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  • Lawyers Agree: Twins, Vikings Monday Games Were Cruel, Unusual.


    RandBalls Stu

    As a fan, you have rights. You’ve been injured. Someone is responsible.

    Image courtesy of Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

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    Minnesota sports fans had to endure a long, 5-game weekend of dreadful Twins baseball, one that essentially zapped the squad's dwindling playoff hopes. After Monday afternoon’s 11-4 beatdown, anyone seeking solace from the Minnesota Vikings were met with a humiliating 24-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Monday Night Football.

    Now, some local attorneys are fighting back.

    “It’s outrageous that we just let the billionaires of Major League Baseball and National Football League schedule these games on the same day,” said Jacob Moynahan, a junior partner at Frederickson & Byron. “The foreseeable emotional damage this day would impart on innocent taxpayers and their guileless, doe-eyed children was avoidable. They simply chose to ignore it.”

    Meyer is just one of the lawyers filing a class-action lawsuit against MLB, the NFL, Bally Sports North, and ESPN on behalf of Twins fans, Vikings fans, and anyone who was at a Buffalo Wild Wings for Boneless Wing Mondays and was exposed to the broadcasts.

    “The Twins going into Cleveland with their season on the line is traditionally a bad idea,” said Robin Sherman, an attorney with Faegre Drinker. “The names ‘Ron Davis’ and ‘Jamie Quirk’ are burned into our collective memory, the trauma passed down from generation to generation.”

    “You send the baseball team to Cleveland in mid-September,” said Moynahan. “Then you add Monday Night Kirk (a reference to Minnesota quarterback Kirk Cousins, whose performance in nationally televised games is often compared to watching your first childhood pet die from loneliness) to the mix? Malice. Negligence. High crimes.”

    Sherman says they’re seeking damages in the millions of dollars.

    “They say you can’t put a price tag on suffering,” said Sherman. “They also say the AL Central was an easy division to win, or that the Vikings turned a corner after whipping the Packers in Week 1. They say a lot of things. We demand compensation. We demand to be heard. We demand a Monday where we can watch Wheel of Fortune and get a good night’s sleep, where the sadness won’t find us.”

    MLB, the NFL, the Twins, and the Vikings did not return calls seeking comment.

     

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    I have discovered that Kleenex has secretly bought into the Minnesota teams - they began with the Timberwolves and now expanded as their sales of tissues for the weeping fans.  

    Some people suffer the SAD (seasonal Affect Disorder) in November and December, Twins and Vikings fans don't wait that long, their seasons cause suffering in September and lead us into the darkness ahead.

     

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    Representing the leagues and the teams against the fans in this suit will be the local media, led by the strong team of Dick Bremer, LaVelle E. Neal III, Paul Allen, and a fourth media member yet to be chosen who sent out a Tweet comparing the Earned Run Average of Emil Pagan and Taylor Rogers for the month of July through August 2nd. 

    Bremer, Allen, and Neal, speaking for the Twins and Vikings, say that the fans are being unreasonable, as usual. They say that the fans are wrong to expect so much and would have done the same thing anyway if they were in charge, which they weren’t. They also added that the fans should just wait a couple years for the young guys to develop and the plan to fall into place, and stop complaining.

    In response, the fans had no comment. Or were left speechless. Hard to know the difference anymore. 

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    Word down at Riley's Pub And Prognosticators is that Captain Checkdown has retained Hookem, Cookem and Snookem to launch his own legal suit against the NFL for deliberately scheduling him to play on Monday nights. "It's hard to justify my $50,000,000 salary when I stink up the joint on national TV," he argues. "How am I supposed to ask for another salary bump to $70,000,000 a season when I'm throwing passes two yards behind the line to Cook when he's surrounded by a linebacker, a cornerback and a safety? I got a family to feed, you know? I need a couple wide receivers capable of getting open."

    The Prognosticators at the baseball end of bar reported that the Twins' Falvey claims he's found another starting pitcher for next season, soon as he recovers from double Tommy John, a herniated disc and a deviated septum. "I'm sure Rocco can get a couple innings out of him before he hits the 50-pitch mark and has to go on the IL," Falvey insisted knowingly. "Maybe we can use him to close games."

    Riley accepts all the sports talk with a knowing grin. "The more the Twins and Vikings choke the more beer I sell and the more money I make," he says with a snorted laugh. "And that's not even considering what I take in when the Timberwolves start up. God, I love this state!"

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