RandBalls Stu

“The machine doesn’t usually do this,” said the analyst. Image courtesy of © Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports With the calendar reading 2023, it’s hard not to think of spring training. And with a free agent class essentially picked clean and the trade rumors silent, it’s hard not to wonder who, exactly, is going to be on the Minnesota Twins come April. At least one source has run the numbers and is startled at the findings. “Usually, I base these outlooks on the current roster, the farm system, free agents, the needs of other teams, and payroll,” said Aaron Gleeman, The Athletic’s Minnesota Twins correspondent and world record holder for most takeout duck sauce packets in one refrigerator (354). “The thing is, what always comes back is a major league roster. This time…” Gleeman’s voice trailed off. “Here, I’ll open the spreadsheet.” Rather than columns of names, positions, ages, and salaries, the screen cut to black, a black as eternal and smothering as a starless winter night. From the laptop speakers came what at first sounded like a low moan. It soon escalated into a mournful, broken howl. The sound, not quite human, not quite animal, made clear it was no stranger to the depths of sorrow. After 25-30 seconds, the sound ended. A picture of former Twin Chuck Knoblauch getting pelted with hot dogs at the Metrodome appeared, and Twins radio broadcaster Dan Gladden said, “This roster projection brought to you by Minnesota Rusco, since 1965.” “I can’t explain any of this,” said Gleeman. “I mean, I’m as skeptical of the state of the roster right now as anyone, but I just kinda figured it would come back with Michael Wacha and Elvis Andrus or something, you know? The machine doesn’t usually do this.” Fellow beat writers and columnists report similar troubling results. “I had to file my first spring training preview for Sunday’s paper,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “I sent it to my editors, and they said, ‘Ha ha, very funny.’ I asked them to clarify, and they said ‘This is the Book of Revelations, Phil.’ I checked the original document, and sure enough. Nothing about what I wrote on Royce Lewis, but a whole sidebar regarding pestilence.” “I heard about Aaron’s issue so figured I’d just take a look at my own files,” said Betsy Helfand of the Pioneer Press. “All my notes are there, but they’re in Latin. The letters are blood red. I don’t know any Latin, and Alden Global Capital (the hedge fund that owns the Pioneer Press) doesn’t give us laptops that display color.” The Twins open their spring training schedule on Saturday, February 25th. View full article

The former Twins and Astros superstar continues signing megadeals that collapse with a quickness after a physical. Twins Daily uses advanced metrics to determine who else will immediately regret signing Correa. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Skylar Gerald Once is a fluke. Twice is a trend. That’s all we really know about the state of Carlos Correa’s future employment and the ankle he injured a decade ago. Nine-figure deals with the Giants and Mets have either evaporated completely or exist in some kind of limbo. The Twins reportedly had limited interest in a reunion after the San Francisco signing fell through, despite their stated desire to sign him long term. Something’s up. Fortunately, Twins Daily has access to the kind of advanced metrics other baseball websites can only dream of. Using these bleeding-edge tools, we’ve been able to project the next organizations that will sign Correa to a massive long-term contract, only for it to instantly go sideways. The Pittsburgh Pirates. Reason: Thought it was Kevin Correia. Honest mistake. The Chicago White Sox. Reason: Team wants to save money for giving Tony La Russa one last shot at managing the game on the field versus the one happening in his mind palace. “He’s a Hall of Famer,” said team source. The Oakland Athletics. Reason: Signing ceremony postponed due to monthly raw sewage leak. The Miami Marlins. Reason: Correa would have to find location for hideous outfield home run sculpture and pay movers. "A dealbreaker," said Boras. The 1986 New York Mets. Reason: Boras, Correa refuse to be paid in cocaine. The Miami Heat. Reason: Only shoots mid-range jumpers. The Green Bay Packers. Reasons: Scott Boras balks at payment in worthless company stock; Correa thinks Kroll’s butter burgers are overcooked, has also never played football. Waffle House, Walterboro, SC location. Reason: Being on feet all day while catching chairs in midair enhances injury risk. The Fellowship of the Ring. Reason: Journey on foot to Mordor exacerbates stress on leg in question; Boras demands standard percentage of The One Ring, Isildur’s Bane, which was forged in the fires of Mount Doom and only there can be destroyed. Image license here. View full article

