Jump to content
Twins Daily
  • Create Account

RandBalls Stu

Twins Daily Contributor
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    785

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    3

 Content Type 

Profiles

News

Minnesota Twins Videos

2026 Minnesota Twins Top Prospects Ranking

2022 Minnesota Twins Draft Picks

Minnesota Twins Free Agent & Trade Rumors, Notes, & Tidbits

Guides & Resources

2023 Minnesota Twins Draft Picks

The Minnesota Twins Players Project

2024 Minnesota Twins Draft Picks

2025 Minnesota Twins Draft Pick Tracker

2026 Minnesota Twins Draft Tracker: Picks & Bonuses

Forums

Blogs

Events

Store

Downloads

Gallery

Everything posted by RandBalls Stu

  1. RandBalls Stu
    The former Twins manager knows the future is coming but has some questions about how it’s implemented.High-profile blown calls and ridiculous strike zones in the 2019 playoffs have only enhanced the call for robot umpires. One “old school” MLB manager accepts that something needs to be done. However, he urges caution. “I just need to know this: can I yell at the robots?” asked Detroit Tigers manager Ron Gardenhire. “If the guys are out there getting after it, picking it and taking it the other way, I want blue to keep it fair. If they’re missing calls, they need to hear about it.” The former Twins manager and notoriously fiery baseball lifer allowed that making the strike zone more consistent was necessary. “If I got my guy out there rocking and firing, I want the strikes to be strikes and the balls to be balls. But if they have a robot back there and one of their wires gets crossed, I’m going to defend my guy. Is it a person-shaped robot like The Terminator? Is it just a goldang laptop on a card table? I’m going to give it what for regardless, but I just need to know if I can do that.” A spokesperson for Major League Baseball said that no determination on changes in umpiring have been made, and likely wouldn’t be until the Winter Meetings. Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the ghost of Earl Weaver issued a statement that Weaver wants all robot umpires to know that, like their human forebears, they can perform a physically impossible sexual act upon themselves and then do the same to their mothers, grandmothers, and a startling variety of woodland creatures. For his part, Gardenhire just wants there to be clear guidelines when there are issues to be addressed. “Robots are one thing, but what if they use one of them flying robots,” said Gardenhire, referring to drones. “Nothing gets my blood up more than an umpire who turns his back on me when I’m saying my piece. They get a robot that can fly away? Not gonna happen, not on my watch. I gotta hear your bleeps and bloops, you're gonna hear me, that's for certain.” Click here to view the article
  2. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Ron Gardenhire Asks What the Rules Are for Yelling at Robots"
    High-profile blown calls and ridiculous strike zones in the 2019 playoffs have only enhanced the call for robot umpires. One “old school” MLB manager accepts that something needs to be done. However, he urges caution. “I just need to know this: can I yell at the robots?” asked Detroit Tigers manager Ron Gardenhire. “If the guys are out there getting after it, picking it and taking it the other way, I want blue to keep it fair. If they’re missing calls, they need to hear about it.” The former Twins manager and notoriously fiery baseball lifer allowed that making the strike zone more consistent was necessary. “If I got my guy out there rocking and firing, I want the strikes to be strikes and the balls to be balls. But if they have a robot back there and one of their wires gets crossed, I’m going to defend my guy. Is it a person-shaped robot like The Terminator? Is it just a goldang laptop on a card table? I’m going to give it what for regardless, but I just need to know if I can do that.” A spokesperson for Major League Baseball said that no determination on changes in umpiring have been made, and likely wouldn’t be until the Winter Meetings. Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the ghost of Earl Weaver issued a statement that Weaver wants all robot umpires to know that, like their human forebears, they can perform a physically impossible sexual act upon themselves and then do the same to their mothers, grandmothers, and a startling variety of woodland creatures. For his part, Gardenhire just wants there to be clear guidelines when there are issues to be addressed. “Robots are one thing, but what if they use one of them flying robots,” said Gardenhire, referring to drones. “Nothing gets my blood up more than an umpire who turns his back on me when I’m saying my piece. They get a robot that can fly away? Not gonna happen, not on my watch. I gotta hear your bleeps and bloops, you're gonna hear me, that's for certain.”
  3. RandBalls Stu
    “The Twins have a chance to contend for a few years at least, and we need to be ready to mess with them.”Minnesota’s inglorious playoff exit this October had no small share of culprits, but the dark forces aligned against the Twins want to make it clear: the unjuiced playoff baseball was a key factor. “Given their lack of pitching depth and a very patient Yankees lineup, we knew they had an uphill battle to begin with,” said a spokesperson for Twins, Over Many Many Years, Have to Experience Revulsion, Regret (TOMMYHERR). “But we couldn’t leave anything to chance. They hit a lot of home runs in 2019. We needed to do something about it and we did. We deserve some credit.” The “dead” postseason baseball is just the beginning of TOMMYHERR’s work. “Their lineup is stacked, their farm system is loaded, and they have the money to fix their rotation,” said the spokesperson, who declined to give a name and wore a Yankees jersey with CUZZI LOL LOL emblazoned above the number 666 on the back. “The Twins have a chance to contend for a few years at least, and we need to be ready to mess with them. For us, there is no offseason.” Although TOMMYHERR declined to give precise plans for any future actions against Minnesota (“The pain needs to be fresh and unexpected, it just hurts so much more that way"), they did mention there were many options on the table in the event