Not Wanting To Be Outdone, Joe Mauer Trying To Be Twins' Next Owner

After being inducted into the Hall of Fame in July, Joe Mauer thought he had it all. He’s an icon in his home state, he made hundreds of millions of dollars, and he has etched his name in the hallowed halls of Cooperstown, thanks to an incredible career. But it’s not enough to satisfy his ultimate desire: to be better than Buster Posey. 

In a stunning move on Monday, the San Francisco Giants announced the dismissal of their President of Baseball Operations Farhan Zaidi, and that he’d be replaced by their longtime catcher. It left many baseball fans scratching their heads, but it left Mauer seething with anger. After all, the two catchers were compared to each other year after year for what felt like an eternity, with Posey usually edging Mauer when it came to longevity at the position, championships won, and the fact that he had a more quintessential baseball name. 

“First of all, I’m not doing this just because of Buster – if that is his real name,” said Mauer, as he reached between the cushions of his living room couch while seeking loose change. “I’m doing this because I care about this team and I want to see them succeed. And yes, I would also love to see the look on Posey’s smug face when I once again take the top headline from him.”

Now, it takes more than desire to facilitate an ownership change. Mauer is going to need to find significant capital if he wants to entice the Pohlad family into selling their favorite cash cow. Estimates on the valuation of the MInnesota Twins sit somewhere in the neighborhood of $1.8 billion, and that’s a lot of milk money.

With that in mind, sources say that Mauer has enlisted his three children to help him raise money through a milk stand at the corner of their block. 

“I know they should probably be in school, but if we can scrounge up a few hundred million it will all be worth it,” said Mauer as he hung a ‘MAUERADE’ sign from a nearby light post. “Buster might have the bigger office for now, but I know the power of good ol’ 2% will get me on top eventually.”

The rivalry between Mauer and Posey may not have gotten a ton of notoriety in their playing days, but sources say that tensions have been rising for the last couple of years. In fact, some claim that the speech that Mauer gave at his Hall of Fame inauguration was actually a backup that he had prepared, and his original plan was to roast the former Giants’ backstop for 20 minutes. An old friend, Justin Morneau, was able to walk him back. 

“People don’t know this, but Joe is a very spiteful person behind closed doors,” Morneau said.  “The only reason he moved to first base midway through his career was because I took his parking spot one time, so he decided he would take my job.”

Many fans are warm to the idea of the club finding a new ownership group, and having it be the native son of Twins Territory likely appeals to multiple generations. Not only is Mauer a standout community member in the Twin Cities who garners respect from baby boomers and into Gen X, but he is the first Hall of Famer that many Mauerllenials can remember watching in person for their home team.

“At the end of the day, I want to do it for the fans,” said Mauer, as he dragged a cartful of his trophies into Pawn America. One of his Silver Slugger awards dropped to the ground, leaving a small dent at the base. “And if the fans really care about me and this team, they’ll help me get the higher ground on that snake down by the bay.”

For the record, too: Posey's real first name is Gerald. Gerald! So, Mauer might still have the last laugh. We will, anyway.