Rejected Pitches For Twins TV Features

[Lou Hennessy]

A document was leaked to Twins Daily outlining the ideas that failed to make the cut for the upcoming Twins TV experience. The club refused to comment on the legitimacy of the list, and insisted that any information pertaining to the new avenue of watching Twins baseball (such as how fans will actually be able to tune into games) is highly classified. 

“Fire Manager” Button - With this feature, angry fans would have had the opportunity to hit a button calling for the immediate dismissal of manager Rocco Baldelli. Of course, this action would have led pessimistic, old-head buffoons to a dead end, which essentially happens whenever they Tweet out their opinions, anyway. 

Joe Ryan Live Cam - This mode would have allowed for a picture-in-picture with a live camera feed of the Twins’ starter throughout the entirety of each game, even the ones he wasn’t starting. “You know how some zoos will have a baby eagle live cam for kindergarten classes and depressed loners to watch at any point of the day?” said an unnamed Twins official. “It would have been like that, but instead of seeing a little birdie opening its eyes for the first time, you see little Joey dousing himself with baby powder on the bench.”

Betting Lines Sponsored By 1-800-GAMBLER - The Twins are still trying to determine to what extent they display betting odds for their broadcasts, but it certainly won’t be sponsored by the National Problem Gambling Helpline, as suggested in this leak. Are you or a loved one struggling with a gambling addiction? Call 1-800-GAMBLER to get the assistance you can bet on. 

Countdown to Pitcher and Catcher Report Day for Spring Training - For the doomers in the audience, this running countdown would show how much time until pitchers and catchers report to spring training for next season, since this season is clearly over before it started. 

Blogger Backup - This feature would have had a random Twins Daily writer (likely named Cody) pop up for live reactions and an argument for how that last Royce Lewis strikeout was actually a good thing. Spreadsheets would be faxed to all households with data to back up their terrible argument. 

Bert Blyleven Audio Commentary - This idea was squarely rejected right off the bat, with a Twins spokesperson releasing the following statement on its snubbing:
“Just, no. Trust us, you don’t want to hear the noises coming from that man’s body anymore.”

Bonnes Vision - This feature would have allowed viewers to view the game through the eyes of Twins Daily’s own John Bonnes, with all the beauty and elegance that he experiences whilst visiting Target Field. The only catch is that the quality of that vision deteriorates throughout the course of the game as he downs more and more brews. “We promised no more blackouts, but let’s just say that the Bonnes Vision would have had the potential to get pretty damn close, depending on the score of the game, how busy the Grey Duck Deck was, or if John was doing a 9x9x9 challenge on a particular night.”

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[Fire Dan Gladden]

I 100% expect to see the betting lines ticker at the bottom of the screen within the next few years.

The "Fire Manager" button would cause too many remotes/keyboards to break causing widespread shortages at Best Buy.