MLB Storyline Creators Reject 2023 Twins Season As Too Unrealistic

Veteran Twins fans are used to patchwork rotations. They’re accustomed to competent, sometimes even brilliant, offenses. Sun rises in the east, sun sets in the west, early-to-middle of the order is pretty good, the third starter is Sidney Ponson for some reason.

This shopworn narrative is one reason why Nicholas Bachmann decided to shake things up in 2023. And now the people who hired him to create the 2023 Twins storyline are having second thoughts.

“The Twins have an excellent rotation, with the kind of depth that can withstand multiple injuries,” said Archibald “Arch” Cadwallader, MLB’s Director of Team Storylines. “And nobody can hit above .240. No one is going to buy this. It’s hogwash.”

MLB tasks Team Storylines to create every team’s narrative for the season. Ups, downs, most playoff games, and practically the entire season is gamed out to maximize entertainment value and encourage major market teams to dominate. Lenny Adams, who created Minnesota’s long-running narrative back in 2007, retired after the 2022 season to spend more time yelling at children in the local mall. Bachmann, who created the Minnesota Wild’s first round playoff faceplant storyline for the NHL, was hired away to work on the Twins.

“I love what Lenny was doing with the Twins, especially the crushing playoff ineptitude,” said Bachmann. “I wanted to put my own stamp on things, though. What if the Twins could actually pitch? What if they could beat the Yankees in low-stakes regular season games? Let’s find out.”

While Bachmann has assured his superiors that the pitching would likely falter if the team made the playoffs, and any postseason game against the Yankees would be a masterclass in suffering, the powers that be are unambiguous in their dissatisfaction with the first six weeks of the season.

“It’s rare to see anyone air their dirty laundry in public, but it needs to be said: Nick [expletive] up,” said Cadwallader. “The casual fan knows right away that something isn’t right, much less the psychos that follow this team on a regular basis.”

While the league acknowledges they can’t overturn the results so far, multiple sources indicate that Bachmann may be required to make the team play the entire month of July without bats or gloves while talk radio weirdos get mad at them for not being tougher.