of a 2020 playoff berth, including: The Old Testament.Making Minnesota’s bats all splinter-y by the handles and hiding the tweezers.Teams from the northernmost state only get one outfielder now, competition committee must have forgotten to tell you. Rules are rules though.Robot umpires programmed by Hunter Wendelstedt.Target Field home locker room used as stable for horses trained to kick and bite.The spokesperson was asked why TOMMYHERR would wait until October to sabotage the Minnesota Twins, rather than midseason or even Spring Training. “As we saw this year, building up people’s hopes only to watch them crumble like rocks into the sea is glorious agony,” said the spokesperson, who smelled faintly of sulfur and did not have a reflection. “The fans and the team itself really were convinced they could defeat the Yankees. It was remarkable. The devastation was exquisite. I don’t know how we can top it, but that’s the thing about baseball: There’s always next year.” Click here to view the article
  4. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Dark Forces Aligned Against Twins: 'There Is No Offseason'"
    Minnesota’s inglorious playoff exit this October had no small share of culprits, but the dark forces aligned against the Twins want to make it clear: the unjuiced playoff baseball was a key factor. “Given their lack of pitching depth and a very patient Yankees lineup, we knew they had an uphill battle to begin with,” said a spokesperson for Twins, Over Many Many Years, Have to Experience Revulsion, Regret (TOMMYHERR). “But we couldn’t leave anything to chance. They hit a lot of home runs in 2019. We needed to do something about it and we did. We deserve some credit.” The “dead” postseason baseball is just the beginning of TOMMYHERR’s work. “Their lineup is stacked, their farm system is loaded, and they have the money to fix their rotation,” said the spokesperson, who declined to give a name and wore a Yankees jersey with CUZZI LOL LOL emblazoned above the number 666 on the back. “The Twins have a chance to contend for a few years at least, and we need to be ready to mess with them. For us, there is no offseason.” Although TOMMYHERR declined to give precise plans for any future actions against Minnesota (“The pain needs to be fresh and unexpected, it just hurts so much more that way"), they did mention there were many options on the table in the event of a 2020 playoff berth, including: The Old Testament. Making Minnesota’s bats all splinter-y by the handles and hiding the tweezers. Teams from the northernmost state only get one outfielder now, competition committee must have forgotten to tell you. Rules are rules though. Robot umpires programmed by Hunter Wendelstedt. Target Field home locker room used as stable for horses trained to kick and bite. The spokesperson was asked why TOMMYHERR would wait until October to sabotage the Minnesota Twins, rather than midseason or even Spring Training. “As we saw this year, building up people’s hopes only to watch them crumble like rocks into the sea is glorious agony,” said the spokesperson, who smelled faintly of sulfur and did not have a reflection. “The fans and the team itself really were convinced they could defeat the Yankees. It was remarkable. The devastation was exquisite. I don’t know how we can top it, but that’s the thing about baseball: There’s always next year.”
  5. RandBalls Stu
    "How hard could it be?"Twins Daily has learned that the Minnesota Twins plan to replace the human who portrayed beloved fake bear TC with a real, live bear. “It’s no secret that baseball’s fan base is aging, and we need to appeal to a younger crowd if we want to grow the sport,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. “The market research is clear. Millennials and Gen Y crave authenticity and a lack of artifice. Parading a grown man in a bear costume about Target Field just doesn’t land with them. We’re going to give them something real.” Sources tell Twins Daily that the team is already auditioning bears in the Ely area to replace Greg Wilfahrt, the man who portrayed TC the last two decades. “There was some pushback within the organization,” said a front office source with knowledge of the process. “Lots of ‘What if it eats a baby or Max Kepler’ scenarios. They’re fair points, but at the end of the day, how hard could it be? They’re just big dogs. We’ll put up a few extra nets and give them some peanut butter.” Levine says the Twins hope that the new TC will continue to perform their predecessor’s duties. “The home run contests in the outfield are probably just a matter of coaching the new TC up,” said the GM. “James (Rowson, Twins hitting coach) isn’t afraid of a challenge. And while there’s definitely been some static about having an enormous bear guided only by an urge to feed and mate visiting hospitals, we’ve seen how patients’ eyes light up when TC enters their room. Those service elevators are pretty big, gotta figure we can squeeze a bear and, say, Sergio Romo in there.” This is not the first time the Twins have attempted to use an actual bear as its mascot. With Wilfahrt battling the flu, the 2009 team brought a brown bear named Patches on its offseason Twins Caravan. It later mauled 23 at a Fergus Falls steakhouse before being subdued by Kent Hrbek. Image license here. Click here to view the article
  6. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "EXCLUSIVE: Twins Looking to Replace TC Bear with Real, Live Bear"
