RandBalls Stu

Many baseball publications, including this one, focus on players the Twins should acquire. The following is not that. Image courtesy of © Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins have several needs to meet this offseason. Shortstop. A top-of-the-rotation starter. Probably another catcher. Bullpen help. You can’t swing a dead cat without a local writer offering their suggestions. This is fine. What’s equally important, and what these so-called experts refuse to address, are the moves the Twins shouldn't make. A bad signing or ill-begotten trade can derail a season before it even begins. Andrelton Simmons. Tommy Herr. Matt Shoemaker. Names that live in Minnesota baseball infamy as surely as Phil Cuzzi or the marshmallow salesman who got clocked by Billy Martin. Here then are the free agents the Minnesota Twins should avoid as they build their 2023 roster. Reasonable people can often disagree, but not in this case: Matthew Perry. The former Friends star is releasing a memoir about his decades-long struggle with drug addiction, but it’s being overshadowed by his disparaging remarks regarding Keanu Reeves. Everyone loves Keanu Reeves. Off-the-field controversy is never something a team wants to court, especially if the free agent is 50 and only plays celebrity hockey. Ty Cobb. Dead. A 3BR, 2 BA house in Eagan. The spike in interest rates can’t help but make a financially conscious team like the Twins wary, and this spacious rambler with an open-concept kitchen and walk out basement doesn’t fit any of their current needs. Kevin Costner in Bull Durham. The team clearly wants Ryan Jeffers to be the everyday catcher, but his injury-marred 2022 and Minnesota’s lack of MLB-ready depth at the position points to the need for help. Unfortunately, Kevin Costner in Bull Durham is unavailable, as he was just acting and is much older now. Whitey Ford. Dead. The Papa John’s Papa Bowl. While the team might have gluten issues or are looking to cut out the healthy dose of carbs in pizza crust, a pile of hot pizza toppings in a bowl feels like it creates more problems than it solves. Lean proteins and vegetables feel like a better fit. Aaron Judge. He’s such a big dude he might bonk his head on Target Field’s doorways. For a team with a recent history of concussion issues, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Rod Carew. He’d still probably hit .300, but the power and speed just aren’t there, as he’s a 77-year-old man. Kanye West. Google “kanye+west”. Walter “Big Train” Johnson. Dead. Pat Mahomes. Twins lineage, generational arm talent, and a bona fide star. However, plays a different sport and would be unavailable for much of the season. Also his voice kinda sounds like a Muppet with a scratchy throat, which may cause problems with Twins outfielder Max Kepler, whose wife recently left him for Grover per Alpha News. View full article

“I thought he would pass out,” said one concerned co-worker. Image courtesy of © Thomas Shea-USA TODAY Sports With both League Championship Series underway, local baseball fans can thrill to the unexpected National League matchup between the Philadelphia Phillies and San Diego Padres. A pleasant reminder that the biggest payrolls or markets don’t always guarantee postseason glory, the first two games have been tense and entertaining. There’s also the ALCS. “Man, I don’t know,” said Brian Allmendinger, 44, a Medina-based systems analyst and lifelong Twins fan, responding to a question about the matchup between the New York Yankees and Houston Astros. “I just…man.” Allmendinger excused himself to smoke a cigarette. Allmendinger’s co-workers are concerned. “When New York eliminated Cleveland, he sighed for 47 seconds,” said Alexis Wolff. “We timed it. I’ll be honest with you, I thought he would pass out.” “His face turned beet red and he just kept shaking his head real slowly,” said Mateo Gutierrez. “I think we were all a little worried about him.” “He doesn’t even smoke,” added Wolff. With Minnesota’s postseason nemesis in the Bronx facing scandal-marred Houston, it’s tough for many Twins partisans to find a rooting interest. “Hate is a strong word,” said Allmendinger. “Needlessly throwing it around devalues the concept and the emotion. It's cruel and ultimately harmful. With that being said, I hate the Yankees and Astros. I don’t want them to lose. I want them to lose and suffer.” Given that one of those teams has to advance, Allmendinger was asked if he had a preference for one or the other to lose. “It’s just that…god,” said Allmendinger, his head in his hands. “I can’t…I don’t. I can’t.” Allmendinger excused himself, saying he left something in this car. He didn’t return to finish the interview, but was observed sitting in his Ford Fiesta, staring straight ahead. The radio wasn’t on. Darkness fell. View full article

