Dr. Seuss, moves on to Shel Silverstein or Where the Wild Things Are, then completes his duties by reading the Baseball Reference page for the 2019 Minnesota Twins. “Grampa said that when I was in preschool the Twins set the record for home runs,” said an astonished Rowan. “I think he knew I didn't believe him but he swore it was true." The kindergartner was especially awestruck by a new term he learned last night. “He told me a fun story about a friendly dragon who saved a pretty princess,” said an excited Rowan, his eyes filled with wonder. “And then Grampa Billy said that if a batter gets a home run when the bases are loaded, they call it a grand slam, and that the Twins have done it a lot! I love it when he tells me his crazy stories.” The storytelling grandfather was unavailable for comment but could be overheard issuing a series of expletives at his car radio when the Twins hit into their second double play during Thursday afternoon’s game against Kansas City. View full article

Stu took the week off so he handed the Friday content reins over to the late playwright Samuel Beckett. Turns out he's a real ball guy! MINNIE: Nothing to be done. PAUL: I'm beginning to come ‘round to that opinion. All this time I've tried to put it from me, saying Paul, be reasonable, he hasn't yet tried everything. And I resumed the struggle. So, there you are again. MINNIE: Am I? PAUL: I'm glad to see you back. I thought after the lockout you were gone forever. MINNIE: Me too. PAUL: Together again at last! We'll have to celebrate this. But how? Get up till I embrace you. MINNIE: Not now, not now. PAUL: May one inquire where His Highness spent the night? MINNIE: In a ditch. PAUL: A ditch! Where? MINNIE: Over there. PAUL: And they didn't beat you? MINNIE: Beat me? Certainly they beat me. PAUL: The same lot as usual? MINNIE: The same? Yankees, Dodgers, I don't know. PAUL: When I think of it…all these years…but for me…where would you be…you'd be nothing more than a little heap of bones at the present minute, no doubt about it. MINNIE: And what of it? PAUL: It's too much for one man. On the other hand, what's the good of losing heart now, that's what I say. We should have thought of it a million years ago, in the nineties. MINNIE: Ah stop blathering and help me off with this bloody thing. (MINNIE gestures at his Dairy Queen promotional Twins batting helmet.) PAUL: Hand in hand from the top of the Foshay Tower, among the first. We were respectable in those days. Now it's too late. They wouldn't even let us up. What are you doing? MINNIE: Taking off my helmet. Did that never happen to you? PAUL: Helmets must be taken off every day, I'm tired telling you that. Why don't you listen to me? MINNIE: Help me! PAUL: It hurts? MINNIE: Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts! PAUL: No one ever suffers but you. I don't count. I'd like to hear what you'd say if you had what I have. MINNIE: It hurts? PAUL: Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts! MINNIE: (MINNIE points at PAUL's Menards promotional Twins baseball pants) You might button it all the same. PAUL: True. (PAUL buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life. MINNIE: What do you expect, you always wait till the last moment. PAUL: The last moment…hope deferred maketh the something sick, who said that? MINNIE: Why don't you help me? PAUL: Sometimes I feel it coming all the same. Then I go all “maybe this is the year he’s consistent all season long.” How shall I say? Relieved and at the same time…appalled. AP-PALLED. Funny. Nothing to be done. Well? MINNIE: Nothing. PAUL: Show me. MINNIE: There's nothing to show. PAUL: Try and put it on again. MINNIE: I'll air it for a bit. PAUL: There's man all over for you, blaming on his promotional Dairy Queen batting helmet for the faults of his head. This is getting alarming. Gogo. MINNIE: What? PAUL: Suppose we repented. MINNIE: Repented what? PAUL: Oh. We wouldn't have to go into the details. MINNIE: Our being Minnesota sports fans? (PAUL breaks into a hearty laugh which he immediately stifles, his hand pressed to his careworn Bomba Squad t-shirt, his face contorted.) PAUL: One daren't even laugh any more. MINNIE: Dreadful privation. PAUL: Merely smile. It’s not the same thing. Nothing to be done. Gogo. MINNIE: What is