    Twins Daily has learned that the Minnesota Twins plan to replace the human who portrayed beloved fake bear TC with a real, live bear. “It’s no secret that baseball’s fan base is aging, and we need to appeal to a younger crowd if we want to grow the sport,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. “The market research is clear. Millennials and Gen Y crave authenticity and a lack of artifice. Parading a grown man in a bear costume about Target Field just doesn’t land with them. We’re going to give them something real.” Sources tell Twins Daily that the team is already auditioning bears in the Ely area to replace Greg Wilfahrt, the man who portrayed TC the last two decades. “There was some pushback within the organization,” said a front office source with knowledge of the process. “Lots of ‘What if it eats a baby or Max Kepler’ scenarios. They’re fair points, but at the end of the day, how hard could it be? They’re just big dogs. We’ll put up a few extra nets and give them some peanut butter.” Levine says the Twins hope that the new TC will continue to perform their predecessor’s duties. “The home run contests in the outfield are probably just a matter of coaching the new TC up,” said the GM. “James (Rowson, Twins hitting coach) isn’t afraid of a challenge. And while there’s definitely been some static about having an enormous bear guided only by an urge to feed and mate visiting hospitals, we’ve seen how patients’ eyes light up when TC enters their room. Those service elevators are pretty big, gotta figure we can squeeze a bear and, say, Sergio Romo in there.” This is not the first time the Twins have attempted to use an actual bear as its mascot. With Wilfahrt battling the flu, the 2009 team brought a brown bear named Patches on its offseason Twins Caravan. It later mauled 23 at a Fergus Falls steakhouse before being subdued by Kent Hrbek. Image license here.
  7. RandBalls Stu
    Over six in ten now believe the beloved Peanuts character will never get one over on Lucy Van Pelt.In a stark shift in public opinion, a new Star Tribune/MPR poll finds that 67% of Minnesota Twins fans now say that they’re either convinced or strongly convinced that Charlie Brown is never going to kick the football. The poll, which started at the end of the second inning during Monday’s Game 3 of the ALDS between the Twins and Yankees and finished after the last out of the game, surveyed 500 Twins fans. “We were surprised to see such a turnaround in our numbers,” said survey director Ed Gilroy. “The same sample group was at 41% just two weeks ago, which we honestly thought was high, given that Charles Schulz has been dead for 19 years.” The Peanuts storyline, revisited over decades of comic strips and cartoons, finds emotional terrorist/young child Lucy Van Pelt tantalizing Charlie Brown with a football before snatching it away at the very last minute. Brown misses the kick, tumbles into the air, and lands on the hard, unforgiving ground, humiliated and beaten once again. “This spike, even with a standard margin of error, defies an easy statistical explanation,” says Gilroy. “There’s been no new Peanuts content since 2000. Nothing in the Charlie Brown universe has changed.” Gilroy admits there are concerns that the pool of respondents might have been emotionally compromised. “Our survey system takes great care to eliminate bias and provide robust, reliable data. That said, many of the people we spoke with on Monday kept saying ‘OH GODDAMMIT’ and using other strong language during the question-and-answer session.” 79% of those surveyed also agreed or strongly agreed that suffering is all they know or will know. Click here to view the article
  8. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Majority of Twins Fans Now Skeptical That Charlie Brown Will Ever Kick Football"
    In a stark shift in public opinion, a new Star Tribune/MPR poll finds that 67% of Minnesota Twins fans now say that they’re either convinced or strongly convinced that Charlie Brown is never going to kick the football. The poll, which started at the end of the second inning during Monday’s Game 3 of the ALDS between the Twins and Yankees and finished after the last out of the game, surveyed 500 Twins fans. “We were surprised to see such a turnaround in our numbers,” said survey director Ed Gilroy. “The same sample group was at 41% just two weeks ago, which we honestly thought was high, given that Charles Schulz has been dead for 19 years.” The Peanuts storyline, revisited over decades of comic strips and cartoons, finds emotional terrorist/young child Lucy Van Pelt tantalizing Charlie Brown with a football before snatching it away at the very last minute. Brown misses the kick, tumbles into the air, and lands on the hard, unforgiving ground, humiliated and beaten once again. “This spike, even with a standard margin of error, defies an easy statistical explanation,” says Gilroy. “There’s been no new Peanuts content since 2000. Nothing in the Charlie Brown universe has changed.” Gilroy admits there are concerns that the pool of respondents might have been emotionally compromised. “Our survey system takes great care to eliminate bias and provide robust, reliable data. That said, many of the people we spoke with on Monday kept saying ‘OH GODDAMMIT’ and using other strong language during the question-and-answer session.” 79% of those surveyed also agreed or strongly agreed that suffering is all they know or will know.
  9. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Five Reasons the Twins Can Beat the Yankees"
    1987. That Twins team was the fourth best out of four teams. They had no business beating Detroit. They had no business beating St. Louis. The third starter was Les Straker. Al Michaels made fun of the Metrodome the entirety of the World Series. Whitey Herzog’s haircut was dumb as hell. Tom Kelly was 17. They won anyway. This can’t keep happening. If ever a team was due to beat another team, it’s the Minnesota Twins versus the New York Yankees. The math is just ridiculous at this point. You are more likely to get hit by spooky lightning while winning the Powerball than to have New York’s record vs. the Twins the last 20 years (don’t look this up). This dominance is unsustainable. We’re good people who deserve nice things. We volunteer in the community. We maintain healthy relationships with our family. We donate to charity. We stay off our phones in restaurants and have meaningful conversations with the rest of the table. The ROI on common decency should frankly be better than what Twins fans have gotten. “You do the right thing because it’s the right thing, not because of some potential reward,” some might say. Some might blow it out their ass, no disrespect. The Yankees pitching is different now. Remember when the Yankees had Mike Mussina and Andy Pettitte and they shut out the Twins every game from 1999-2018? Even though they were retired for many of those years, and they just kept doing it anyway? I’ve checked New York’s playoff roster. Neither Mussina nor Pettitte is on it. This is the most positive development for the Twins since they got $50,000 and Johan Santana from the Marlins for Jared Camp. This is not a joke and I am not kidding. DOBNAK. He’s probably going to start Game 2 or 3. He and Devin Smeltzer are the best stories in a season of great stories for the Minnesota Twins. The national media loves guys like this, and they thirst to tell these kinds of tales. I’m not saying Fox or ESPN will lean on MLB to give the Twins a break. I’m also not saying that’s the reason Phil Cuzzi is not a part of this series’ playoff crew. I’m just a man who notices things is all. Nothing more than that. DOBNAK. That weight off your shoulders? That lightness in your step? That’s optimism. Embrace it.