It's a cave for Jakes. Image courtesy of © Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins began their 40-man roster purge this week, parting ways with the likes of Devin Smeltzer and Jermaine Palacios. Perhaps the most familiar name on the list of now-former Twins is longtime fourth outfielder Jake Cave, who declined his option to Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He will instead join the Baltimore Orioles. “We can’t say enough about the professionalism and great attitude Jake brought to the Twins,” said Twins GM Derek Falvey. “There are tough choices to make every offseason as we reset our roster, and we felt the best place for him was Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He disagreed and we wish him the best.” Located in the rolling Tennessee countryside near Chattanooga, Jake Cave is a cave for Jakes fed by natural spring water. It has provided a home for wayward and troubled Jakes since its discovery in the late 1800s. Jake Cave’s last visit to Jake Cave was in 2018, where he worked on various arts and crafts, learned basic auto repair and played the role of Kenickie in a production of the musical Grease. “I have a family,” said Cave at the time. “Why am I here? This is so weird.” The cave found itself in the news recently when one of its most recent alums, social media idiot and MMA fighter Jake Paul, returned for a controversial visit. “We don’t comment on any past or current Jakes,” said Jake Cave spokesperson Annika Hunter. “We can say that we’re cooperating with local and state authorities and that most of the miniature horses were already deceased before catching fire.” To make room for Cave, the Orioles designated reliever Jake Reed for assignment to Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He’s expected to accept the move and report within the next 48 hours for calisthenics and woodworking. View full article

The Twins didn’t make the playoffs this year. That stinks! However, this should be a fun postseason for all baseball fans. Here’s a guide to who you should root for as the postseason begins. Image courtesy of Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports THE AMERICAN LEAGUE NEW YORK YANKEES: If you can pull yourself away from cheering for the Cowboys, the Lakers, and Notre Dame, this is your team. Also, you are the devil. I hope they break into every Aaron Judge at-bat to show highlights of preseason NHL games. On the plus side, the longer they’re in the playoffs that’s less time for Josh Donaldson to dedicate to his first love (racism). CLEVELAND GUARDIANS: There are those who say, “Well, if the Twins can’t win, I hope the AL Central winner does.” These are the people who fall for every Facebook multi-level marketing scam. They have a garage full of LulaRoe tights. Don’t listen to them. SEATTLE MARINERS: No one deserves to win a World Series. The ideal outcome to this year’s playoffs would be for all 12 participants to get a teamwide case of mono and the league declaring Minnesota the champion since they’re healthy and have kind eyes. Some blowhards might say this title would have an asterisk but it would still be 100x more legit than any title won during the color barrier era so I’ll see you all on the parade route. ANYWAY, since this likely won’t happen, Seattle seems cool. They probably should have won one when they won a thousand games in 2001. You can root for them, sure. My American League pick. TAMPA BAY RAYS: Until they re-rebrand as the Devil Rays, I can’t in good conscience advise cheering for this team. Which is a bummer, because their goofy, awful stadium reminds me of the Metrodome, a goofy, incredible stadium. TORONTO BLUE JAYS: They already have Ruffles All-Dressed chips. They need nothing else from us. HOUSTON ASTROS: No. THE NATIONAL LEAGUE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: This city’s sports fans are true criminals and hooligans yet achieve a level of dirtbag grace that other metro areas can only hope to attain. That said, the Eagles just won a Super Bowl and look great again. They don’t need our help. SAN DIEGO PADRES: I honestly quit paying attention when Fernando Tatis, Jr. got suspended. Remember when their uniforms were yellow and brown? ST. LOUIS CARDINALS: See HOUSTON ASTROS LOS ANGELES DODGERS: If you care whether they win or lose you’re more invested than their fans are. ATLANTA BRAVES: They have both Eddie Rosario and future MVP Robbie Grossman, god bless them both. However, they also have the racist chant and Ron Gant was out and sucks to be you, Lonnie Smith. Worst franchise in sports. Walk into the ocean, bozos. NEW YORK METS: They won a World Series with the entire team out of their minds on cocaine and beat Boston, the most insufferable sports city in America, to do it. They have Ed Escobar, one of the greatest Twins of all time. I hope they win every game 17-2 and they build a statue of Ed. THIS IS YOUR TEAM, MINNESOTA. LOVE THEM LIKE ED LOVES YOU. View full article

