Twins To Host Open Tryouts For Dogs After Second "Bark In The Park" Night

A pack of candidates to secure a last-minute bench spot on a contending team are polishing their collars and stretching their tails. A source with the Twins has confirmed that the club will hold an open tryout for any dog attending their newly-announced return of the fabled “Bark at the Park” night on Sept. 24.

The team is said to have one final bench spot reserved for any pooch that can beat utility player Austin Martin in a foot race around the base paths. The challenger must also fit into Martin’s uniform specifications, as the team is unwilling to purchase a new jersey. 

“Yeah, I can’t say I love it,” a frustrated Martin said as he geared up for an extra round of conditioning, his fourth of the day since learning of the planned spectacle. “I feel like I’ve done a good job, yet here comes Air Bud to swoop in and try to nab my roster spot right before the playoffs.”

For what it’s worth, the team still really likes what they’ve seen from Martin, who hasn’t had a dazzling debut this season, but is still firmly in their plans going forward. This is seen as a way for the club to catch, er, fetch lightning in a bottle.

“We’re a really good club and I have the utmost faith in the guys that we have in our dugout already,” said Derek Falvey, as he finished installing a fire hydrant in the corner of the Twins’ clubhouse, which just so happened to be directly next to Martin’s locker. “We have a lot of good boys that deserve all the belly rubs in the world for the way they’ve played this year. But it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t explore every route possible.”

The contending hounds are set to complete a handful of tasks beyond the aforementioned foot race, such as establishing who can properly sit on a pitch, without rolling over and playing dead. They’ll check each player’s release point, and they’ll balance that with their tail-chase percentage and their woof rate.

The first “Bark at the Park” promotion was a relative success when it came to getting tails in the seats in late-April, but this new level is going to take those same pups and get them in the game itself. Among the group of evaluators at the event will be Betsy Helfand of the Pioneer Press, whose preparation for this event rivals the training montage in Rocky VII: Adrian’s Revenge. 

“You know how long I’ve been waiting for this?” Helfand said, cracking her knuckles in a menacing fashion. “I’m ‘bout to make a name for myself here.”

If a contender can successfully supplant Martin, the Twins will need to make a corresponding roster move, and there will be a tricky negotiation period. In addition to standard bones of contention, there will be bonuses at issue, including literal bones. Contract language will also be important, since the parties might struggle to differentiate a one-year deal from a seven-year pact.

“I told our decision-makers that I wanted someone who could be a bulldog for us down the stretch, but I guess I would also accept a lab, terrier or some variety of shepherd if it helps us win games,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “But no poodles.”