Mahle Injured Before Local Stepdad Can Mispronounce Last Name

[RandBalls Stu]

New Twins starting pitcher exits game before new dad Kevin can try his best, reports middle schooler.

Connor Landry, 12, was excited about Minnesota’s flurry of trade deadline activity.

“They looked like they were really trying,” said the Eagan 7th-grader. “They got bullpen guys! They got Tyler Mahle! And now he’s already hurt.”

The latter incident means Connor’s stepdad, Kevin, still doesn’t have the baseline awareness of the updated roster to mispronounce Mahle’s last name.

“He tries really hard to relate to me about the Twins but it’s pretty bad,” said Connor. “He called Jorge Polanco ‘Georgy Pelicans’ when we went to Applebee’s and said Bill Ripke was his favorite pitcher growing up. He wasn’t even drinking.”

Kevin, who works at either a bank or a gym, married Connor’s mom last year and has been clearly trying to find ways to relate to his new stepson with mixed results.

“It was cool that he took us to the Mall of America and paid for all the rides,” said Connor. “But then he took me to a St. Paul Saints game and asked if they ever played against the Twins. Then he asked if they had a robust TikTok presence. Who does that?”

Connor speculates that Kevin, who won’t shut up about bitcoin, would have called the former Cincinnati Reds hurler “Kelvin muh-LAY.”

“Then he’d probably say he liked the move but that they should have traded Milo Pagen for Juan Solo.”

With his birthday approaching, Connor worries that he’s going to get tickets to Target Field.

“I’d love to go to a game again, but he said he wants to show me the whole North Loop experience and hit up Billy Sushi for mocktails,” said Connor. “I don’t even know what any of that means. I just want a phone.”

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[Brock Beauchamp]

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Connor speculates that Kevin, who won’t shut up about bitcoin

It never fails. There’s always one descriptor in a Stu article that kills me with its perfection.