  10. RandBalls Stu
    The last couple decades of this matchup have been hard to watch if you’re a Minnesota fan. Even though the Twins won 101 games this season, they enter this series decided underdogs once again. You need a reason to buy in to this year being different. Here are five of them. 1987. That Twins team was the fourth best out of four teams. They had no business beating Detroit. They had no business beating St. Louis. The third starter was Les Straker. Al Michaels made fun of the Metrodome the entirety of the World Series. Whitey Herzog’s haircut was dumb as hell. Tom Kelly was 17. They won anyway.This can’t keep happening. If ever a team was due to beat another team, it’s the Minnesota Twins versus the New York Yankees. The math is just ridiculous at this point. You are more likely to get hit by spooky lightning while winning the Powerball than to have New York’s record vs. the Twins the last 20 years (don’t look this up). This dominance is unsustainable.We’re good people who deserve nice things. We volunteer in the community. We maintain healthy relationships with our family. We donate to charity. We stay off our phones in restaurants and have meaningful conversations with the rest of the table. The ROI on common decency should frankly be better than what Twins fans have gotten. “You do the right thing because it’s the right thing, not because of some potential reward,” some might say. Some might blow it out their ass, no disrespect.The Yankees pitching is different now. Remember when the Yankees had Mike Mussina and Andy Pettitte and they shut out the Twins every game from 1999-2018? Even though they were retired for many of those years, and they just kept doing it anyway? I’ve checked New York’s playoff roster. Neither Mussina nor Pettitte is on it. This is the most positive development for the Twins since they got $50,000 and Johan Santana from the Marlins for Jared Camp. This is not a joke and I am not kidding.DOBNAK. He’s probably going to start Game 2 or 3. He and Devin Smeltzer are the best stories in a season of great stories for the Minnesota Twins. The national media loves guys like this, and they thirst to tell these kinds of tales. I’m not saying Fox or ESPN will lean on MLB to give the Twins a break. I’m also not saying that’s the reason Phil Cuzzi is not a part of this series’ playoff crew. I’m just a man who notices things is all. Nothing more than that. DOBNAK.That weight off your shoulders? That lightness in your step? That’s optimism. Embrace it. Click here to view the article
  11. RandBalls Stu
    Henry Blomquist is a busy man. A llkely Twins/Yankees playoff series requires extra planning.Unlike many Twins fans, Henry Blomquist doesn't fear the New York Yankees. "This is a different season. These guys are too young to care about the past, and honestly I'd rather play them than the Astros. Verlander and Gerrit Cole? Let the wild card team deal with that." However, Blomquist does care about time. The 26-year-old Richfield bachelor is working two jobs as he attempts to pay back student loans. The prospect of a Twins/Yankees playoff game makes for a very crowded day. "Do you remember that one game they played earlier this year, went into extra innings, Aaron Hicks won the game and it was a football score," asked Blomquist. "Neither team's pitching has gotten any better. It's going to be a co-rec softball game every night." Blomquist spends his days working at a local credit union, then picks up gigs for a rideshare company in the evening. He figures if he plans it right, he can squeeze in a relatively normal Twins/Yankees game in between the two. "If they can keep it down to, like, a 9-7 game with only one team really going bananas with the pitching changes, I should be able to watch the whole thing, then get people home from bar close and night shifts," said Blomquist. "Squeeze in 3-4 hours of sleep before I have to go back to work in the morning. That should be doable." However, he has no contingency plan if the games go sideways. "I have to accept that there's a chance that 9-7 score is in the 4th inning and Martin Perez is coming into the game," said Blomquist. "Radio doesn't work in my Ultima anymore, but the passengers seem to be alright with these smooth jazz CDs I got at Goodwill. Kenny G. is no substitute for Cory Provus, I'll tell you what." Click here to view the article
  12. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Richfield Man Carves Out Six Hours He'll Need for a Twins/Yankees Playoff Game"
    Unlike many Twins fans, Henry Blomquist doesn't fear the New York Yankees. "This is a different season. These guys are too young to care about the past, and honestly I'd rather play them than the Astros. Verlander and Gerrit Cole? Let the wild card team deal with that." However, Blomquist does care about time. The 26-year-old Richfield bachelor is working two jobs as he attempts to pay back student loans. The prospect of a Twins/Yankees playoff game makes for a very crowded day. "Do you remember that one game they played earlier this year, went into extra innings, Aaron Hicks won the game and it was a football score," asked Blomquist. "Neither team's pitching has gotten any better. It's going to be a co-rec softball game every night." Blomquist spends his days working at a local credit union, then picks up gigs for a rideshare company in the evening. He figures if he plans it right, he can squeeze in a relatively normal Twins/Yankees game in between the two. "If they can keep it down to, like, a 9-7 game with only one team really going bananas with the pitching changes, I should be able to watch the whole thing, then get people home from bar close and night shifts," said Blomquist. "Squeeze in 3-4 hours of sleep before I have to go back to work in the morning. That should be doable." However, he has no contingency plan if the games go sideways. "I have to accept that there's a chance that 9-7 score is in the 4th inning and Martin Perez is coming into the game," said Blomquist. "Radio doesn't work in my Ultima anymore, but the passengers seem to be alright with these smooth jazz CDs I got at Goodwill. Kenny G. is no substitute for Cory Provus, I'll tell you what."
