After much thought I have discovered how Derek Falvey could land Chris Archer AND Gerritt Cole for literally *nothing.* It's a little complicated so I'll break it down as cleanly as I can. Step 1: Call Rick Hahn. Tell him you’re a big fan of “chitown.” Ask about David Robertson and Jose Quintana. After Kahn says no to intra-divisional trading, tell him you're prepared to offer newly acquired Rays prospects Jose De Leon, Jesus Sanchez, and Chi Wei Hu. In addition you’re prepared to offer newly acquired top prospect Victor Robles, formerly of the Nationals. Wait 6.1 seconds for the Cubs to come out of a commercial break then put him on hold. Step 2: Call Pirates GM Neal Huntington. Tell him the Twins are willing to trade newly acquired OF Mike Conforto for Gerritt Cole plus Tony Watson. Wait 90 seconds for the Penguins to come out of commercial break then put him on hold. Step 3: Call Washington GM Mike Rizzo. Ask him if he got any mosquito bites after Trump drained the swamp, then offer David Robertson in exchange for Victor Robles and Erick Fedde. Wait 19 seconds for the Orioles to come out of commercial break then tell him to hold. Step 4. Call Brian Cashman. Tell him New York is the best city in New England. Tell him you’re prepared to offer newly acquired starter Jose Quintana for Clint Frazier, Justus Sheffield, and Chance Adams plus $10m cash. Hold. Step 5. Call Sandy Alderson. Tell him you just swung a deal with the Yankees, you stole their to prospect. Now he’s listening. You offer them Frazier for Conforto straight up. As Seinfeld returns from break you place him on hold. Step 6: Call Erik Neander. Tell him you always thought reports of his people’s demise 1.3 million years ago were greatly exaggerated. Offer $10m cash plus newly acquired Yankees prospects Sheffield and Adams plus Tony Watson in exchange for Chris Archer, JDL Jesus Sanchez and Chi Wei Hu. As the Yankees return from break you put him on hold. Step 7: Put Hahn back on the line. Tell him you spilled Land O Lakes milk all over yourself and had to clean up. Complete the trade: Robertson + Quintana for JDL, Sanchez, Hu, and Robles. Step 8: Put Huntington back on the line. Tell him your son was arrested. Complete the trade Cole + Watkins for Conforto. Step 9: Put Rizzo back on the line. Tell him your wife called and just had a baby. Complete the trade: Robles + Fedde for Robertson + Watkins. Step 10: Put Cashman back on the line. Tell him the microwave started on fire and your Stauffer’s was in there. Complete the trade Frazier + Sheffield + Adams + $10m cash for Quintana + Robertson. Step 11: Alderson: Tell him Thad threw a Febreeze scent bomb into your office and you had to open a window. Complete the trade Conforto for Frazier. Step 12: Put Neander back on the line: Tell him TC Bear had a wardrobe emergency. Complete the trade Archer + JDL + Sanchez + Hu for $10m + Sheffield + Adams + Watson. Aaaand presto. Archer and Cole are now Twins!