Rejected Twins Promotions Schedule Ideas

The Twins are known to have some of the best promotions in the league annually. From the Joe Mauer sideburns giveaway to T-Pain’s post-game concert last season, the club knows what they’re doing when it comes to getting creative with their ideas.

But for one reason or another, some concepts fell by the wayside. These are their stories. 

Gleeman and the Geek Sexy Pin-up Calendar giveaway 
Come celebrate the Home Opener by closing this thing as fast as possible. This exciting and somewhat concerning item is sponsored by BetterHelp, who assured us that licensed therapists will be available to help process the trauma fans will experience when they see the visual atrocities depicted in this calendar. 

Nasty Cat Blanket giveaway sponsored by the office of Mayor Jacob Frey
For all the non-losers who decided to come downtown to watch a ballgame in person instead of watching it remotely, this giveaway is sure to put Minneapolis’ lovable leader in everyone’s good graces. 

Streaming Night sponsored by Bally Sports (only 25% of fans attending get to watch the game)    
It’s the outcome that everyone was begging for. Why should everyone enjoy America’s pastime when ownership could be making up to 80% of the very modest TV revenue they received last year? The lucky few that get to actually watch the game will enjoy an exciting young ballclub, and the remaining fans will only be able to see the field if they have a VPN. 

BOGO Murder Lemonade sponsored by Panera Bread
Bring the Thelma to your Louise to Target Field, and the two of you can hold hands and drive off that cliff into Flavortown, baby. 

Dollar Frog Night (minimum two per customer)
Are you the kind of person not really interested in being responsible for caring for a living animal when you come to a Twins game? Too bad! Everyone in attendance must purchase two frogs for a dollar each. Leftover frogs will be processed into Dollar Hot Dogs for the following game. 

Butterfinger Candy Bar giveaway
This one goes out to everyone who can’t catch a foul ball in the air. Sponsored by Mr. Butterfingers himself, Dan Hayes of The Athletic. 

Pohlad Family Wallet Retirement ceremony
We all love the retired jersey numbers hanging in left field as a way to honor such legends as Harmon Killebrew, Rod Carew, and Joe Mauer. Now we get to honor the small piece of black leather that made all this possible, as it apparently went into retirement this offseason. Watch as a lone white moth flutters out of the empty billfold as it’s lifted into the rafters.

Forgotten Twins Jersey Giveaway
Upon entry, every fan will get the jersey of a former Twin that you vaguely remember being on the rosters of yesteryear. Whether that’s Mike Lamb, Clete Thomas, Esmerling Vásquez, PJ Walters, or any other easily forgotten former Twins, come take a walk down no-memory lane. Remember Corky Miller? Of course, you don’t! But come get his jersey anyway. Jerseys will be provided from the personal collection of Twins Daily’s own Gregg Masterson. 

Postgame concert featuring your neighbor whose name you’ve forgotten, and now too much time has passed, and it would be weird to ask him his name again. 
Is it Jeff? Johnny maybe? Josh? You cannot remember this guy’s name for your life, but he’ll be playing a post-game concert on the field. JORDAN. It’s gotta be Jordan. 

Better yet, how about you introduce someone to him, and he’ll tell them his name. NOW we’re getting somewhere. 

Is it Jason? Cripes.