  13. RandBalls Stu
    “I’ve got a warehouse full of these damn things. I’ve worked every weekend for two years. I need this. I need this.”Pete Tesch needs a win. The 57-year-old Waconia resident sells swimming gear and swimming accessories for a living. In a state with long winters, the margins are slim and the selling season short. The best way to make it to the next summer: clubhouse celebrations by local sports enterprises. “None of these guys wanna get prosecco and Budweiser in their eyes, it stings,” says Tesch. “They get their magic number down to single digits or get up 3-1 in a series, they come to Pete. Outside of the (Minnesota) Lynx, not a lot of teams have been coming to Pete.” While swimming lessons and water parks provide some off-season income, Tesch says the real moneymaker is a pennant or a title run. “Chlorine stings a lotta kids’ eyes, and those parks pump those water slides full of it because some dope from Mower County forgets to put a swim diaper on his triplets,” says Tesch. “Still, their folks are just gonna get some cheapies. Eddie Rosario? He’s going to get the Cadillac of goggles. He’s going to get the Seaview 180. He’s going to get a dozen of them.” Tesch held up the swim mask in question. “Retails for $89. Top-of-the-line. Sleek, comfortable, watertight. It has a snorkel for oxygen or liquor intake. I’ve got a warehouse full of these damn things. I’ve worked every weekend for two years. I need this. I need this.” Tesch was asked if it mattered if the Twins clinched in Minnesota or on the road. “Buddy. I will drive these things straight to Detroit if they clinch next week. I got the Google Maps on my phone. If Cleveland snipes them I’ll drive to Cleveland. I know their goggles guy. I’ll take him down.” Click here to view the article
  14. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Local Goggles Sales Rep Banking On Minnesota Playoff Run"
    Pete Tesch needs a win. The 57-year-old Waconia resident sells swimming gear and swimming accessories for a living. In a state with long winters, the margins are slim and the selling season short. The best way to make it to the next summer: clubhouse celebrations by local sports enterprises. “None of these guys wanna get prosecco and Budweiser in their eyes, it stings,” says Tesch. “They get their magic number down to single digits or get up 3-1 in a series, they come to Pete. Outside of the (Minnesota) Lynx, not a lot of teams have been coming to Pete.” While swimming lessons and water parks provide some off-season income, Tesch says the real moneymaker is a pennant or a title run. “Chlorine stings a lotta kids’ eyes, and those parks pump those water slides full of it because some dope from Mower County forgets to put a swim diaper on his triplets,” says Tesch. “Still, their folks are just gonna get some cheapies. Eddie Rosario? He’s going to get the Cadillac of goggles. He’s going to get the Seaview 180. He’s going to get a dozen of them.” Tesch held up the swim mask in question. “Retails for $89. Top-of-the-line. Sleek, comfortable, watertight. It has a snorkel for oxygen or liquor intake. I’ve got a warehouse full of these damn things. I’ve worked every weekend for two years. I need this. I need this.” Tesch was asked if it mattered if the Twins clinched in Minnesota or on the road. “Buddy. I will drive these things straight to Detroit if they clinch next week. I got the Google Maps on my phone. If Cleveland snipes them I’ll drive to Cleveland. I know their goggles guy. I’ll take him down.”
  15. RandBalls Stu
    How did that happen? Am I being pranked? OK, this is nuts, but I swear that I just saw the starting lineups for tonight, and Ryan LaMarre is starting for the Twins in center field. Now, I’m aware that Byron Buxton is out for the season and the rest of the outfield is hurt, slumping or both (Hurlumping? Slurting?), but this can’t be right, can it?I’ve done some Googling, and there are definitely stories saying that the Twins reacquired him from Atlanta, but I’ve also seen stories on those “deepfake” videos that make you think Bill Hader is Tom Cruise, and the latter honestly seems more likely. Someone would have said something. Not to brag, but I’m friends with John Bonnes. Not to double brag, but I text back and forth with him from time to time. He’s an avid Twins fan. And he didn’t say a damn thing to me about this. What I think happened was, the last time the Twins were in a pennant race, Ron Gardenhire had Jason Tyner bat in the middle of the order. Now, Jason Tyner is known for three things: Having a middle name that’s just a backwards spelling of his last name;Having his bobblehead day called off because he was demoted; andNot being the kind of hitter one would normally see in the middle of any playoff-contending team’s batting order. He had one career home run. One.And yet, here he was, batting fifth in games that mattered. On television, where children could see it! My theory is that the Twins are finally back in a real playoff battle, and are paying tribute to this unprecedented event in Twins history. Since bringing back Tyner, now 42 and retired, would make it too obvious that it was a bit, the Twins are using a more recent “oh yeah, that guy, the one with the 5 o'clock shadow at 10 in the morning” to have some fun with their fans. I applaud their effort and look forward to seeing who is really getting the nod in center tonight! UPDATE, FRIDAY MORNING, 9:07 AM: This was not a bit. They also played Ronald Torreyes. I don't understand anything anymore. Click here to view the article
  16. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Wait, Ryan LaMarre Is On the Twins Again? And He's Starting?"
