RandBalls Stu

“It’s like riding a bike, but the bike is existential sadness and it doesn’t have a bullpen,” said Edmund. Lisa Edmund is just about to lose it. “Where are the pitchers? Where’s the shortstop? Do we have any catchers left?” Edmund, 44, is a Minnesota Twins fan since childhood. She spent most of her winter fretting about the owners’ lockout. As the rhetoric grew harsher and games started getting canceled, she “totally panicked.” When the two sides finally came to an agreement last week, the Belle Plaine native was profoundly relieved, right? Wrong. “The regular season starts tomorrow, basically. They made a bunch of trades and still have gaping holes in the roster. This cannot possibly be the plan. I feel like I am taking crazy pills.” When it was pointed out that the Twins did acquire a top-of-the-rotation starter in Sonny Gray, Edmund grew agitated. “Did they get four more Sonny Grays? Can he come out of the bullpen on his off-days? Do they really expect to contend this year? And if they don’t, why did they trade Chase Petty? I’m trying to find any sort of road map here and I’m coming up wanting.” While the front office has urged patience, Edmund refuses to heed that advice. “I’ve seen this before. Remember when they brought up Jason Bartlett as the 25th man even though it made no sense and then he just went, 'Oops, retired, smell ya later' and we all just had to deal with the fact that they only had 24 guys to bring north and just started asking around if anyone else felt like going? That’s where we’re at now. We just dumped all of Josh Donaldson’s contract, we have money to burn and spaces to fill. Last I checked, we picked up Jose Godoy to be a less-swole Ben Rortvedt. Terrific. I should get season tickets because I’ve never seen a team play without a shortstop for 81 games, oughta be a blast. This is madness.” When asked if she was actually happy that the season was saved, Edmund took a moment to ponder the question and light another cigarette. “I guess so? I would have been miserable if the owners banged the season, but I’m miserable now, too. It’s like riding a bike, but the bike is existential sadness and it doesn’t have a bullpen.” View full article

In what is hopefully the final Lockout Lookup, we discuss just one of the many 2014 Twins outfielders. This is the story of Sam Fuld. Subject: Sam Fuld Why You Remember Him: The 2014 Minnesota Twins outfield. You remember it, don’t you? The banged-up Josh Willingham. The inconsistent Oswaldo Arcia. The more inconsistent Danny Santana. The raw Aaron Hicks. The soon-to-retire Jason Kubel. The *squints at Baseball Reference, because I do not remember this guy playing in one game, much less 41* real person Jordan Schafer. And the subject of this profile, Sam Fuld. Fuld was snagged off waivers from Oakland in April 2014 after previous Lockout Lookup subject Darin Mastroianni struggled out of the gate and was DFA’ed. His remarkably thorough* Wikipedia page notes that he led the Twins in on-base percentage in his 53 games with the dreadful 2014 squad and you know what, I believe it. *Fuld’s Wikipedia page is long enough to qualify as a canonical addition to Tolkein’s Rings saga. Although hobbits and orcs aren’t mentioned, they’re implied. Fuld would get traded back to Oakland at the deadline for Tommy Milone, who will be throwing 86 mph fastballs in three starts for the Diamondbacks before being sent to Triple A for the rest of our natural lives. The Stanford product’s most notable seasons came with the Rays, who acquired him from the Cubs in the Matt Garza trade. Is Sam Fuld the most 2011 Tampa Bay Devil Ray? Discuss amongst yourselves. (John Jaso is the strongest contender.) What You Don’t Remember: He was the leadoff hitter for Team Israel in the 2017 World Baseball Classic. What You Might Remember: His frequent Buxton-esque wall collisions in Tampa led to a #LegendOfSamFuld hashtag on the bird site. What’s He Up To: Fuld is the general manager for your Philadelphia Phillies. Which means that one of his special assistants last year was…Terry Ryan, the man who claimed him off waivers in 2014. View full article

