Max Kepler Loses Arm, Insists He Shouldn't Need Injured List Stint

In a stunning development in recent days, Max Kepler revealed to his manager Rocco Baldelli that he has a little nagging pain in his left arm, mostly due to the fact that it was torn clean off his torso over the weekend.

But even more stunning (though not exactly surprising given the subject of the story), Kepler insists that he'll be back in game form come the weekend series in Seattle. 

“Yeah, it hurts, but I'm not sure I'm ready to call it an actual injury yet,” said the 30-year-old right fielder. “Just give me, like, two or three more days, and I promise: I'll be back and better than ever.”

Kepler has been out of action since last Thursday, when he felt neck stiffness while in the on deck circle before his first inning at-bat. He would then go on to attempt a bunt with two outs, and he'd eventually slide headfirst into the first base bag--unsuccessfully, but without shame.

It was a questionable series of decisions from Kepler, but it was par for the course given his line of thinking in recent years when pushed to the decision point of losing playing time, or playing through the pain. 

“I appreciate the dog in him that wants to stay in the fight, I really do,” said a member of the Twins’ training staff. “But dude - you're not a lizard. That thing ain't growing back by Friday.”

Kepler was seen in the Twins’ weight room early this morning, spreading what appeared to be chia seeds on the shoulder which once held his left arm. He then went into the batting cage and took a round of one-armed batting practice.

“Look, I felt good coming out of the cage today. Still definitely have some things I'm trying to figure out - mostly the arm thing,” said Kepler as he periodically checked to see if the chia concoction was working yet. “It's mostly a matter of pain tolerance, and how hard can that be? Right Buck?”

He looked over at Byron Buxton, who gave a nod of agreement as he laid down for his daily six-hour pregame iron lung treatment. 

As far as a potential roster move is concerned, the Twins’ stalwart slugger has avoided injury stints in the past by sweet-talking his manager. It's still to be determined if that persuasion will work this time around.

“I'm pretty torn on what we should do with him,” said Baldelli. “On one hand, he's one of the leaders in this team as we head into a crucial stretch before the All-Star break. On the other hand--well, there is no other hand, because it's on the arm that got yanked off.”

If the team does decide to put Kepler on the injured list, a resurgent Matt Wallner could take his place quite seamlessly in the interim. But the club passed up on promoting him just last week, when Alex Kirilloff went on the injured list. Now the Twins just have to decide if now is the right time to give Wallner another shot, or take Kepler at his word that he'll be game-ready in short order.

“Whatever they decide, I understand. But I really think I'll be able to help the team really soon,” said an eternally hopeful Kepler. “And my neck is feeling better than ever.”