    I’ve done some Googling, and there are definitely stories saying that the Twins reacquired him from Atlanta, but I’ve also seen stories on those “deepfake” videos that make you think Bill Hader is Tom Cruise, and the latter honestly seems more likely. Someone would have said something. Not to brag, but I’m friends with John Bonnes. Not to double brag, but I text back and forth with him from time to time. He’s an avid Twins fan. And he didn’t say a damn thing to me about this. What I think happened was, the last time the Twins were in a pennant race, Ron Gardenhire had Jason Tyner bat in the middle of the order. Now, Jason Tyner is known for three things: Having a middle name that’s just a backwards spelling of his last name; Having his bobblehead day called off because he was demoted; and Not being the kind of hitter one would normally see in the middle of any playoff-contending team’s batting order. He had one career home run. One. And yet, here he was, batting fifth in games that mattered. On television, where children could see it! My theory is that the Twins are finally back in a real playoff battle, and are paying tribute to this unprecedented event in Twins history. Since bringing back Tyner, now 42 and retired, would make it too obvious that it was a bit, the Twins are using a more recent “oh yeah, that guy, the one with the 5 o'clock shadow at 10 in the morning” to have some fun with their fans. I applaud their effort and look forward to seeing who is really getting the nod in center tonight! UPDATE, FRIDAY MORNING, 9:07 AM: This was not a bit. They also played Ronald Torreyes. I don't understand anything anymore.
  17. RandBalls Stu
    While your concerns over the Twins ace are valid, please do not contact emergency services or local parishes. Twins fans have endured a tense pennant race while the team’s best starting pitcher has struggled mightily for weeks. And local authorities and religious leaders want them to know that there’s not much they can do about it.“I’m going to use the same voice and same words I use at elementary school programs,” said Hennepin County Emergency Management spokesperson Carolyn Marinan. “Only call 911 in case of emergency. If you lose your math homework, that’s not an emergency. If the water fountain is broken, that’s not an emergency. If Jose Berrios is throwing meat, that’s not an emergency.” Some Twins fans dispute this. “My taxes pay for 911,” said Tom Hanson, an unemployed Anoka electrician and frequent caller to AM radio stations. “I believe in small government, but If the Twins aren’t going to do something, then maybe first responders should.” Meanwhile, local religious leaders want parishioners and citizens of faith to know that, while their prayers for Berrios’ arm are thoughtful, it’s not the Almighty’s fault if he continues to pitch poorly. “Whatever your conception of God is, this divine figure is not to credit or blame for a random sports event,” said Stina Kielsmeier-Cook, Digital Communications Specialist for the Collegeville Institute. “Christian, Muslim, Jewish, what have you—all faiths are pretty consistent on this.” Hanson has a different view. “My third wife was really into this televangelist who said God listens to the prayers of the flock, but the flock needs to support the church, and she sent him a boatload of money,” said the 61-year-old, who’s been blocked by over 1000 verified Twitter accounts. “Turns out he cheated on his wife with her pilates instructor and they fled to New Zealand when he lost all the tithe money on a faith-based cryptocurrency, but she was convinced. “The way I see it, God owes us after the Mauer contract.” Berrios next turn in the rotation is Tuesday versus the National League Wild Card-leading Washington Nationals. Click here to view the article
  18. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Authorities, Religious Leaders Ask for Perspective When Panicking About Jose Berrios"
    “I’m going to use the same voice and same words I use at elementary school programs,” said Hennepin County Emergency Management spokesperson Carolyn Marinan. “Only call 911 in case of emergency. If you lose your math homework, that’s not an emergency. If the water fountain is broken, that’s not an emergency. If Jose Berrios is throwing meat, that’s not an emergency.” Some Twins fans dispute this. “My taxes pay for 911,” said Tom Hanson, an unemployed Anoka electrician and frequent caller to AM radio stations. “I believe in small government, but If the Twins aren’t going to do something, then maybe first responders should.” Meanwhile, local religious leaders want parishioners and citizens of faith to know that, while their prayers for Berrios’ arm are thoughtful, it’s not the Almighty’s fault if he continues to pitch poorly. “Whatever your conception of God is, this divine figure is not to credit or blame for a random sports event,” said Stina Kielsmeier-Cook, Digital Communications Specialist for the Collegeville Institute. “Christian, Muslim, Jewish, what have you—all faiths are pretty consistent on this.” Hanson has a different view. “My third wife was really into this televangelist who said God listens to the prayers of the flock, but the flock needs to support the church, and she sent him a boatload of money,” said the 61-year-old, who’s been blocked by over 1000 verified Twitter accounts. “Turns out he cheated on his wife with her pilates instructor and they fled to New Zealand when he lost all the tithe money on a faith-based cryptocurrency, but she was convinced. “The way I see it, God owes us after the Mauer contract.” Berrios next turn in the rotation is Tuesday versus the National League Wild Card-leading Washington Nationals.
  19. RandBalls Stu
