Target Field to Introduce Therapy Kiosks for Fans Experiencing 162-Game Emotional Roller Coaster

[Cody Christie]

Image courtesy of Brad Rempel-Imagn Images

MINNEAPOLIS—After a particularly “character-building” start to the 2025 season, the Minnesota Twins are taking a bold new step in fan engagement by unveiling Therapy Kiosks throughout Target Field. (Well, really only on the first level, because no one is sitting in the upper deck.) These kiosks are designed to help fans process the emotional trauma that comes with watching a team that can beat up on the White Sox and Angels, but also get walked off multiple times in the same series immediately thereafter.

“Twins fans are resilient,” said Twins President Derek Falvey at a press conference unveiling the kiosks. “But we also recognize that watching this team over 162 games can feel like emotional CrossFit. Sometimes you need more than rally sausages and rally squirrels. You need a licensed professional—or at least a screen that nods sympathetically while you scream into it.”

The kiosks, positioned just outside the concourse restrooms and directly across from the “We’ll Get ‘Em Tomorrow Night” merch stand, will offer five-minute guided meditations, emotional check-ins, and a feature called “Relive the 1991 Season” that loops Game 7 highlights to remind fans that once upon a time things were good.

But this isn’t just about mental health: the team is attempting to get more butts in the seats. With attendance down nearly 20% in April (which Falvey diplomatically referred to as “an atmospheric and competitive alignment challenge”), the team hopes these kiosks will offer just the right mix of catharsis and consumerism.

“After each session,” Falvey added, “fans will receive a buy-one-get-one-free helmet sundae coupon. We’ve found that nothing dulls the sting of a blown 7th-inning lead quite like shared ice cream in a plastic batting helmet.”

The idea was reportedly conceived during a marketing brainstorm where someone suggested “emotional damage control” and another replied, “We’re halfway there with Twins Twitter anyway.”

To test the kiosks, the team ran a simulation last week during a road trip to Cleveland, wherein the Guardians walked off the Twins twice, with the kind of soul-crushing precision usually reserved for tax audits. A group of longtime season ticket holders (who are mostly still around out of habit and inherited guilt) were invited to test the kiosks in real time.

Paul Hesterman, 54, who has had seats since the Metrodome days, described the experience:

“I screamed into the virtual therapist's face for 90 seconds, and when I was done, it just said, ‘It’s okay to feel this way.’ Then it played a flute version of ‘We’re Gonna Win Twins.’ Honestly? Cathartic.”

Marge Kranz, 76, used her session to vent about the bullpen.

“I told the kiosk I’m not mad, just disappointed. It nodded. Then it printed me a coupon and told me to hydrate. This is more validation than I’ve had in 60 years of Twins fandom.”

The Twins aren’t ruling out expanding the concept.

“We’re looking into an off-season grief processing kiosk, too,” Falvey hinted. “Maybe something fans can use when we trade someone they like for a reliever with ‘upside.’”

While no one knows whether the kiosks will actually increase attendance, one thing is certain: in a season full of uncertainty, Twins fans now have a place where they can scream, cry, and leave with ice cream. Because in Minnesota, hope springs eternal—until about mid-June.

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[Doctor Wu]

I live on the other side of this crazy planet so I can't get to Target Field so easily. What is a poor suffering Twins fan to do? I've tried deep breathing exercises, yoga, and even consuming more beer. Nothing is working. I fear that I may need start listening to Kenny G albums at full volume.