I have some thoughts on Carlos Correa, Steve Cohen, and the site founder's craft beer outlays for you to read while the weather tries to kill us to death. Image courtesy of Gregory Fisher-USA TODAY Sports Steve Cohen, the Mets owner, is stupid rich. He can afford to sign Carlos Correa as an afterthought. All the other owners are also stupid rich. They could also afford to sign Carlos Correa as an afterthought. They opted out. The Giants and Twins may end up being completely vindicated in exercising restraint. That plate in Correa’s leg may start malfunctioning like the one in Cousin Eddie’s head from Christmas Vacation. If he pees his pants rounding second because someone at Citi Field is microwaving salmon in the break room, the Mets can’t say they weren’t warned. If Correa flames out, guess what? The Mets can still afford it. And they can afford to replace him with another generational talent at another astronomical price point. This gets at the problem for the Twins, Giants, and everyone else, even the Pirates: They can all afford this, too. See above about being stupid rich. Their wealth is unimaginable. You really have no idea. It’s not your money. “We’ll lose (some number and a word that rhymes with Jillian) this season! We can't compete with New York!” Great. That’s a rounding error for them and a number they finessed to within an inch of straight up lying. If they want to impress me with real losses, invest in crypto. If they decide that losing a fraction of their wealth on a professional sports team is not for them, the Phoenix Suns just sold for $4 billion. Buddy, there’s the door. You don’t get points for not taking on risk. You don’t get games in hand for fiscal responsibility. You do get a reputation as a team that will do exactly this much to improve your roster, but not that much. It’s not your money. Every “small market” team is in a giant city with skyscrapers and bridges. The people who own that team own the skyscrapers and the bridges are named after the great-grandparent who got the money in the first place by inventing child labor or selling bayonets to a guy nicknamed “The God-Tyrant of the Eurasian Steppe” or something. “The owners didn’t become rich by wasting money.” No, they became rich by being born into obscene wealth. Glad we cleared this up. “The Pohlads are cheap” is inaccurate. “Most of the owners are content with the status quo” is accurate. The problem is, Steve Cohen is making the status quo look cheap. So I may have to revisit that “inaccurate” thing. It’s not your money. It really, really isn’t. The concessions at Target Field will be expensive regardless of who they sign this winter. Let’s say they decide to say "Bleep it" and start the rebuild now. You will still spend John Bonnes’ weekly craft beer budget on a hot dog and popcorn in 2023. None of this is Carlos Correa’s fault. Anyone mad at him for taking the best deal (twice) instead of staying in Minnesota is a tiny baby. Yes, our lakes and amenities are nice, but I assure you that San Francisco and New York have water and restaurants too. In conclusion, they should probably trade for some pitching. View full article

“Good intentions and due financial diligence are a killer combo anywhere in the lineup.” Image courtesy of Unsplash/Kelly Sikkema Carlos Correa’s departure for San Francisco leaves the Minnesota Twins with a gaping hole at shortstop. While rumored to be interested in free agent Dansby Swanson, the team announced a different plan on Thursday. “We made our best efforts to keep Carlos in Minnesota,” said Twins GM Derek Falvey. “Sometimes, that’s all you can do. And we’re taking that lesson to heart. Best Efforts will be our shortstop in 2023.” The concept of trying your best and failing to reach your objective is nothing new in baseball or American sport. However, no one has attempted to use an intangible state of being as a position player. Not even the Orioles. “We’ve got some spreadsheets, some pivot tables, and one of those green visors that crooked bankers wore during the Great Depression,” said Falvey. “Proof of our good-faith attempts at bringing a championship to Target Field will be available for all to see at one of the game’s premium positions. Good intentions and due financial diligence are a killer combo anywhere in the lineup.” That quote was part of a rambling, handwritten press release on official Minnesota Twins letterhead. MINNESOTA MAKES CARLOS CORREA TWIN FOR LIFE is visible under hastily applied liquid paper. Stains from coffee and human tears are also visible on the paragraph where Falvey notes that the team, which finished 78-84 in a disappointing 2022 season, would be giving We Tried a shot in the bullpen. “We have a lot of young arm talent that we’ll be looking at in Fort Myers,” said Falvey. “We Tried will be part of that mix, along with Part Of The Conversation and On The Shortlist.” The statement does not mention what, if any, plans there are for Blockbuster Trade That Fizzled and Punching Above Their Weight But Ultimately Falling Just Short. Image license here. View full article