    Bet your child’s college fund on what happens to the talented and oft-hurt Twins outfielder next. When Byron Buxton experienced a setback in his recovery from a shoulder injury this week, it cast a cloud over an otherwise positive run of play for the Minnesota Twins. It also caused Las Vegas bookmakers to reset the big board on what will next ail the star-crossed center fielder.These are the current odds on the next mishap that will send Buxton to the injured list. Bruised ribs 3-2Separated shoulder 2-1Concussion, baseball-derived 5-2Runningintoawallatfullspeed-itis 3-1Killer bees 7-2Concussion, struck-by-errant-Kirk Cousins-pass-while-attending-Vikings-game-derived, 4-1One of those diseases you get because people aren’t vaccinating their kids anymore 5-1One of those diseases you get because of the melting Arctic permafrost, like werewolf dysplasia or something 11-2Trampled by Paul Bunyan statue that has come to horrible life, 8-1Treated by Indianapolis Colts trainers, 10-1Told to “rub dirt on it” when it’s obviously an open wound by one of those guys who always rails against participation trophies and entitled millennials even though he works for his dad 12-1Zach Granite’s Lament 14-1Toilet explosion 15-1Joins Slipknot as a second drummer and tours Europe 18-1Zombie uprising (fast zombies) 20-1Attacked by the same bird that attacked James Paxton, who has developed a taste for it now and continues to learn 25-1Zombie uprising (slow zombies) 35-1Gets lost in rural Falcon Heights looking for State Fair parking spot, 40-1Zombie uprising (Rob Zombie) 55-1Watches the watchmen, develops cataracts, 60-1Comes at king, misses 65-1Develops allergy to baseball gloves 70-1Joins an improv group and constantly asks teammates to come out and watch a performance and is told to stay away from the team for a while because my god Byron 85-1Doesn’t get hurt for the rest of the season 5000-1 Click here to view the article
  20. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Vegas Releases Odds On Next Byron Buxton Injury"
    These are the current odds on the next mishap that will send Buxton to the injured list. Bruised ribs 3-2 Separated shoulder 2-1 Concussion, baseball-derived 5-2 Runningintoawallatfullspeed-itis 3-1 Killer bees 7-2 Concussion, struck-by-errant-Kirk Cousins-pass-while-attending-Vikings-game-derived, 4-1 One of those diseases you get because people aren’t vaccinating their kids anymore 5-1 One of those diseases you get because of the melting Arctic permafrost, like werewolf dysplasia or something 11-2 Trampled by Paul Bunyan statue that has come to horrible life, 8-1 Treated by Indianapolis Colts trainers, 10-1 Told to “rub dirt on it” when it’s obviously an open wound by one of those guys who always rails against participation trophies and entitled millennials even though he works for his dad 12-1 Zach Granite’s Lament 14-1 Toilet explosion 15-1 Joins Slipknot as a second drummer and tours Europe 18-1 Zombie uprising (fast zombies) 20-1 Attacked by the same bird that attacked James Paxton, who has developed a taste for it now and continues to learn 25-1 Zombie uprising (slow zombies) 35-1 Gets lost in rural Falcon Heights looking for State Fair parking spot, 40-1 Zombie uprising (Rob Zombie) 55-1 Watches the watchmen, develops cataracts, 60-1 Comes at king, misses 65-1 Develops allergy to baseball gloves 70-1 Joins an improv group and constantly asks teammates to come out and watch a performance and is told to stay away from the team for a while because my god Byron 85-1 Doesn’t get hurt for the rest of the season 5000-1
  21. RandBalls Stu
    “He definitely saw what worked for the MPR Raccoon,” said Freberg. “Winters are harsh around here, and this is the surest route to a warm place to live and all the garbage and acorns you can imagine.” When Target Field’s “rally squirrel” returned to the diamond on Tuesday night, many were amused. For local rodent experts however, it was just another day at the office.“I saw social media blow up again last night,” said Dr. Katie Freberg, Associate Professor of Small/Medium Animal Studies at Bethel University. “I wasn’t surprised. No one should be.” Freberg says the squirrel, who reps say prefers to go by Gabriel Thee Squirrel or GTS, is following the example of the MPR Raccoon, the disgusting trash panda who scaled a St. Paul building by the public radio headquarters and now lives a life of opulence and leisure. “(Gabriel) definitely saw what worked for the MPR Raccoon”, said Freberg. “Winters are harsh around here, and this is the surest route to a warm place to live and all the garbage and acorns you can imagine.” The raccoon, most recently in the news for getting in a fight with internet personality Logan Paul during a DJ set at a Lollapalooza after party, also serves as a cautionary tale. “The MPR Raccoon has not necessarily adjusted to the spotlight very well,” said Connor Padlewski, media consultant for Stabler Partners, a Minneapolis public relations firm. “The wild parties, the rumors of multiple rehab stays, the failed marriage to Joan Collins—he’s clearly had issues with his new status as an in-demand star.” For his part, Gabriel says that he is happy to let his work for speak for itself. In a statement released to local CBS affiliate WCCO, the squirrel, speaking in the third person throughout, said that “Gabriel is going to do what’s best for Gabriel. He’s got his own thing right now, and if the haters are going to hate, let ‘em. Peace.” Click here to view the article
  22. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Experts Say Twins Squirrel Following Familiar Path"
    “I saw social media blow up again last night,” said Dr. Katie Freberg, Associate Professor of Small/Medium Animal Studies at Bethel University. “I wasn’t surprised. No one should be.” Freberg says the squirrel, who reps say prefers to go by Gabriel Thee Squirrel or GTS, is following the example of the MPR Raccoon, the disgusting trash panda who scaled a St. Paul building by the public radio headquarters and now lives a life of opulence and leisure. “(Gabriel) definitely saw what worked for the MPR Raccoon”, said Freberg. “Winters are harsh around here, and this is the surest route to a warm place to live and all the garbage and acorns you can imagine.” The raccoon, most recently in the news for getting in a fight with internet personality Logan Paul during a DJ set at a Lollapalooza after party, also serves as a cautionary tale. “The MPR Raccoon has not necessarily adjusted to the spotlight very well,” said Connor Padlewski, media consultant for Stabler Partners, a Minneapolis public relations firm. “The wild parties, the rumors of multiple rehab stays, the failed marriage to Joan Collins—he’s clearly had issues with his new status as an in-demand star.” For his part, Gabriel says that he is happy to let his work for speak for itself. In a statement released to local CBS affiliate WCCO, the squirrel, speaking in the third person throughout, said that “Gabriel is going to do what’s best for Gabriel. He’s got his own thing right now, and if the haters are going to hate, let ‘em. Peace.”