At the turn of the last decade, one man bestrode the mound like a colossus. This is the story of Jose Mijares. Subject: Jose Mijares Why You Remember Him: Mijares was part of the Minnesota Twins bullpen from 2008-2011. A promising start (2.34 ERA with 55/23 K/BB in 2009) deteriorated to the point where he was non-tendered after the 2011 season. If you recall the Twins bullpen of that period, that wasn’t a ringing endorsement of Mijares’ continued viability. Mijares rebounded with Kansas City and San Francisco in 2012, appearing in 78 games and snagging a World Series ring with the Giants. Of course, the real reason you remember him is that he was, well, a big fella. We love the hefty relievers, don’t we folks? Terry Forster, Rich Garces, and Mijares all sort of looked like regular dudes instead of world-class athletes with 2.1% body fat who only eat protein shakes, plain chicken breasts, and broccoli. It also plays into the fiction that, hey, if these guys can do it, we could go out there and strike someone out, return a Serena Williams serve, get a bucket in an NBA game, etc. Please understand that this could never happen, not in a million billion years. The humiliation on your face as you attempted and failed to do any of these things over and over would power a large Ohio city if it could be harnessed for electricity. Let’s say Youngstown. What You Don’t Remember: He was dinged for using a banned substance (non-performance enhancing) in 2015. What You Might Remember: Some other 2011 bullpen denizens: Alex Burnett. Dusty Hughes. Eric Hacker. Chuck James. Lester Oliveros. They went 63-99 for a reason, man. What’s He Up To: There’s nothing super current out there. I don’t even think Seth knows what he’s up to, and Seth knows everything about Twins past, present, and future. Hopefully he’s somewhere eating whatever he wants and living a nice retired life. View full article

If you were a baseball GM in the mid-to-late '00s, chances are you traded Brendan Harris at one point. Subject: Brendan Harris Why You Remember Him: If you were a wheeling and dealing MLB GM in the mid-to-late ‘00s, chances are you threw in Brendan Harris as part of the deal. The infielder out of William & Mary was moved four times between 2004 and 2010, three of them involving your Minnesota Twins. 2004: As part of the 4-team Nomar Garciaparra blockbuster (Twins fans: feel free to call this the Dougie Baseball blockbuster, I won’t tell anyone), Harris was traded by the Cubs to the Montreal Expos. 2006: In the only non-Minnesota transaction, the Expos are now the Nationals, and they include Harris in a trade with the Reds for Austin Kearns. 2007: The Matt Garza trade! You remember the Matt Garza trade! Harris came over with (sigh) Delmon Young and Jason Pridie for Garza, Jason Bartlett, and Eddie Morlan. 2010: The J.J. Hardy trade! You remember the J.J. Hardy trade! You’re probably still mad about it and that’s OK! Harris and Hardy were shipped to Baltimore for Jim Hoey and Brett Jacobsen. I’m getting upset just typing it. Harris was coming off a career year in Tampa (highs in OPS, HRs, RBI, OBP, and batting average) when he joined Minnesota. He didn’t quite scale those offensive heights in his 2+ seasons here and his defense didn’t make up for it. Despite this, the team signed him to an extension prior to the 2010 season in a move described by one local blogger as a “head-scratcher.” What You Don’t Remember: Future Twin Orlando Cabrera was also moved in the Nomar/Mientkiewicz deal. What You Might Remember: From 2011 to 2013, J.J. Hardy led all major league shortstops with 77 home runs. Hoey pitched 24 innings for the 2011 Twins before never seeing the majors again. I’ve just made myself upset again! This is on me! What’s He Up To: Harris is using his Wharton MBA for X10 Capital, an organization that “empowers professional athletes with the tools and resources necessary to fulfill their dreams.” Before you ask, yes, Tuffy Gosewisch is one of his co-workers. You can find him occasionally tweeting at @brendanharris23. View full article

