Target Field's Next Statue to Honor Fans Who Hold Ownership Accountable

[Lou Hennessy]

Plans were leaked for a new bronze statue of an empty chair, of which there have been plenty inside the stadium in this young season.

Image courtesy of Purple Wolf Graphics

After unveiling a picture-perfect tribute to the newest Twin to go into baseball’s hallowed Hall of Fame earlier this week, it appears the next statue to be erected outside of Target Field has been decided. An empty bronzed stadium seat will be placed outside Gate 29, honoring the fans who refused to show their support when the club needed them most.

“It’s not much, but at least I can say that I did my part in turning this mess around,” said Douglas Ryan as he smirked coyly from his living room couch. “I love baseball with a passion, but I hope ownership weeps when they think about those $13 I didn’t give them to watch my favorite team.”

It’s no secret that many fans across Twins Territory were hoping to see a resolution to the still-possible sale of the club over the offseason. But after Justin Ishbia dropped out of his pursuit, many were left disappointed at the thought of returning to the status quo of frugal roster moves that lead to a middling payroll for a once-exciting team.

Now, the heroic lifelong fans who are speaking with their pocketbooks and voting with their butts are finally getting the recognition and respect they are (clearly) lacking in other areas of their lives. On Monday night, a crowd of just 10,240 was announced (on an admittedly crummy weather night), which is the lowest announced attendance for an MLB game at Target Field outside of the COVID-impacted seasons. 

“I’m glad somebody is holding me accountable,” said Twins owner Joe Pohlad. “I didn’t realize that so many people weren’t pleased with the slow start to the season. Thank goodness these genius change-makers were there to show me who’s boss.

"To thank them for their service, we’re giving them 15% off of their next order at Señor Smokes," Pohlad continued, though he then switched to a rushed voice just above a whisper and added, "with a minimum purchase of $150, only valid on Wednesday day games in April and May.”

While the Twins’ offense has stumbled out of the gates, the first few weeks of the season have been a dream for local pessimists.

“I feel like I’m on the biggest heater of my life,” said Ryan, in front of his vast collection of signed memorabilia, items he considers precious family heirlooms. “In a way, I think my performance as a hater actually kinda makes me part of the team. When they do finally turn it around and win a championship, I’ll be part of that legacy. Right?”

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[tony&rodney]

Maybe a statue calling for a pause on all articles and comments related to ownership.

[Cody Schoenmann]

Thanks for asking the tough questions, Lou.