How do you write about something that hasn’t happened yet but might take place while you’re snoozing? Simple. You cover every possible angle for the reader to enjoy first thing Friday morning. That’s the Twins Daily promise. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Boris Smokrovic IF CORREA SIGNED WITH THE TWINS: Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Yes. Yes. I told you, I told you, and I know I told you. Now let’s get a catcher and some more pitching. If I had a football I’d spike it. If CORREA SIGNED ELSEWHERE: Well. That sucks. Huh. Can Royce Lewis get healthy faster? What time do the Vikings play on Sunday? I’m not crying. You’re crying. Shut up. IF CORREA REMAINS UNSIGNED: OK. Well, I’m just going to keep refreshing Twitter obsessively. I wonder if anyone in my friend circle has Jeff Passan’s number. I bet he wouldn’t mind if I just shot him a quick text to ask what he’s really hearing, not that sanitized stuff he shares on ESPN. Come on, Jeff. Just tell me that Carlos Correa is coming home. Tell me, Jeff. Now, Jeff. Now. IF CORREA PULLED A REVERSE MICHAEL JORDAN AND TAKES UP BASKETBALL: I mean, when you can join the Sioux Falls Skyforce, why wouldn’t you? No state income tax, easy access to Brookings. Done and dusted. IF CORREA RETIRED TO PURSUE HIS TRUE PASSION, BIRD WATCHING: I’ve never trusted birds. Shifty eyes, beaks, always up to something. That said, I guess that’s OK? He doesn’t need the money, and I guess if I could just quit my job and follow my dream of writing the first ska musical about Alexander Hamilton, I’d do it too. IF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL WENT INSOLVENT AND FOLDED: I guess we can’t lose to the Yankees anymore. We can’t, right? Because this sucks already. I don’t need this. Image license here. View full article

The new Twins executive chairman likes dinosaurs, Go-Gurts. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Jen Theodore Turnover in the Twins front office continued Thursday, as recently-appointed executive chairman Joe Pohlad resigned effective immediately, just three days after accepting the role. No reason was given for his departure. Taking his place will be the next Pohlad in line, 6-year-old Zachary, great-grandson of the late Carl Pohlad. “Great teams have a next man up mentality, and that applies to all levels of our organization,” said former executive chairman Jim Pohlad. “Zachary has the enthusiasm, engagement, and age-appropriate grasp of math and reading concepts you’d want in a leader.” Twins CEO Dave St. Peter and president of baseball operations Derek Falvey will both report to Zachary. If they need to reach him during naptime or all-day kindergarten, team sources say Pohlad’s nanny Brigitte will handle all inquiries. “He likes chewing gum, laughs at bodily function humor, and gets owly when he’s tired,” said a member of the coaching staff who requested anonymity. “That’s, like, half the bullpen. Just another guy we have to remind to wash his hands and limit his screen time. He’ll fit right in.” Zachary’s teachers at Little Learners Montessori in Deephaven characterize the most powerful person in the Twins organization as “bright, energetic, and super into truck and dinosaurs.” “That little guy loves Go-Gurts,” confirmed one instructor. The team said Zachary was in a timeout for not sharing at recess and would address the media at an undetermined future date when he started making better choices. Image license here. View full article