The Twins didn't always have a problem finding an answer at the shortstop position, even if that answer wasn't always the best one. This is the tale of Cristian Guzman. Subject: Cristian Guzman Why You Remember Him: A key part of the Chuck Knoblauch trade along with Eric Milton (no offense to Brian Buchanan and Danny Mota), Guzman held down the shortstop position during Minnesota’s early-‘00s renaissance. Most noteworthy was his All-Star 2001 campaign, which the New York Times’ Aaron Gleeman ranks as the 8th-best season ever by a Twins shortstop. Equally noteworthy, if less pleasant, is that he just couldn’t hit that good outside his 2001 surge. Gleeman notes in the link that Guzman has the lowest OPS+ of any Minnesota Twin with that many plate appearances. As someone who remembers Tim Laudner hitting .203 with seven home runs for what felt like 100 years, this surprised me. That said, any Metrodome attendee from 1999-2004 will remember Bob Casey bellowing “Cristian Guuuuuuuuuuuuuzman” until their dying day. There are worse legacies. Guzman left the Twins in free agency for the Washington Nationals in 2005. After an injury-plagued start in D.C., he managed a second All-Star appearance in 2008. He last played with the Texas Rangers in 2010. What You Don’t Remember: His 1999 salary was $200,000. What You Might Remember: Guzman led the American League in triples in 2000, 2001, and 2003. When he did get on base, Guzman could move. He also led AL shortstops in errors in 2001. What’s He Up To: Per Wikipedia, he lives in New Jersey with his wife and six children. No other sources for that claim, but there's also a Cristian Guzman Carpentry LLC listed in Springfield, NJ, so it's at least possible. View full article

The Twins used to have a player named Aaron Hicks before sending him away. He became an All-Star for the New York Yankees. This is the story of who the Twins acquired. Why You Remember Him: The Twins wanted a catcher. And while I have no way of knowing this for certain, they also wanted someone with the most Irish New York cop name in Major League Baseball. Thus, they acquired John Ryan Murphy from the New York Yankees for outfielder Aaron Hicks. Hicks would become a reliable All-Star because of course he would. Murphy would not become a reliable Minnesota All-Star because of course he wouldn’t. But it’s much worse than that! Per Baseball Reference, Hicks produced 8.1 WAR in 2017 and 2018. Murphy produced 82 at-bats for the Twins with a .143 average. But it’s much worse than even that! Numbers can be cold and lifeless, but video is forever. You can find, on the public internet where even kids can see it, clips of Murphy hitting a go-ahead home run for the Yankees vs. the Twins and Hicks making a diving stab to finish off another victory for the Bombers over the hometown nine. This feels like something we all should have seen coming considering the two parties involved in the transaction. But we just let it happen and hoped for the best and here we are. “Never have dreams.” –Twins Daily co-founder Parker Hageman What You Don’t Remember: If you’re playing bar trivia, he’s the answer to the question, “Who caught Mariano Rivera’s final pitch?” In his third professional game, no less. He also was C.C. Sabathia's 3000th strikeout. What You Might Remember: Murphy was eventually traded to Atlanta for Gabriel Moya. Moya has not pitched in the bigs since 2018. What’s He Up To: Murphy is a free agent, last playing for PIttsburgh in 2020. Will he return to the game and inflict more pain, either directly or via side channels, on the Minnesota Twins? I mean, probably. View full article

