War Between Ownership Detractors and Exhausted Twins Optimists Enters Third Week

MINNEAPOLIS—As the club welcomed the Athletics to Target Field on Tuesday night, an ongoing battle between two factions of Twins fans continued to ring out in the streets of downtown. On one side: a group of Twins fans that are fed up with the state of the team, especially in light of the owners recent decision to pull the organization off the market. Opposing them are fans who have grown tired of the constant bellyaching and childish tantrums being thrown.. 

“What, I’m just supposed to be happy with how things have shaken out and pretend like nothing happened?” questioned Bryan Douglas of Burnsville. “That’s it! I’m done spending my hard-earned money that I got from my Hardee’s settlement on a team owned by such cheapskates.”

Douglas’s frustration is understandable, given the Twins’ disappointing season—which comes on the heels of an epic collapse in 2024, and dwindling payroll support from ownership. And while most can acknowledge that fact, there is still a large portion of the fanbase that has simply grown tired of constant complaints.

“Look, I get it. I would also like to see my favorite team get more support from ownership,” said Carl Miller of Robbinsdale, before rolling a smoke bomb down the stairs by Target Field Station. “And guess what, I understand why a baby cries on an airplane. It doesn’t mean I can’t find it annoying as hell.”

The battle between the two sides came to blows a few weeks ago when a group of radical Twins’ apologists captured one of the protesters calling for a coup of the team, and hung him from the flag pole in right field by his underwear. It took three days to get the imprisoned man down, as all of the Pohlad detractors had already vowed to not enter the stadium until the team was sold, leaving him isolated behind enemy lines. 

“If I could talk to Joe Pohlad right now, I’d tell him the exact same thing I told Hardee’s,” Douglas said while painting a fake mustache on the statue of Eloise Pohlad. “If you don’t want to hear me whine about your overpriced, lukewarm food, you shouldn’t have put a liquor store right next to the building.”

It’s unclear how that applies to the current conflict, especially given the fact that there isn’t a registered liquor store within a half-mile of Target Field. Nevertheless, Douglas’s passion for fighting for his beliefs would be commendable if he weren’t so downright unpleasant on a constant basis. 

“Oh no, poor little baby is sad because the team he watches once in a blue moon doesn’t sign enough free agents,” Miller said mockingly in a baby voice, while paying $27 for one (1) hot dog and one (1) small Pepsi. “Just be an adult and accept mediocrity for your entire life like the rest of us.”

It’s unclear what will end this brutal battle between these two factions of Twins fans, but the club is planning to take advantage of the conflict with a new ticket promotion. Fans from either side can purchase a package for $84 that includes a ticket to the game (standing room only, of course), a hat that displays their chosen side (but the anti-ownership hats will mysteriously go missing on the day of the game) and a BOGO Biscuit and Gravy bucket at the nearest Hardee’s.