Don’t be fooled by these deals. They’re not steals. Image courtesy of K-Bid As you battle your fellow Minnesotans for the last Rosedale parking spot, hoping the sporting goods store has an XL Byron Buxton Twin Cities jersey you can drop half a paycheck on, you should know that there are many other online and brick-and-mortar outlets showcasing their wares for you, the hardcore Twins fan. Twins Daily has run the numbers, and what follows are the worst consumer options out there. Keep your head on a swivel. 20% off signed copies of “Why Is He So Tiny Now? An Oral History of Bret Boone’s Three Weeks as a Minnesota Twin.” $99 for a six-month premium subscription to My Favorite Blown Calls, Phil Cuzzi’s podcast about his signature umpiring moments. Free first-timer visit to Ken Mauer and Andrelton Simmons’ new holistic medicine outlet, Vitastrong, located in Maplewood’s worst strip mall. No vaccines, no doctors, just nutritional advice from a cooked shortstop and an NBA ref that looks like he wears a leather jacket to Latin Mass. Vitastrong is not responsible for any measles you get during your visit, and you will get measles. Trial subscription to Aaron Gleeman’s new Substack newsletter, Text Messages I Haven’t Responded To. The Twins beat writer shares all the texts he gets from other baseball writers, morning radio hosts with unlikely haircuts, and unwashed bloggers to whom he simply is never going to reply. Use code WOULDYOUJUSTSTOPDANA to receive 40% off. 50% off The Motivational Speeches of Tommy Herr. This 12-cassette collection from the recalcitrant infielder for whom we traded away Tom Brunansky is the perfect gift for the father or uncle you flat-out hate. Craigslist ad for Metrodome urinal trough. It says $40 or best offer, but it’s just a scam. Do not ask which Twins Daily writers have had their credit card information compromised by this too-good-to-be-true deal (OK, so far it’s Stu, Parker, and John). View full article

New Twins trainer lays down law, calls into question previous health and injury practices. Image courtesy of © Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports Of the many issues that befell the 2022 Minnesota Twins, a run of truly wretched injury luck was a decisive factor. Per Baseball Reference, they lost 9.4 Wins Above Replacement to injuries. It drove the team to hire a new athletic trainer, Nick Paparesta, away from Oakland. And the changes are coming fast. “I’m not trying to throw anyone under the bus,” said Paparesta. “This is not a metaphor. They would actually put players under the team bus last year to quote ‘blast their abs’ unquote. They shouldn’t have done that. It’s wildly irresponsible.” Paparesta, who spent the last 12 seasons with the Athletics, also called into question the team’s practice of not letting anyone leave after the game without licking their locker clean to prevent the spread of germs and bad humors. “There was a sign above the exit that said ‘If you’re not licking you’re losing.’ The entire team had thrush the entire season. They had diseases usually associated with 17th century sailors. The bullpen had a malaria outbreak. Mosquitoes feared them.” Although it’s impossible to eliminate hazards of the game like comebackers and wild pitches, Paparesta emphasized there are things you can do to mitigate the injury risk. “This shouldn’t need to be said, but if a pitch is coming towards your head, do not open your mouth for good luck in the coming harvest season,” said Paparesta. “You’ll wreck your teeth. No one here is a farmer. I’m baffled by this approach.” “Similarly, if there is comebacker to the mound, thrusting your midsection at the ball to assert dominance and virility is not sound advice,” continued Paparesta. “A lot of these young guys want to start families someday. Taking a rocket to the gooch works against that.” The team offered no further comment on previous health and injury guidelines but confirmed that they’re sourcing their 2023 sunflower seeds from a supplier that uses less cobra venom in the seasoning process. “We had never heard of ‘nightmare diarrhea’ before. It was a teachable moment,” said a front office source. "It's still going to smell like World War I for a while, that's not going away anytime soon." View full article

It’s a little something I like to call capitalism. Deal with it, haters. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Ryan Quintal I take the Green Line to work every day between the Twin Cities. Light rail gets a bad rap from guys in Elk River who think cowering in fear of Minneapolis is something to brag about, but it’s 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and I can listen to podcasts about war or baseball. Recently, while waiting for my train at the Prospect Park station, something caught my eye. Was it a food wrapper? No. An empty tallboy? No. It was a by god $10 bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, and tried to think of something I could do with it. As tempting as a fistful of Beef-and-Chedds from Arby’s is, this is found money. I do OK, it should go to a good cause. In the end, there was only one right answer. Carlos Correa , if you return to the Minnesota Twins, I will give you ten American dollars. Now, I’m aware that your asking price is quite a bit steeper. I’ve read the interviews with Scott Boras and the copious hot stove analyses that say Minnesota is in play, but still an unlikely destination for your long-term services. One thing I’ve also noticed: not a single GD one of them mentions paper money. This $10 bill I found? Cold hard cash. By the time you get to the end of this sentence, it’ll be worth more than every crypto scam and Twitter combined. And I’m telling you right now: You can have it. Just sign with the Twins. I’ve watched enough bad shortstops over the years to know that your services are needed, especially with Royce Lewis’ health in question. The Boy Geniuses clearly agree and have already put together a competitive offer for your services. I’m putting $10 on top of what they’re already prepared to give you. Talk to Boras. Mull it over with your family. Take some time. I think you’ll agree this offer is fair, sound, and selfless. I thank you for your consideration. (We can do the handoff at Arby's, too. First Beef-and-Chedd? On me.) Regards, Stu View full article