With the lockout dragging on (and on, and on), Twins Daily takes a look at one of the key pieces of the Johan Santana trade. Subject: Philip Humber Why You Remember Him: The Twins traded the immortal Johan Santana to the New York Mets for Humber, beloved space cadet Carlos Gomez, Deolis Guerra, and Kevin Mulvey in 2008. The Texas native was one of the arms meant to replace the admittedly irreplaceable Santana. He pitched 20 innings for Minnesota over two seasons before being granted free agency after the 2009 season. He continued his journeyman career through 2016 with one absolute highlight (see below) before retiring. What You Don’t Remember: He was drafted third overall in the 2004 MLB Draft by the Metropolitans. The second overall pick? Justin Verlander. That’s why Mr. Met is always forcing a smile. (For those curious: The number #1 pick was Matt Bush, who didn’t reach the majors until 2016 and pitched four innings for the Rangers last year. And your Minnesota Twins took Trevor Plouffe at #20 and Glen Perkins at #22. Good picks!) What You Might Remember: The 21st perfect game in Major League Baseball history was pitched by Philip Humber for the godless and frankly disgusting Chicago White Sox. That said, A.J. Pierzynski caught the game, so it wasn’t all bad. 16 total career wins. One perfect game. The power of A.J. What’s He Up To: He’s back in his hometown of Carthage in eastern Texas. You can read a 2021 interview with him in the Tyler (TX) newspaper where he reflects on his career and the perfect game. You can also work with him in his capacity as a brokerage professional on your commercial real estate needs. View full article

There was a time, not too long ago, when people would say out loud that the Twins should part ways with Byron Buxton and let Zack Granite shine. This is his story. Subject: Zack Granite Why You Remember Him: There was a time, not so long ago, that people, maybe even people you know and love, MAYBE EVEN YOU, doubted Byron Buxton. In order to doubt Byron Buxton, an honest man, a righteous man, needs to suggest an alternative. That alternative was an innocent man named Zack Granite. He should not and does not carry the weight of your and/or your associate’s poor judgment and weak character. Zack Granite was born innocent. But the fact remains: It happened. We all saw it. And you and yours are ACCOUNTABLE. That said, prior to the weird crush Buxton doubters had on him, Granite was a highly-regarded prospect in the Twins organization. The Seton Hall product shared 2016 Minor Leaguer of the Year honors with Stephen Gonsalves. Remember Stephen Gonsalves? He’s in the Cubs system and pushing 30 now. Prospects get old too. Unable to displace Buxton, Granite was traded to the Rangers for Xavier Moore prior to the 2019 season. What You Don’t Remember: In 2009, Granite was the 17th-best NHL 09 player in the entire world. Twins PR can’t lie about these factoids so it must be true. While we’re on Twitter, the majority was correct on this John “Twins Gerk” Bonnes survey. What You Might Remember: He had a dog named Jeter. He’s from Staten Island, so that’s the kind of thing that happens and you just accept it even if it’s gross and wrong. He also missed first base trying to beat out an infield single against the Yankees in the 2017 playoffs. What’s He Up To: Granite retired in July of last year. Will this stop a certain kind of Twins fan wishing that he’d replace Buxton in center or catch on in Atlanta to replace that bum Rosario? No. It might encourage it, frankly. View full article

The tale of a man who was traded twice in ten days, but oh what a ten days it was. Subject: Jaime Garcia Why You Remember Him: The summer of 2017. The Twins were contending for an AL Central pennant, trailing division-leading Cleveland by a mere half-game. Shoring up their rotation for late-summer glory, the team moved prospect Huascar Ynoa (more on him later) to Atlanta for veteran starter Jaime Garcia (along with Anthony Recker and cash money). Garcia immediately stepped in and picked up a win in his first start, giving up three earned runs and eight hits in 6 2/3 innings. And then he was gone. That half-game deficit was as of July 20. Ten days later, the Twins were seven games back of a surging Cleveland and in the rearview of a hot Kansas City squad. With the trade deadline looming, Minnesota reversed course and sent Garcia to the Yankees for Zach Littell and Dietrich Enns. The kicker, of course, is that the Twins still snagged the last wild card spot in a subpar American League and lost to Garcia’s Yankees. He did not pitch in New York’s 8-4 victory, marking one of the few Twins playoff defeats to the Bronx Bombers that could have been even more humiliating. What You Might Remember, Part 1: Littell left Minnesota in free agency in 2020 and became a crucial part of San Francisco’s 2021 NL West-winning bullpen. It is very, very fair to say the Twins could have used him in 2021. What You Might Remember, Part 2: Ynoa had an up-and-down year for Atlanta last season, posting a 4.05 ERA in 17 starts, hitting a grand slam, breaking his pitching hand by punching a bench, and being a late scratch for a critical NLCS start, eventually missing the rest of the postseason. The whole World Series thing probably makes up for that. It is very, very fair to say the Twins could have used him in 2021. What You Don’t Remember, Part 1: Dietrich Enns is currently pitching in Japan for the Saitama Seibu Lions. It is very, very fair to say the Twins might have used him in 2021. What You Don’t Remember, Part 2: Anthony Recker is now part of the Mets broadcast team. It is very, very fair to say that Bally Sports North might have used him in 2021. The 2017 Jaime Garcia Trade Winners, Ranked: Atlanta San Francisco, despite not being involved in either trade New York Minnesota What’s He Up To: Garcia decade-long career ended after a stint with the Cubs in 2018. He now works with Water Mission, a Christian organization that provides clean water to the developing world. Question for Commenters: What was your favorite Jaime Garcia Twins moment? View full article