it? PAUL: Did you ever read Baseball Reference? MINNIE: Baseball Reference…I must have taken a look at it. PAUL: Do you remember the Similarity Scores? MINNIE: I remember the Advanced Batting stats. I remember WAR and Win Probability. I remember seeing that his closest comps are Kyle Schwarber and Adam Duvall and Bo Jackson. The very look of it made me thirsty. That's where he'll go, I used to say, that's where he'll go for our postseason. We'll win. We'll be happy. PAUL: You should have been a poet. MINNIE: I was. Isn't that obvious? PAUL: Where was I…how's your head? MINNIE: Swelling visibly. PAUL: Ah yes, the two players. Do you remember the story? MINNIE: No. PAUL: Shall I tell it to you? MINNIE: No. PAUL: It'll pass the time. Two players traded at the same time as our savior. One— MINNIE: Our what? PAUL: Our savior, Joe Mauer. Two players. One is supposed to have been saved and the other…damned. MINNIE: Saved from what? PAUL: Hell. MINNIE: I'm going. PAUL: And yet…how is it –this is not boring you I hope– how is it that of the four beat writers only one speaks of a player being saved. The four of them were there –or thereabouts– and only one speaks of a player being saved. Come on, Gogo, return the ball, can't you, once in a way? MINNIE: I find this really most extraordinarily interesting. PAUL: One out of four. Of the other three, two don't mention any players at all and the third says that both Hardy and Hoey were damned. MINNIE: Who? PAUL: What? MINNIE: What's all this about? Damned how? PAUL: Hoey got optioned. Hardy went to Baltimore. MINNIE: Why? PAUL: Because Hoey couldn't save them. MINNIE: From hell? PAUL: Imbecile! From losing. MINNIE: I thought you said hell. PAUL: From losing, from losing. MINNIE: Well what of it? PAUL: Then the two of them must have been damned. MINNIE: And why not? PAUL: But one of the four says that one of the two was saved. MINNIE: Well? They don't agree and that's all there is to it. PAUL: But all four were there. And only one speaks of a player being saved. Why believe him rather than the others? MINNIE: Who believes him? PAUL: Everybody. It's the only version they know. MINNIE: People are bloody ignorant apes. PAUL: Pah! MINNIE: Charming spot. (MINNIE looks at Twins depth chart.) Inspiring prospects. Let's go. PAUL: We can't. MINNIE: Why not? PAUL: We're waiting for Sano. View full article

"The rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby,” said a manic Falvey. The pace of the Twins offseason went from zero to 100 once the lockout ended, with a flurry of moves by Minnesota’s management duo (President of Baseball Ops Derek Falvey and GM Thad Levine) leading to a radically different opening day lineup. And the pace has not slowed down. Shortly after moving closer Taylor Rogers and prospect Brent Rooker to the Padres for pitchers Chris Paddack and Emilio Pagan, the team announced that they traded team mascot TC Bear to the Jacksonville (FL) Zoo and Gardens. In return, they’re receiving a significant number of snakes, reptiles, and other creatures. “I’m just going to come right out and say that I don’t know what we’re going to do with a half-dozen Burmese pythons,” said Falvey. “But we hadn’t made a trade in a good 2-3 hours, and the rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby!” Levine, who said he hasn’t slept since Monday afternoon, was equally enthused if unclear about the trade. “Do you know if a monitor lizard is cool with letting relievers ride him out of the bullpen,” said Levine. “I don’t want to get on PETA’s radar, but I’ll be honest, I don’t know where we’re going to put him otherwise. GOD I LOVE TRADING, CAN’T BEAT IT.” Neither Falvey nor Levine would comment on the fact that TC Bear is not a real bear, but in fact a person in a pretend bear costume who is being sent to a zoo to live among real bears that will likely visit mind-bending violence upon him. “He’s dealing with it as best he can,” said a source close to the man who wears the costume. “Is it as bad as when (former Twin) Andrelton Simmons demanded to speak to the mayor of the talking bear village where TC Bear lives about repealing their mask mandate? No. Still, the threat of mauling is one he takes seriously.” The team says there are no further moves in the offing, and rumors that Minnesota is trading an old Metrodome urinal trough for a shoebox of expired prescription drugs are unfounded but they're very open to it and would throw in a gently-used Mike Maksudian. View full article

