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The controversial Kentucky Derby trainer is seen by some as a bold, if unconventional choice, to turn the team’s flailing fortunes around. With the Minnesota Twins 2021 season on the precipice of disaster, the team’s front office made it clear that they are willing to think outside the box in their efforts to salvage it. Bob Baffert, the scandal-ridden trainer of champion racehorses, has been brought on as a consultant and assistant nutritionist for the remainder of the 2021 campaign. “His track record speaks for itself,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. “We’re not at all ready to give up on this year, we know we have playoff-caliber talent. Bob’s here to make sure we get the most out of it.” Baffert’s horses have won 16 Triple Crown races, but those victories have come with no small amount of controversy. Baffert-trained horses have failed multiple drug tests over his four decades in the sport, including four in 2020 and his most recent Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit. “We’re aware of the incident but we can’t comment on an ongoing investigation,” said Levine. “Bob said it won’t be a distraction and the culture Rocco (Baldelli) has built in our clubhouse ensures that it won’t.” Through a spokesperson, Baffert said he’s unconcerned with the transition from horse racing to baseball. “Horses run around the track. Players run around the bases. Same skill set, same concept. To suggest otherwise is a perfect example of cancel culture, frankly.” Twins players can best be described as intrigued but skeptical. “I guess I don’t mind the front office trying to shake things up,” said Twins third baseman Josh Donaldson. “But it’s weird. (Baffert) doesn’t call us by our actual names and has given us all horse names. I’m Midnight Son. (Jorge) Polanco is Timberline. And he keeps rubbing our haunches and asking if we’d like some more hay.” A clubhouse source said the 5-gallon buckets labeled “DINGER JUICE” and “STRIKEOUT BUTTER” observed by multiple reporters are “just standard training room fare.” The source also characterized inquiries about the contents of mason jars with “COSMONAUT URINE” emblazoned on the lids as “you sound like a cop, and you have to tell me if you’re a cop, I know my rights Obama.” Baffert’s only previous baseball experience was as a bench coach for the 2005 Florida Marlins, which is perhaps best remembered for the day Josh Beckett threw a 117 mph fastball against the Colorado Rockies before injuring his shoulder and being destroyed on the mound during Take Your Child to a Ballgame Day. (H/T to local man Jim Andrews for the inspiration.) View full article

"We’re almost to the finish line, Minnesota. Together, we can do this.”Citing increased vaccination rates and falling COVID numbers, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced new metrics for roasting the hell out of the Minnesota Twins. “I’m incredibly proud of the work Minnesotans have done in getting us to this point,” said Walz. “The epic failure of the Minnesota Twins in the first month of the season deserves a vigorous, full-throated response. And soon all of us will be able to provide it.” Walz revealed a graduated plan that will allow all Minnesotans to beat the holy hell out of the underperforming 11-19 squad no later than July 1st. PHASE 1 May 7: Fully vaccinated individuals can gather to craft “FIRE ROCCO” signage for use at home games before ushers remove them.Non-vaccinated or partially vaccinated individuals can write strongly worded posts on social media about the subpar play of Max Kepler, Miguel Sano, and Jorge Polanco.Minnesotans age 21 and older can take one (1) day off work at full pay, citing an “epic hangover, dude” after watching the bullpen crumble.Gleeman and the Geek listeners can get 25% off their first month of the Calm app. Use code “YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD ONE ACL BECKY? BATMAN. BATMAN HAD ONE ACL, BECKY” to subscribe.PHASE 2 May 28: All Minnesotans can gather indoors to be sad about baseball. Mask up if the group is 500+.All Minnesotans can yell at the sky about how unfair the injuries to Alex Kiriloff, Luis Arraez, or Byron Buxton are. Faith-based prayer and or cursing also acceptable and encouraged.Full-on heave crying in fully ventilated areas now permitted. Masks preferred but not required.If Minnesotans are choosing between an illegal stream of the Twins game or watching Twister on HBO, watching Twister on HBO is now recommended. Bill Paxton would have wanted it this way. Also way less spyware on the HBOMax app.Gleeman and the Geek listeners can get a free personal grooming kit from Harrys.com. Use the code “FIGHT ME, BUSTER OLNEY” to take advantage of this special offer.PHASE 3 July 1: If things are still bad, all Minnesotans can gather at the Blue Mounds State Park in Luverne to light a cleansing fire. It all burns in the fire. Snacks and refreshments will be provided. Corey Koskie will probably be there?Twins fans who are also Vikings fans can shift their focus to demanding Kellen Mond replace Kirk Cousins at quarterback even in poorly ventilated Willy McCoy's bar areas. Click here to view the article

