Did you know that marine scientists are making an effort to replace the name starfish with sea star? Neither did I, but these are the kinds of things you learn when you have a toddler (who decided it’s so important to know all the animals and what sounds they make?) Anyway, maybe it’s also time for us baseballogists to review the game’s nomenclature.

The purpose behind renaming the starfish is due to the fact that it’s not, in fact, a fish at all. Per National Geographic, sea stars are more closely related to sea urchins and sand dollars. Makes sense, right? It seems to me like we could apply that same logic to the following terms:

Baseball: Let’s just start right at the top. Calling the game baseball makes sense, but calling the actual ball itself a baseball? That’s ludacris if you really think about it. If anything, it should be called a seam ball. Or, the way things are going lately, maybe a space ball.

Foul line/foul pole: If you hit one of these two things, it’s a fair ball. So why not just call them the fair line and fair pole?

No hitter: This one works, but I always felt like maybe it’s too on the nose. You don’t call a shutout a no runner or a no scoresy. No-no is pretty solid, but how about we start calling them blankers? This has a double meaning: 1) The pitcher has put up nothing but blanks on the scoreboard, and 2) The opposing hitters probably spent the entire game saying “mother (blank)-er” to themselves.

Instant replay: Replay.

Batting average: Hit percentage. “Batting average” isn’t nearly as descriptive as its brethren in the triple slash line (on-base percentage and slugging percentage).

Lineup card: Beat writer photo bait.

Extra innings: This will remain the term for major league baseball, but in the minor leagues this will now be referred to as the “Intentional Walk and Bunt Showcase.”

Hall of Fame: National Museum of Baseball. In very fine print under that would be listed “also includes the Hall of Baseball Writers’ Popularity Club.”

Sacrifice Bunt: Sacrifice out.

Productive out: Advancing out. The productivity part of it is highly subjective.

Scoring position: This term is still considered current, but Byron Buxton’s ability to score from first base has caused this to be transitioned into the “under review” stage.

Small ball: This term is also currently under review. If the baseballs continue to be juiced, this will be updated to “bad-idea ball.”

Umpire: This is still current, but in a transitional stage. Preparations are being made to change this to either Mr. Roboto, Johnny 5 or RoboCop.

That’s all I could come up with for now, but it is your duty as a fellow baseballogist to contribute to this project. Please offer up your own update suggestions in the comments.

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