Which Former Twin Is Destined to Win the World Series? Fans Brace for Next Chapter of the Minnesota Curse

Delusional Minnesota sports fans worry about their own teams winning championships. Now they're worried about everyone else's.

The panic began in February, when former Vikings quarterback Sam Darnold signed a massive contract with Seattle and promptly led the Seahawks to a 29-13 Super Bowl victory over New England. Four months later, Karl-Anthony Towns helped deliver the Knicks their first NBA championship since 1973, defeating San Antonio in five games and cementing himself as the latest former Minnesota star to discover the magical secret ingredient known as "not playing in Minnesota."

Naturally, Twins fans immediately shifted their attention to the only question that matters: Which former Twin is going to win the World Series this year? The possibilities are horrifying.

The Toronto Blue Jays Have Become Public Enemy No. 1
Many Twins fans have turned their attention north of the border. The Blue Jays already acquired Louis Varland at last year’s trade deadline and picked up Simeon Woods Richardson in recent weeks. That combination has many Minnesota fans convinced that Toronto is quietly assembling the baseball equivalent of the 1992 Dream Team.

"Varland is basically the best reliever in baseball now," said lifelong Twins fan Randy from Woodbury. "He'll have a 0.41 ERA, throw 104 mph, develop three new pitches, and finish second in Cy Young voting despite pitching only 62 innings."

Another fan was even less optimistic.

"The Twins spent years trying to figure out what Simeon Woods Richardson was," said Melissa from St. Cloud. "Toronto is going to unlock something in a bullpen session, and he'll suddenly become 1968 Bob Gibson during October. The fact they got him for cash considerations means he'll probably throw four complete-game shutouts in the playoffs."

Many fans point to the long-standing Minnesota Sports Law, which states that any player traded away for a minimal return immediately gains Hall of Fame abilities upon crossing state lines. Scientists have been unable to disprove this theory.

The Nightmare Philadelphia Scenario
Of course, there is another possibility. Imagine a winner-take-all Game 7 of the World Series. The Phillies lead by one run. The bullpen door opens. Out jogs Jhoan Duran.

The television broadcast immediately cuts to a montage of every 104-mph fastball he threw in a Twins uniform while Minnesota fans collectively stare into the void. Three outs later, Duran strikes out the side and dog-piles with Philadelphia teammates while national broadcasters discuss how the Phillies acquired "the final piece of a championship roster."

According to several Twins fans, this scenario has already played out in their nightmares approximately 17 times.

"My therapist says I need to stop imagining Duran closing out the World Series," said one fan who resembled Joe Pohlad wearing a cheap fake mustache. "Unfortunately, my therapist is also a Twins fan, so our sessions usually end with both of us crying."

At Least Carlos Correa Can't Hurt Us This Year
There is one small silver lining. Carlos Correa is out for the season. As a result, Twins fans can rest easy knowing that Correa will not be leading another organization to a championship in 2026 (while the Twins still pay him $10 million).

Unfortunately, that peace only lasts until 2027. Everyone already knows how this story goes. Correa will return healthy. The Astros will magically develop three rookie stars nobody has heard of. Then they'll win another World Series while Minnesota fans spend the winter debating whether a 79-win season represents progress. The script practically writes itself.

Searching for the Next "Victim"
Some fans have expanded their search beyond the obvious names. They're monitoring former Twins throughout baseball. They're checking playoff odds. They're studying championship probabilities. They're preparing emotionally.

Because if Darnold can win a Super Bowl and Towns can win an NBA title after leaving Minnesota, then surely baseball has its own cruel punchline waiting around the corner. Maybe it's Varland. Maybe it's Woods Richardson. Maybe it's Duran. Maybe it's someone nobody is paying attention to yet.

Whatever happens, Minnesota sports fans are preparing for the possibility that the next championship parade involving a former Twin is already being planned somewhere else. And when that moment arrives, it won't be viewed as a coincidence.

It will simply become the latest piece of evidence in the ever-growing case file known as the Minnesota Curse. At this point, the only mystery remaining is who gets fitted for the championship ring first.