“Millennials, Gen X, and Zoomers love Markie Post, and we intend to meet them where they’re at,” said St. Peter. Image courtesy of Flickr/Verndogs The Minnesota Twins announced plans to revamp their uniforms and Target Field this offseason, including a massive upgrade to their outfield scoreboard. Just don’t expect it to be all about baseball. “Our marketing team, along with trusted advisers, says that our fans want to watch the antics and hijinks of NBC’s Night Court,” said Dave St. Peter, Minnesota’s President and CEO. “It’s the right call.” Night Court, a sitcom set in a New York City courtroom, ran from 1984-92 on NBC. No one over the age of 35 knows what it is, but the team is confident it will appeal to all ages more than batting averages or scoreboard updates. The new scoreboard will show a constant stream of reruns at the expense of highlights, statistics, and game updates. “The research is thorough and grounded in fact,” said St. Peter. “The zany antics of Judge Harry Stone, D.A. Dan Fielding, and Bull the loveable bailiff have cross-generational appeal. Millennials, Gen X, and Zoomers love Markie Post, and we intend to meet them where they’re at. If they want to know the score, the game is literally right in front of them. That’s not our problem.” One problem is the fact that the sitcom was filmed before the age of high definition, and the resolution of the images has been described as “a nightmare come to life, but covered in cataracts” by a source close to the situation. St. Peter brushes off these concerns. “The average age of our season ticket holders is 77,” said St. Peter. “They’ll just think they need to put their readers on. And you don’t need 20/20 vision to appreciate the gentle yet ribald humor of the wackiest municipal court in Manhattan!” Image license here. View full article

As a fan, you have rights. You’ve been injured. Someone is responsible. Image courtesy of Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports Minnesota sports fans had to endure a long, 5-game weekend of dreadful Twins baseball, one that essentially zapped the squad's dwindling playoff hopes. After Monday afternoon’s 11-4 beatdown, anyone seeking solace from the Minnesota Vikings were met with a humiliating 24-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Monday Night Football. Now, some local attorneys are fighting back. “It’s outrageous that we just let the billionaires of Major League Baseball and National Football League schedule these games on the same day,” said Jacob Moynahan, a junior partner at Frederickson & Byron. “The foreseeable emotional damage this day would impart on innocent taxpayers and their guileless, doe-eyed children was avoidable. They simply chose to ignore it.” Meyer is just one of the lawyers filing a class-action lawsuit against MLB, the NFL, Bally Sports North, and ESPN on behalf of Twins fans, Vikings fans, and anyone who was at a Buffalo Wild Wings for Boneless Wing Mondays and was exposed to the broadcasts. “The Twins going into Cleveland with their season on the line is traditionally a bad idea,” said Robin Sherman, an attorney with Faegre Drinker. “The names ‘Ron Davis’ and ‘Jamie Quirk’ are burned into our collective memory, the trauma passed down from generation to generation.” “You send the baseball team to Cleveland in mid-September,” said Moynahan. “Then you add Monday Night Kirk (a reference to Minnesota quarterback Kirk Cousins, whose performance in nationally televised games is often compared to watching your first childhood pet die from loneliness) to the mix? Malice. Negligence. High crimes.” Sherman says they’re seeking damages in the millions of dollars. “They say you can’t put a price tag on suffering,” said Sherman. “They also say the AL Central was an easy division to win, or that the Vikings turned a corner after whipping the Packers in Week 1. They say a lot of things. We demand compensation. We demand to be heard. We demand a Monday where we can watch Wheel of Fortune and get a good night’s sleep, where the sadness won’t find us.” MLB, the NFL, the Twins, and the Vikings did not return calls seeking comment. View full article

