RandBalls Stu

I think the odds on Opening Day were 25-1?

Brent Amberg's $50 bet on the World Series, made on a whim at a Las Vegas casino, grew microscopically closer to reality on Thursday. He'll take it.As he sat under a fluorescent light in his windowless Apple Valley insurance office Thursday, Amberg tracked the Twins home opener on his phone while pretending to text clients. "My buddies and I were out in Vegas for the Super Bowl, and I had a good run at blackjack my first day there," said Amberg. "I walked past the sports book on the way to my room, saw the Twins at 33-1 to win the World Series, and put $50 on them. I absolutely and completely took it in the shorts the rest of the weekend. "I could have really used that $50," he added. He declined to go into detail. Minnesota's no-nonsense dispatch of division champion Cleveland allowed Amberg an entire minute to build a version of the world where his impulse wager on the Twins paid off in full. "The minute (Taylor) Rogers struck out the last batter, I put my phone down, took the slip out of my wallet, felt the paper between my thumb and forefinger, and thought about one of those above ground pools," said the Glencoe native. "Not those lousy blue ones that always look like they're about to collapse and have dead squirrels in 'em. A really sturdy one. Put it in the backyard, give the kids something to do outside instead of dicking around on the tablets all day. Man." Amberg confirmed that when the minute was up, he put the slip away, went to the break room, drank some water, and stared out the window at the employee parking lot for an undetermined amount of time. Click here to view the article

It speaks highly of TD readers that they're trying to suss out the actual German for this scenario. Couple of y'all did something at college besides keg stands, and I'm proud of you.

With Opening Day less than a week away, the Minnesota Twins are in the process of making some hard decisions. And for one local grad student, it means a lot of extra hours in the library and at her laptop.Cara Daugherty, 24, is working toward her master’s degree in Germanic Studies at the University of Minnesota. For now, her studies are taking a backseat to figuring out the correct phrasing for the reported elevation of German native Max Kepler to the leadoff spot in 2019. “The local media wants a fancy word like schadenfreude for this situation,” says Daugherty, who declined to name the personalities in question, but characterized them as “talk radio jackals” and “podcasters” who are constantly emailing and texting her for the right turn of phrase. “Everyone seems to agree that it’s a real roll of the dice on the team’s part,” says the Minneapolis resident. “But they also agree it would be pretty cool if there was a mysterious German word to tack on to the decision. ‘Rubes love big words’ is what one of them told me.” Her research, which has keyed in on words and phrases like “hubris”, “throwing darts”, and “Carlos Gomez, but in a black turtleneck”, has so far returned zero applicable results. “It just ends up being a string of angry-sounding words,” says Daugherty. “Nothing elegant or pithy to really bring the feeling of dread mingled with blind hope into view.” Erik Solheim, Daugherty’s faculty adviser, says this is not the first time such an issue has arisen. “Back when the Twins transitioned Miguel Sano to the outfield, we had a couple requests from media to winnow that entire disaster into one word or phrase,” says Solheim. “The best we could do was ‘Auf jeden Rechen auf dem gottverdammten Parkplatz treten’, which roughly translates to ‘stepping on every rake in the goddamn parking lot’,” Click here to view the article

Among the many “new school” approaches of the Twins front office is an increased focus on pitch framing, wherein catchers tweak their movements to maximize the odds of the home plate umpire calling a strike. Unfortunately, Jason Castro might have needed a little more clarification.Fort Myers police say they have reason to believe that Castro is behind a wave of crimes that have led to at least a half-dozen Twins pitchers arrested for crimes they claim they didn’t commit. Police spokesperson Mitch Haley says it appears Castro misunderstood staff directions to focus on pitch framing as a directive to “plot increasingly elaborate heists, capers, even frolics” and frame his battery mates for them. “We think Castro knowingly framed various teammates for crimes they did not commit,” says Haley. “We believe he was acting on orders from Twins management. It’s a serious situation, and I cannot comment any further as the investigation is ongoing.” In one incident, a Cape Coral pet store reported that all its cockatoos had disappeared, with a note left behind on Minnesota Twins stationery saying, “You’ll never find me or your dumb talking birds, if these are the ones that talk. I think they are?” There was also a signed Matt Magill baseball card and some sunflower seeds at the scene. A clubhouse source with knowledge of the situation fills in the rest of the story. “The day before the cops showed up, (Jason) Castro gave Magill a custom T-shirt, said he liked to do it for all his pitchers. The shirt said ‘I Like Cockatoos, But I Love Not Paying For Them’. Cops show up the next day, Magill’s wearing the shirt as a laugh, and they open the empty locker next to his. 37 cockatoos fly out. It was pretty (messed) up. That's too many birds, man.” Magill is still in custody as this goes to press. He joins Tyler Duffey and Blake Parker as Twins arrested for alleged bird theft from Gold Coast pet stores. Team sources say this is not the first time an incident like this has happened. Multiple players confirm that former Twins catcher Tom Prince misread an early report about pitch framing in 2003 as pitch farming, and buried Mike Fetters alive in hopes of a bumper crop of husky veteran relievers in the spring. It is not known if he succeeded. Click here to view the article