Unlikable Chaska man hopes to return focus to Buxton’s injury history.On Thursday, Barry Daniel made the hard decision to delete an August 2017 tweet with a claim that even he could no longer defend. The tweet read “Face it, Twins apologists: Zach Granite is what Byron Buxton hopes to be. Deal with it. Sorry not sorry. #byronbuston.” The tweet also contained a GIF of Robert Redford slowly nodding in the film Jeremiah Johnson. Daniel said the intervening years have made this the wrong hill to die on. “While I’m very pleased with the hashtag, the fact remains that (Granite) hasn’t played in a major league game in four years and Buxton leads the league in twenty statistical categories,” said the 39-year-old bachelor. Daniel, who refused to wear a mask at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic and now only wears a mask outdoors “because the CDC has its own agenda,” said he will not apologize for the bad take. “I refuse to admit I’m wrong, and if you look at it in a certain light, some might argue that the tweet is entirely correct,” said Daniel. “But deleting the tweet can return the focus back to where it ought to be, and that is Buxton’s frequent injuries.” Buxton, who has missed a couple games this year with minor aches and pains, still leads the American League in home runs. Granite is currently with the Charlotte Knights, the Chicago White Sox Triple-A affiliate. “As we wait for his next stint on the DL, it’s very easy for his gaudy, me-first numbers to distract you,” said Daniel, whose only friend is Hitchens, a cat that hates him. When asked if he would delete the March 2019 tweet he made after the Twins traded Granite to the Texas Rangers (“Welcome to the World Series, Texas. Twins front office completely snookered again. #boygeniuses #yeahright”), Daniel said his account was likely hacked that day. Image license here. Click here to view the article

“Get your own thing,” the NFL team said in a strongly worded statement.The befuddling run of brain-scrambling Minnesota Twins losses has caused a lot of consternation among the team’s fans. It’s also caught the eye of the state’s professional football team. And not in a good way. “When Minnesota’s sports teams falter in a style that mixes cosmic ineptitude, shattered expectations, and the dumbest possible bad luck, there is but one team that Minnesota turns to, and that’s the Minnesota Vikings,” the team said on Thursday. This announcement came as the Vikings filed a cease-and-desist order in federal court to prevent the Twins from “damaging (the Vikings) brand by consciously and with malice aforethought utilizing copyrighted material.” The order cited the Twins’ most recent loss, a 13-12 extra-inning disaster at Oakland, as “pure content theft.” “Anyone with a working knowledge of football knows that losing a game in the last minute is public domain,” said the team. “But blowing a lead at the end of regulation, mounting a comeback in overtime, then blowing a lead again? That’s Vikings football. And when the final play involves an errant throw sailing over the intended target? Come on. He (Luis Arraez) may as well have had ‘Cousins’ on the back of his jersey.” The order also cited the baseball team’s big free agent signings as cause for concern. “Sometimes free agent signings don’t pan out, no one disputes that. But when one of them kick starts a plague outbreak and the other one is statistically the worst closer of all time at his current pace? May as well just steal the Gjallarhorn and put Helga braids on TC Bear. Get your own (expletive) thing.” The Twins could not be reached for comment. Rumors that the team plane landed in Deadwood, South Dakota by accident and the remaining healthy players are all hitchhiking back to Minneapolis could not be confirmed but are probably real. Click here to view the article