Twins Daily correspondent RandBall's Stu went to a concert in Minneapolis on Wednesday. So did Twins legend Joe Mauer. This is his story. Image courtesy of David Berding-USA TODAY Sports My day job is copywriting for a local independent regional craft brewery. That brewery also hosts concerts in its backyard, often featuring popular recording artists from around the world. Occasionally, those shows attract local and even national celebrities. On Wednesday, popular Sad Dad favorites The National played a killer show there. (If you’ve never heard of them, that’s fine, but just know that Taylor Swift has). As I wandered around the grounds, one of my friends said, “Hey, Joe Mauer is here.” I didn’t believe them. I guess I don't really know what Joe Mauer's musical tastes are, other than "What You Know" being his walk-up music for 100 years. Then a local journalist mentioned that he chatted with Mauer and his wife for a bit. Given that he covers baseball for his job, I took him at his word. And sure enough, standing there just to my right and towards the front of the stage? Joe Mauer, Cretin-Derham Hall Class of 2001. These are my observations. He’s tall! You know how some athletes look “normal” on TV because they’re surrounded by absolute leviathans? Joe Mauer is crazy tall! He was wearing a baseball cap. On brand! That’s what he wore at his old job! He did the classic “dad at a rock concert head nod,” for when you’re not going to throw horns or dance, but still want to rock out a little bit without making a scene. Reliable sources tell me his wife is a huge fan of The National and indie rock/alternative in general. I share those interests, which gives me the wild hope that I’ll run into the Mauers at the McLusky show at the Turf Club in December so we can shout along to “Reformed Arsonist Seeks Child Bride.” I didn’t bother him to say hi or buy him a beer. Let the guy enjoy retirement and go to shows. I also remember how much his last contract was worth thanks to years of numbskulls getting mad at him on talk radio and god’s own internet for hitting singles and making $23 million per year. He probably doesn’t need a Furious on the house. That said, Joe, if you’re reading this and want some IPAs, let me know. Perkins has my phone number. There’s no way Joe Mauer is reading this. This also means I didn’t ask him about Rocco pulling Joe Ryan during a no-hit bid. Had I done this, I hope someone reading this would have the decency to beat me to death with a shovel. The last time I saw him in person was the game where he got the concussion that ended his catching career. This was a better day! This was the most famous person I’ve seen at work since Woody Harrelson attended a Gary Clark, Jr. show while in town filming a movie. Apologies to Jason DeRusha, who I think is a very kind man but he wasn't on Cheers. View full article

As the world mourns the loss of England’s long-time monarch, Twins Daily reached out to current and former Minnesota Twins for their thoughts. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Ferdinand Stohr TOM KELLY (MANAGER, 1986-2001): Just a great gal. Broke out of the gate quickly, lightning fast down the stretch, amazing haunches. So powerful. Always left the track in a good mood when she ran. [INFORMED THAT THIS IS NOT QUEEN ELIZABETH II, THE GREYHOUND KELLY WAGERED ON AT ST. CROIX MEADOWS, BUT RATHER THE HUMAN WOMAN] Oh. Well, that’s a shame. What country? EMILIO PAGAN (PITCHER, 2022): I was fortunate enough to meet her on a visit to Great Britain in 2018. I even threw her a baseball for a photo op. She hit it 440 feet. I tip my cap to her. ANDRELTON SIMMONS (SHORTSTOP, 2021): 96-year-old woman dies after getting the COVID vaccine? Coincidence? Yeah, right. JOE MAUER (CATCHER, 2004-2018): Wow. Pretty big deal. NICK PUNTO (INFIELDER, 2004-10): I slid headfirst into Buckingham Palace once. Guards got all bent out of shape about it and I’m like, “Hey, hustling doesn’t stop at the water’s edge, muchacho.” Anyway, that’s the only other time I had to fight extradition for wanting it more. RIP get money. JUSTIN MORNEAU (FIRST BASE, 2003-16): As a Canadian, this means one thing: I must take up arms for the crown. If (Glen) Perkins or (Dick) Bremer get in my way, so be it. GLEN PERKINS (PITCHER, 2006-2017): You know, it’s a complicated legacy. I th—wait a minute, what is (Justin} Morneau doing with…is that a musket? DICK BREMER (TWINS PLAY-BY-PLAY, 1983-PRESENT): That’s a musket. Take cover, Glen. Fortunately, I’ve been to a St. Cloud State Homecoming or two in my day. [LIGHTS MOLOTOV COCKTAIL, HEAVES FLAMING COUCH AT POLITE YET FERAL SASKATOON HORDE] BRAD RADKE (PITCHER, 1995-2006): I don’t think she was much of a fisherman, right? BYRON BUXTON (OUTFIELDER, 2015-PRESENT): England is a country where I’ve never had a devastating injury. Liz is good by me. ROCCO BALDELLI (MANAGER, 2019-PRESENT): Was following Phish around the country in 2015, just chill vibes for days. They played Alpine Valley and on night 1, the minute they kicked into “Tweezer,” who gets up on stage but the Queen herself? Just started jamming with Trey, couldn’t believe my eyes. Everyone says I was “feeling the effects” so to speak and there’s no video evidence, but I know what I saw. Her Majesty could shred. DAN GLADDEN (OUTFIELDER, 1987-1991; RADIO ANNOUNCER 2000-PRESENT): America fought a damn war for me not to care about this. I tell you what though, if the Queen came out to the farm and helped me move some earth, lay some sod, get her hands dirty, and maybe punch that egg-sucking bastard Steve Lombardozzi right in the solar plexus, I’d pay my respects. Image license here. View full article