The Old Ones, praise their name, look to continue ravaging your favorite baseball team. After a spate of injuries to potential franchise cornerstones like Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano, there was growing speculation that the Injury Gods might finally take their foot off the gas in their gleeful demolition of the Minnesota Twins.Sources close to the Gods say Twins fans should brace for more anguish. “Oh, they’re not done with Minnesota yet,” said a source with knowledge of the Gods’ thinking, who asked for anonymity so as not to be sent to the Pit of Just Knives Always. “The second they found out how much joy Willians Astudillo brought the fan base and the Internet, that really got things cooking in The Chamber of That Which Is To Come.” A second source confirmed that the Twins were very close to getting out of Spring Training without further incidents beyond garden variety aches and pains. “They really thought the Sano injury was their masterstroke,” said a source in the front office of Dlekhem, Harvester of Ulnar Nerves. “They even made up a word, debridement, just to see if everyone else would repeat it. And they did! Lo, the laughter that echoed across The Great Hall of Wounds and Desolation hasn’t been heard since Teddy Bridgewater’s knee exploded. “They’re not ones to rest on their laurels, though. Even with (Byron) Buxton’s lost 2018 and the Sano injury and the Royce Lewis oblique strain, they’re always looking to inflict more pain. Even when they were about to adjourn for a weekend in Branson, they double checked to see if there was any delight in the Twins fan base. Astudillo’s name came right up.” What the Gods have planned cannot be known by mortal brains, which are too puny to process their baleful wrath. But both sources indicated that all options are on the table for suffering. “It could be something as pedestrian as a dislocated shoulder or a hamstring that just can’t get right, or it could be something truly decadent, like a rain of puppies and chainsaws,” speculated the first source. “Here are these adorable puppies colliding with the earth at incredible speed, and your mind can’t even process that horror, and then BOOM: Chainsaws. The mental and physical trauma is quite delicious.” Asked why the Gods seem so laser-focused on hammering the fragile spirits of Twins fans, the source confirmed what many had speculated all along. “The Old Ones, from Dlekhem to Ogenth the Ligament Flayer, are all Yankees fans. They also said they’re sending another storm this weekend. Sorry about that.” Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor. Click here to view the article

The Minnesota Twins have tinkered with Byron Buxton's swing for his entire tenure with the team. We've compiled all of them for reference.2015 Eliminate Leg Kick Modify Leg Kick, Move Back in Batter Box Full Leg Kick, Choke Up On Bat Eliminate Leg Kick, Become Switch Hitter Kick Both Legs, First Left Then Right Kick Both Legs, First Right Then Left 2016 A Big Rockette-style Kick While Yelling “WOOOOOOO” like Ric “Nature Boy” Flair Eliminate Leg Kick, Hold Bat by the Barrel Copy What Mike Hargrove Used to Do in the Seventies and Eighties and Straight-Up Bore Pitchers Into Walking You Modify Leg Kick, Wear Rollerblades, Rulebook Unclear on Legality/Exploit Potential Market Inefficiency Full Leg Kick, Do One Marine-style Push Up Between Pitches 2017 Eliminate Leg Kick, Get So Far Back in the Box That You’re Technically Behind the Umpire Modify Leg Kick, Take First Pitch No Matter What, Call Time, Do Cannonball Into Child’s Wading Pool That Has Been Placed in On-Deck Circle by Former Twins Great Junior Ortiz, Return Soaking Wet to Batter’s Box Forgot to Write Down What Worked in Summer/Fall 2017 and All the Game Tapes Are in a Storage Unit in Mahnomen But No One Has the Keycode to Open It and the Owner Disappeared in a Boating Accident That Authorities Describe As “Unsettling with Possible Occult Links” 2018 Full Leg Kick, Keep Hands Back, Tickle Catcher Modify Leg Kick, Throw Bat At Pitcher, Run to First While Benches Clear Eliminate Leg Kick, Bring Glove Instead of Bat Into Box, Catch First Pitch, Declare “I Am The Baseball King and You Will Recognize Me As Such,” Award Yourself First Base While Eating a Comically Large Leg of Lamb and Wearing Gilt-Edged Royal Finery Modify Leg Kick, Start a Small Business, Incorporate in Delaware to Dodge Corporate Income Taxes, Become Independently Wealthy, Start Competing Winter Baseball League in Sun Belt States, Take a Bath When It Flames Out, Lose Rest of Fortune in Series of Bad Investments, Declare Bankruptcy, Appear on VH1 Reality Show Called Dormitory Island Or Something Dumb Like That, Fight for Starting Centerfield Job Next Spring 2019 Just Do Whatever Until It Stops Working. Click here to view the article

