Satan ‘Pleased’ with White Sox

Satan, the Dark Prince and Enemy of All That Is Good, couldn’t have been happy with the godless Chicago White Sox, his loyal subjects here on Earth. A brutal 10-game losing streak and a rash of injuries sent the most unlikable team in baseball plummeting to the bottom of the American League standings. Their restive, hellbound fanbase showered them with boos in between their frequent court dates.

But with a stunning comeback over the mighty Tampa Bay Rays on Sunday, followed by back-to-back wins against a righteous and kind-hearted Minnesota Twins squad, the master of Hell says things are looking up despite Thursday's extra-innings loss.

“I know people will say it’s just a 3-game winning streak,” said Satan. “But it beats the heaven out of a 10-game losing streak, I tell you what. Like I told Stalin and Kissinger, it’s not where you start, it’s where you finish. I’m pleased with how they’ve dealt with adversity.”

The vile, detestable South Siders have capitalized on their opponent’s mistakes in this rare stretch of competency, and their reprehensible fans, who will never know happiness or grace, have noticed.

“It’s nice to see evil triumph,” said Schaumburg arsonist Kenny Orland. “When you get done with a long day of burning down orphanages and emergency animal shelters, the last thing you want to do is watch bad baseball.”

“I know it’s too soon to say everything is fixed,” said Maria Zumwalt, a Gold Coast attorney who files nuisance lawsuits against nonprofits that feed and house the poor. “But this isn’t an elite division. You string enough wins together and you can be right back in it.”

Satan said the next stretch of games is critical.

“It’s not even Mother’s Day, so no one is in panic mode, not even the vile wretches who follow this team” said the King of the Netherworld, Destroyer of Souls. “But it gets late early when you play like we did in April. We have 17 more divisional games this month. The wicked and sinful guys in this room believe in each other, even if Tim Anderson continues to be decent and honorable. It’s disappointing, but the slovenly hogs in our fanbase seem to like him.”