Riverbrian

The Birds are coming to town for a 4-game series before 23 players get an all-star break, starting Monday. Bird nicknames are really quite popular: the Orioles, Cardinals and Jays in baseball, the Penguins and Ducks in hockey, Hawks in basketball, and the Cardinals, Eagles, Ravens, Falcons and Seahawks in football. Plus... numerous college teams with bird nicknames. However… not all bird species are represented in the world of sports. To my knowledge there are no teams named after the Olive-sided flycatcher and, in my opinion, that is an absolute shame; clearly a baseball oversight. I don’t believe any team is named after the bird of paradise either but this may be due to the dangers of the bird flying up your nose. Here are some things to think about: 1. Fargo – Fargo is a city in southeastern North Dakota, population of 120,000. The Coen brothers didn’t help matters, but for clarification… Fargo does have a few people who end sentences with “there” or “then” and a few people who say “You Betcha” “Don’tcha” “Didya” “Darn Tootin” “It could be Worse” and “Holy Buckets” but those are only the people who can communicate effectively in Fargo. The rest primarily use grunts and hand signals to communicate, for example, when they want to turn right… they stick out their left hand… and then they turn left. I know it sounds crazy but it seems to work for them. 2. Our Twins – The Twins haven’t had a day off in a while. Before they hit the All-Star break… it will be 21 games in 20 straight days. According to the Department of Labor… an employer who requires or permits an employee to work overtime is generally required to pay the employee premium pay for such overtime work… at least one and one-half times their regular rates of pay. As a result… the Twins will have to cut Joe Mauer to budget the overage caused by the excessive overtime. Joe hasn’t been informed of this yet so please keep it to yourself. 3. The Orioles – We did play these guys in Baltimore earlier this season and we swept them at home. It was sarcastically nice that Zach Britton has been removed from the disabled list just in time to face us but we could always hope that he is still somewhat injured. No matter what you think of the Orioles… you can’t deny that they hit the long ball. If you look at the roster construction you’d assume that this was done intentionally. You don’t sign Chris Davis and Mark Trumbo while attempting to build a team full of speed and defense. 4. Today’s Joe M Conversation: Montana: Hey, guys… give me a beer. It’s been a long day at the courthouse. McCarthy: Are you getting sued by the Bengals again? Montana: No… the Statue of Limitations is up. Maddon: Statute… that's statute of limitations… not statue of limitations. Montana: No… I meant statue… it's up now. The pigeons seem to love it. Mauer: Why were you at the courthouse? Montana: Jury duty. Maddon: What’s the case about? Montana: I can’t discuss it… I was sworn to secrecy. McCarthy: He can’t discuss the case. Montana: Yeah, they really swear at you… a steady stream of four-letter words shouted at you until you promise not to discuss the case. McCarthy: Jurors have to be sworn in… standard procedure in a court of law. Witnesses must be sworn in… to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Maddon: And lawyers… they need to be sworn in as well? McCarthy: Not lawyers… they can lie all they want… it's cool. 5. It Goes Without Saying – My wife pulled that line out last night. She said, “It goes without saying… you will have to cancel that fishing trip this weekend because Aunt Gladys is coming to town." She doesn’t have to say it… if it goes without saying and if she doesn’t say it… like she shouldn’t because it goes without saying… well… then… it goes without saying that I will the miss the visit by Aunt Gladys because I will be fishing. Click here to view the article

West Coast teams are tough to stay awake for

if Mejia can be decent he'd become a third decent guy in the rotation. That will allow me to focus on the bullpen as the item remaining in the "why didn't you do something about it" box.

The Same

Aaron Judge: I hope you know... You are going to look very short in this photo and people are going to comment on it. Jose Altuve: It's Ok... I'm used to being Judged. http://www.mlb.com/assets/images/6/6/8/240077668/cuts/original_u1uc9efq_n2r3henc.jpg

http://i2.cdn.cnn.com/cnnnext/dam/assets/141113124808-01-shortest-tallest-man-horizontal-large-gallery.jpg

I'm a legit 5-9 I've had conversations with actual college basketball players and looked them in the eye while holding a program that lists them as 6-1.

A clear example of two wrongs don't make a right.

Useless Home Runs are still more useful than this http://www.funnysigns.net/files/sign-not-in-use.jpg

Dude... You gotta give me time to guess.

