The Twins' New Year's Resolutions

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It's been a while since our last post (blahblahblah job, blahblahblah earning salary, blahblahblah spending holiday time with friends and loved ones). But we're back with a very special post as we consider the 2014 resolutions of your Minnesota Twins.

Joe Mauer

Baseball Resolution: Hit like a boss now that defense doesn't crush my legs.

Life Resolution: Be hospitable while hosting my fellow all-stars this summer, maybe even say multi-syllabic words to them!

Brian Dozer

Baseball Resolution: Prove that the hitting outburst last year was no fluke.

Life Resolution: Find out how Joe got that Head and Shoulder's commercial and send them my audition tape.

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Trevor Plouffe

Baseball Resolution: Throw the ball to the big tall guy at first base as often as possible.

Life Resolution: Repeat life affirming mantra ("I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me") whenever fans make frowny faces at me.

Josh Willingham

Baseball Resolution: Get healthy. Get 30+ homers again. Get the hell out of here.

Life Resolution: See above.

Oswaldo Arcia

Baseball Resolution: Hit many more of those mammoth home runs.

Life Resolution: Build a time machine so I can see those mammoth run home.

Jason Kubel

Baseball Resolution: Rebuild career amongst my people.

Life Resolution: Attempt to smirk with the other side of my mouth.

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Josmil Pinto

Baseball Resolution: Improve defensively by listening closely to my veteran catcher teammate, veteran catcher coach and veteran pitchers.

Life Resolution: Improve my teammates by teaching them the harmonies to the entire Mumford & Sons catalogue through repetition of my walk up music.

Ricky Nolasco

Baseball Resolution: BE AWESOME!!!!!!!

Life Resolution: !!!!!!!!

Caleb Thielbar

Baseball Resolution: Keep being a badass left-hander.

Life Resolution: Keep percentages in my favor by brainwashing every hitter to be left-handed.

Phil Hughes

Baseball Resolution: Use new stadium to keep home run rates down, try to boost strike out rate.

Life Resolution: Every time I think about mean Yankee fans, just remember I've gone somewhere so far away that they'll forget I've ever existed...until we play a game in the Bronx...then drink heavily.

Jared Burton

Baseball Resolution: Continue to solidify the back of the bullpen.

Life Resolution: Popularize neck beards again.

Kevin Correia

Baseball Resolution: Keep doing what I'm doing, even if I've been demoted from staff ace to staff #3...again...

Life Resolution: Keep my arm attached to my shoulder.

Glen Perkins

Baseball Resolution: Get another All-Star Game spot by racking up the saves...assuming we have games that need saving.

Life Resolution: Keep speaking truth to power (hitters). And by speaking truth I mean talk trash and throw sliders.

Ron Gardenhire

Baseball Resolution: Rebuild the team so it's in good shape for the next guy.

Life Resolution: Use word-a-day calendar to improve nicknames for the boys. Instead of "Plouffe-y" maybe, Penultimate Plouffe-Dog?