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Summer of Massacres, Tornadoes of Sharks (Twins at Yankees -- Games 89-91)


Axel Kohagen

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The Twins Were Sharknados First (Twins 0 Yankees 2 - Game 89)

 

A SyFy televion movie called Sharknado took over the world of Twitter, and I’ll bet most Twins fans didn’t put up too much of a struggle.

 

Sharknado is a movie whose title tells you exactly what you’re going to see on your TV. The Internet Movie Database estimates it cost about a million to make. I’ll bet no one over the age of eight expected any quality from it, and yet it stole the world’s heart for a moment in time.

 

The Twins are supposed to be Sharknados. They’re supposed to clap together the right pieces at the right time for the right price to steal the country’s attention. Exploiting opportunities and taking chances are two patron saints for both trashy movies and small-ball baseball teams.

 

People watch Sharknado-type movies hoping they’ll be so bad they’re good. Right now, the Twins are just plain bad. Unlike drive-in classics, straight-to-video masterpieces, and basic cable must-watch TV, the Twins don’t seem to have any tricks up their sleeves.

 

Around Twins territory, channels are changing.

 

Three Deep in the Waste Lands (Twins 4 Yankees 1 - Game 90)

 

I monitored this game from the time-warped world of social media and smart phones. Information isn’t updated simultaneously in this world, so sometimes my phone said the Twins were down when Twitter had something different to say. Who knows how the radio and TV feeds fit into this temporal rift.

 

This game involved three home runs, including one from one Mr. Ryan Doumit, and a Twins victory in the Big Apple. And yet, I feel little joy. It’s like someone put together all the ingredients for a nice cheesecake and I found myself in the mood for dry crackers. Or sour grapes.

 

It feels pretty good to write that, even if I know it’s partially a lie. The Yankees got spank-eed by the Twins in NYC. I want to stay bitter enough to be cool and detached, but I can’t help but smile a little bit.

 

A Pleasant Sunday Thumpin’ (Twins 10 Yankees 4 – Game 91)

 

On a pleasant Sunday, right before the All-Star break, the Minnesota Twins put a double-digit thumping on the New York Yankees. Sounds like pitching missteps and horror-show fielding played a part in the Yankees demise, but all I need to know is that the Twins won a series in New York City.

 

For the Twins, the midseason cliffhanger isn’t “Will they or won’t they?” It’s closer to being like the tagline for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – “Who will survive and what will be left of them?” Players will be cut from the team. Players will be shipped to other teams. Players will get injured.

 

What it all means is this: there is less of the 2013 season to play than has already been played. Baseball is going away again. Like any good scary movie, it’ll end with the promise of a new chapter. I just hope there’s enough left of the team to cast next year’s heroes.

 

As I finish typing this, I hear that Parmelee, Arcia, and Escobar are going to Rochester. More ballplayers down in the dust and the heat of summer.

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The Twins Were Sharknados First (Twins 0 Yankees 2 - Game 89)

 

A SyFy televion movie called Sharknado took over the world of Twitter, and I’ll bet most Twins fans didn’t put up too much of a struggle.

 

Sharknado is a movie whose title tells you exactly what you’re going to see on your TV. The Internet Movie Database estimates it cost about a million to make. I’ll bet no one over the age of eight expected any quality from it, and yet it stole the world’s heart for a moment in time.

 

The Twins are supposed to be Sharknados. They’re supposed to clap together the right pieces at the right time for the right price to steal the country’s attention. Exploiting opportunities and taking chances are two patron saints for both trashy movies and small-ball baseball teams.

 

People watch Sharknado-type movies hoping they’ll be so bad they’re good. Right now, the Twins are just plain bad. Unlike drive-in classics, straight-to-video masterpieces, and basic cable must-watch TV, the Twins don’t seem to have any tricks up their sleeves.

 

Around Twins territory, channels are changing.

 

Three Deep in the Waste Lands (Twins 4 Yankees 1 - Game 90)

 

I monitored this game from the time-warped world of social media and smart phones. Information isn’t updated simultaneously in this world, so sometimes my phone said the Twins were down when Twitter had something different to say. Who knows how the radio and TV feeds fit into this temporal rift.

 

This game involved three home runs, including one from one Mr. Ryan Doumit, and a Twins victory in the Big Apple. And yet, I feel little joy. It’s like someone put together all the ingredients for a nice cheesecake and I found myself in the mood for dry crackers. Or sour grapes.

 

It feels pretty good to write that, even if I know it’s partially a lie. The Yankees got spank-eed by the Twins in NYC. I want to stay bitter enough to be cool and detached, but I can’t help but smile a little bit.

 

A Pleasant Sunday Thumpin’ (Twins 10 Yankees 4 – Game 91)

 

On a pleasant Sunday, right before the All-Star break, the Minnesota Twins put a double-digit thumping on the New York Yankees. Sounds like pitching missteps and horror-show fielding played a part in the Yankees demise, but all I need to know is that the Twins won a series in New York City.

 

For the Twins, the midseason cliffhanger isn’t “Will they or won’t they?” It’s closer to being like the tagline for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – “Who will survive and what will be left of them?” Players will be cut from the team. Players will be shipped to other teams. Players will get injured.

 

What it all means is this: there is less of the 2013 season to play than has already been played. Baseball is going away again. Like any good scary movie, it’ll end with the promise of a new chapter. I just hope there’s enough left of the team to cast next year’s heroes.

 

As I finish typing this, I hear that Parmelee, Arcia, and Escobar are going to Rochester. More ballplayers down in the dust and the heat of summer.

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