This week, we discuss a man with a gigantic cell phone who couldn't strike out if he tried. Subject: Brian Harper Why You Remember Him: At the base Twins fan level, he was on the 1991 Twins and caught Game 7. For the folks who were there, we can tell you he was impossible to strike out, made one of the most ridiculous defensive plays in team history despite a rep for iffy defense, and has a baseball card with Zach Morris’ cell phone. Harper was a journeyman before joining the Twins, and not a very highly regarded one at that. How did he blossom here? Bill James: In summary, the Twins got a catcher on the cheap, in his prime, who was an on-base machine that ran up counts. I mean no offense in any way to Junior Ortiz, Tim Laudner, or Sal Butera--I celebrate all Twins catchers of that era--but do they win the 1991 World Series without him? Probably maybe? I’d rather not find out. What You Don’t Remember: Led American League catchers in errors in 1989 and in stolen bases allowed in 1992 and 1993. His not-great rep on defense had some meat on the bone. That said, he and Kent Hrbek got Lonnie Smith and Sid Bream out on a 3-2-3 double play in the 8th inning of the best World Series game ever played. You probably remember that. What You Might Remember: Rather than re-sign him after the 1993 season, the Twins replaced him with Matt Walbeck, who they acquired from the Cubs for Willie Banks. Harper played in just 66 more games in his career. What’s He Up To: Brian and his son Brett work at Player’s Choice, a baseball academy in Scottsdale founded by Steve Ontiveros. View full article

This week’s subject is a grown man named Buddy. Subject: Jeffrey Alan “Buddy” Boshers Why You Remember Him: In the eminently forgettable 2016 Twins season (59-103, sadness everywhere, any teen fan who watched them is a Goth now and that’s to be expected), a man took the mound for the Minnesota Twins. A man with a plan. A man named…Buddy. Boshers, a Huntsville, Alabama native, pitched in 37 games for that cursed squad. He went 2-0 with a 4.25 ERA. He followed it up with 38 games for the much-improved 2017 team and didn’t lose that season either. Yes, win-loss records are a devalued currency. Yes, he was a situational reliever. Yes, he was often in games where Ricky Nolasco had already given up seven runs in 2.2 innings. BUT STILL: Buddy Boshers never lost a game for the Minnesota Twins, including one of their most historically inept teams. Where is his bobblehead, Twins PR? What You Don’t Remember: He was a 4th-round draft pick! The Angels selected him in 2008. America’s Ten Greatest Buddys, Ranked: Buddy Holly Buddy Guy Buddy Rich Buddy Hackett Buddy Miles Buddy Ryan Buddy Ebsen “Buddy Holly” by Weezer Buddy Boshers Buddy Valastro, TV's The Cake Boss (Yes, I'm aware of the NBA's Buddy Hield, but he's Bahamian. Also, Hield got his nickname from Married With Children's Bud Bundy. The more you know.) What’s He Up To: Appears to be semi-retired after pitching for the Blue Jays in 2019. He spent 2021 working at The Yard, “North Alabama’s premier private indoor sports and training complex designed for softball and baseball players of all ages and skill levels.” Also found him on Facebook and his family is adorable. View full article

