Twins Announce “Heritage Rotation” Week

[Cody Christie]

Image courtesy of © Jerry Lai-Imagn Images

Minneapolis–They say hindsight is 20/20, so this week, the Twins are literally pitching with yesterday’s stars. Well, maybe not stars, but at least they are functional arms. In a move part corporate wellness, part time-travel experiment, Minnesota today unveiled “Heritage Rotation Week,” a bold plan to deploy only members of the 2012 starting staff for the next series. Why? Because the Twins rotation has been humming along, and it’s time to throw the opposition a bone. Who better to prove it than Francisco Liriano, Nick Blackburn, Scott Diamond and Cole De Vries?

“We looked at our injury reports and thought, ‘What if everyone simply stopped throwing for a week?’” said Twins president Derek Falvey, pausing for dramatic effect. “Then we realized: why stop when we can rewind? These guys were perfectly adequate, and no one will have updated scouting reports on them.”

Ceremonial opener Diamond, who was known for some quirky behavior, will now hurl the first three innings.

“It’s like stepping into a time machine,” Diamond chuckled. “Only this one smells faintly of the burnt nacho cheese. I’m here to set a tone—mostly by reminding our modern arms that pizza after a flight to Cleveland is a perfectly acceptable dinner.”

Francisco Liriano, who once clocked triple-digit fastballs and then… didn’t, is back to “rediscover the joy.”

“I miss the days when my slider was sharper than my razor,” he quipped, finger-wagging at an imaginary batter. “Plus, free old-school clubhouse tunes. 'Call Me Maybe' is on heavy rotation.”

Nick Blackburn, the oft-memed “Blackburn’d,” hasn’t forgotten the 2012 heartbreak.

“I’ll be fine,” he insisted. “It’s not every week I get to remind Twitter what ‘4.88 ERA’ feels like live. Besides, the analytics team insists I’m a perfect ‘matchup start.’ I still don’t know what that means, but it sounds important.”

Cole De Vries, whose claim to fame is the worst WAR ever for an Eden Prairie High School graduate (-0.1 WAR) and a career high in hot dogs consumed, is thrilled to be back in a starter’s role, if only temporarily.

“They asked me to warm up. I thought, ‘Do they want the hot dogs?’" De Vries said. "Turns out, it was innings.”

Meanwhile, the current rotation (including Pablo López, Bailey Ober, Joe Ryan and company) will enjoy an unscheduled “wellness week.” López, pacing with a Theragun in one hand, sighed:

“Thought I’d finally face a division rival. Instead, I’m staring at my ceiling, contemplating a Zoom Pilates class. My shoulder’s never been happier.”

Twins manager Rocco Baldelli says Heritage Week is as much philosophy as strategy.

“We’re honoring our past while preserving our future. These veterans will pitch, yes, but more importantly, they’ll mentor via osmosis. If Pablo picks up a trick from Nick Blackburn about ‘how not to give up a 3rd-inning bomb,’ that’s synergy.”

Baldelli laughed when pressed on potential drawbacks—say, opponents studying 2012 film and finding that Blackburn’s changeup was straight-out schlepped.

“Baseball’s the ultimate rematch. We all know Nick’s off-speed stuff, but do the kids? It’s like dropping Beethoven on a TikTok remix: classic, but confusing.”

Falvey insists the move isn’t just for laughs.

“We ran simulations,” he explained, sipping coffee from a fading coffee mug with the 2012 London Olympics logo. “Turns out pitching every fifth day can boil your arm faster than a July porch party. This rotation is an R&D project. If it works, we might do ‘Heritage Third Base Week’ next, with Corey Koskie and Nick Punto.”

Jeremy Zoll interjected: “And if it fails, we’ve got social-media gold for days. #ThrowbackTwins.”

Love it or loathe it, Heritage Rotation Week is upon us. If these 2012 starters can keep the ship afloat, the Twins will have achieved the ultimate feat: a 162-game season that feels like one glorious, slightly grayer throwback. And if they falter… well, at least we’ll get plenty of tweets about it. (In 2012, we still called them that.)

 

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[ryanking61]

Scott Diamond, now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time! 

[Cody Christie]

3 minutes ago, ryanking61 said:

Scott Diamond, now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time! 

[Linus]

Another funny article that isnt funny. 

[Rod Carews Birthday]

Hey! Bert Blyleven is probably available.  Imagine the post game interviews!

 

[IndianaTwin]

23 hours ago, ryanking61 said:

Scott Diamond, now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time! 

The thought of Diamond hurling for three innings makes me want to hurl.