NOTE: RandBall’s Stu is moving his youngest child to college this weekend. He asked former Twins great Joe Mauer to step in and write about the great Minnesota get-together. Thanks for helping out, Joe! Joe Mauer Reviews Minnesota State Fair Attractions “I don’t really like spicy food, but it’s cool what they do with butter.” NOTE: RandBall’s Stu is moving his youngest child to college this weekend. He asked former Twins great Joe Mauer to step in and write about the great Minnesota get-together. Thanks for helping out, Joe! Hey guys, it’s Joe Mauer from St. Paul. Like a lot of you I love going to the State Fair. If you’re new to Minnesota or haven’t gone in a while, here are some cool things to do. THE GIANT SLIDE A lot of you probably saw that picture of me and the kids on the Giant Slide last week. It was a pretty cool deal, but I made sure we hopped on right when we got there, before eating any of the food. When I was a kid, Jake (Mauer, Joe’s brother) got on it after eating a bunch of Fresh French Fries and he got a stomachache. We had to leave early so he wouldn’t barf. Mom was so steamed. THE BUTTER SCULPTURE I don’t really like spicy food or carving things (“Knives are the devil’s middle finger,” Mom says), but it’s cool what they do with butter. SWEET MARTHA’S COOKIES They give you a whole bucket of chocolate chip cookies! Las Vegas is supposed to be this cool, anything-goes city but I’ve been there, and guess what? No cookie bucket. What happens in Falcon Heights stays in Falcon Heights. THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE Went in here with (former Twins player and coach) Scott Ullger one time. Said one of the monarchs disrespected him. The next day he waved Jason Kubel home even though the shortstop had the ball. I don’t want to talk about it. THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH CENTER Mom doesn’t let us go in here but I’ve heard it’s pretty wild! 4-H BARN Lotta cute animals if that’s your thing. It smells kinda like that one time Corey Koskie ate Indian food in Fort Myers, so just know that going in. Pretty strong! THE HAUNTED HOUSE Not a chance! THE MIDWAY I keep winning all the big prizes at the throwing games and the carnies get mad at me. Also if anyone wants 17 giant stuffed tigers shoot me a DM. ALL YOU CAN DRINK MILK Holy cow! LOL, pun intended. Brother, you can sit me down there all day with a cold glass of 1% and keep them coming! Everyone there calls me “Norm.” I don’t correct them, figure they have their reasons. PRONTO PUPS You guys know I’m not a guy who’s going to do a bunch of hot takes, but I’m just going to say it: Pronto pups are the real deal. Lotta pals love corn dogs, Glen Perkins says they’re “the glizzy” and I’m pretty sure that’s a Stillwater swear. For me, though? A pronto pup with just a bit of ketchup. Too much of the big red will get you antsy in the pantsy. Go easy. Thanks for reading! Image license here. View full article