He knows what he did. Look at him.As Hansel Robles and Taylor Rogers surrendered another Minnesota lead on Thursday, Twins fans were up in arms. Did the Twins pull Michael Pineda one inning too soon? Was Robles the right call to start the eighth? Does a higher power hate the Minnesota Twins? While valid questions, multiple sources confirmed that Bryan Schafer of Prior Lake is responsible for Thursday’s bullpen collapse, as well as all the team’s recent struggles. The 37-year-old financial planner was not available for comment. “Just look at him,” said one source. “He’s done something. Something that just isn’t right. And who’s getting punished? The Minnesota Twins.” “You can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s no good,” said a source familiar with Schafer’s personal life and internet browsing history. “A real sicko, that one. And now we all have to suffer for his actions.” Schafer has no criminal record and is a married father of two. “To tell the truth, I’m not really surprised,” said a member of Schafer’s fantasy football league who asked not to be identified. “He hasn’t changed his team name in 13 years. He always drafts kickers way too early. He brings beers to the draft that taste like black licorice. He’s only in the league because he was my buddy’s brother-in-law, and that marriage ended after she left him for the guy who detailed their pontoon. I didn’t know he had a family until you told me he had kids. A real odd duck.” While it might seem unlikely to blame Josh Donaldson and Byron Buxton's tender hamstrings on a man they’ve neither met nor known, some say it makes all the sense in the world. “OK, so the Twins came back to win Thursday’s game,” said another source. “Do you think that happens if a perv like Bryan doesn’t know we’re onto his little games? No way, buster. He’s trying to sneak one past us and it’s not going to work, Bryan. Sick.” Image license here. Click here to view the article

You’re a Seattle Mariner. Congratulations! Here’s how you can enjoy a relaxing day in the Twin Cities.Welcome to town! You have a rare Friday off during the regular season. You’re probably wondering what you can do. To be clear, there’s a very real chance you can’t leave your hotel because of MLB’s COVID protocols, but I’m not going to look that up. So, in case you have some mobility, here are some things to pass the time in our wonderful state. CONSIDER GLENCOE: A community about 45 minutes west of Minneapolis. Not only do you get to drive by the Bongards Cheese Factory Store and right through the bafflingly-named Norwood-Young America, but once you get to Glencoe, there’s a Burger King, a Subway, and Bump’s Family Restaurant. It’s had an operating post office since 1856. Wow! GO TO THE MALL: We have many malls. Rosedale, the Mall of America, take your pick, buddy. Do you like Sephora? We’ve got ‘em! Get a new signature scent to mark the time you’ve spent here. Hit up Goldy’s Locker Room for a Gophers hoodie to let people know you’ve been here! Food court lunch? Friend, you can have a food court lunch in so many places. It’s been said the Orange Juliuses in Minnesota have more real orange flavor. I can’t prove this! WATCH A MOVIE: Minnesota’s theaters are starting to reopen, and you can go to any one of them to watch Godzilla and Kong beat the hell out of each other. Can you do that in Seattle? Maybe! I could probably Google it! But, you’re here today and it’s cheat day for your training regimen. Get that extra squirt of butter on your popcorn, champ. WALK AROUND A LAKE: Sure, Seattle is on Puget Sound. But we have many fine lakes with walking paths. And you don’t need a ferry to get to any of them. It’s supposed to be rainy, but you’re from Seattle! You’ve got this! Go to one of our poncho stores if you need raingear! GO TO A MUSEUM: I’ve been to a museum in Seattle. It was fine. But have you ever wondered what a Minnesota museum looks like? This question is rhetorical! We have a butt-ton of museums around here. Become a learned man of letters on your day off. ORDER PIZZA: You’re probably bushed from all the activities you’ve engaged in above. Time to relax. In Minnesota, you can use your cellular telephone to order a delicious pizza, and they’ll bring it to your hotel room! Whoa! Some of them even cut it in squares instead of the traditional slices. Also whoa! This only scratches the surface of the fun you can have on your day off in Minnesota. Come back after the season ends and spend a week! You can take part in some trademark Upper Midwest autumn fun, like yelling at our professional football team or raking leaves and taking them to the neighborhood yard waste disposal and compost site. Good luck doing that in Tacoma. Click here to view the article