We get to celebrate the 4th of July at home with a 3-game series against the Angels. The 4th of July is an American holiday because it celebrates our independence. We are not the only country that has a 4th of July because every country has a 4th of July right after the 3rd of July but we are the only country that celebrates the day by accidently blowing off fingers. July 4th, 1776, we shifted from taxation without representation to what we know today as taxation with representatives who are kind enough to send us form letters when we present an issue of concern. We have come a long way baby! It was July 4th, 1776 that we declared that we would damn well use… inches, feet, miles, pounds and fahrenheit. It was July 4th, 1776 that we declared in one united voice that we don’t have to know what the Duchess of Cambridge is doing today. She wore Gucci yesterday but I don’t have to know about today cuz I’m an American. If any of you don’t believe the Twins can win the World Series… look to the Revolutionary War for inspiration. Gaining independence was the longest of long shots, yet look what happened… a total of over 75,000 trained British Soldiers, loyalists and hired out Hessians defeated by just four fathers. Go Twins… the American Revolution shows us all that It can be done!!! Here are some things to think about: 1. Delano – The oldest and largest 4th of July celebration in Minnesota is held in Delano. I understand the marketing power of largest but oldest doesn’t excite me because they ran out of food and beer in 1858… I like my celebrations fresh and fully stocked. Delano is a town of 5,464 people, located 28 miles to the west of Minneapolis or 1,756 miles east of Salem, Oregon. The Kurier Polski is published in Delano every 6 weeks; it is the only Polish Newspaper published in the Midwest. It has a circulation of 1500; of those 1500, only 6 actually understand Polish. Which is better than the 4 who actually understand my game thread opens. 2. Our Twins – The 1st half is officially in the books with the Twins checking in with a 41-40 record. That’s a great performance from the local 9 because it is 37 more wins than anybody expected. The All-Star team rosters were announced last night. No starters for the Twins, Miguel Sano was beaten out by Jose Ramirez in the final moments for starter at 3B. The Twins will have 3 reserve all-stars in Miami with Ervin Santana and Miguel Sano… take a second… think about the physical size of Sano… in consideration of his size… the 3 all-stars joke will be kinda funny… with an emphasis on kinda. 3. The Angels – This team is a lot like the Twins. Not much was expected of the Angels this year and yet they managed to pull into Minneapolis with a 43-43 record and this was done without Mike Trout for a significant amount of time. The last time the Twins and Angels met, it was in Anaheim and I had to stay up until past midnight to watch them. This time the Californians will have to stay up late. 4. Today’s Joe M Conversation: Montana: This is kind of interesting Maddon: What? Montana: It says here that married people live longer than single people. McCarthy: It’s not true… it just seems longer. Mauer: I gotta text Maddie and let her know. Maddon: What are you reading? Montana: Brides Magazine McCarthy: No conflict of interest with that pro-marriage article. Montana: It’s a very reputable publication. There is also a great article on the next big engagement ring trend… actual carrots instead of carats. Maddon: Did you just say carrots instead of carrots? Montana: No… carrots… instead of carets. Maddon: OK… not carrots… instead of carrots. Montana: Correct McCarthy: It says here in Popular Mechanics that 100% of all divorces begin with marriage. Montana: I can see that Mauer: I texted Maddie and told her that I’m going to live a long time and it’s all because of her. Maddon: Did she text back? Mauer: She told me not to be over-confident just because her last scheme didn’t work. 5. The Magic Fridge – I went to the fridge looking for something to snack on. I took a look inside, there was plenty of food but I didn’t find anything that I wanted. Thirty minutes later… I went back to the fridge and I am reporting that the situation in the fridge did not change. And… and… for complete clarity… I’m telling you all… that I went back to the fridge perhaps an hour after that and again there was no change in the contents of the fridge. I’ve been married for 27 years now and my wife no longer asks why I do such things. _________________________ Lineups: ANGELS Cameron Maybin CF Kole Calhoun RF Albert Pujols DH Yunel Escobar 3B Andrelton Simmons SS Martin Maldonado C Luis Valbuena 1B Danny Espinosa 2B Ben Revere LF Alex Meyer P TWINS Joe Mauer 1B Eduardo Escobar 2B Miguel Sano 3B Max Kepler RF Kennys Vargas DH Eddie Rosario LF Jorge Polanco SS Jason Castro C Byron Buxton CF Adalberto Mejia P Weather: clear, sunny, 81 deg, winds at 9mph from the ESE. Nice! Click here to view the article

I'm big enough to apologize when necessary. I'm sorry that she grew up in Ames?

