Is Your Child a Twins Fan? Look For These Warning Signs

It starts innocently enough. Maybe they see a game on TV while flipping past Nickelodeon. Maybe Grandpa brings over an old Kirby Puckett baseball card. Maybe they wander too close to Target Field and breathe in the alluring scent of hot dogs and disappointment.

However it happens, you need to be vigilant. Minnesota Twins fandom is a lifelong condition—one with few cures and no known vaccines. Worried your child might be developing symptoms? Here are the key warning signs to watch for:

1. Obsession with ‘Prospects’ Instead of Pokémon
Normal kids want Pikachu or Charizard. Your kid wants Emmanuel Rodriguez and Walker Jenkins. Bonus (danger) points if they utter the phrase, “He’s got a plus hit tool with advanced approach for his age” during dinner. Major risk if they compare Santa’s top gifts for the year to MLB Pipeline’s Top 100. (This latter symptom may also indicate they have contracted the coinciding disease known as bloggerism. Treating this aggressively is especially important.)

2. A Disturbing Fondness for Joe Mauer’s Sideburns
You find sketches of sideburns in their notebooks. They ask for a mannequin head to practice “2006 Mauer trim.” They cry when reminded Joe’s number 7 is retired, because they wanted to wear it in Little League. Seek professional counseling immediately, and keep their hair above the midpoint of the ear.

3. They’ve Learned to Lower Expectations... In Everything
If your seven-year-old shrugs and says, “We’re probably not winning this year, but it’s okay. It’s about player development” after you tell them Chuck E. Cheese is closed. If they react to birthday presents with, “That’s fine. We’ll see how it plays out long-term.” It’s too late, Twins fandom has taken hold. 

4. Frequent Use of the Word ‘Pohlad’ Like It’s a Swear Word
“This cereal tastes like Pohlad!” “Do we have to do homework? What a Pohlad move.” If “Pohlad” has replaced traditional curse words in your home, congratulations: your child is now fluent in Minnesota sports despair.

5. Fear of October
Other kids love Halloween, and the month that races up it full of festivity. Yours fears October, because they’ve learned it brings playoff sweeps, 18-game losing streak reminders, and unbearable Yankees highlight reels. Exposure therapy is best here. Don't allow them to skip the month. 

6. They’ve Memorized Cory Provus Catchphrases
You catch them narrating backyard wiffle ball games in their best Provus impression: “Back it goes, deep it goes, and gone!” They hum the Twins Radio theme while brushing their teeth. Worse yet, they pause everyday conversations to say, “Treasure Island Baseball Network, your home for Twins baseball.” Extreme danger if they describe dinner as “brought to you by your Midwest Chevy Dealers.” 

7. Refusal to Believe in Good Bullpens
If they insist no human being can get three outs in the ninth without severe emotional distress... This is classic Twins fan conditioning. Have them watch old games in which Joe Nathan came on to secure saves. Just make sure they're regular-season games.

8. They Already Hate the Yankees, Guardians, and White Sox for No Reason
No one taught them this. It’s genetic. Like eye color or lactose intolerance. They simply know.

What Can You Do?
Unfortunately, there’s no cure. Twins fandom, once caught, is for life—like chicken pox, but with fewer championships. You can make their experience better by providing a steady diet of hope (”Walker Jenkins will save us!”), minor-league box scores, and replays of the 1987 and 1991 World Series on DVD. Above all, remind them of this universal truth:

Being a Twins fan builds character. Lots and lots of character. Also pain. Mostly pain. But hey, maybe this is the year? (Just kidding. It’s never the year.)