Griffin Jax Contemplating Stint On IL After Coming Down With Bad Case Of “Cookie Gut”

[Lou Hennessy]

After visiting the Minnesota State Fair last week, the Twins’ relief ace is feeling anything but sweet. 

Image courtesy of © Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

For a team riddled with injuries and ailments to multiple star players, the last thing the Twins needed was a tummy ache. But Griffin Jax finds himself dragging due to what he is describing as “severe cookie gut” after ingesting far too many treats from Sweet Martha’s Cookie Jar at the Minnesota State Fair.

“I’m ready to admit I have a problem,” said an ashamed and visibly uncomfortable Jax. “I thought I could stop, but the bucket keeps calling to me--like the Green Goblin mask in Spider-Man.”

The good news is that Jax’s diagnosis does not appear to be terminal. However, the team is concerned with the sheer mass of cookies that Jax went through in the days following his visit. Members of the media witnessed at least a dozen cookie buckets pouring out of his locker in the Twins’ clubhouse after the club’s 2-0 win over the Toronto Blue Jays on Friday night.

“It’s a good thing Griff only needed three pitches to get out of the inning, because I think he would’ve hurled if he had to stay out there,” said Twins’ manager Rocco Baldelli. “And I think I would’ve had to roll him out there like post-gum Violet Beauregarde if we needed him in the ninth.”

The remedy for cookie gut can be complicated. Many claim that a glass of ice-cold milk can help break down some of the bloating, but others have experienced the exact opposite. For Jax, he’s expecting things to get worse before they get better. 

“I think the only way out is through, unfortunately,” said Jax, as he packed another stack of chocolatey goodness into his yap. “Am I supposed to just throw these away? I can’t do that to Martha, after all she’s done for me.”

Baldelli and the coaching staff are hoping that Jax can return to form after he digests the last batch, as he has proven to be one of the premier relief arms in the game with a sterling 1.96 ERA across 59 ⅔ innings pitched.

“We need him to stop eating so that he can get back to being the big dog in that bullpen,” said the mystified manager, as he checked the cookie buckets for scraps. “Or, the least he could do is share with the rest of us.”

Jax was seen stretching his abdominal area, as well as both sides of his jaw before their game on Saturday night. It remains unclear if he’ll need a stint on the injured list to help him get over his backup. To be sure, that ERA is a touch more bloated, after he walked two and plunked one in a messy inning Sunday. Reportedly, team personnel had to talk him out of a change from his customary "X Gon' Give It to Ya" entrance to a rousing rendition of "C is for Cookie". Jax might still have had a (chocolate) chip on his shoulder.

It would be a tough break for the young righty and the team if Jax has to miss any stretch of time. For a bullpen that has been leaking oil over the last few months, having to be without their best option might be too big of a bite for the Twins to swallow. But sometimes that’s just how the cookie crumbles.

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[Eric Blonigen]

“Post-gum Violet Beauregarde…classic!

[BH67]

C is for cookie? That's good enough for me!