Twins Bullpen Solution Said to Involve Nap Under Big Pile of Coats

Perhaps the biggest question mark for the Twins this offseason has been what they would do to restock their bullpen, which was decimated at last year’s trade deadline. With the exception of welcoming back Taylor Rogers, the Twins have left the cupboard bare, and there are simply no solutions left on the free agent market.

Do they plan to convert starters to relievers? Make a trade with one of their many left-handed corner outfielders or Ryan Jeffers? Rely on unproven minor leaguers?

Sources say the current thinking rejects all the above paths and focuses on an unproven method: Napping.

“Let’s face it, it’s going to be tough sledding,” said a source familiar with the front office’s thinking. “We didn’t really sign anyone, there’s no money for anything, and [Derek] Falvey just split two weeks before spring training. The best thing, going forward, is to go into the next room, take a snooze under a big pile of coats and blankets, and hope it all works out in the end.”

This approach, while unorthodox, has gained steam within the organization since Falvey’s surprise departure last week.

“You know how, during natural disasters, neighbors just sort of figure things out because no one is coming to save them,” said another source. “I think the Minnesota Twins are in the same boat. If leadership isn’t around to offer guidance, the coaches and pitchers will piece it all together. We’ll wake up, and bingo bango, our problems are solved.”

Outside the organization, this plan is being met with skepticism.

“That’s literally part of the plot in the Simpsons episode where Homer goes to college,” said Jayson Stark, senior baseball writer for The Athletic. “It’s a great episode, mind you, written by Conan O’Brien. But it doesn’t seem applicable to building a major-league bullpen. Are you sure this is real?”

Although neither Tom Pohlad nor newly elevated baseball chief Jeremy Zoll would go on the record, multiple sources with knowledge of the plan, nicknamed Operation Sleepy Little Guys, confirm its existence to Twins Daily.

“Here’s the deal: when we wake up, there’s gonna be a bullpen,” said the first source. “Someone literally has to do it if we’re not there. That’s the beauty of Operation Sleepy Little Guys. Sleep smarter, not harder. Although, let me tell you, we’re going to be out like a light.”

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