“The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie.” The Minnesota Twins have done an admirable job getting as much use out of Byron Buxton in 2022 as possible, even leading the star centerfielder to an All-Star berth. Still, with injuries continuing to pile up, the team sought a second opinion after Buxton’s recent trip to the IL. The results aren’t pretty, but they aren't surprising. “Byron Buxton has adult-onset Evel Knievelism,” said Dr. Nicole Baumhardt, a physician at Johns Hopkins. This incredibly rare condition usually affects only those who jump motorcycles over things and plummet to the unforgiving asphalt, or people who’ve appeared on more than one season of MTV’s Jackass. It's named after Robert Craig “Evel” Knievel, a popular stuntman from the 1960s and ‘70s. He’s perhaps best known for failing to land a sick jump over the Caesars Palace fountains in Las Vegas, breaking his pelvis, femur, hip, wrist, and both ankles. Baumhardt says she wishes this was all that was hurting Buxton. “All of Byron’s bones are broken,” said Baumhardt. “In addition, he has extra bones that the human body isn’t supposed to have, bones we’ve never seen. Those are also broken. “The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie. We put him in an iron lung and the iron lung fell down a very long flight of stairs with him in it, rebreaking his broken bones harder. We placed him in a full body cast and there is now a wasps’ nest under his right arm, leading to very painful welts. He has COVID-20. You don’t even want to know what that is.” “We’ll continue managing (Byron’s) rest,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “He’s going to need a day off here and there, but we still hope he can contribute to our playoff drive. The league says his body cast is technically a uniform if we put a name and number on it, which helps. “The tough part is that he just got into the trainer’s room and a piano fell on him. We don’t know how a piano ended up in there, but it just up and tipped over on him, rebreaking the rebroken bones that were already broken. He might be a go on Sunday, but we’ll have to wait and see how he responds to treatment or if any other large, heavy objects smash his unique slurry of bone and muscle yet again. Until then, our other guys have to step up.” Image license here. View full article

New Twins starting pitcher exits game before new dad Kevin can try his best, reports middle schooler. Connor Landry, 12, was excited about Minnesota’s flurry of trade deadline activity. “They looked like they were really trying,” said the Eagan 7th-grader. “They got bullpen guys! They got Tyler Mahle! And now he’s already hurt.” The latter incident means Connor’s stepdad, Kevin, still doesn’t have the baseline awareness of the updated roster to mispronounce Mahle’s last name. “He tries really hard to relate to me about the Twins but it’s pretty bad,” said Connor. “He called Jorge Polanco ‘Georgy Pelicans’ when we went to Applebee’s and said Bill Ripke was his favorite pitcher growing up. He wasn’t even drinking.” Kevin, who works at either a bank or a gym, married Connor’s mom last year and has been clearly trying to find ways to relate to his new stepson with mixed results. “It was cool that he took us to the Mall of America and paid for all the rides,” said Connor. “But then he took me to a St. Paul Saints game and asked if they ever played against the Twins. Then he asked if they had a robust TikTok presence. Who does that?” Connor speculates that Kevin, who won’t shut up about bitcoin, would have called the former Cincinnati Reds hurler “Kelvin muh-LAY.” “Then he’d probably say he liked the move but that they should have traded Milo Pagen for Juan Solo.” With his birthday approaching, Connor worries that he’s going to get tickets to Target Field. “I’d love to go to a game again, but he said he wants to show me the whole North Loop experience and hit up Billy Sushi for mocktails,” said Connor. “I don’t even know what any of that means. I just want a phone.” View full article

"It's just a matter of grinding it out," said the lifelong Twins fan, who apparently is just going to wear that bathrobe all day. As the Minnesota Twins closely monitor the condition of Byron Buxton’s knee, at least one fan thinks the whole situation has gone too far. “There’s a difference between hurt and injured, and sometimes you have to play hurt,” said Charlie Johnsrud, 54, a real slob. “I think the Twins know this, but they’re coddling him a little bit.” The Bloomington-based call center manager, who has called in sick to work because of a hangover twice in the last three months, claims it’s unusual for a team’s superstar to take so many days off. “I just think, given the financial commitment the team made to him, that he has to put his big boy pants on,” said the twice-divorced goon, who has a pair of sweatpants he calls “my going-out ones.” Johnsrud, who would drink the dipping sauce from Raising Cane’s out of a pint glass if people would just be cool about it, thinks Buxton’s patellar tendinitis is as mental as it is physical. “He’s had a ton of injuries in his career, so he’s probably paranoid,” said Johnsrud, whose unused Lifetime Fitness membership is entering its fourth year. “He needs to get out of his head and onto the field, just saying.” With the team out of first place for the first time in months, he thinks the urgency of the moment demands action. “When I threw out my back, I still had to go to work,” said Johnsrud, who actually took two weeks off to recuperate after his cat scared him while he was on the toilet. “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. They need all hands on deck.” Johnsrud, who attacks a Culver’s ButterBurger with a ferocity not usually seen outside the animal kingdom, still considers himself a Buxton fan. “I love the guy, I even bought a Buxton jersey last year. When he’s healthy he’s a beast.” Johnsrud could not confirm if the significant stain on the jersey was ketchup or spaghetti sauce, but agreed that it looks like Germany. View full article