Dave The Dastardly

You mean a big blooper? That would give him time to circle the bases.

My Highbrow T-Shirt says "My Fecal Matter Renders No Olfactory Sensation" My wife thinks it stinks. I told her to wash it. The T-shirt.

Oh my God! Three posts in a row? Is that like a strikeout? It's hell playing catch-up on GT. Or should that be GOT?

Blue Duck had a treatment. Yours sounds similar.

You mean if Phil Hughes starts it will be a Miracle?

Are they having you jump through the hoops?

Only to protect the innocent.

JFC... Is that another broasted chicken place?

But its a dry cold.

He sounds like what the Grand Poohba advises when asked if a guy should go to the game thread for advice.

No Lo, no Mo?

That's assuming somebody else could get on base.

I'm still flipping mine. I don't want a phone smarter than me. I've got a wife for that.

MASH was too cerebral. Coach on Cheers brought things down to my level.

Speaking of old TV shows... and bad baseball weather (it takes a special talent to be able to connect those two diverse topics, or just a couple of brewskis and a bifurcated mind - two out of three ain't bad) but back when I was a kid every Twins game on TV was played during a "snow" storm. Even in July. It was what we called super low definition.

And for the Pirates: Harrison .278 Polanco .385 Marte .250 Bell .438 Dickerson .077 Cervelli .200 Moran .167 Rodriguez .167 Nova Sure

Here ya go: Twins Dozier .316 Rosario .188 Sano .176 Morrison 0.000 Escobar .385 Kepler .308 Buxton .200 Castro .091 Odorizzi Yeah, right.

As I was out blowing 8" snow off the driveway, away from the garage door, the barn door (no, not that barn door, it wasn't that deep), the shop, the house and the wife's bird feeders I started to wonder; how many outdoor baseball fans does it take to clear snow out of Target Field? Sounds like the beginning of a Seinfeld joke. Anyone have any thoughts as to the punchline? I thought I had one there for a moment but then it drifted...

In Search of a Yardarm Every St. Patrick’s Day my wife of 32 years (give or take a year or two, I lost track - but don’t tell my wife) and I sit down with a bowl of popcorn to watch John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara in “The Quiet Man”. If you’ve never seen it, give it a whirl. It was filmed in Ireland and has the distinction of being known as the only movie in which John Wayne played somebody other than himself. Anyway, watching the Quiet Man is one of my family’s traditions. My mother, God bless her soul, was Irish. Well, not Irish-Irish, but 2nd generation American Irish. That makes me half German, half-Irish. And some might say half-a$$ed. Actually being German-Irish just means I’m schizophrenic. I never know if I should be having fun and feeling guilty because I’m not working hard, or working hard and feeling guilty because I’m not having fun. So why do I bring this up here? Is this just another half-a$$ed attempt at writing a game thread? Well... Okay, you got me. But let’s see if I can tie enough of this together to get me off the hook (hang onto that last word for now) and go full monty. In the Quiet Man a well-meaning but uneducated little man (Barry Fitzgerald) informs his fellow Irishmen that the Duke is from “Pittsburgh, Massachusetts USA”. And in an amazing coincidence today’s game is in Pittsburgh! But we all know Pittsburgh isn’t in Massachusetts. Well, at least of those of us who didn’t flunk geography in grade school. But even though I know where Pittsburgh is, I’ve never been there. And the same could be said for many of the Twins players; they’ve never been to Pittsburgh either. Not that we’re boycotting the place or anything. It’s just that the Pirates, despite having one of the coolest team names in baseball, are in the wrong league. Arrrrgh! The curious among us might wonder how a baseball team in a landlocked city managed to steel (that’s a pun - think about it) a name like Pirates for its team. I mean pirates are usually associated with sailing ships and oceans. Not steel mills and rivers. So why the stretch? It seems the team was originally called the Alleghenys. Fearsome as that name may be, after the Alleghenys were accused of “pirating” star players from other teams by offering them more money under the table (sort of an illegal early free agency thing) the team officially changed their name to Pirates, rubbing a little salt in the wounds of the offended clubs. This player snatching thing is something Twins management should keep in mind, especially if a few of our players turn up missing after this series. Remember Liriano? Arrrrgh! Not that the Pirates and Twins have never before fired broadsides at each other. The Pirates blew away the Twins’ main mast, mizzen mast and half mast (say that last one real fast) back in 1925 when the Twins weren’t yet identical and still called themselves the Washington Senators. According to Cliff’s (that’s a Cliff with a Claven attached) Notes, it’s a little known fact that the Pirates made the Senators walk the plank in the 1925 World Series in what was arrrrghuably a tough seven game series. Another note from Cliff; back in pirate days the front of a sailing ship was known as the forecastle and the rear of the ship was called the aftcastle. That meant if you were standing in the middle of the ship you were half-aftcastle; thus the etymology of the more modern “half-a$$ed”. Putting partial derrieres, pirates and Pittsburgh’s team history behind us, you know, because we are family, and to parrot (bingo!) the official Twins propaganda, I’m sure the Twinks will prevail because, you know, they have cannons for arms, and the team will safely dock in our own landlocked city without being shanghaied and with pieces-of-eight in their pockets. Let’s just hope the Twins don’t get the hook in this series. I hope that wasn’t too long, John Silver. Steering from the aftcastle today: For the Twins: Windjammer Jake Odorizzi 0-0 0.00 ERA .67 WHIP For the Pirates: Ivan the Terrible Nova 0-0 3.60 ERA 1.80 WHIP Boarding Crew: Unknown at this time as I have to go outside and BLOW SOME DAMN SNOW!

The wife and I are already planning a trip to see the Kernels this summer. Three hour drive away so we'll stay overnight and catch a couple of games before heading back. Gonna be fun!!!!

Solution: Knock 6 games off the schedule, schedule 4 double-headers for each team in mid-summer, start the season no sooner than mid-April, schedule all cold-climate teams to play on the road in April and lower the price of beer and hot dogs. Players will be happy they don't have to play in 30 degree weather at the risk of pulling a muscle (you ever catch a line drive or hit a ball off the end of the bat in cold weather? - hurts), fans will be happy they don't have to wear a snowmobile suit to enjoy outdoor baseball, out-of-area fans can plan vacations to take in a couple of games during warmer weather with less fear of having games canceled, and everybody will drink more beer and eat more hot dogs thus lining the pockets of team owners even further (check out what the Falcons did this past football season) and contributing to the ever-growing problem of overweight America, thus boosting the profits of doctors, hospitals, drug and insurance companies. Everyone's a winner. I'm here all week!

Okay, what's with the nose guard?

The radio announcers just informed us that Pittsburgh has the second most bridges of any city in the world. I'm thinking that last one was a Bridge To Far for the Twinkies.

Just heard a couple shots from my neighbor a half mile south of me. He was a Twins fan. I'm guessing the TV went first.

The longer a guy can keep his wife buffaloed, the longer he stays married. Sounds like you're good for another year or two. The Twins pitching staff... not yet sure they can buffalo other team's line-ups. But at least I'm not ready the throw in the towel either. Hope springs eternal if you're a Twins fan. Even if Minnesota doesn't have a spring anymore.