It’s a 4-game series over 3 days in Kansas City this weekend. If all 4 games are played, the Twins will reach the 81 game mark for the year at the conclusion of Sunday’s game and that is the midway point. Being in the middle isn’t always a good thing. Being in the middle of a project means you are not done yet, in the middle of the night means more sleeping needs to be done… or more partying if you are Vanimal. Being in the middle of a tornado is usually a bad place to be, you don’t want to get in the middle of a mama bear and her cub. Jan Brady didn’t handle being the middle child very well and middle management means that you are going to wake up, go to work and get hit from both sides until you put up those funny desk signs that are actually true statements disguised as humor so you can get away with it. Yep… 81 games is the equivalent of lunch time Wednesday during the work week. You are smack dab in the middle of it and you got to keep at it and try not to kill anyone accidentally… or… on purpose. Here are some things to think about: 1. Ames, Iowa – If you are going to road trip from Minneapolis to Kansas City, Ames Iowa is basically the midway point. Ames Iowa is also pretty close to the middle of nowhere. Unless, you feel that corn fields and hog farms are somewhere and if that’s the case… you are in the middle of somewhere. Ames is the home of Iowa State University… they call themselves the Cyclones because cyclones rotate around the middle of a deep low pressure system and in Ames, you experience deep emotional lows and the pressure to live somewhere else is intense. Ames is also almost exactly in the middle of Iowa and this causes people from Ames to give up trying to escape Iowa because it seems like a never-ending task no matter what direction you flee. 2. Our Twins – The Twins were 12-11 in April, 14-12 in May and they are currently 14-14 in June with one final game to go in June. If the Twins win tonight, it will be the third straight winning month of baseball. If the Twins lose tonight, our fans will start watching bowling instead. Only Ervin Santana can save us from buying Pete Weber T-Shirts. 3. The Royals – When it comes to June performance in the AL Central, the best team this month has been the Kansas City Royals with a 16-9 record. As a matter of fact, the Royals have the best record in the American League for the month of June. Something clicked because they had the worst record in the American League in April. My guess is that somebody reminded all those soon to be free agents on the roster that they were soon to be free agents and they may want to kick it up a notch. 4. Today’s Joe M Conversation: Mauer: Here comes Joe with the Food! Montana: Thank God… I’m starving! McCarthy: Hey, Joe… what did you bring this morning? Maddon: Real simple today guys… peanut butter on toast. Mauer: I love peanut butter on toast… did you bring any honey? Maddon: I did… here ya go. Mauer: Why does honey come in a bear bottle? Montana: It should come in a bee bottle. Maddon: Well… bears like honey… so… it works. McCarthy: Yeah, but the bees make the honey… what would bears be without bees? Mauer: Ears? 5. Driver’s License – When I took the picture for my driver’s license photo… they asked me to smile, and so I did. I got pulled over for speeding… the officer asked for my license… I wasn’t happy about it so I wasn’t smiling at the time and the officer thought it was a fake. Next time I take a photo for my license… I’m going to have Chief stand in for me and that should take care of the problem. Click here to view the article

Everyone hold your cards. We will check if this a good one. Next Game is Blackout. 55 numbers or less.

I forgot about Busenitz. We are the Filler B's.

Hey I just realized that we have Belisle, Breslow and Boshers in the Bullpen. We got our own killer B's.

Yeah FSN is spending a lot of time looking back at the Polanco Bunt Attempt. I'd rather they played those two strike calls against Vargas in a loop.

I just looked up Heath Hembree to figure out where he was from and it says "Pleistocene Epoch".

Baseball Commissioner: Hey Derek... This is a courtesy call letting you know that the vote passed and starting next season the strike zone will be automated. Derek: NOOOO!!! You can do that!!! Baseball Commissioner: I'm not sure why you are concerned about It. Every pitch will be called correctly from here on out. We have the technology... this will be good for baseball. Derek: Hey... I just spent 24 million on a pitch framer. You can't do this now. Wait a couple of years if you don't mind.

Not me Vargas can drive one at any moment.

Alright... I have officially changed my mind. Automate that strike zone.