Accept this and enjoy the season.The Twins are the New York Yankees. Now, this is a bold statement. And out of context, there are countless reasons to dispute this. To name just one example, the Twins are good and I like them. The Yankees, on the other hand, are monsters and their fans are goblins* and they should level Yankee Stadium and make it into a skate park for the wayward youths. However, both teams share a very particular challenge: the regular season does not matter. For New York, it’s all about expectations. The limitless payroll and franchise reputation mean anything less than a ring is a failure. For Minnesota, it’s about just winning a frigging playoff game. As a fan, you may be aware that the Twins have had no trouble reaching the postseason in the last two decades. What happens when they get there is like a baseball version of NBC’s This Is Us, in which Jess from Gilmore Girls dies in every episode (I haven’t seen the show, but I am told it’s very sad, and I would personally be gutted if Jess, Rory’s only good boyfriend, died all the time). After a long summer of winning baseball and genuine excitement, the playoffs snuff out every trace of joy with a devastating efficiency. The best thing about winter is that it gives us the time necessary to confront this grief, or at least compartmentalize it. With the season upon us, we must reckon as a fanbase with the undeniable truth that nothing good can happen for six months. They can underperform and/or get waylaid by injuries, which would be awful. (Yes, I'm aware of what happened in Game 1. Repeat the phrase "small sample size" to yourself until the trembling subsides.) They can win 103 games, which would be meaningless. All that matters is October. Take some time. Breathe deep. Center yourself like Willie Norwood under a lazy pop fly. There. You’ve made peace with it now. There’s so much to look forward to this year, and you should enjoy every minute of it. Most importantly, you’re going to be able to see them play in person at one of America’s great ballparks (or their minor leaguers in another fantastic venue). The lineup is stacked. Last year’s Cy Young runner-up still might not be the best starting pitcher, which is a frankly astonishing development for a team that has had generational problems building a rotation. The rest of the division is a couple travesties, doing whatever Cleveland is doing, and Chicago. Barring catastrophe or the infinite mysteries of baseball, the Twins are well positioned to hurt us all over again. But it would be cool if they didn’t. *My friend Greg is a Yankees fan but he's alright. I stand by the statement otherwise. Click here to view the article

“Now kids and collectors can share the fun of searching for the unsung employees who snagged that elusive extra year of team control for the hometown nine.”The longtime home of baseball cards is adding a new face to its lineup this year. But the featured players will be wearing half-zip pullovers, and instead wielding a bat, the only thing in these prospects’ hands are crisp spreadsheets and the intangible promise of future financial flexibility. Topps announced on Thursday that their 2021 run of baseball cards will feature the heroes of Service Time, recognizing the MLB front office employees getting the most team control out of the players they’ve drafted. “This move allows us to embrace the new wave of baseball,” said a Topps spokesperson. “Now kids and collectors can share the fun of searching for the unsung employees who snagged that elusive extra year of team control for the hometown nine. “Parents who got the Ken Griffey rookie card can share that same excitement when their children get a fresh Beckett Simonson, who managed to lock down another year from every top Seattle Mariners prospect this year.” Twins Daily asked students from Sweeney Elementary School in Shakopee what they thought about the move. Reaction was mixed. “I hate this,” said Benji Norlem, 9. “It’s dumb,” said Trevor Singh, 8. “My stepdad is an accountant,” said Angela DeSanto, 10. “I don’t want a baseball card with Kevin on it.” “I’m as excited for this as I am for a new Marvel movie or TikTok meme,” said Timothy Scott, who claimed to be a 4th-grader at Sweeney but had noticeable facial hair and vaped throughout the interview. When asked why he was wearing an Office of the Commissioner of Baseball lanyard, he excused himself and drove away in a Honda Odyssey. Card collectors advise that these likely won’t be worth much on the collectibles market, with one saying their future value projects to that of a 2014 Wandy Rodriguez that has been torn in half, eaten by a dog in a thundershirt, and thrown up. Image license here. Click here to view the article