Why will this injury-plagued veteran turn it around in a Minnesota Twins uniform? Because he just has to, alright? You sure ask a lot of questions. I’ve watched countless veterans get a shot to wake up the echoes of past glory for the Minnesota Twins. In a tale as old as time, those veterans simply didn’t have it anymore, be that “it” talent, youth, conditioning, anabolic steroids, some cocktail of all these things, you name it. I’ve watched Steve Carlton and Sidney Ponson and Rondell White and Butch Huskey and Bret Boone and Joe Crede and Mike Pelfrey and Ricky Nolasco and Ramon Ortiz and Steve Howe and Roberto Kelly and Greg Myers and Pat Borders and Ruben Sierra and Greg Swindell and Mike Morgan and Todd Jones and Mike Fetters and Jesse Orosco and James Baldwin and Phil Nevin. I’ve talked myself into Brian Fuentes as a possible closer. It feels good to admit this in a public forum. My shame is yours now. Given all that I’ve learned, and knowing that for every Paul Molitor there are 145 Shane Rawleys, I want you to know what I think about Chris Archer. I think he’s going to be just fine. Given all the names I’ve listed without even mentioning John Candelaria, not even once, you are likely wondering why I think Archer will be perfectly adequate. Because I need it very badly. I could really use a good, solid Twins season in 2022. I say this knowing extremely well that 40% of the starting rotation are veterans trying to prove something after a bad year or years, 40% are just kids, and 20% is Sonny Gray. It’s challenging to be optimistic! And yet. It’s going to be alright. Do I have proof of this? Of course not. But the fact remains, I’d really like for it to happen, and it feels like the universe owes us a kindness. Might that feeling just be a breakfast burrito repeating on me? Absolutely. But this time, it’ll be different. View full article

“I can see the optimism and hope over (Carlos) Correa in their eyes. That’s when I strike,” said the monster. As many Minnesotans return to the physical office, men like Josh Kinney await. He has two goals: Drop a “Mondays, am I right?” as early as possible on the first day of the week, and to rob his co-workers of even fleeting joy. “Lots of people on my floor are Twins fans, couple of them have season tickets,” said the Shorewood native. “I saw the news about Carlos Correa (the new Twins shortstop) and want to make sure they know the club is still in desperate need of pitching. “I figure they’ll be coming into the break room, maybe to get some coffee or water. I can see the optimism in their eyes. That’s when I strike. ‘Saw that the Twins got Correa. Does he pitch?’ Then I give them a fake laugh and/or shoulder punch and exit the room. Devastation.” This vile behavior is nothing new for the St. Thomas graduate. “I guess I knew I was a buzzkill at a young age,” said Kinney, a human resources generalist for Best Buy. “We’d be opening presents at Christmas and I’d be sure to let my siblings know who got the most expensive gifts, right in front of my folks. I could always count on one of them to start wailing and my Mom to get furious. At least until Mom left with her yoga instructor. Then Dad would just give us cash and watch the loudest cable news channel he could find.” Kinney’s co-workers say his ability to pee on any campfire is unsurpassed. “We had an Oscars pool one year, like a $10 entry fee, nothing major,” said Betsy Mick, a senior digital strategist. “Josh sent a department-wide email to let everyone know that the winner needs to claim the prize money on their taxes. He CC’ed the IRS. It was remarkable.” Kinney says his Correa-derived cruelty should be a durable form of death-by-small-talk for months. “Even if they shore up the rotation, which they won’t, I’ll shift to reminding them he can opt out after this season, which he will,” said the monster. “If things go south and they have to trade him before that, and they will, I’ll remind them of the success rate for prospects.” Kinney laughed and excused himself to remind a Vikings fan of Kirk Cousins' extension. Image license here. View full article