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Cold Shoulder to Land On


Axel Kohagen

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The day after Wednesday - which is the day I publish my evaluation of Twins baseball FROM BEYOND THE EXPERIENCE OF NORMAL BASEBALL MINDS - an epic, significant omen occured. Many have already rushed to offer insight upon this experience, which is a GRAVE MISTAKE! Only the knowledge of a professional supernatural baseball blogger should be considered in situations such as these.

 

Now, unfortunately, I have no knowledge to add to this experience, but I will continue to type and pontificate anyway, under the assumption that a hefty helping of my SUPERNATURAL MYSTICISM will show the factual reports of this event as what they are.

 

During the opening ceremony for Twins baseball, an eagle by the name of "Challenger" (I have it on good authority these showbiz eagles rarely use the names they were given at hatching when they perform) FORSOOK the calls of his trainer and, after experiencing some resistance, landed upon the shoulder of Seattle Mariner's starting pitcher James Paxton.

 

Is this what we call love? I believe not. "Challenger" clearly swats the back of the pitcher on the dismount, as if from one bro to another. Eagles are huge dudebros.

 

Did this bald-faced wannabe albatross CURSE the pitcher? Only time will tell. I do see he ended the game with a lucky 7 strike outs . . . and a less lucky 7-plus ERA. Perhaps the real curse will not occur until the next FULL MOON, when James Paxton unfurls his feathers as a WERE-EAGLE, flying from pick-up truck to pick-up truck and admiring his likeness in decal form.

 

Birds are quite often MAGICAL HARBINGERS of major events. Perhaps Challenger represents the snarky Minnesota attitude that DARES ask the question, "COLD ENOUGH FOR YA?"

 

It is still possible that this bird was simply a big fan of a pitcher named "James Pullman" and, as if often the case, became confused.

 

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? Fear not - I will watch the signs for you. Perhaps when the EAGLE LANDS UPON THE OPPONENT it signifies a PATRIOTIC GREATNESS is protecting our Twins hopes to win the World Series. And birds ARE the most majestic creatures to routinely crap all over our cars.

 

Flipping the bird as necessary,

 

Axel Kohagen

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