“10,000 people at a game? We wish.”With the announcement that Target Field would be open to fans at reduced capacity to start the 2021 season, the former homes of the Minnesota Twins released a statement to the media regarding this initiative. For 49 years, we provided a home field for the Minnesota Twins and their fans. While we had glorious seasons with playoff runs and nightly sellouts, there were other, less crowded seasons. OK, there were many, many other less crowded seasons. If you feel at all put out by these restrictions, please know that there were years where this was done without public health in mind. Like Mickey Hatcher, it simply just happened. METROPOLITAN STADIUM: Once those legendary teams of the ‘60s and early ‘70s went away, it was a tough sell. If we could have gotten 10,000 fans to watch Willie Norwood butcher a fly ball in Bloomington or thrill to the stocky grandeur of Craig Kusick, we’d have been grateful. As it was, we’d get burnouts who had tickets to Deep Purple at the Met Center accidentally wander into the ballpark. We’d count them towards attendance and give them the boot once they lit their left-handed cigarettes and asked Halsey Hall if he had acid. METRODOME: 10,000 people at a game? We wish. You throw out 1987, 1991, and a few seasons around that, it was basically the players, security, media, and Mike Trombley’s extended family. What was nice is that you could really explore the space of the facility. Stretch out a little bit. Kids could enjoy the wind tunnel effect of the revolving doors over and over and over while the adults went to the Rally Room and got bagged in the comfort of a nondescript bar. Houston Jimenez played so often that the Black Sox were like, “Hey, you got mad at us for throwing games?” We made our own fun at the Metrodome. Now you have iPads and TikTok and craft sausage stands. It’s not the same. It’s not better. As we enjoy our respective retirements as a giant-ass mall and a new football stadium that keeps breaking, we hope you hold our memories close to your heart. Remember, 10,000 fans at a game is just one “we’ve hired an analytics geek from MIT and we’re gutting the team you love to maybe be competitive in 2029 if no one notices our garbage can whacking code” away. Click here to view the article

“The headline possibilities are endless. I need this. We need this.”With the Twins looking to build their Eddie Rosario-less outfield for the 2021 season, many tantalizing names are getting thrown around. Fans are clamoring for prize prospect Alex Kirilloff, while others are intrigued by the power of Brent Rooker. However, one Minnesotan has his eyes on a less-discussed option. “They gotta bring Kyle Garlick up,” said Star Tribune copy editor Kenneth Tuss. “They just gotta.” Tuss, who has worked at the Newspaper of the Twin Cities for over a decade, was quick to note this was not due to any personal relationship with the 29-year-old journeyman outfielder. “If he goes out and hangs a 4-for-5 on the White Sox, the headline is right there: GARLICK MINCES CHICAGO. I can hear the soft chuckles from Bloomington and St. Louis Park already.” Tuss is often tasked with adding headlines to Twins game stories. The job is not always a glamorous one, and any chance to seed some wordplay into the morning paper is welcome. “The headline possibilities are endless,” said the Minneapolis resident. “In a troubled time for print media and newspapers all over, I need this. We need this. Think about it: He sails a relay throw that allows the winning run to score. Now you’ve got yourself a ROASTED: GARLICK ERROR BURNS TWINS.” The veteran journalist admits that he spent the last week running through all the garlic puns he could use instead of maintaining contact with family, friends, and the outside world. “I guess my mom and dad got their vaccines on Monday, which is good for them I suppose,” said Tuss. “But think about the following: Kyle Garlick hits a walk-off home run that lands on the plaza. GARLICK MASHED. Or if he makes a diving catch to bail the team out of a high-leverage situation? TOO MUCH GARLICK SALTS AWAY SERIES SWEEP. That gives you alliteration too. He might be the most important Minnesota Twin of 2021, if not all time.” Tuss says this is the most excited he’s been for a Twins season since 2018, when he heard an unfounded rumor that they might acquire Chicago reliever Aaron Bummer. Click here to view the article

