Authorities, Religious Leaders Ask for Perspective When Panicking About Jose Berrios

“I’m going to use the same voice and same words I use at elementary school programs,” said Hennepin County Emergency Management spokesperson Carolyn Marinan. “Only call 911 in case of emergency. If you lose your math homework, that’s not an emergency. If the water fountain is broken, that’s not an emergency. If Jose Berrios is throwing meat, that’s not an emergency.”

Some Twins fans dispute this.

“My taxes pay for 911,” said Tom Hanson, an unemployed Anoka electrician and frequent caller to AM radio stations. “I believe in small government, but If the Twins aren’t going to do something, then maybe first responders should.”

Meanwhile, local religious leaders want parishioners and citizens of faith to know that, while their prayers for Berrios’ arm are thoughtful, it’s not the Almighty’s fault if he continues to pitch poorly.

“Whatever your conception of God is, this divine figure is not to credit or blame for a random sports event,” said Stina Kielsmeier-Cook, Digital Communications Specialist for the Collegeville Institute. “Christian, Muslim, Jewish, what have you—all faiths are pretty consistent on this.”

Hanson has a different view.

“My third wife was really into this televangelist who said God listens to the prayers of the flock, but the flock needs to support the church, and she sent him a boatload of money,” said the 61-year-old, who’s been blocked by over 1000 verified Twitter accounts. “Turns out he cheated on his wife with her pilates instructor and they fled to New Zealand when he lost all the tithe money on a faith-based cryptocurrency, but she was convinced.

“The way I see it, God owes us after the Mauer contract.”

Berrios next turn in the rotation is Tuesday versus the National League Wild Card-leading Washington Nationals.