The former Twins great used a tube of soppressata in a 1987 World Series game. Image courtesy of Eli Libedensky/Unsplash Houston Astros catcher Martin Maldonado was barred from using a maple bat in Game 1 of the 2022 World Series. The bat, given to him by Albert Pujols, was deemed illegal due to the threat of splintering and potential injury. While odd, it’s not the first time the Fall Classic has seen this kind of controversy. “The bats didn’t get from Minneapolis to St. Louis in time, so I had to improvise,” said former Twins great Kent Hrbek about his first at-bat in Game 3 of the 1987 World Series. The Bloomington native used a 41-inch tube of salami in his first plate appearance, lining out to shortstop before the umpires made him use a traditional wooden bat the rest of the game. NOTE: Video of the at-bat has been removed from all MLB servers, so please watch this Metrodome food service training video instead: “We were up 2-0 in the Series and we didn’t want to change our routine, you know how superstitious ballplayers are,” said Hrbek. “I wasn’t going to use (Gary) Gaetti’s bat and break it, he was on fire all post season. So I just used my walking around meat. The boys in blue weren’t amused.” Hrbek, known for his voracious appetite, often carried a variety of cured meats and venison jerky on his person at the time. Legendary baseball writer Peter Gammons asked Hrbek about the at-bat after the game. Hrbek excused himself, showered, returned to his locker with a towel around his waist, and proceeded to eat the formidable sausage/emergency bat in front of Gammons without ever breaking eye contact. “Damnedest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Gammons. “He didn’t even blink. Just bite, chew, swallow, repeat. Felt like eternity, but it probably only took him 2-3 minutes. I think he unhinged his jaw.” The Twins would go on to defeat the Cardinals in seven games for their first World Series title. Photo credit here View full article

Many baseball publications, including this one, focus on players the Twins should acquire. The following is not that. Image courtesy of © Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins have several needs to meet this offseason. Shortstop. A top-of-the-rotation starter. Probably another catcher. Bullpen help. You can’t swing a dead cat without a local writer offering their suggestions. This is fine. What’s equally important, and what these so-called experts refuse to address, are the moves the Twins shouldn't make. A bad signing or ill-begotten trade can derail a season before it even begins. Andrelton Simmons. Tommy Herr. Matt Shoemaker. Names that live in Minnesota baseball infamy as surely as Phil Cuzzi or the marshmallow salesman who got clocked by Billy Martin. Here then are the free agents the Minnesota Twins should avoid as they build their 2023 roster. Reasonable people can often disagree, but not in this case: Matthew Perry. The former Friends star is releasing a memoir about his decades-long struggle with drug addiction, but it’s being overshadowed by his disparaging remarks regarding Keanu Reeves. Everyone loves Keanu Reeves. Off-the-field controversy is never something a team wants to court, especially if the free agent is 50 and only plays celebrity hockey. Ty Cobb. Dead. A 3BR, 2 BA house in Eagan. The spike in interest rates can’t help but make a financially conscious team like the Twins wary, and this spacious rambler with an open-concept kitchen and walk out basement doesn’t fit any of their current needs. Kevin Costner in Bull Durham. The team clearly wants Ryan Jeffers to be the everyday catcher, but his injury-marred 2022 and Minnesota’s lack of MLB-ready depth at the position points to the need for help. Unfortunately, Kevin Costner in Bull Durham is unavailable, as he was just acting and is much older now. Whitey Ford. Dead. The Papa John’s Papa Bowl. While the team might have gluten issues or are looking to cut out the healthy dose of carbs in pizza crust, a pile of hot pizza toppings in a bowl feels like it creates more problems than it solves. Lean proteins and vegetables feel like a better fit. Aaron Judge. He’s such a big dude he might bonk his head on Target Field’s doorways. For a team with a recent history of concussion issues, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Rod Carew. He’d still probably hit .300, but the power and speed just aren’t there, as he’s a 77-year-old man. Kanye West. Google “kanye+west”. Walter “Big Train” Johnson. Dead. Pat Mahomes. Twins lineage, generational arm talent, and a bona fide star. However, plays a different sport and would be unavailable for much of the season. Also his voice kinda sounds like a Muppet with a scratchy throat, which may cause problems with Twins outfielder Max Kepler, whose wife recently left him for Grover per Alpha News. View full article