As the Twins dropped their third consecutive game in Grapefruit League action, one fan took the opportunity to get in his panic reps.Anders Goodwin is given to Twins-derived hyperbole. To the Apple Valley native, the Andrelton Simmons signing was “the team’s ticket to the World Series.” The Royce Lewis ACL tear “set the franchise back a decade, minimum.” And with the team losing a third consecutive preseason game on Thursday, he shared a new overreaction on multiple social media channels: “This team has no shot. 59 wins tops, and that’s if things go well for these chumps. Fire everyone, relocate the team to Montreal, seal the border. Sick of it.” When reached for comment, Goodwin initially did not back down. “No pitching. No power. No defense. It’s ridiculous. It’s a travesty. May as well join the [expletive] Peace Corps.” These statements stand in stark contrast to Goodwin’s Facebook post after the Twins got off to a 2-0 start in Florida: “This team is already firing on all cylinders. Go to Vegas, bet on the Twins to win it all, thank me later. Can’t wait for the haters who doubt them to get what’s coming to them. Bandwagon’s full, sorry Charlie. Love this team.” Reminded of this statement, Goodwin put the words in context. “These games may be meaningless to the average observer. Perhaps they are. But they mean everything to me. How am I going to give myself an ulcer when they get swept by a division rival this year? When Berrios throws a 2-hit shutout in a critical August game, will I have the presence of mind to howl shirtless on my front lawn? You have to put in the work. The panicking I do in March pays off down the line. Every post. Every group text. Every muttered obscenity.” Asked for his thoughts on the coming weekend’s action, Goodwin said his expectations were mixed. “I doubt they’ll win another game. Ever. But if they turn it around, I’m prepared to support their inevitable championship run and ruin the life of anyone who doubted it.” Click here to view the article

The Old Ones, praise their name, look to build on some unexpected preseason momentum.Top Minnesota Twins prospect Royce Lewis slipped on some ice when a freak snowstorm hit his home state of Texas. When he got to Spring Training, he was diagnosed with a torn ACL. The Injury Gods took notice. “This took them by surprise too,” said a source close to the Gods, who requested anonymity in order to avoid being catapulted into the Swamp of Dread and Biting Things. “A snowstorm in Houston was not on their radar, and bear in mind they trapped Marty Cordova in a tanning bed because they were bored on a Thursday.” This bonus misfortune is said to be spurring the Injury Gods to inflict even greater anguish on long-suffering Twins fans. “When something like that falls in your lap you can really build an avalanche of pain and perfect grief,” said the source. “If They play this right, the agony promises to be even more exquisite than last year’s playoff exit. “You don’t expect to see Jontu of the Poison Wind smiling. He’s older than time itself. But He’s like a kid out there, just looking at Minnesota’s deep roster of young talent and noting how fragile their tendons and ligaments truly are.” While it’s impossible to know what the Old Ones have planned in specific, a second source tells Twins Daily to expect the unexpected. “Look, it’s not going to be a pulled hamstring running out a grounder,” said the source. “It’s not going to be a pitcher feeling something tighten when he throws a fastball. That is played out. This is Minnesota. They’re going to make it hurt and make it confusing. Why did a Dodge Charger just fall on Alex Kirilloff? He’s standing in the dugout. How’d a car even get in there? Why is the stereo playing ‘Butterfly’ by Crazy Town? You’ll go to your grave never knowing. Alex will retire at 28 to become a gardener and his left elbow will always hurt when it rains.” The source also speculated that They would not limit their attention to the state’s baseball team. “Oh, They’re quite aware of the Minnesota Vikings,” said the source. “Torvald the Bleak calls them His finest work. Who do you think guaranteed all that money to Kirk Cousins?” Click here to view the article