The Twins’ Latest Hire Isn’t a Reliever. It’s Anthony Swarzak on Sasquatch Duty.

There are plenty of ways a front office can respond to internal turmoil. Some teams hold press conferences. Others reshuffle leadership or leak carefully worded statements. The Minnesota Twins, however, have opted to call in a former reliever with a well-documented interest in the unknown.

According to multiple extremely serious sources, the Twins have hired former pitcher Anthony Swarzak to locate Joe Pohlad, who has reportedly been living in hiding somewhere inside Target Field since being pushed out of his spot at the top of the organization earlier this year.

The move came after ownership elevated Tom Pohlad into a more prominent leadership role, a decision that insiders say did not sit particularly well with Joe.

“Blindsided,” was the word used by one team employee. “Also ‘vanished,’ which is less of a feeling and more of a logistical problem.”

The transition in ownership power was framed publicly as a natural evolution. Privately, it has apparently led one member of the Pohlad family to disappear into the concrete wilderness of the ballpark itself.

Despite the Twins’ early-season attendance struggles, Joe Pohlad has proven remarkably difficult to locate. Entire sections of the stadium have gone unused on game days, creating what one team official described as “ideal hiding conditions if you’re committed to the bit.”

Enter Swarzak, who arrived at the ballpark with a level of confidence that suggested this was not his first cryptid-adjacent assignment.

“People forget, I’ve been preparing for something like this my whole career,” Swarzak said, scanning the left field concourse like it might start moving. “You spend enough time in bullpens, and you start to notice things. Patterns. Sounds. The feeling that you’re not alone, even when the attendance says otherwise.”

He emphasized that the situation requires a delicate approach.

“This isn’t just a missing person,” Swarzak explained. “This is someone who has chosen to blend into his environment. That’s classic sasquatch behavior. Elusive. Intelligent. Probably has access to premium seating.”

Swarzak noted that the low attendance at Target Field has made the search both easier and more unsettling.

“In a full stadium, you can lose a guy in the crowd. Here, if you see movement, it means something. Or someone. And sometimes, it’s just the tarp. But sometimes it’s not.”

Season ticket holders have taken the news in stride, though not without skepticism.

“I remember Swarzak talking about sasquatch back in the day,” said one fan. “If anyone’s going to find a hiding billionaire, it’s probably the guy who already believes something is out there.”

Another fan pointed toward the upper deck.

“I haven’t seen anyone up there in weeks,” he said. “If Joe Pohlad is just hanging out, watching games alone, that might be the best seat in the house.”

Swarzak insists there have been signs.

“We’ve got traces,” he said, holding up what he described as “compelling evidence,” which looked suspiciously like a half-eaten hot dog. “You don’t leave something like this behind unless you’re comfortable. He’s settled in.”

He paused, looking out over an empty section of seats.

“He’s adapting,” Swarzak said. “Learning the rhythms. Becoming part of the stadium. At some point, you stop chasing and start thinking like him.”

For now, the search continues. The Twins remain hopeful that Joe Pohlad will eventually emerge, either through Swarzak’s efforts or simple boredom. Too late, however, the team realized that they weren't carefully overseeing the Champions Club renovations this winter. It's possible a new, secret lair has been built, and that Joe will never need to emerge at an inopportune moment again, If you hear something echo through the concourse late in the game, don’t ignore it.

“That’s usually when they move,” Swarzak said.