“I thought he would pass out,” said one concerned co-worker. Image courtesy of © Thomas Shea-USA TODAY Sports With both League Championship Series underway, local baseball fans can thrill to the unexpected National League matchup between the Philadelphia Phillies and San Diego Padres. A pleasant reminder that the biggest payrolls or markets don’t always guarantee postseason glory, the first two games have been tense and entertaining. There’s also the ALCS. “Man, I don’t know,” said Brian Allmendinger, 44, a Medina-based systems analyst and lifelong Twins fan, responding to a question about the matchup between the New York Yankees and Houston Astros. “I just…man.” Allmendinger excused himself to smoke a cigarette. Allmendinger’s co-workers are concerned. “When New York eliminated Cleveland, he sighed for 47 seconds,” said Alexis Wolff. “We timed it. I’ll be honest with you, I thought he would pass out.” “His face turned beet red and he just kept shaking his head real slowly,” said Mateo Gutierrez. “I think we were all a little worried about him.” “He doesn’t even smoke,” added Wolff. With Minnesota’s postseason nemesis in the Bronx facing scandal-marred Houston, it’s tough for many Twins partisans to find a rooting interest. “Hate is a strong word,” said Allmendinger. “Needlessly throwing it around devalues the concept and the emotion. It's cruel and ultimately harmful. With that being said, I hate the Yankees and Astros. I don’t want them to lose. I want them to lose and suffer.” Given that one of those teams has to advance, Allmendinger was asked if he had a preference for one or the other to lose. “It’s just that…god,” said Allmendinger, his head in his hands. “I can’t…I don’t. I can’t.” Allmendinger excused himself, saying he left something in this car. He didn’t return to finish the interview, but was observed sitting in his Ford Fiesta, staring straight ahead. The radio wasn’t on. Darkness fell. View full article

It's a cave for Jakes. Image courtesy of © Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins began their 40-man roster purge this week, parting ways with the likes of Devin Smeltzer and Jermaine Palacios. Perhaps the most familiar name on the list of now-former Twins is longtime fourth outfielder Jake Cave, who declined his option to Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He will instead join the Baltimore Orioles. “We can’t say enough about the professionalism and great attitude Jake brought to the Twins,” said Twins GM Derek Falvey. “There are tough choices to make every offseason as we reset our roster, and we felt the best place for him was Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He disagreed and we wish him the best.” Located in the rolling Tennessee countryside near Chattanooga, Jake Cave is a cave for Jakes fed by natural spring water. It has provided a home for wayward and troubled Jakes since its discovery in the late 1800s. Jake Cave’s last visit to Jake Cave was in 2018, where he worked on various arts and crafts, learned basic auto repair and played the role of Kenickie in a production of the musical Grease. “I have a family,” said Cave at the time. “Why am I here? This is so weird.” The cave found itself in the news recently when one of its most recent alums, social media idiot and MMA fighter Jake Paul, returned for a controversial visit. “We don’t comment on any past or current Jakes,” said Jake Cave spokesperson Annika Hunter. “We can say that we’re cooperating with local and state authorities and that most of the miniature horses were already deceased before catching fire.” To make room for Cave, the Orioles designated reliever Jake Reed for assignment to Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He’s expected to accept the move and report within the next 48 hours for calisthenics and woodworking. View full article