This week's subject is a journeyman outfielder who stayed local and developed an incredible beard. Subject: Darin Mastroianni Why You Remember Him: In the fallow times after Target Field’s opening season, the Twins saw a lot of players. You know the staggering amount of roster churn that took place last season when [expletive] started going sideways? This went on for years in the early-to-mid 2010s. You could be watching Dickandbert and they’d be talking about Wilkin Ramirez or Shairon Martis and you’d look up and say “who the in the sam hell is that” and by the time you turned up the volume they were optioned to the minors. By comparison, Mastroianni stuck around. The outfielder and University of Southern Indiana Hall of Famer played for the Twins in 2012, 2013, and briefly in 2016 before retiring. 2012 was his busiest campaign, playing 77 games and finishing 13th in the American League with 21 stolen bases. What You Don’t Remember: Look at this lineup from May 7, 2016. LOOK AT IT. Double Santanas! ByungHo Park! One of the Arcias! For the record, they lost to the White Sox 7-2 and fell to 8-22 on the season. Chris Sale pushed his record to 7-0 and didn’t take a Fiskars to any throwback uniforms. What You Might Remember: He was the fourth outfielder version of a timeshare, as he alternated between the Blue Jays and Twins from 2011-2016. putting in two stints with both franchises. What’s He Up To: He married a local woman, started a family and stayed here. He’s currently a financial advisor for Edward Jones if you’d like to put your IRA in the hands of a former MLBer with frankly the sickest beard in the financial advisory game. Maybe you'd trust your retirement with a Jason Kubel or a Cole De Vries. Ask yourself if they can pull off that kind of beard. Kubel might be able to but it would take a while and come in all patchy. View full article

This week, Twins Daily checks in on a good-natured southern gentleman who once brought a legend to tears. Subject: Matthew LeCroy Why You Remember Him: Catchers are inherently memorable. This is just a theory, but as with hockey goaltenders, it takes a different breed to voluntarily have projectiles launched at you at fearsome speeds. As if this weren’t hazardous enough, they expose their most delicate area to the baseball (ask Mitch Garver) while a large man swings a wooden spindle within mere inches of his brainpan. They’re just built different, I guess. Even the non-greats find a place in your memory palace. From Junior Ortiz to Mike Redmond, I celebrate them all. Matthew LeCroy was a catcher (and designated hitter/first baseman) for the Twins from 2000-2005. Prone to striking out, he managed to belt 17 dingers in 2003 and 2005. In a clubhouse already brimming with characters, the South Carolina native stood out as the kind of guy who allegedly tried to get Eddie Guardado to eat possum. LeCroy’s defensive liabilities were exposed most notably in 2006, when he signed with the Washington Nationals. Manager Frank Robinson pulled him from a game against the Astros after the latter gave up seven stolen bases and committed two errors. Robinson fought back tears as he explained the decision after the game, clearly not wanting to humiliate the veteran. Robinson was a tough, tough SOB who came up during the civil rights era, but Matty LeCroy trying to play catcher on a bum knee got him up in his feelings. LeCroy returned to the Twins in 2007, his final major league season. Twins Daily was unable to confirm if he ever got Guardado to consume the protein-rich possum flesh. What You Don’t Remember: Frank Robinson appeared in an episode of the CBS sitcom Yes, Dear with Ernie Banks and Johnny Bench. There were 122 episodes of Yes, Dear. It was on TV for years. I couldn’t tell you a single other thing about this show. What’s He Up To: Managing former Twins Triple-A affiliate Rochester. View full article