Photographer Accuses Miguel Sano Of Assault

Atlantic article on Aziz Ansari.

Really good article. "You guys are all the f****** same" really is a statement to ponder.

 

I don't have a ton of compassion for someone who keeps feeling burned doing the same thing over and over again, but the other thing that struck me in this article is that we may really, finally, be seeing a shift from the woman having to do the vast majority putting the brakes on, to now men will have to. A good, positive societal shift.

Absolutely, we need to change the idea that you "keep pushing" as Ansari did.  That's been pretty engrained for awhile in our interactions.  Men need to be less pushy and put the brakes on more often.  Men and women do what Aziz did, but the difference is men are more comfortable stopping unwanted advances by women of this sort, but not the reverse.

I think it's also deeply, deeply unfair for this to be characterized as an "assault" as it is being done in all the headlines.  Aziz is guilty of being boorish or a pig, but he did not assault this person.  I think it's important for the survival of the MeToo movement to draw a sharp distinction here or it may be a death nail.

The chatter online about this is really going strong.  I think this was a provocative take.

A similar one from Vox.

We've reached the inevitable gray areas of the subject. Given how difficult interactions can be among humans, it's impossible for there not to be any.

 

None of the nuance, though, changes the essential message of the #metoo movement: make the default be to believe that the accuser has a story to tell. Notice that Ansari immediately confirmed the essence of the accusation. Actual false allegations appear to be very rare at this time; hopefully, that does not change.

 

It's clear that many men need to change their behavior. I don't think it's off the table, such as in the responses like Caitlin Flanagan's and Ashleigh Banfield's, to ask whether women should consider some corresponding tweaks to their social conventions too. But again, introducing nuance into the discussion doesn't change the underlying determination to make widespread hurting stop.

I'm glad it only took two pages for some acknowledgement that...gee, interactions aren't "simple".  That inevitably grey areas will arise that threaten the momentum of the movement if handled poorly.  If only someone had been trying to point that out.....Alas.

In any case...of course nuance doesn't change the point....but it might change our tactics a bit.  That's the thing you and others appear to continue to miss.  There is some need for defintions and what-not, but largely people agree on the "what".  It's the "how" that matters.  "How" is what changes zeal into results and we need results from this movement.  And that is where it is vital to be clear and nuanced before you get people abandoning the movement before it accomplishes anything other than a few tarnished careers.

I'm not sure what happened to Aziz Ansari Sunday night in many circles is the best way to have this conversation.  He shouldn't be plastered all over every news site as having been accused of sexual assault.  His actions are a reflection of a paradigm in need of changing, but (quite frankly) so are her actions.  (Or lack thereof)  We need to change the idea that men need to push and women are playing hard to get.  We need women to be able to speak up and speak out and for men to hear that and respect it.  But all parts of that are vital. 

That conversation is a tough, sensitive one that will buck long established cultural norms.  Humiliating a couple men over it as a tactic to achieve that doesn't help.  And the fissures that will be created (enflamed is probably a better description) in the wake of moments like this will be far more likely to kill this movement than anything else.