Tom Pohlad Frantically Googling 'How to Buy at Trade Deadline'

In a normal season, a team bumping along just under the .500 mark at the All-Star break would not be considered a playoff contender. In fact, they'd be one bad week away from parting with pricy veterans before the August 3 trade deadline.

Alas, 2026 isn't normal, and the Minnesota Twins are learning this the hard way.

"When we said we expected this team to be competitive and that we'd give them the resources to do so, we sort of didn't think through what would happen if they actually were," said a front office source. "Even in the unlikely event they were around .500, we figured Detroit or Cleveland would be running away with the thing. They're pure diarrhea, as is the American League. Basically, we are screwed."

Multiple sources tell Twins Daily that the team is scrambling to adjust to the undeniable reality that they're playoff contenders on both the divisional and Wild Card fronts. The expectations that come with this situation are weighing heavily on team leadership.

"I saw Tom Pohlad Googling 'how to buy at trade deadline' on his laptop after we beat Cleveland on Wednesday night," said a person with knowledge of the team's decision-making process. "We're all high-fiving and cheers-ing each other, and he's there grimacing like he's trying to solve the Sunday crossword."

"It appears that every option for adding a player involves paying some or even all of their salary," said the front office source. "It's a real buzzkill. Seems like the league should offer some relief if the team is trying their best while the rest of the league is stepping on every rake in the yard."

On the other hand, a Pohlad family source confirmed they have no issues parting with prospects to add a player.

"A prospect is someone who just costs more money later on. Such a weird baseball phenomenon. Physical assets are supposed to depreciate, like every [REDACTED] office building in our [REDACTED] portfolio has."

The source was unable to confirm reports that the Twins are hoping to pay for any acquisitions with mixed-use retail and commercial real estate holdings instead of cash.

"Can't comment on that, but God that would be so cool. Please buy our buildings. Please."

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