  23. RandBalls Stu
    It’s been close to a decade since the Minnesota Twins have been in an honest-to-Pete pennant race. You may not know how to act. Twins Daily is here to help. If, like me, you’ve made the mistake of being on Twitter during a Twins game lately, you’d be forgiven for thinking the team was about to get contracted, and that a few fans would be thrilled were it to happen.Here, then, are a few helpful tips to make it through to October. Get a dog. Rex needs to go out. You need to clear your head when the starter goes 3 2/3 innings. Take him for a good long walk. Don’t check Gameday on your phone. Take in the evening. When you get back, maybe things will be better. If they’re not, hey, you got some cardio and saved yourself some needless stress.Don’t argue with JasonJ56983092. JasonJ56983092 is in your mentions saying that Berrios is a bum and Jake Cave is better in the long term than Byron Buxton. You may have an excellent zinger at the ready, but just…don’t. He doesn’t even have an avatar. His only other tweets are to adult film stars. Be better than JasonJ56983092. Mute him and let him scream into the void if that helps.Check in on Cleveland fans. Chances are, even after their amazing run to get back into the race, they have neurotic fans melting down at a bad inning or a close pitch called incorrectly. They haven’t won a World Series since roughly the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. Watch them lose their minds instead. Schadenfreude is a powerful drug.Move. I’m in the process of selling my house and getting ready to move with my family to a new city. It’s incredibly stressful and keeps your mind focused on 87 other things that aren't the Minnesota Twins. Get into the minutiae of purchase agreements and you’ll find you have relatively little time to worry about how much the Giants knew about Sam Dyson’s health prior to the trade.Remember 2016. The Twins won 59 games. They were the worst team in baseball. Nobody cared about anything. Gleeman and the Geek spent all August talking about Aaron’s youth basketball stats. Anything is better than that.Follow any/all of these five steps to healthier, happier you. Until Max Kepler and Taylor Rogers get hurt. Then I’ve got nothing. Click here to view the article
  24. RandBalls Stu
    More information about "Pennant Race Coping Mechanisms for the Average Fan"
    Here, then, are a few helpful tips to make it through to October. Get a dog. Rex needs to go out. You need to clear your head when the starter goes 3 2/3 innings. Take him for a good long walk. Don’t check Gameday on your phone. Take in the evening. When you get back, maybe things will be better. If they’re not, hey, you got some cardio and saved yourself some needless stress. Don’t argue with JasonJ56983092. JasonJ56983092 is in your mentions saying that Berrios is a bum and Jake Cave is better in the long term than Byron Buxton. You may have an excellent zinger at the ready, but just…don’t. He doesn’t even have an avatar. His only other tweets are to adult film stars. Be better than JasonJ56983092. Mute him and let him scream into the void if that helps. Check in on Cleveland fans. Chances are, even after their amazing run to get back into the race, they have neurotic fans melting down at a bad inning or a close pitch called incorrectly. They haven’t won a World Series since roughly the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. Watch them lose their minds instead. Schadenfreude is a powerful drug. Move. I’m in the process of selling my house and getting ready to move with my family to a new city. It’s incredibly stressful and keeps your mind focused on 87 other things that aren't the Minnesota Twins. Get into the minutiae of purchase agreements and you’ll find you have relatively little time to worry about how much the Giants knew about Sam Dyson’s health prior to the trade. Remember 2016. The Twins won 59 games. They were the worst team in baseball. Nobody cared about anything. Gleeman and the Geek spent all August talking about Aaron’s youth basketball stats. Anything is better than that. Follow any/all of these five steps to healthier, happier you. Until Max Kepler and Taylor Rogers get hurt. Then I’ve got nothing.
  25. RandBalls Stu
    The newest addition to the Twins roster is an inspiring story of an undrafted pitcher’s rapid rise from the team’s farm system to the majors. It’s also the story of there being a young professional athlete named “Randy Dobnak” in 2019. In an exclusive Twins Daily investigation, we explore the type of person more likely to have this name. Mechanic who lets you know that this is going to be pretty expensive and it’s going to take a while.Your dad’s best friend from high school who your mom Does. Not. Like. He has a Grand Am and a girlfriend 20 years his junior named Ashlynne. Keeps Tommy Bahama in business. Wears cologne to funerals.Bass player for ‘70s rock band that opened for Grand Funk Railroad at the Met Center.Farmer. Corn, soybeans, got out of dairy a couple years back.Shop teacher. Called kids “jackasses” until the school board cracked down on him.A frequent letter writer to the Star-Tribune’s op-ed page. His main concerns are “liberty” and “freedom.”The food scientist for Frito-Lay who helped develop Funyuns. License plate said SNAK MAN. Divorced.Every seventh male born in North Dakota between 1961-67.Guy who takes co-rec softball too seriously. Banned from the Woodbury Buffalo Wild Wings for yelling at an umpire and his family while they ate boneless garlic parmesan wings.Sitcom dad.A Minnesota Twins pitcher in 1979. Gene Mauch hates him because he keeps his hair too long.Perham man who has been to 22 consecutive WE Fests. Has a hard opinion about Kenny Chesney.Guy who has cornered the inner tube rental market in a resort town.Your insurance agent. Crushes Nicorette like it’s a contest.Frequent third-party candidate for all local offices.Image license here. Click here to view the article
×
×
  • Create New...