The Metrodome: Friday's Game 'Would Have Been Played. Period.'

RandBall’s Stu: This freak April blizzard caused the Twins to postpone Friday evening’s game well over 24 hours before the scheduled first pitch.

Metrodome: Huh. Is that right?

RS: You sound like you’re being sarcastic.

MD: You know what would have happened if the game was in the Metrodome?

RS: I mean, I sup—

MD: The game would have been played. Period.

RS: How can you say that, though?

MD: I’m saying it. I’ll say it again for you right now: The game would have been played.

RS: But your roof was notorious for collapsing and tearing during particularly nasty storms like this one.

MD: *deep sigh* Listen. A few incidents over 30 years of service does not make it notorious. You’re using isolated incidents to paint a picture that simply isn’t accurate.

RS: But you have to admit, this is the kind of storm that would have made you cross your fingers.

MD: I’m a stadium. I don’t have fingers.

RS: It’s a metaphor.

MD: Good for your English degree, cha-cha. Tell you what: Even if the roof collapsed or there was a tear in the fabric, you know what we would have done? We would have gotten the sewing machines and the air compressors out and gone to work. If you want to sit here with your metaphors and your internet weblog and sit in judgment of hard-working Minnesotans and a stadium that came in under budget for the taxpayers, feel free, but you’re wasting my time and yours.

RS: I apologize if you feel that way, but—

MD: That’s not an apology, but go on.

RS: Changing topics, then. What is retirement like for The Metrodome?

MD: It’s been great. I hang with some of the other retired multi-purpose stadiums. Three Rivers Stadium, Veterans Stadium, and Riverfront Stadium, we all meet for coffee every morning. Veterans Stadium has the best stories.

RS: That’s the old Philadelphia ballpark, right?

MD: Right. You know all those awful stories about Philly fans? They’re the tip of the iceberg. The depravity is remarkable. And that’s just the players! Tug McGraw, Lenny Dykstra…my God. My God.

RS: Go on.

MD: Are you kidding? And get sued? Anyway, you’re going to want to wait until…what’s Oakland’s stadium called this year?

RS: It’s back to Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum.

MD: Wow. Everything old is new again. Like I was saying though, she’s been writing everything down. Raiders fans, Charlie Finley, raw sewage. Everything.

RS: That sounds incredible.

MD: There’s a story about Vida Blue and Lyle Alzado trying to buy a speedboat with cigarette coupons that’ll make your hair stand up straight for a week.

RS: I know your time is limited, so I just wanted to ask you: You know how the revolving doors were like a vacuum and a wind tunnel at the same time?

MD: Oh friend, do I ever. Saw a kid get a soiled Dome Dog wrapper blown right into the face once. Best night of my life except for Game 6.

RS: Do you think you could ever show other stadiums how to do that? That was so cool.

MD: Took that one with me when Minneapolis built that shark fin on top of me. Gotta bounce. Peace.