Minnesota's alleged interest in free agent utility man Marwin Gonzalez has sparked speculation on his potential place on the Twins’ 25-man roster. For Your Dad, though, the real guessing game is what he’s going to call him. Sources close to Your Family confirmed on Thursday that conversations about the possible signing concluded with Your Dad wondering why they’re signing “this Merlin Gonzalez character” instead of Bryce Harper.“He was pretty animated,” said Your Stepmom. “He kept going on about how they have all this money to spend and that this Merlin fellow wasn’t going to help them beat Cleveland.” Your Dad, who was heard discussing the effectiveness of Twins reliever “Travis Hamburger” last Labor Day weekend at a family picnic, appears to be weighing a couple options in misremembering the 29-year-old veteran’s name. “Once Wheel of Fortune got done, he was fired up about the whole thing,” said Your Brother, who is living at home after the Bay Area start-up he worked at that sold artisan soaps over the internet went belly up. “It was all Dallas Kutcher (sic) this, Craig Kilborn (sic) that, and here the Twins are signing Merman.” Your Brother confirmed that he meant the former Houston Astros mainstay, and not the fearsome half-man/half-fish. “When he said Merlin earlier, I figured he’d stick with that, but the Merman thing was unexpected,” said Your Brother, who had to know that his former company’s business plan was unsound but has been chasing that big paycheck ever since dropping out of Hamline and breaking off his engagement with Nicole, who, let’s face it, was way too good for him and is probably happier with Nigel, her yoga instructor. “I really want to see how this plays out if Gonzalez signs and plays well.” A person close to the situation said this has the potential to be Your Dad’s greatest Twins-related befuddlement since the Mike Pagliarulo Incident of 1991. Click here to view the article

In the wake of relatively low-risk contract extensions given to Jorge Polanco and Max Kepler, some wondered if this meant the Minnesota Twins were ready to make a bigger splash with a veteran contributor.Depending on your perspective, they’ve done just that. Multiple sources have confirmed to Twins Daily that the team has extended their contract with Koopmeinens Amusements & Golf Cart Repair to rent the TC Bear costume through 2023. Financial terms of the agreement were not disclosed, but it is expected to cover theft, fur replacement, and the climate-controlled Tuff Shed where the head is stored. “We’re thrilled to continue partnering with the Koopmeinens team,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. The Royalton-based business, located in a haunted industrial park off Highway 10, has provided costume rental for the franchise ever since they provided the low bid for mascot services in 2004. “My dad (Harlan Koopmeinens, the company’s founder) and I stopped at a consignment store in Wisconsin back in the ‘80s, and there was this giant bear costume,” said COO Horace Koopmeinens. “It turned out a local community college had gone belly up when the FBI discovered that all the tuition money was going to the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, and all their old sports equipment wound up there. Pops bought the bear costume for $20, put it in our pole barn, and waited for the right opportunity. When we saw the (team’s) Craigslist ad, we asked for $25. The rest is history.” Levine said the quality of the suit has never been in doubt. “The barn cats used the head to birth their litters,” said Levine. “The clubbies really had to get in there with some soapy water, but it was still in surprisingly good shape. Those Rajneeshees built a sturdy mascot.” TC Bear is now the longest-running mascot in team history, although that mark does come with an asterisk after the ill-fated “Replace TC Bear with a Real Bear” promotion on June 30, 2013, when a Kodiak brown bear in a powder blue Tom Brunansky jersey interrupted TC’s consecutive game streak and ate Clete Thomas. Click here to view the article

Wouldn't be me without a dumb typo in my first post. Fixed, thanks!

A young Eden Prairie boy plans to buy a Bryce Harper rookie card this weekend. One area baseball executive is hoping he can change his mind. Jake Evenson, 10, got a $20 bill for his birthday. The young Eden Prairie baseball fanatic knows exactly what he wants, too: a Bryce Harper rookie card.“He’s my favorite player, and there’s one I can get for $15,” said Evenson. “Mom said we could buy it this weekend.” Twins Executive Vice President and Chief Baseball Officer Derek Falvey wants him to reconsider. “I think he should really take a wait-and-see approach to this purchase,” said Falvey. “He has a solid card collection right now. If it appreciates in value, that’s when he can strike.” Evenson, who was pulled out of science class to take Falvey’s phone call, was confused. “It was pretty weird. This man said I should hold onto that $20 if I needed it down the line. I’m 10. I don’t have bills. I like Bryce Harper and I can afford it. “The last time someone got a call in my class it’s because their dad was in jail,” Evenson added. Falvey, who said the phone call was part of the team’s new Community Outreach program, understands Evenson’s passion, but urged the youngster to take the long view. “What if he really gets into Fortnite or comic books? At that age, your tastes are mercurial. All of a sudden, you have this Bryce Harper card that was cool at the time, but now you want to trade it in for some Claremont-era X-Men issues. Then the market isn’t there and all you can get is a cruddy Daredevil that smells like milk.” Evenson remains adamant. “I like Spiderman, but Mr. Falvey said he’s not an X Man. I want a Bryce Harper card because I have money and he’s awesome.” Falvey remains convinced that he can sway the child to his way of thinking. “Later today we’re sending T.C. Bear to Jake’s after-school program with a dozen pizzas and a personalized t-shirt cannon signed by Jonathan Schoop,” said Falvey. “If he’s still apprehensive, we’ll let him shoot the cannon at TC with whatever he wants: apples, staple guns, you name it. Don’t tell TC that.” _____________________________________________ Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor. Click here to view the article